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spiraling towards anorexia. HELP

i'm feeling terribly greasy and terribly fat. i bloated up another three pounds this week, to a grand total of 136.  i mean, i know that's relatively thin and that i shouldn't be concerned with just a three pound weight gain, but it seems so terrible to me, and i feel so greasy and bloated.  I'm a vegitarian and 5'8'', and 14 years old. and i just can't seem to accept the fact that maybe i might look okay.

i started thinking about ten pounds. then thirty. now im thinking thirtyfive.

PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME.

please.

because i LIKE The idea of having no boobs and i like the idea of having bones sticking out of me and i like the idea of being stick thin and sick. i like it. and i don't know why. and it scares me, it scares me so much. i want to weigh 110 pounds. at 5'8''. I KNOW THIS IS WRONG. but i want it, and i want to be sick and i want to be bone-thin and disgusting and i don't care if boys look at me weirdly and aren't attracted to me, because i have a perfectly fine boyfriend who has an eating disorder fetish and loves when he can feel girls' ribs. i know that's weird. and i'm not doing this for him, anyway. i'm doing it for me.

but...please help.

i can't get out of this.

i just spent an hour with a beautiful young woman who started restricting and purging at your age and is still struggling with it now, at 27.  she has been in profound emotional pain for half her life.  this is not a road you want to go down.

you need to turn this around now, while you're still thinking relatively clearly.  ask yourself the hard questions: what do you think you'll get out of being 110 pounds?  what's the pay-off?  how would that be helpful?  what are the benefits?  chances are, any answers you can come up with won't make sense, even to you.

and regarding your boyfriend...this is not something you want to hear, but one of the lessons of growing up is figuring out that some people just aren't good for us.  he's not good for you.  whether you feel that you're doing it for him or not, you can't deny his influence; the people we care about can't help but influence us.  it doesn't mean that he's not a good guy; but it may well mean that you're not good together.

As much as I really, really want to help you. I'm afraid the only help we can offer is to tell you to go seek professional help. A website can only help you so much, and we can tell you six ways to sunday that you aren't fat, to keep strong, to not think that way, but it's just too easy to simply click out of the page and dismiss us as people 'trying to ruin your progress' or 'people who want you to be fat' or 'people who don't knowwhat they're talking about'. But when you're face to face with a professional, it's significantly harder to click out of a page, and you're more likely to take in the help you're told.

I'm sorry you feel the way you do, It hurts because I feel the way you do EXACTLY (though I'm older, heavier and shorter than you are).

Also, ditch the boyfriend, he'll only make you feel worse. Never, ever, EVER do something that stupid for a guy. It's a relief to know that you recognise this is a problem, but he's only making things worse. I did that once for a guy, and he ended up not interested because there was someone even thinner than I was, so I ended up feeling worse than before and spiraled even more.

don't ever, ever EVER ruin your body for a boy. Promise me that.

I definatly have to agree with the other two. I've been in this place where you are. I know, it totally sucks, and that's an unbelievable understatment. Professional help is the best way to go. I wish that I would have when I was dealing with it two years ago. If I had, then maybe I wouldn't be dealing with it in private away at school where no one knows what's going on.

If you still don't want to see anyone, I would suggest telling a friend of yours, not your boyfriend in this case, that you're around a lot and have them keep an eye on you. It's going to suck having them wathcing over you, but in the end, it's totally worth it. I told my best friend two years ago about how I was scared because I wanted to starve myself and I was actually starting to accomplish it. After I told him, I didn't really have to worry about it again. He always made sure that I ate something. He was the one person that, if I promised him that I would eat, then I would.

Find someone like that that you can trust and know that they will help you not fall into the trap of anorexia.

No one else can fix the thoughts in your head but yourself. We can all talk and talk and try to put positive thoughts in your mind, but only you can control your attitudes and behaviors.

What I recommend is getting outside yourself for a bit. Anorexic thoughts are an obsession with the self. So go spend some time listening and talking to other people--your family, your friends, strangers, God. Volunteer. Get some perspective...it's the only thing that has even come close to helping me.

Seriously? Okay I don't know if this is genuine or not, but I seriously doubt it. Your post screams attenion and I guarantee if you go ask any anorexic person (lncluding me) they weren't thinking "I want to look bone thin and sickly and get weird looks". And seriously, what type of guy has an eating disorder fetish?

wow, zmarsh.  your empathy is overwhelming.

Original Post by zmarsh:

Seriously? Okay I don't know if this is genuine or not, but I seriously doubt it. Your post screams attenion and I guarantee if you go ask any anorexic person (lncluding me) they weren't thinking "I want to look bone thin and sickly and get weird looks". And seriously, what type of guy has an eating disorder fetish?

 It's not a common fetish, but there is a ribcage fetish, and in that sub catagory, there's a sub-sub catagory for eating disorders. It's very, very, VERY rare, but it's unfortunate that she has one of these freakos.

honestly, get into Furry, that's a little LESS weird/harmful than eating disorders.

Honestly, I can only give advice for what I've honestly gone through; I've never been anorexic, but I have thought about, "What would happen if I didn't eat anything for a couple weeks and just drank water? What if I took laxatives and forced myself to throw up?" Luckily, I started doing research at a young age, so when I thought all this, I already knew the dangers.

Ever heard of the Carpenters? If you haven't heard of them, you've probably heard their songs; their songs are used very commonly in movies today. In the Simpsons Movie, when the family leaves Homer at one point, he falls onto a patch of ice shaped like a heart breaking. In the background is the song "Close to you." In 1408, the song that keeps haunting the main character in the hotel room is called "We've Only Just Begun." In Ghost Rider, Johnny Blaze listens to a certain song in his dressing room before one of his jumps, and that one's "Superstar." I think Nicholas Cage's character even makes a reference when somebody tries to get him away from listening to it: something along the lines of, "You don't mess with the Carpenters," or something like that.

I found this cassette in my house called The Karen Carpenter Story, a CBS special that aired in the late 80's. Karen Carpenter was the lead singer in the Carpenters, blessed with perfect pitch, every time. While she sang in front of millions, she gave in to anorexia behind the scenes. Her brother, Richard, would have her wear clothes that covered her body when they performed. Karen thought her brother believed she was truly fat, when in real life she was all skin and bones, and it was not pretty. Slowly but surely, she started getting help, started getting better. Then, on Feb. 4th, 1983, her heart gave out from all the stress anorexia did to it, and she died in her parents' house. She was only 32 years old.

I also have a couple YouTube videos to show you. Here's one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jh5JPEm0GMc

It shows at the end that there's more then just losing weight when you drastically try to lose weight. Anorexia could cause hair loss, always looking and feeling tired, lack of focus... It's also like, well, when you want to lose weight really bad, you can't get out of it, you're trapped, shackled down. Honestly, the hair loss got to me, I'm big with my hair.

Another video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lsfn3UIeayM&am p;feature=related

This is one of those typical "In the mirror, looks overweight, but in real life, is really skinny" commercials, but the one in the mirror actually looks better then the one in real life! The woman in the mirror obsesses over her skin, but she actually looks amazing. I wish I had her body right now... But, anyway... Also, read the description, it contains information as to the effects of becoming anorexic.

Now, when it comes to your boyfriend: I'm not like other girls where I'll go and be like, "Oh, he's a douche, dump him, he'll make you go anorexic--" No, I won't do that. Contrary to popular belief, some guys out there actually understand. If he ever tells you that you should lose weight, or says you look like you've gained weight, or calls you overweight, or even jokes about it, calmly explain to him that you're comfortable at the weight you're at. If he truly loves you, he'll understand. If not, then remember that there are others out there who do care and won't force you to lose weight just cuz he prefers bones then curves.

Finally, remember this: At the weight you're at now, there's more of you to love then when you're skin and bones. Guys always say they dig curves, and, honey, you've got curves: the good kind! Keep the weight you're at now (Love to see that you're in the weight-maintaining group!), kk?

Stay Beautiful!

~Amberli Raven~

Original Post by zmarsh:

Seriously? Okay I don't know if this is genuine or not, but I seriously doubt it. Your post screams attenion and I guarantee if you go ask any anorexic person (lncluding me) they weren't thinking "I want to look bone thin and sickly and get weird looks". And seriously, what type of guy has an eating disorder fetish?

 i'm not going to stoop to your level.

in actuality, i shouldn't even grace this with a response.

i've recieved the advice i needed from the others.  that's good enough for me.