Why spare my feelings?

I just wanted to share something here, and maybe i will find that i am not the only one that has experienced this.

 I just recently started a different lifestyle ( dont like to say diet) but i had a complete melt down the other day over the frustration of the almighty scale. I tend to call my Ex-Fiance as we are still good friends, but anyway, he praised me and my efforts and all the hard work i have been doing to achieve a weight loss, but during this conversation i said "I just dont see the weight loss when i look in the mirror". He says to me, "I see it in your photos, when i look at you now and remember how you looked when we were together, your much thinner".

Now i figure if he had said something to me back then and spared my feelings, then i think i would have had a revelation alot sooner over this weight. My family does this as well now that i have started losing. I know for myself i first have to get Mad in order to get Glad. Am i making sense to anyone here? Yes it may have been hard to hear, but over all i think it would have helped me.

Just a little more background, My Ex-Fiance had gastric bypass for weightloss about a year before i met him, he was about 220 lbs then and about 300 lbs when he had the surgery, well today almost 3 years later he weighs about 130 lbs and is 6'1. He looks terrible and i tell him so. He eats constantly and all the wrong things (junk food) and doesnt gain a pound. At times i resent him because he got the oppurtunity to have this surgery and eats 24/7. His teeth are all going bad, and his face is sunk in and im worried about him. Once again i got off the topic, forgive me, I am good at doing that. Maybe i just needed to vent and im not sure i posted this in the correct spot

well I'm sure you probably wanted to hear them tell that to you, how ever i think they didn't tell you because they love you and don't want to hurt your feelings.

you see stuff like this affects people differently in their position they might have just felt that saying nothing at all mite have been the best solution and that you would fix the problem on your own

i honestly cant handle being told stuff like that ... it totally just kills my self esteem, distorts my body image and just leaves me at an all time low...and yeah ill loose weight...but out of depression and hatred for those that told me those mean things...

bypass surgery or not, if he is eating nothing but calorie-laden junk and still losing weight, it is probably due to other medical issues that have arisen.

just because you have bypass surgery doesn't mean you can eat whatever you want and not gain weight.  it WILL come back on. 

in answer to your original question, though, just because he has noticed the weight loss doesn't mean he "kept anything" from you before.  maybe he didn't think you looked or seemed overweight at the time before.

Yeah, he and others probably thought nothing of your excess weight. It probably just wasn't an issue for them. Take the compliment and the encouragements and use them as a spring board for even more success. You must be feeling pretty damn good about yourself. Keep at it.

By the way, maybe he does have some other medical issue going on. I can't say cause I don't have any medical training or anything but I thought that people with gastric bypass surgery would gain weight if they kept up their old habits. If he's still losing, he may need a medical exam. Just my opinion...keep an eye on him.

Your comment reenforces my belief............very few people will tell you "you are fat".  They are too nice and don't want to hurt your feelings.....but they know.  Some people say "I don't look like I weigh this much" and for some that is true but most of us who are overweight do look it!

Good luck with your journey to health, and you have to know it is much better for you than what your fiance chose.  We are lucky if we are able to lose weight on our own.  Sometime tho' there are health issues that demand surgery.  I agree with the previous post that if he is eating that much and weighs that little at his height, something may be going on.  My post-lady had the surgery about 5 years ago, and she is just about back to her original weight, which apparently is not uncommon. 

my mother is the grand master of the backhanded remark.  She can tell you you are fat without ever saying it.  "Those slacks would drape so much better if they were in a larger size" means, your pants are too tight you fat thing.

A perfect example of her sometimes cruel comments - 7 years ago I had a small breast cancer and needed surgery and radiation.  I was, of course, very upset.  You know what she said?  "Look on the bright side dear, you'll probably lose a lot of weight."

My point is, if somebody wants to tell you that you're fat, they are going to find a way to do it.  Nice people say nothing - they just love you as you are.

People can't win, basically.  If they come right out and say 'you need to lose weight' we get all huffy and upset that they've been so rude.  If they say 'you've lost weight and you look great' we get all huffy because they must have thought we looked awful before!!!   

But the more serious point is that of your ex-fiancee.  'Thin' is not synonymous with 'healthy'. When stomach size has been radically reduced and food intake severely limited it's very, very difficult for the body to absorb the correct nutrients it needs to function healthily.  Bandsters have to be 10 x more fastidious about their nutritional intake than the rest of us.... and supplements are often necessary.   Left unchecked, malnutrition can result and, in extreme cases, it can be fatal.  So I wouldn't envy him....   He should really go to see his doctor and have a check-up.  It sounds like he's in need of some attention.

Thankyou for the response's and yes I am sure he just loved me for who i was.

I am very concerned about him, but cannot get him to listen to me! He eats ALOT, all day long. He looks terrible and his teeth are going bad, cheecks are sunk in, he just wont listen when i tell him he needs a checkup with his doctor. He of course expels alot of what he eats shortly after and depending on the type of food he ate. After his surgery his follow up doctor told him that one flintstone vitamin would be sufficient, as i can hardly beleive that, but then again he does not eat alot of healthy foods where he needs to be getting his nutrients and vitamins from. He also had cancer when he was in his 20's, in his 40's now, and that concerns me as well.

I to understand where you are coming from BUT........are you ready for this......your family and friends can say whatever positive or negative about you needing to lose weight.....until you are ready as you are now it is only words. I have been almost 100 pounds over weight since I had my kids 14 years ago. It took me until now to realize that I am this over weight and need to do something about it. You have to realize that it is all about you and nothing is going to change until you are ready to do something about it. Just take there comments as motivation and let the past and what was said or not said stay in the past.

And as far as your ex goes.....Glad to hear that he had the surgery. BUT doesnt really count if he didnt learn anything from it. You are doing your weight loss the correct way.. Keep going and keep your head up high. You will acheive your goal now that you are ready for the next step....Good luck....

Wow! He lost that much weight. I'm off sub a little I guess. My mom had it done in 2002 or 2003.. I'm a little foggy on the time frame.. Anyway! She only lost 100 pounds within the year, and she don't eat junk and she walks 3 miles a day. She was 317 when she had it done, and I notice.. She slowly gaining her weight back. Slowly, she also had a tummy tuck done in 2006, and that was a removal of 13 pounds of skin, but her weight has gone up. She don't have sagging skin in her legs or arms, but she is always going to the doctor for her yearly updates. I think you should tell him to go see his doctor. Because he's health looks bad, and if he is eating junk.. He could have diabetes. He really needs to check into that. My mom has to have blood work done once a year, and if she don't meet with her doctor, they will ring the phone until they reach her and see her.

People sparing feeling. No one spares my feeling around here.

I once went in to ask my dad how I look in something, and he said. You look like a beached Whale in that dress. BOY! Wasn't that a low hit to the GUT. Then he goes on to say.. You need one of those long mirrors in your room..

My aunt... Was just UGLY.. I mean UGLY with it. As they rolled my mom back to have the surgery done.. She said to me.. They need to be rolling your fat (A) back there as well.. MAN ON MAN! My uncle and my brother had to grab me, because before I knew it. I cussed her out and balled up my fist to hit her.

So some people to me.. Just need to shut up. Not say a thing unless they come at you in a helpful way. Like my daddy did after he had his heart attack. He said to me. If God lets me walk out of here alive. I'm going to make it my business to see that you get back to loving you and doing for you. Because you give so much of yourself to everyone else, and you never spend any time fixing you. DAD had been a man of his word, and mom has too.. Because she wasn't going to have the GB done unless I told her.. Promised her I was going to lose the weight. She didn't want to leave me alone as the fat one.. I did good for a year, and then lost my way. Got on the wagon a few times, and fell off again. Now I've been at it for almost 2 years, and I'm trying to drag my mom back on the wagon.

Comments can be hurtful. Some comments can be helpful. But some people just need to shut up before someone like me shut them up.

I don't take ugly comments well.

Original Post by lynnhaslost:

 I cussed her out and balled up my fist to hit her.

 LOL!  Go for it!  I was raised on a phrase which is sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me.... and I've developed a 'withering look' which can shut someone up at twenty paces.   But, I'll admit, there are occasions when a well-timed punch in the kisser would be much more satisifying to dispense.

Original Post by gi-jane:

Original Post by lynnhaslost:

 I cussed her out and balled up my fist to hit her.

 LOL!  Go for it!  I was raised on a phrase which is sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me.... and I've developed a 'withering look' which can shut someone up at twenty paces.   But, I'll admit, there are occasions when a well-timed punch in the kisser would be much more satisifying to dispense.

 Jane, I like the withering look accompanied by a "Really"  slight indignation, little bit of question as if "are you dumb or what?"  Works!

GI Jane, This was personal.. I've been wanting to lay her butt out since she moved back here. My little cousin has went up her head a time or two.. Now she says, Lindsay will never hit me.. My mom told her in a nice tone.. Lindsay would have killed you if they would have let her loose on you.. I snap, and thank god my brother and uncle knows how bad my temp is.. My mom was laying in that hospital, and the doctor's said.. She can have ice chips after she came out of surgery.. My mom called me. It had been 24 hours since she had anything, and her mouth was dry.. I called the nurses station,cussed them all out. Until this day.. My mom don't know what I said, but she said. 3 nurses came running in there with ice chips.. LOL.. I can get down right UGLY if you push me.. No one messes with my Mama.

They messed up my dad's meds when he was in the hospital too, and my mom told my dad.. DO not tell Lindsay.. Just don't tell her about it.. I didn't learn about it until he came home that they gave him the wrong heart meds.. IF I would have known then.. I would have done the same thing.. Cussed them F-er's out.

Hey lynn, I know very well what you mean. My father is famous for making me feel bad. As far as my ex, he did have a hernia repair i think about a year after, and since he is a veteran they would not pay for a tummy tuck, so his doctor at that time just kinda did him a favor while repairing the hernia he cut all the excess skin on his stomach away and just sewed it back together, mind you he has no belly button now, but he knew this before going into surgery. He actually was diebetic before he had the Bypass, but hasnt had that since his last visit, also has thyroid problems that he does take medication for.

 I always talk to him on a daily basis, even if it is just a "hi how are you" but not yesterday, didnt hear a peep out of him at all. I know he was ok as his myspace page just stated that he was "quiet".

I have a temper just like yours..LOL, i swear we could be twins. I did nursing as a med-tech for 13 years, so the nurses nor the doctors like me when i come for a visit.

Original Post by lisa_43:

Thankyou for the response's and yes I am sure he just loved me for who i was.

I am very concerned about him, but cannot get him to listen to me! He eats ALOT, all day long. He looks terrible and his teeth are going bad, cheecks are sunk in, he just wont listen when i tell him he needs a checkup with his doctor. He of course expels alot of what he eats shortly after and depending on the type of food he ate. After his surgery his follow up doctor told him that one flintstone vitamin would be sufficient, as i can hardly beleive that, but then again he does not eat alot of healthy foods where he needs to be getting his nutrients and vitamins from. He also had cancer when he was in his 20's, in his 40's now, and that concerns me as well.

does he go to the doctor for physicals? if his teeth are going bad like you say, do you think he is bulimic? you can only encourage him to go to the doctor but at 40 you can't make him go. Wish him well, pray for him and then take control of your life, accept compliments when they come. The scale may not always budge despite your best efforts, but you should work towards loving yourself enough to where the opinions of other people wouldn't matter. And congratulations on this lifestyle change that you have embarked on, keep making the right food choices and doing what is good for you.

No i dont think he is purging, (not sure if that is the word i was looking for) I just dont think he is eating right, In fact i know he isn't and he is depressed and has been since we broke up. I realize i have talked to him about all of this until i am blue in the face, and now he has just shut me out it seems. I will pray for him, and try to encourage him to seek medical attention, but right now i am just going to stay quiet and see if maybe he will absorb some at least of what i have said.

I made the decisicion to change my way of eating and a healthier lifestyle and i am sticking with it 100%. I am not seeing much of a weightloss this week, the scale is fluctuating between one and two pounds, but i have been off work almost two weeks, and finally going back today. (bad as i hate to.lol) And i havent made it to the gym since new years eve either. I am a big slacker on going to the gym, although fine once i get in there. I also have a pilates dvd and i tried doing that, but it really hurts my back when i do those excercises.

I work 2nd shift in a factory and i am on my feet all day, bending, twisting, and lifting heavy motors so i am constantly concerned when it comes to hurting my back. ( i have alot of arthritis in my back, and body) I have been very lazy these past two weeks, but vow to get back to the gym as well.

Thanks so much for all the reply's and concern.

Lisa, I'm a home health nurse. SO I can get ugly. I hope he's don't fine.. My mom has a belly button, but if the dr. new nothing about cutting a hoe and popping it.. Then he want have one I guess. My mom insurance paid for her, because it was a health issue. She had rashes and her doctor saw it as a health issue. Gain Green.. I think and other infection. So they got her in asap. Now! I just have to get her back on the wagon.

As for my aunt. We are born on the same day. I'm 31 and she's 61. We are both the same. I'm just a person who don't start trouble like she does.. I end the trouble.. LOL.. My mom said.. I need to go see a doctor about that temp problem.. NAW! I know when to step in and when to step out.

I hope your ex is fine, and please.. Have him go to the dr anyway.. There could be something going on with him. Something no one knows about.