Stand by your kid(s)......

Assuming you have been a loving caring parent, you have worked hard to give your kid(s) everything.....but at what cost?

Can you kill kid(s) with kindness...

If your kid(s) starts to get into trouble with police, drugs, drink etc do you continue to stand by them...or when do you say enough is enough you are on your own...

Should there be a cut off point when you say you are old enough to look after yourself financially or do you continue to support your kid(s) with the odd $100 here and $50 there, are you actually causing more problems than you are solving...

Are parents who do everything for their kids, even down to bailing them out of trouble actually at fault...

If you are one of those kids with parents who continually solve your problems how do you feel about it, do you wish they would stop interfering and let you try and cope with it?

Or if you like the fact that you can always rely on them to bail you out of any kind of trouble how would you feel if one day they turned around and said "No" you have to stand on your own two feet...

I work in healthcare facility and see this situation all the time.  I think, from what Ive seen, the earlier you cut them off the better.  A minor you must continue to support with basic supplies, housing, counseling etc but once they are an adult it should stop.   Ive seen families lives revolve around a childs addiction and it ruins them. 

Im one of those "kids" whos parents are always there.... I can call them any time with any problem and they will come to help. Financially? They pay for everything...and always have. But thats simply because im still getting my education....when i am done, i still wont need to worry about money (because i will be able to make all that i want or need)....that type of thing will never be part of my life (because i was taken care of while i learnt all i need to know about how to never find myself in a sittuation where money is an issue).

But, money isnt all there is to being a parent.... just throwing checks at your children and expecting them to grow up isnt really "being there" for your child. My parents also spent a lot of time talking to me as i grew up (and that did a lot more for me than cash ever could). Any problem or subject, we could talk about....and we did....for hours and hours (and it wasnt just them talking "at" me, it was talking with....asking my opinions and viewpoints and challenging them).

Other kids smoked, other kids did drugs, other kids drank and lied and stole. I explored those things also, but largely while my parents were around (some things they could have been more open about, but in general things were very open). And, now that i am older, i can see just how wise such an approach is. Is it better for your kids first encounter with smoking or drinking to be with a bunch of young peers while the parents backs are turned?

But, that leads to now. I dont get in trouble. I dont hurt people or take things that arent mine or anything else that a parent would need to "bail me out". Its not because my parents are there for me now....its because my parents were there for me before, as i was developing.

I dont think parents need to suddenly "push" their kids out. I dont see life in such sudden jumps...its not magically at age 18 your life takes a right turn and the way your life opperates is suddenly forced to function some other way. Instead, life is smooth transitions from one thing to another....like a tree growing day after day.

My parents dont need to tell me when to sleep or how late i can stay out....there was never a sudden point where those things happened.... just a slow fading away as i grew up. My parents wont need to give me as much money when school is finished (some things they will take care of still...like the cars, because again, its a slow fading away ...not a sudden "we dont pay for anything anymore"). My older sister pays for her car now, my older brother doesnt (because they are both in different stages of their life where my parents help isnt or is needed).

I hope i can do the same for my children. Give them every opportunity to be ANYTHING they want. Help them grow into strong people with the tools they need to function in the world. Help them grow up and teach them how to handle or approach sittuations. Basically, i want my children to be happy... and ill be there to help that happen as long as they need me.

I know my parents feel much the same way. They have told me many many times that thats what they wanted....and told me i could do anything. Travel around the world? Sure! Go to expensive schools? Sure! Stop doing anything for a year? Sure! And its because i understand those feelings that i wouldnt take advantage of them....and that i am so thankful that they are there....

I guess being there for eachother is just what i was raised to believe is how a family should be... age doesnt really come into things....my parents will ALWAYS be my parents (and i will AWLAYS be their child)....

There are so many factors that go into play here  and situations/people are individual. 

The ability to financially assist your kid plays into it, but ultimately there is a "cut-off."  I can only speak for myself- growing up working class the cut off was immediate. However, I give more to my son because I can (Time and money). I'm sure this has had it's effects both positive and negative.   I understand the importance of self-reliance, and want him to reap the benefits of it, so I try to make  decisions about helping him with the end in mind.  

In the end I want to have raised a decent person who cares for himself and others. 

I think about this often due to the "relationship" between my oldest brother and my parents. I say relationship loosely, because the only time he makes an effort to contact them is when he needs financial aid (he is 39, lives on the other side of the country, married, no kids, self employed).

Time and again he asks for money because his business venture (hat he's been trying to make work for the past 8 years) doesn't provide enough income to pay their monthly expenses.

Time and again I tell my parents that (should they choose), they should help him financially, but only if he'll help himself by getting a job that will pay his living  expenses, even if it means swallowing his pride (which he has a lot of). If he's not gonna help himself then tough titty says the kitty.

I believe that people teach others how to treat them. If a parent teaches little Johnny that he can do no wrong, or that a bailout is just a phone call away, why wouldn't he milk it?

Original Post by loriklorik:

I hope i can do the same for my children. Give them every opportunity to be ANYTHING they want. Help them grow into strong people with the tools they need to function in the world. Help them grow up and teach them how to handle or approach sittuations. Basically, i want my children to be happy... and ill be there to help that happen as long as they need me.

 But what if YOUR kids aren't like you.  I think it's great that you and your parents turned out so well.  But some parents do everything they are supposed to do and the child ends up out of control anyway, and ends up taking advantage of the fact that mommy and daddy will throw as much money at them as they need.

I agree with you that there should not be some set age that the parent just kind of shoves the kid out of the door.  However, in regards to the ones that the OP is referring to...the ones who are constantly in trouble, doing bad things, abusing drugs, etc.  I do think that there is a point when the parents become enablers and are actually doing more harm than good.

What I can't stand, however, is this new era of parents.  The ones who stand by their kids too much.  If the kid gets in trouble at school, the parents take the kid's side instead of the teacher.  If the kid doesn't make the basketball team, the parents sue.  If the kid gets caught text messaging in class, the parents complain when the kid gets a detention.  I think it's causing this new generation of kids to just expect to have everything handed to them.  They aren't learning that there are consequences for their actions.

my kids aren't out of the house yet so I am not totally qualified to answer, but will anyway.  We raise our kids to leave the house.  it's our job.  we will do all we can to give them all they need to start the journey to independence, financially responsibility, an education, love support...all of that. 

I hope we can bless them with monetary gifts even into adulthood.  I know my parents have and it has been a true blessing...never though have we called asking for help...well we did move in with them between houses before...just for 3 months...a timing issue with our new place.

not sure what we would do if they got in trouble as an adult...hope I never have to deal with that one...

Original Post by peaches0405:

 But some parents do everything they are supposed to do and the child ends up out of control anyway,

 Yeah. Sad but true.

In Europe it's common for "kids" to have a few years "off" after they graduate high school to travel & explore themselves before they're off to college. I think that's a great idea.

Here that idea is totally rejected. I think it leads to some serious problems.

Anyway, yeah. My husband & I totally plan to support our kid for a few wild years off and then throughout college.

We're not having any more kids so we'll hopefully be able to afford it.

Bottom line: I think it's different to financially & otherwise support your kid into "adulthood" (I don't know about you, but I didn't even start feeling like an adult until my late 20's... it was pretty much a scramble between 16-25) and killing your kids with kindness.

Giving kids money & love does not equal spoiling them as citizens.

For the most part loving and caring parents don't raise juvenile delinquents. But then loving and caring parents set boundaries for behavior, talk to their kids, treat them with respect, and expect the same treatment in return. They are consistent and fair and above all honest with their kids.

As far as helping our kids get started in life - yeah, while they are in school I help as much as I can. After school, they know it's up to them to be able to support themselves. If they can't they know they've got a place at home until they get on their feet.

Original Post by kathygator:

For the most part loving and caring parents don't raise juvenile delinquents. But then loving and caring parents set boundaries for behavior, talk to their kids, treat them with respect, and expect the same treatment in return. They are consistent and fair and above all honest with their kids.

 

Your first statement is either naive or judgmental.  Probably the former.  There are so many more influences on kids than just their parents.  Some parents do everything right - all the things you listed and more.  And sometimes the kids still turn into little monsters.  Maybe because they want to be like some of the 'cool' kids at school.  Maybe because they want to be the exact opposite of their older sibling. 

Were the parents supposed to treat the older kid like crap just so the younger one would feel more secure?  The younger one got more attention by virtue of being the youngest.  She still went crazy for several years before finally growing up.  Yes, I'm speaking from personal experience/observation.

Sometimes, bad kids happen to good parents.  Just as sometimes good kids happen to bad parents.  There's a lot that parents can do to teach their kids to be good people, and they should do all those good things.  But there are no guarantees.

Yeah, but the problem isn't just juvenile delinquents.  It's kids in general not learning to take responsibility for their actions.  Loving and caring parents can set boundaries, treat their kids with respect, but still "stand by" their kids too much...to the point that the kids grow up not fully knowing how to make it on their own.  They never know failure or consequences because mom and dad love them so much that they are willing to bail them out no matter what.

For instance.  You've got a young adult who ends up getting a credit card and running it up so high that they need mom and dad to help them pay it off.  Ok, so the parents help the kid.  Then they are careful to let the kid know that what he/she did was not smart and that they need to learn from this.  However, the kid doesn't learn and runs the credit card up again.  Now, the question is whether it's smart for the parents to continue to bail the kid out after he/she has not learned their lesson.

Susiecue: I said 'for the most part'. And for the most part I am correct. I understand that there are some kids that are just bad - but they are the exception, not the norm.

Original Post by peaches0405:

For instance.  You've got a young adult who ends up getting a credit card and running it up so high that they need mom and dad to help them pay it off.  Ok, so the parents help the kid.  Then they are careful to let the kid know that what he/she did was not smart and that they need to learn from this.  However, the kid doesn't learn and runs the credit card up again.  Now, the question is whether it's smart for the parents to continue to bail the kid out after he/she has not learned their lesson.

 I wouldn't. But then, I wouldn't have bailed them out of the first one, because for them to even have a credit card, theoretically they are 1. over the age of 18 & 2. employed.

Their credit takes the hit, they learn from it and everyone moves on.

I would however, offer to help them figure out how they could get out of it - work with them on their budgeting skills and talk to them about their spending habits.

Original Post by kathygator:

Original Post by peaches0405:

For instance.  You've got a young adult who ends up getting a credit card and running it up so high that they need mom and dad to help them pay it off.  Ok, so the parents help the kid.  Then they are careful to let the kid know that what he/she did was not smart and that they need to learn from this.  However, the kid doesn't learn and runs the credit card up again.  Now, the question is whether it's smart for the parents to continue to bail the kid out after he/she has not learned their lesson.

 I wouldn't. But then, I would haven't bailed them out of the first one, because for them to even have a credit card, theoretically they are 1. over the age of 18 & 2. employed.

Their credit takes the hit, they learn from it and everyone moves on.

I would however, offer to help them figure out how they could get out of it - work with them on their budgeting skills and talk to them about their spending habits.

 Precisely!  That is the answer that I expected from you.  It's probably what I would have done as well.  Now take that and apply it to a teen who is in school, gets caught with a cell phone that they know they shouldn't be using in school and ends up getting a detention because of it.  You and I would say "well, you do the crime, you do the time".  But unfortunately, there is now a growing trend of parents who are NOT taking the school's side.  Not just on this issue, but alot of issues. (see my last paragraph in #5)  Any issue that has their child getting into trouble.  THIS is what I see as a problem.  This new generation of kids who aren't being taught to take responsibility for their actions.  And the parents are making it worse.  Not all parents, mind you.  But a surprisingly growing number of them.

For me personally it's a case by case thing. I was delighted when cellphones became affordable because of the ability to always be in contact with my kids.

I do know that the 'no cell phones' thing is not strictly enforced in a lot of classrooms. Some teachers actually use theirs to call kid's parents. So I can understand that there's some duplicity there. Mixed signals being sent out to the kids, you know?

My kids always knew we had their back, but they also always knew that they had to be completely honest with us. If there was a problem (i admit there were only rarely ever any issues with teachers) our first response was  - tell me everything. I can't help you if I'm blindsided by half a story.

We were kind of crazy about honesty in our family though.

That's just one example though, kathy.

And my parents were crazy about honesty as well.  Didn't stop me from trying to lie when it came to saving my own arse.  Most kids lie if they think they can get away with it. 

I think a lot do, dunno about 'most'.

I could be wrong, though. :)

I have to agree with peaches kids will lie if they think they are going to be in trouble and they think a lie will get them out of it.

I also think that if kids know that their parents always stand by them then they are likely to take advantage of that and take their parents for granted.

If you know that all you have to do is pick up the phone and someone will come running, bail you out, believe whatever you tell them etc, then you wouldn't be human if you did not utilise that to some extent.

I do think that parents need to at some point set a boundary and only be there emotionally but nothing else.

Parents need to realize that they aren't doing their children any favours by constantly bailing them out of trouble.  I had to grow up fast for reasons too far too detailed to write here but nonetheless had to learn to get through things on my own and find my own way.  I think I am a better person for it.  Of course parents should always be there for their kids but by bailing them out of situations that they knowingly fault themselves into is not helping.  I think I have a better work ethic and am more self-motivated than many people my age, not to toot my own horn.  This is because the only person that I truly have to count on is myself.  While others may support me and cheer me on, the only person  there to clean up my mess is myself thus, I have learned quite quickly not to make them in the first place.

As far as financial support goes, as soon as I turned 15 my parents insisted I get a job and earn my own money.  I worked until I was 18 and went to college, which I fully paid for myself via grants and scholarships.  Have only ever once asked for money, which was for my wedding (at my Mom's insistence that they wanted to help as best they could).

My husband did not work in high school (too busy with sports and school), and his parents paid fo 100% of his college.  They very generously paid for the rest of our wedding.  We both turned out okay.  If anything, he is probably more fiscally responsible than I am.

I think how well parents raise their kids has nothing to do with financial support and everything to do with emotional support.

I got in trouble with the law and my parents bailed me out of it. I paid every cent that went into getting me OUT of trouble!!! All bail, probation expenses, bought my own car and insurance. They supported me by letting me live at their house ( I was 17 at the time) and made me deal with my trouble (that I caused) on my own.

Now, 3 years after this, my parents help me pay my tuition and help with my financial needs because I proved myself to be responsible for myself when it was necessary. I cleaned up my act and paid for all of it and I'm a better person for having to pay for everything by myself. Yes, it was difficult, but I wouldn't have learned as much if I didn't bear the financial burden of my mistakes.