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My son is starving himself.

Today I picked my son up early from school to take him to lunch and run some errands. He is 17, 5'11" and 120 pounds. Yes, I have taken him to a therapist for that and other issues...she doesn't seem to see his skeletal frame as a problem. She wants to concentrate on other things.

At lunch, (and he had not had anything but WATER all day..this was 1:00 in the afternoon !) ordered chicken strips and fries and a coke. He did not finish the coke (I had two diet cokes in the time it took to eat) He ate three chicken strips and a few fries. I asked him to please eat a bit more. He ate another HALF of a strip. Left his plateful of fries....so....this is about 5:26 pm here, and he had possibly 350 to 400 calories so far for the day.

I do not know what to do. Wait until I need to admit him to the hospital? No one listens to me and I hate this struggle to get him to eat. (Yes, he looks at the calorie content of everything, and accuses me of trying to "make him fat"!)

He has grown three inches in the past five months, and has not gained any weight. He thinks he has stomach fat. (of course not...skin?!?!)

The last time I took him to the MD they did a thyroid test..and did not listen to me when I told them that OF COURSE his thyroid is fine..he will NOT EAT!!!

Help. Any ideas of what action I can take?

I'm sending you a link to a parent's forum of people with children with anorexia.  Please post there and ask for help:

http://aroundthedinnertable.org/

There are many many parents in your situation.  Good luck.

Thank you. Going to go there now.

Along with Around the Dinner Table, all the links here from the ED resources thread should help:

Friends, Family and Carers 

Eating this type of food may or may not be a pattern with your family, but I can tell you that if you put chicken strips and fries in front of me, I would have some of the chicken, but I would hardly touch the fries either. 

If you want him to eat, maybe giving him food with nutritional value would be less threatening than handing him a pile of nutrient-poor fat and starch.

You know, vegetables? Wheat bread? Fruit?

And coke/diet coke?  Ecch.  Again, pure sugar with zero nutrient content.

I can see why you'd be worried.... most 17 year-old boys I know are bottomless pits when it comes to eating.  Rather than struggling to get him to eat and turning mealtimes into a battlefield have you sat down and talked to him about how he feels about himself?  Ask what his ambitions are in life?  What is he passionate about?  ... How much responsibility for himself does he have? Would he like more personal freedom? Is he under any pressure at school?  Being bullied?  The calorie-counting and not wanting to be 'fat' suggest that his body-image is poor... maybe his self-confidence is very low (pretty common with boys that age) and he need to understand that your actions are because love him, unconditionally.    

It would have to be an emotional problem, one thing that all ed people have is that they are unhappy, He has to be achieving other thigns and making other goals, he may need more time to think about things, the answer wont be quick and simple, he should be able to survive at 120lbs but not for long, a compleat breakdown may provoke a response from him,

I agree with GI-Jane..

The most important thing for you to do now is not to ask for  other people's help, but to talk to him first and see if he will give you any answers. If not then it could be a number of things. He may be plainly denying having issues with food, he may be depressed and not hungry etc... there are many things that can lead to this sort of behaviour.

It is a shame that medical staff don't take men as serious as women when it comes to eating issues... but the main thing is that he is aware of YOUR full support even if he doesn't want it. Try not to make him answer everything you ask him - don't overcrowd him, and don't force him. Sometimes forcing things is the worst thing you can do. Only he can make up his mind and no one else will.

If it is an eating disorder, which it does sound like, then you are going to feel helpless quite a lot, but know that your son is struggling in himself, he's not trying to hurt you intentionally. Just keep a eye on him, be there for him and give him some space if he needs it.

I wish you loads of luck- i have eating issues and know how hard it can be on family/friends. Remember to look after yourself too as much as you can :)

Original Post by enzyme1:

It would have to be an emotional problem, one thing that all ed people have is that they are unhappy, He has to be achieving other thigns and making other goals, he may need more time to think about things, the answer wont be quick and simple, he should be able to survive at 120lbs but not for long, a compleat breakdown may provoke a response from him,

I just want to say that I love your new photo enzyme.  You look so happy and so handsome!  I remember a while back when you were dealing with a lot of tough issues.  I never really heard how they resolved, but it looks like things must be getting better for you.  If so, I'm really happy for you.

Original Post by udokier:

Eating this type of food may or may not be a pattern with your family, but I can tell you that if you put chicken strips and fries in front of me, I would have some of the chicken, but I would hardly touch the fries either. 

If you want him to eat, maybe giving him food with nutritional value would be less threatening than handing him a pile of nutrient-poor fat and starch.

You know, vegetables? Wheat bread? Fruit?

 

And coke/diet coke?  Ecch.  Again, pure sugar with zero nutrient content.

 

 I sort of resent your post Ukodoier, he is 17 years old, we were eating out at TGI Fridays, and he can order whatever he wishes. If he had wanted soup and a salad, a steak, a grilled chicken breast and steamed veggies...I would have supported his choice. (GIVING HIM FOOD WITH  NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE !?!?  )He ordered it himself. From the menu. He can read.

At home, the fridge is filled with raw spinach, chicken, veggies, fruit, milk..we have nuts and yogurt. I am a very good cook, with a very good knowlege of nutrition. I am not some yokel who eats chicken strips and fries every meal. Heck, we even have tofu and natural peanut butter. I do not allow anything but whole wheat bread in the house. We do not drink soda at home very often.

If he did not want fries, he could have substituted something else. He will be 18 in four months. I am not going to tell the waiter...no, he cannot have fries, give him something healthier. Actually, he is so underweight..he could eat all the fries he wanted at this point.

He is CHOOSING not to eat. He has plenty of nutritional choices at home.

Perhaps you failed to read that we went out to eat in my post.

Thank you to the posters for the links to the ED support websites. They are helpful and and have parents who are going through the same things. It's nice to be understood instead judged.  I also noticed  that the kids there are going through the same things as my son, poor self-esteem and OCD.

Have you sat down with him directly to talk about this? And I don't just mean his undereating, but his mindset? His esteem and such? Don't go right at him with the knife to the throat, "WHY WON'T YOU EAT!?" angle, though. Let him know you're there if he wants to chat about anything, perhaps note he has seemed quieter or looking under the weather lately if he questions why you're saying this to him. In terms of medical support, I would consider consulting a different doctor on the matter, or discussing with his therapist that you are truly concerned for his weight and eating habits and would like that raised with him.

This being if you haven't already, of course.

Yes, he wants to build muscle, I have discussed that if he starves his body, and doesn't get enough protein, he will NOT build muscle. I think he sees a fat kid in the mirror, when he looks like a skeleton. I have told him what a handsome young man he is, and when he is more filled out..he will look even better! We have weighed him and charted his growth to show him that he NEEDS the food...his body is growing...(and fast) He has asked for vitamins and we have protein powder...and I have shown him how to make really good protein shakes. He seems to comprehend what I tell him, he just cannot seem to allow himself to let go and eat! I try not to make it a "issue"..but as a parent, your job since birth is to feed and nurture your child so that they can grow. It is difficult to have your child reject food and become sooo thin. It's scary. Yes, more counseling, and perhaps a new doctor..and counselor. He is already on meds for depression and OCD. It's not helping his ED though.

Original Post by monarch777:

I sort of resent your post Ukodoier, he is 17 years old, we were eating out at TGI Fridays, and he can order whatever he wishes. If he had wanted soup and a salad, a steak, a grilled chicken breast and steamed veggies...I would have supported his choice. (GIVING HIM FOOD WITH  NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE !?!?  )He ordered it himself. From the menu. He can read.

At home, the fridge is filled with raw spinach, chicken, veggies, fruit, milk..we have nuts and yogurt. I am a very good cook, with a very good knowlege of nutrition. I am not some yokel who eats chicken strips and fries every meal. Heck, we even have tofu and natural peanut butter. I do not allow anything but whole wheat bread in the house. We do not drink soda at home very often.

If he did not want fries, he could have substituted something else. He will be 18 in four months. I am not going to tell the waiter...no, he cannot have fries, give him something healthier. Actually, he is so underweight..he could eat all the fries he wanted at this point.

He is CHOOSING not to eat. He has plenty of nutritional choices at home.

Perhaps you failed to read that we went out to eat in my post.

Like I said, if it's not a pattern for you, then disregard it. 

GUYS. Keep it on topic and play nice.

Monarch: I understand how upsetting it must be for a parent; I know how much my own ED upset and panicked my mum. Also, you sound like you might be describing Bigorexia. Either way, yes. If your current doctors and team are being dismissive of such a crucial matter right now then try a different one.

Wow, you just lost all my sympathy for being so homophobic. If someone is umcomfortable, I am very certain they'd say - just like you did. He was giving you help, he read your post, and you attacked him for not being a positive as you were fishing for.

And you *do* have to defend yourself for what you say on a forum - you just had a go at him for coming out and making you so uncomfortable on a forum. For Gods sake.

I can kind of empathize with this horrible situation, because two years ago (and even today to some degree) was/am that son who has an eating disorder and my parents have gone through a lot of worrying/agony over it....

two years ago I developed binge eating disorder following an extremely significant weightloss of 115 lbs at the age of 18 (I am now 20)...by the end of my "diet" I was only eating like a bowl of lettuce with two tablespoons of fat free vinegarette and like 5 walnuts....I got down to a dangerously low weight but then developed binge eating disorder from being so deprived for so long...I then went on for months where I had these horrific episodes (usually on the weekend) where I would eat nonstop until I was in physical pain, cry on Sunday evening, and then not eat all week....I eventually gained as these episodes spilled into the normal week...I would cry and cry and will never forget the time I was in the car with my mom multiple times and she would just pull over as I was flipping out and just start crying....it was a completely agonizing experience that I would not want any parent or child to go through....even today I still exhibit signs of having had an ED...I go through spells of over exercising sometimes or undereating (unintentionally) and dip down...and when I gain (even when it's my body trying to get to a healthy higher normal weight) I get in ruts and ultimately lose it, even when it is still a healthy weight....

but like you said, my parents have said "I can't tell you what to eat your practically an adult" and I think that is the hard part...plus I know when they do suggest a food choice to me or make ANY comments (good or bad) about my physical appearance or food choices I completely get nasty with them and somehow take it as an insult....I am at a healthy BMI now but they still think I am too thin and are always making comments and worrying...but at the end of the day I'm running the show, not them. I did have a nutritionist, as well as a therapist which helped, but like I said I develop patterns and get in spells where I ignore their advice. I also havestopped going to them from time to time more out of just not working in my very busy schedule, so that has had it's good and bad consequences...

as for getting a diagnosis....it was very difficult. My family pediatrician who I had been seeing since I was an infant was EXTREMELY reluctant to diagnos me with an official "eating disorder," which became a major part of the problem. I think the reason for this was two fold: he was happy I had dropped out of being morbidly obese but also because I think I am a male and in our society people tend to vear away from associating eating disorders with men because they are a "girl" disease. Even when he acknowledged there was a "problem" he never called it a "disorder"...and I looked like a skeleton....

today I am much better, but like I said my parents are always worried and I know that this has strained my relationship with them in some ways over the past few years...they worry about my health over all else but on a more superficial level what other people think (which is stupid)...

my advice, get your son additional therapy, a nutritionist, and a doctor who will call this for what it is...and finally let him know you aren't trying to control him in anyway and that he must make his own choices, but that at the rate he is going he is open for so many problems down the road (which I am sure he may be well aware of already)...it's a hard and a sad thing, but with the proper steps it can only get better!

hope this helps-best of luck!

udokier and monarch, seriously, what part of lalabanana's post was misunderstood that you have continued this battle on this thread?

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SOmeone said a change of doctor would be good, I agree though he is at the age where is no longer a child but not quite an adult. It can be a bit of a complex matter finding the right doctor for this age, No doubt you will choose an adult doctor it seems the most logical, but I found my paediatrician was far more competant than my previous GP,

you say he gained height without gaining weight, that may not be as bad as gaining height and losing weight, Now you have looked at the ed websites you will know the signs and asses the true extent of his state, what is your sons name by the way.

"He is already on meds for depression and OCD. It's not helping his ED though."

what medicine is he on, Prozac is used to treat OCD and bulimia, that was what I was put on, I was cured with in a few months after starting it,

Original Post by lalce1:

I can kind of empathize with this horrible situation, because two years ago (and even today to some degree) was/am that son who has an eating disorder and my parents have gone through a lot of worrying/agony over it....

 

two years ago I developed binge eating disorder following an extremely significant weightloss of 115 lbs at the age of 18 (I am now 20)...by the end of my "diet" I was only eating like a bowl of lettuce with two tablespoons of fat free vinegarette and like 5 walnuts....I got down to a dangerously low weight but then developed binge eating disorder from being so deprived for so long...I then went on for months where I had these horrific episodes (usually on the weekend) where I would eat nonstop until I was in physical pain, cry on Sunday evening, and then not eat all week....I eventually gained as these episodes spilled into the normal week...I would cry and cry and will never forget the time I was in the car with my mom multiple times and she would just pull over as I was flipping out and just start crying....it was a completely agonizing experience that I would not want any parent or child to go through....even today I still exhibit signs of having had an ED...I go through spells of over exercising sometimes or undereating (unintentionally) and dip down...and when I gain (even when it's my body trying to get to a healthy higher normal weight) I get in ruts and ultimately lose it, even when it is still a healthy weight....

but like you said, my parents have said "I can't tell you what to eat your practically an adult" and I think that is the hard part...plus I know when they do suggest a food choice to me or make ANY comments (good or bad) about my physical appearance or food choices I completely get nasty with them and somehow take it as an insult....I am at a healthy BMI now but they still think I am too thin and are always making comments and worrying...but at the end of the day I'm running the show, not them. I did have a nutritionist, as well as a therapist which helped, but like I said I develop patterns and get in spells where I ignore their advice. I also havestopped going to them from time to time more out of just not working in my very busy schedule, so that has had it's good and bad consequences...

 

as for getting a diagnosis....it was very difficult. My family pediatrician who I had been seeing since I was an infant was EXTREMELY reluctant to diagnos me with an official "eating disorder," which became a major part of the problem. I think the reason for this was two fold: he was happy I had dropped out of being morbidly obese but also because I think I am a male and in our society people tend to vear away from associating eating disorders with men because they are a "girl" disease. Even when he acknowledged there was a "problem" he never called it a "disorder"...and I looked like a skeleton....

today I am much better, but like I said my parents are always worried and I know that this has strained my relationship with them in some ways over the past few years...they worry about my health over all else but on a more superficial level what other people think (which is stupid)...

my advice, get your son additional therapy, a nutritionist, and a doctor who will call this for what it is...and finally let him know you aren't trying to control him in anyway and that he must make his own choices, but that at the rate he is going he is open for so many problems down the road (which I am sure he may be well aware of already)...it's a hard and a sad thing, but with the proper steps it can only get better!

 

hope this helps-best of luck!

 Your story is very touching. My bestfriend has an eating disorder and she claimed that she recovered within a span of 3 months, but I had my doubts. She always accused me of judging her. I knew she couldn't have recovered this fast...

I wish you all the luck in recovery.

.......??

mmmm kay, just one question: where did the accusations of being a homophobic come from? I deffinately didn't catch that...