Staying Positive

So I have come to realize that even though I am cc-ing that I do not feel deprived.  There are not foods that I crave that I cannot have , if its a really naughty food I just have a little bit.  I finally am craving fruits and veggies, and try to eat a lot of them.  I cook almost all of my meals which helps tremendously, I gained all this weight when I was going out to eat twice a day, and eating whatever I wanted to.  Not necessarily thinking about what I was putting in my body, just the immediate pleasure that it gave to me. 

No one ever taught me about food as a child, and in taught I mean that food keeps you healthy and can make you fat.  My Great Grandmother had a buffet of junk food for me, twix, cupcakes, M & M's, chips, popcorn, you name it it was on that table.   And I could eat from it as much as I wanted to, so each summer while I stayed with her I got fatter and fatter.  I would cry when I went school shopping because nothing fit.  In Junior High and High School I stretched out a bit, and stopped spending summers with Gram, and eating so much junk.  But my Mom never cooked very much and when she did it wasn't healthy.  She would buy me hot pockets and potato chips, spaghettios and other junk to eat.  So I was always at the top of a healthy BMI.  It was my Junior year of HS before ever tried broccoli, and I loved it. 

Through college I continued to gain weight, except when I had a very strenuous job one summer and lost about 40 lbs or so.  I knew I  had lost weight but had no idea how much.  As soon as the job was over the weight crept back up, within a year 1/2 35 lbs heavier I was.   And I continued to gain at that rate for 3 more years hitting my peak of 229.  Ugh!  When I saw my pictures from my Graduation from college I was embarassed and disgusted.  I remember my winter coat did not even fit, ugh.  So I started working out, lost some weight.  I did that for awhile off and on staggering between 220-205 lbs.

I think I have lost the same 10 lbs maybe 5 times or so, fluctuating between 191-205 during the last 3 years or so.  And here I sit again at 191 lbs, looking to the future.  Never before have I also focused on working out so much.  It definitely helps carve away the layers.  The scale has not moved as much as I would like, but my clothes are fitting losely and that makes me feel good. 

So here I am at the point I usually throw up my hands and quit.  But I have no desire to quit this time, I want to push on.  Even though the scale seems stuck, I know it will change eventually.  It has to, calories in vs. calories out right.  I'm ready to let go of all this weight, so hopefully my body will be ready to let go of it too.  I want to see a healthier me.  Heart disease runs in my family, I have seen the devastation it creates I don't want that for myself.  So I eat only about 20 % meat, if that some weeks.  No oil fry cooking here, I do eat dairy but not a lot.  I do love foods laden with cheese but I know the consequenses. Today I eat foods that never made an appearnce in my life growing up, lentils, and greens, carrots, and cauliflower.  And I love them, I think they taste good! 

I just have to stick with my goals, view each day as a chance to make the right choices.  Not focus too harshly on the scale (my biggest downfall), and keep exercising.  Oh and keep telling myself that this WILL work.  I am 9 weeks into this process, and it will take time.  Unfortunately I do compare myself to others who seem to be losing weight much faster than myself.  I try to see why I can't lose weight like they do, and I don't know why.  But I shouldn't do that, it doesn't help.  Ah, anyway thanks for reading if you have made it this far I am assuming that you may have some of the same issues that I do.  And if you need encouragement I'll give you some because I know how you feel....