Should I stay or should I go now!! If I stay...

Okay the song popped into my head. But I have issues (don't we all)...

Later on this month my husband has his family reunion/parent's 50th anniversary. I really (emphasize really) don't wanna go. My step-kids are gonna be there and I have to split a 2 bedroom suite with them (there's a total of 10 people all together). It's their whiny, uppity drawl (they are adults BTW) about dad needing to buy them (a car, pay their bills, get designer this or that...) that just makes my blood boi.

Dad has been trying to curb this but whatever... that's a whole other topic and it's hard for me to deal with - so I chock it up to it being his deal and this is how he has chosen to raise these kids. I try (really, really hard) to say nothing and watching it makes me irritable so I avoid it.  They are nonetheless disrespectful and rude. They are going because thier dad bought them a round trip ticket (without letting me know) so okay...They should go. They are family.  I just don't think I should. I don't feel like I belong with the rest of the family.

Moreover, his family dislikes me (though they don't know me. They may have spent a  total of a day talking to me). I am not the same religion as them...so therefore I am a "second rate" citizen to them and the step-kids (just the adults not the one that lives with us) speak horribly of me and my biological children; the eldest step-daughter (25 yo) made the mistake of talking to my friends in this manner and they were appalled and felt sorry for me.

She's an adult and her dad "fully" supports her. She does not have to work.  She has a kid. Dad bought her a condo and a brand new car and pays all of her bills. She always has a conveinient excuse for not getting a job... it's endless.  We have offered that she stay with us but she makes up horrible lies about the younger kids living with us... like they will harm her baby... she lives 1500 miles away. Her brother lives with her. He is 18 and is constantly getting high. The baby's dad provides litle support. CPS was involved because the baby had a brain bleed but it was unclear how that all turned out and I am sure the full story would not be disclosed.

Needless to say - dad will give her money at a whim. I have tried talking to him about it but he just goes behind my back and does what he wants. In fact, he recently "loaned" her $4,500 for a lawyer (which he already paid $5,000 to.) Then told me about it two weeks after the fact...

My husband lost his job and just seems to want to continue to do this. As far as the 18 year old son goes, he came up here for a visit and was calling us names, cursing at us, and then practically demanded a car. He was constantly getting high while he stayed here (which is why he says he cant live with us)... I told my husband that if he bought this kid a car (especially acting in the manner he was) - we have 5 kids in our household. They see how he acts as setting an example, I would remove him from the insurance because I would not be responsible for him killing someone while he was driving since we are the primary insurance holders.  But I am a jerk to the [adult] kids living in a condo some 1500 miles away that we own because I enforce rules in my household...

I don't want to create a rift so I avoid it. I cannot control it. I can control me and that's it.  He continues to do what he's always done to keep getting what he's always got. He may end up with absolutely nothing in the end to show for - including his kids - which is sad.

I don't want to go to this reunion because his family is very rude. They make rude comments about me being fat (but they are ugly and I am dieting and losing weight)... they get into fights...just typical family stuff.  It's like "Hey let's be family, get together just so I can tell you how much I hate you..." and I fear it will be this way in addition to being cooped up with the adult kids and nowhere to hide... I just see being in a nice place and completely and utterly miserable crying my eyes out begging to go home.  I would prefer to avoid all that and let them have  a good time - without me as an excuse not to.

Sorry to write so long. I am writing more out of emotion than logic at this point. I am irked my DH just bought tickets and never said "Hey I am going to go ahead and buy tickets" It's not that he needed to but knowing would have been nice.  I had to ask to get any information about it - two weeks after the fact. I told him I was bothered by it but he just keeps doing it anyway.   So I guess that makes things fair game...Florida here I come!

If you don't want to go, then do not go.  Explain that you don't want to be around these people and why, and then stick with it.  If it's really that bad, don't let your kids go either.  He definitely handled this very wrong.

Your hubby has a serious enabling problem. 

Original Post by crazineko:

Your hubby has a serious enabling problem. 

I completely agree.

This sounds a lot like my Grandmother's husband and his kids (step-children, again).

The kids are entirely too spoiled, and take everything for granted. We (grandmother's kids and grandkids) helped them move out of their old house and into the new one.

Step-Grandfather has a heart problem, and is in the hospital. Who goes? Not his son, not his daughter, but his step-daughter, my Aunt.

Sounds the same with your family.

I would not go. I do not choose to be around people who I know will only insult me and hurt me.

That is not how I want to live my life, and each moment within your life is precious.

Is your husband independently wealthy that he can afford to have such leaches mooching off of him?

If it's his money from before you that he's spending rather than your mutual money then I guess I can see where it's primarily his business, but the lack of courtesy in telling you about it is just disturbing. 

If it's the income that the two of you earn and save then I'd definitely say enough is enough.  Set an amount that the two of you can afford to spend on all the kids and cut it off when it's at the limit and put what's not spent in a savings or trust account for those who aren't spending it.  BTW, with a lot of drug laws your condo could be seized by local law enforcement if there's drug activity taking place there.

If you don't go, what else is he going to spend on them and are you okay with that?  Personally I wouldn't go, but then again I'd probably wouldn't be with him as the sneakiness and continued involvement with children who won't even start being polite would drive me nuts.  If one of my children (imaginary) tried that kind of nastiness with my SO (also imaginary) I like to think that I'd cut them off until such a time as they managed to remember their manners.

Don't go.

If any of those little PITAs can get what they want, YOU SHOULD TOO.

I'd have a separate account too. And maybe divorce papers. He must be really really really good to YOU. Cause OMFG!

I find it is common for parents (dad in this case) to have spoiling issues with kids whom they have guilt with (divorces/second marriages etc.)

I think your post is more related to the issues between Hubby and yourself and respect and money.

If he was spending this recklessly on himself without telling you (gambling?/toys?) would you still be as displeased? Or is it simply a bit of resentment towards the "brats" who don't treat you with respect?

I think it is best not to attend the event since you would be in a rotten mood anyways.

But I think it would be even better to resolve these issues so that you don't have to avoid family events because of these unresolved issues. Does hubby understand your displeasure? Does he support you when his family disrepects you? Will he stand up for you in your absence if you stay home?

Family is almost always a part of the package. I've always said I would never marry someone who's family I couldn't accept.

I accept his family fine. He does not talk to his parents. The kids don't talk to them. Most people think - why are they going anyway. 

His kids were not brought up this way by their mother. I firmly believe their mother would "freak out" if she saw this. She would be raging. And you are right. It's completely out of guilt. Their mother died. He (irrationally) thinks it's his fault but she died of cancer - not as a result of something he ever did to her. But the kids came back and said (basically) what a horrible, abusive person and kept making him feel bad about not being there.

I don't have a reason to believe that he would support me if the parents were being rude or horrible towards me. He would likely either be ignorant or afraid and let me vent about it later.  I feel I would likely be left to fend for myself and just kind of take it. I cannot see him being aggressive in any way. They say things in a manner that would take most people aback... (ie "Move over fatso!) - stuff like that...

Original Post by aschraed:

Okay the song popped into my head. But I have issues (don't we all)...

Later on this month my husband has his family reunion/parent's 50th anniversary. I really (emphasize really) don't wanna go. My step-kids are gonna be there and I have to split a 2 bedroom suite with them (there's a total of 10 people all together). It's their whiny, uppity drawl (they are adults BTW) about dad needing to buy them (a car, pay their bills, get designer this or that...) that just makes my blood boi.

Dad has been trying to curb this but whatever... that's a whole other topic and it's hard for me to deal with - so I chock it up to it being his deal and this is how he has chosen to raise these kids. I try (really, really hard) to say nothing and watching it makes me irritable so I avoid it.  They are nonetheless disrespectful and rude. They are going because thier dad bought them a round trip ticket (without letting me know) so okay...They should go. They are family.  I just don't think I should. I don't feel like I belong with the rest of the family.

Moreover, his family dislikes me (though they don't know me. They may have spent a  total of a day talking to me). I am not the same religion as them...so therefore I am a "second rate" citizen to them and the step-kids (just the adults not the one that lives with us) speak horribly of me and my biological children; the eldest step-daughter (25 yo) made the mistake of talking to my friends in this manner and they were appalled and felt sorry for me.

She's an adult and her dad "fully" supports her. She does not have to work.  She has a kid. Dad bought her a condo and a brand new car and pays all of her bills. She always has a conveinient excuse for not getting a job... it's endless.  We have offered that she stay with us but she makes up horrible lies about the younger kids living with us... like they will harm her baby... she lives 1500 miles away. Her brother lives with her. He is 18 and is constantly getting high. The baby's dad provides litle support. CPS was involved because the baby had a brain bleed but it was unclear how that all turned out and I am sure the full story would not be disclosed.

Needless to say - dad will give her money at a whim. I have tried talking to him about it but he just goes behind my back and does what he wants. In fact, he recently "loaned" her $4,500 for a lawyer (which he already paid $5,000 to.) Then told me about it two weeks after the fact...

My husband lost his job and just seems to want to continue to do this. As far as the 18 year old son goes, he came up here for a visit and was calling us names, cursing at us, and then practically demanded a car. He was constantly getting high while he stayed here (which is why he says he cant live with us)... I told my husband that if he bought this kid a car (especially acting in the manner he was) - we have 5 kids in our household. They see how he acts as setting an example, I would remove him from the insurance because I would not be responsible for him killing someone while he was driving since we are the primary insurance holders.  But I am a jerk to the [adult] kids living in a condo some 1500 miles away that we own because I enforce rules in my household...

I don't want to create a rift so I avoid it. I cannot control it. I can control me and that's it.  He continues to do what he's always done to keep getting what he's always got. He may end up with absolutely nothing in the end to show for - including his kids - which is sad.

I don't want to go to this reunion because his family is very rude. They make rude comments about me being fat (but they are ugly and I am dieting and losing weight)... they get into fights...just typical family stuff.  It's like "Hey let's be family, get together just so I can tell you how much I hate you..." and I fear it will be this way in addition to being cooped up with the adult kids and nowhere to hide... I just see being in a nice place and completely and utterly miserable crying my eyes out begging to go home.  I would prefer to avoid all that and let them have  a good time - without me as an excuse not to.

Sorry to write so long. I am writing more out of emotion than logic at this point. I am irked my DH just bought tickets and never said "Hey I am going to go ahead and buy tickets" It's not that he needed to but knowing would have been nice.  I had to ask to get any information about it - two weeks after the fact. I told him I was bothered by it but he just keeps doing it anyway.   So I guess that makes things fair game...Florida here I come!

Florida here you come! That sounds fun. Not the reunion/parent's 50th anniversary part. :( There comes a point when you have to set boundaries. It seems like they're constantly stepping all over you. It's sad that your husband isn't on your side/team. I would suggest that you take the trip to Florida, but rent a get-away car. There is no reason you have to be around them the whole time. There are things that you can do while you're there without them. Lots! There is no reason you have to stay a long time at the reunion/party for their 50th either. I say: Go...Show up to give the card/eat a bit then use your get-away car!

 Spend time around them in small spurts while you're there. Make plans/Be busy. There is no reason you have to devote all of your time to them while you're there.

( Rent a hotel room too. )

Original Post by aschraed:
They say things in a manner that would take most people aback... (ie "Move over fatso!) - stuff like that...

It's disturbing that your husband doesn't put his foot down. It wouldn't hurt him to open his mouth to tell people to show his wife some respect. My husband takes any attack/insult on myself/daughter as a personal attack/insult to himself. I wouldn't go if my husband wouldn't take a supportive stance. ( I wouldn't remain his wife either. )

Or: I'd go rent a car/hotel and enjoy myself in Florida ...while he enjoyed them. Period. His lack of regard to your feelings and the way you're treated is unacceptable to me. It's just as disrespectful,dishonorable, and ugly as his family.

Original Post by aschraed:

I don't want to go to this reunion because his family is very rude. They make rude comments about me being fat (but they are ugly and I am dieting and losing weight)

You are an awesome person.

I can tell.

Anyone who can make such a fantastic funny whilst being put in such a horrible predicament is #1 in my books.

Thanks for making me laugh.

If your husband wont support your feeling and/or actions, I think you should stay home. Get a new book, stay in your jammies, and have a "maintenance" day. . . if ya know what I mean. ;)

Personally I think I'd stay home and find a divorce attorney to protect yourself and your kids.  If he can afford to pay for those people then a nice alimony check might be in order.