Is the son's/daughter's love life any of the parents' business?

So, I've been pondering that question since this morning.

This morning, I woke up to my mother and father fighting with my older sister, who is 19 years old. They were accusing her of cheating on her boyfriend of over a year because she has come home later than normal a couple times and they've read text messages that could've very easily been taken the wrong way.

Keep in mind that we are all very, very close to her boyfriend (I even text him on a casual basis) and he practically lives with us (not officially, he's just over all the time). And I can understand that my parents might want to protect his feelings, but I was wondering, is it really any of my parents' business?

And its annoying for me because they're trying to make it my business. They want me to spy on her. They want me to get her to "spill the beans". They're interrogating me because me and my sister are close and they say things like, "Erica, I KNOW YOU KNOW WHATS GOING ON. TELL USSSSS *hissss*" and "DON'T YOU CARE? I'D WANNA KNOW."

And truthfully, I don't think I really care. I'm not saying its okay for my sister to cheat on her boyfriend, or for anyone to cheat on their significant others. And yeah, if it were true, I'd be disappointed in my sister. But I don't think its my place to interrogate and accuse my sister because

1) I'd be pretty much insulting my sister and be calling her a tramp.

2) She's old enough to make her own decisions on her love life, no matter how stupid.

3) Its not my love life.

4) Considering the above, its also not my business.

 

But this is from the sister's point of view.

 

I'm asking all of you at CC to consider this situation and answer me this question...

Is the son's/daughter's love life any of the parent's business?

It's none of their business... It's none of your business.

Original Post by anne12345:

It's none of their business... It's none of your business.

Awesome! I was starting to think I was the only one who thought so. >_<

I largely agree but I think there's also a case for parents reminding children that they shouldn't sleep around or mess with other people's feelings.... My brother had a very long string of girlfriends, sometimes two on the go at once, not a great character trait ... as my mother reminded him occasionally.

If you're all under the same roof your parents are going to want to know what's going on.... that's just the way families are and if it gets too bad that's usually a signal that it's time to 'get your own accommodation!'. I really wouldn't get involved.

it's none of any ones business unless she is doing it under their roof.

After 18...parents can still talk about love life (as can anyone) and can give their opinions on the subject (such as their own views on morality) but thats where it ends. As with any subject, once your an adult, you dont HAVE to talk about anything with anyone... but you can still be open to others opinions (as long as they are only holding it out as that, and not some attempt at saying what you should or shouldnt do).

I agree with loriklorik, they should butt out a bit. And if they want to know about it, which is their right, perhaps they should go about it in a much more civil way and actually start an 'adult' conversation instead of a 'chastising our child' conversation

I don't think there's anything wrong with making your disapproval known (since you do love and care about them and want them to make good decisions), but that's as far as it goes.  Tell em once and then drop it.  Past that, it's nobody's business unless there is something like domestic abuse going on.

Tell them she's too young to be serious about settling down and that she should be playing the field.

I think it's none of their business (or yours really), unless there's something serious to be concerned about (ie- abuse, etc). it's one thing to be curious or even nosy (because let's face it, that's how parents are) and have an opinion, but i think your parents are going about it the wrong way & putting unnecessary pressure on you.

it's always bothered me when parents grow so fond of a child's significant other that they seem to value their feelings over those of their own kid. sure, cheating is bad, and it's fine to GENTLY tell your kid that they shouldn't mess with peoples' feelings. but to accuse and argue about it isn't the right thing to do. essentially, they can't control what (or who?...bad pun) their kid does.

you can't really do much to change how they talk to her, but when they approach you just say "i don't think it's my business" or maybe even better, "i don't really care" & just go on with your life. i would never spy on my brother/tell my parents things that he told me (well, maybe when i was like 5 and a brat, but it was nothing serious).

opinions are opinions. it's okay to ask questions, but being accusatory only causes problems.

Ok - I can not help it.  I am about to sound like a public service message.

I agree your sister's love life is not your parent's business.  But if you sister is getting in late their concern might actually be about drugs or alcohol abuse. 

This is the public service messgae -

If your sister is involved in drugs or is abusing alcohol and you know about it, it is far kinder to your sister to tell your parents the truth. 

I think that "Dear Abby" is on the NEXT page.

They can state their opinions but as she's an adult that's about it. She's now of legal age to make her own mistakes (if that's even what she's doing.) I think them trying to enlist you to spy on her can make for an unhealthy situation for everyone involved.

 Hm. Most of the time after someone gets married/starts college/moves out/ or has a full time job,etc, that is a pretty good indication you should no longer meddle. Lol! She's 19. That's a marker saying she's old enough to give good indications. I don't personally know her so can't vouch for her in any of those areas.  All that I know is she's 19 and still living with her parents. That means under their roof rules may apply to her. :( Unless: She's actually paying them rent/etc and discussed the arrangement.

 Either way: There will come a time when her life will be none of their business. Good parents don't sit idly by and let damage occur to a child's life/self esteem though.  They look out for the best interest of their children both physically and mentally,imo. Good parents do everything within their power/reason to help,mend, and avoid potential problems. It's our place as parents to bring resolve to our children. I say: They're concerned because she's under their roof. That's giving them the benefit of a doubt. Lol. Some children show more good indications of instability/immaturity. Therefore, it takes longer for their relationship to morph/evolve with their parents.They may simply be worried about your sister for numerous reasons.

However: The way they're going about showing their concern may be potentially harmful. At her age I think they should show/express their concern in a different manner. They shouldn't reprimand/lecture/ or spy your sister,imo.  They can cause more harm than good by harassing her. To your sisters life and relationships with everyone involved. She shouldn't feel her family is against her. It's easy for people to damage their childrens self esteem by accusing them of things. Don't be mean to her or make it about her morals/ethics. I'd talk to her in a mature way on your parents behalf not as a spy/etc. ( I'm the big sister of two little sisters though. It's usually my place to talk to my sisters about stuff. We're very close so they usually come to me to talk about everything. For advice/comfort, to vent/ etc. )

  The decision to talk to her about something that concerns them isn't negative. It's all in the way they go about the process,imo. It should be easy enough to have a conversation with her.  Even educating her in regard to others feelings/etc,imo. It doesn't have to be a " bad " thing they're doing to her. It can potentially be something people care enough to have a talk with her about. She may have met someone she likes better. Yay! Be supportive. Ask questions. That's far more productive than taking offense. Everyone can be supportive/happy for her. Her current boyfriend may be a nice/great guy. That doesn't mean that she has to be his girlfriend/marry him. The fact the family likes him doesn't mean that he's a forever relationship in her life. The potential between them may have been limited or simply ran it's course. Guess what! The family may actually like her next boyfriend even better. Lol! Some people do not date people that others dislike/hate. I've never brought anyone home my family disliked. Quite the opposite so they never worried about it. So what.  The relationship may be over. Since the family likes and considers the current boyfriend family... It should be a good indication to them that she's capable of finding someone great/suitable. In honesty everyone may like the new person even more. Even if the only thing better he has to offer is the fact he suits your sister better... Makes her happier/etc. ( btw: She may've just be running later than usual. Period. It's like:" Ooooh nu! She had a questionable text message on her phone!.... and she was slightly late!  It must be drugs! Or sex...Or maybe worse!" That's laughable. )

Family shouldn't be so hard on each other... Be supportive of each other instead. It's a give and take in family to keep things balanced. Everyone has to give a little in order to ensure a happy family,imo.

 

Original Post by madamq:

Ok - I can not help it.  I am about to sound like a public service message.

I agree your sister's love life is not your parent's business.  But if you sister is getting in late their concern might actually be about drugs or alcohol abuse. 

This is the public service messgae -

If your sister is involved in drugs or is abusing alcohol and you know about it, it is far kinder to your sister to tell your parents the truth. 

If my sister is into drugs or alochol, I don't know about it, and probably wouldn't let her do that to herself.

But, I thought that was the issue with my parents as well, but it hasn't come up in their various arguments.

Nobody's business. But if she makes unwise choices, her consequences fall along those same lines and are hers to handle alone.

As long as she is living under their roof and they support her - they should be able to have input...not fighting/accusations/etc.  I'm sure they love her and only want what's best for her.  It's hard for a parent of any age daughter (mine's 34) not to give advice.  I have to bite my tongue sometimes but I wait until she asks.   Support your parents and your sister. Let her know you are there for her.  Parenting is the toughest job there is!  It's not a popularity contest. Kids are going to get mad when they feel the parent is "interfering". That's normal.  IF your sister doesn't want their advice she needs to get out on her own and support herself.  Even then, your parents will always feel the need to advise. 

What people seems to be missing is that the sister hasn't been proven to be cheating on her boyfriend.  If they are taking her coming home late and a few text messages they read (I'm assuming they read them by snooping through their grown child's cell phone) as a sign she's cheating, then they are probably over-reacting and reading into things.  Especially if the sister says the text messages could be taken easily out of context.  If Sis is bringing dudes home from the bar and shagging them in her parents' house, then yes they definately have a right to tell her to knock it off.  But they don't even know if she's cheating or not - they're making assumptions and I don't quite understand why.  And now they're trying to drag their other daughter into this mess by trying to get her to spy and inform?  WTF?  I'm sorry but it sounds like your parents have a control issue...? 

I echo nuggetkong. Another thing to ask is why they are interrogating their daughter and not believing her? It seems they care more about what the boyfriend feels or what might happen to him than they do about their own daughter.

The parents need to chill out and butt out.