sometimes i wish i didn't suck.

sorry in advance; this post is basically just a rant/tear-fest.

i'm frustrated and i feel so bad. i binged.. i ate like 1/3 of a jar of peanut butter, 1/3 of a jar of jam (and not healthy jam either), 1/3 of a big bag of doritos, and a huge bowl of fruit salad. that's like.. 3000 calories right there maybe?

if i wasn't hungry i wouldn't have even done that but my mom is so inconsiderate about my eating habits. she and her boyfriend make dinner when THEY want it, not when i'm hungry. it's not my fault that they don't get up at 11 and wait until 12 for breakfast, eat lunch at 4, and then don't want dinner until 9. i get up at 9, eat lunch by 12, have a snack at 3 or 4, and by 6, I'M HUNGRY. but they don't care, so i get over-hungry and i binge. i love my mom to death, but she just doesn't get it and she's so selfish sometimes.

i have to go back to school the day after tomorrow and i'm like 150 lbs. none of my clothes probably fit (i've been living in sweatpants for the past month), and if they fit they're gonna look like crap. i feel so bad because my body just sucks. it's ugly, and everytime i gain a pound it goes straight to my face and my back, and my face is ugly and my back has like ugly back-rolls and i'm just disgusting. and i'm gonna go to school and everyone's going to stare at me like i'm in some kind of circus side-show, UGH.

i could use some support or motivation or something. any takers?

Ok, breathe....it's ok.  You had a binge.  Move on.  You are not a circus freak.  You are a beautiful girl.  Please don't tell yourself otherwise.  Anything that you wouldn't say to your best friend, you should not say to yourself.  Try to say something nice about yourself (in your head) every time you look in the mirror.  When you hear that evil terrible voice saying you are ugly and that you suck, etc, etc, etc, you tell that voice it has no power in your life. 

That negativity is self perpetuating and I promise that you will one day wake up at 34 and realize how much time you wasted when you were so young and beautiful beating yourself up for absolutely no reason. 

As far as your mom is concerned, I'm sorry she isn't considerate to your needs.  We parents are human too.  And while it would be nice if she made sure your dinner was prepared at a certain time--you live in her world and not the other way around.  See if you guys can come to a compromise as far as eating habits are concerned and if she won't budge, then you just need to figure out a way to snack and have meals that fit into her schedule until you move out.  I know that stinks, but unless you want to start taking charge and handling the meals in your house, I suppose that's just the reality of it.

Again, you are a beautiful girl and you should take the time to appreciate yourself and your body.  I know it's hard to do but just like anything else, with a little work and practice, it can be done.  My body is nowhere near perfect now---but after having my little girls, I have realized what an efficient machine it is and how when I work out I love the strength that I possess.  And looking at my little girls makes me look at my body in a whole new light.  I would NEVER think the things about them that I used to think about myself!  I hope you can find the strength to appreciate your body!  Good luck to you!

aw, hun... like marceleric said: deep breath!  when i feel like crap (for whatever reason...i'm a junior in college and i already had my fist stress-induced nervous breakdown just 4 days into the semester, so this aplies to feeling bad for whatever reason!), I just collapse onto my bed.  and try not to think.  it'll help you calm down and think clearly.

ok.  better?  anyway, i know you're on an awesome road to turning around your lifestyle.  i've been on this site for awhile, and while i haven't been posting much lately, i do remember many of your ups and downs.. but just remember: yes, you have this new resolve to be healthy and not binge and stuff, but it's not going to happen immediately!  there WILL be setbacks... sucks, but it's true.  so this is by no means some sort of indication of failure.  you're still very much alive and kicking and ready to be the healthiest and happiest you've ever been.

and don't worry about school.  just take life one day at a time.  whatever happens will happen, and chances are, everything will be just FINE.  no one will care, i mean, really...  if i notice someone gains weight, it might register in my brain, but i certainly don't think anything of it, or think anythin different of them!  and again, you're on your way to better health anyway, so they can think whatever the heck they want.

you're a strong girl, i know you can do it.  just keep fighting!  :)

Being human is sometimes a tough thing. We get mad. We get hungry. Sometimes we overeat and then tell ourselves how horrible we are.

 Find little victories to celebrate. It's OK to make mistakes. That's how we learn. Don't be in a big hurry to lose the weight. You have the rest of your life to accomplish your goals. Be happy now as you make the changes that will make your life better.

Everybody here has felt what you're feeling. You can be happy and healthy. We're all pulling for you.

ok hun yes take a deep breathe....when u are feeling hungry...try drinking a whole glass of water clear your brain and if you can go for a walk outside away from the kitchen...just get away..exercise of any form will help curb your hunger and it is good for you too...

Your parents are on their own scedule for eating habits...develop your own..cut up vegetables, prepare fruit etc and keep in the fridge, snack on rice crackers,, keeping snack foods prepared helps on the grab and go binges...can you prepare your own meals...they can eat their foods when they want too and so can you...my husband and I eat at different times ( I work shift work) so I prepare my own meals ...if they eat at 9pm that is not a healthy lifestyle eating so late you can prepare your own meal and set yourself into a healthy lifestyle..maybe eventually mom will get the idea herself and join you...hang in there...move on each day if you slip ok...get back on the horse and keep trying...and now that you are back in school you can be more active as well...dont be so hard on yourself..we all are beautiful in our own ways...beauty is in the eye of the beholder so think positive and positive will happen...one day at a time...

thanks alot guys, you've given me alot to think about. i'm going to talk to my mother about this on the car ride home, and tell her that i want to start making my own meals. thanks again.