Stepmoms and Mother's Day

This May will mark my 3rd Mother's Day as a stepmom.  Both years I've gotten school-made gifts and cards from my step-daughter.  These meant the world to me!  Because she spends the actual holiday with her birth mom, I'm alone with my husband on that day.  The past TWO years he has done nothing to acknowledge Mother's Day.  Granted, his family isn't as big as mine is on holidays but it hurts getting cards/calls from my family who acknowledge that I AM a mom and he doesn't.  My step-daughter is 9 and while I think she appreciate what I do, I could use more acknowledgment, especially from my husband.  I don't get much thanks year-round (which he does occasionally apologize for) so I could really use it on Mother's Day.

Let's compare: I make her breakfast every school morning, I make sure she has clean clothes to wear, I work 2 part-time jobs to help pay the bills, I make sure she is awake on time for school, I pick her up on days it fits my schedule (b/c sometimes she needs a break from Grandma's house), I pack lunches for her when the school is serving fish nuggets or something equally gross, I help her clean her room, I help her with her homework, I help make child care arrangements for the summer and make sure her dad signs school permission slips and such on time, I help her bake treats to give to her teachers for holidays, I watch movies with her, I curl up in bed and cuddle with her, I recommend and buy good books for her to read, I pray and attend church with her, and I tell her I love her.

Her birth mom: doesn't feed her breakfast (we meet her at the school with food), wastes money on a WII and "play clothes" for her daughters and then complains she doesn't have money for school clothes or rent, has to call us semi-regularly because something comes up and she can't drive the 3 miles to pick up her daughter, keeps switching jobs and won't work full-time and then co mplains she has no money, keeps kicking out her live-in, convicted felon boyfriend/baby daddy and then has him come back so she can sleep in while he cares for the kids.

My mother-in-law always gives BM something for Mother's Day but never anything for me.  When prompted by his mom, my husband also usually gives her something small just to "play nice"

The last two years I've gotten nothing from the in-laws or husband.  Not even a "Happy Mother's Day" or "Thanks for all you do."  Maybe this is selfish b/c I'd do these things whether I was thanked or not.  I just want them to let me know I'm appreciated.  The last 2 Mother's Days have ended with me in tears and storming out of the house to buy a small something special for myself.  My husband told me last year I should remind him beforehand so he doesn't forget to acknowledge me but that seems petty.  I don't want or need much.  Just a card and "Happy Mother's Day" would be nice. 

Do I suck it up and just see what he does?

Do I gently remind him now about the upcoming holiday?

Am I being overly sensitive?

HELP!  I don't want to be a b****, but I also want to feel like a mom on Mother's Day.  We have the step-kiddo 50% of the time and I do SO MUCH with her and for her compared to her birth mom.  (My husband and I both do- he's an amazing father and I don't want to discredit him at all.) 

Thoughts/feelings/feedback?

In my view Mothers Day is principally a simple opportunity for children (of all ages) to acknowledge their mother (or step mother or whoever stand in as a mother normally).  I don't think partners or wider family are obliged to join in particularly beyond helping smaller children organise presents and cards.  Otherwise the whole thing would get cumbersome and too overblown. 

I think you're introducing a competitive element into the occasion which it really doesn't deserve.  You're seeing the gifts and cards as confirmation that you're a superior mother-figure.  I'd suggest dropping that attitude because, however badly the child's mother behaves, blood is always thicker than water and you're unlikely to emerge the victor. 

Be grateful that you have a good enough relationship with your step-daughter that she makes you a card.  That's really the very top accolade and you shouldn't expect more. 

While I agree with Jane that the holiday is for children to ackowledge their mom or step-mom....I see something else going on here.  II believe at your step-daughter's age, your husband should also be acknowleding you....correct that, he should acknowledge all you do at any age, whether you were her mom or stepmom.  It is wrapped up in how much he appreciates you and shows you he does. 

On the opposite side....you should also appreciate him and show/tell him. 

Sounds like you and he have a subject to talk about. 

I agree with everybody.. Gee, that might be a first.

I agree that Mother's Day should be for children (or stepchildren) of any age to acknowledge their Mother. However, now it has become a general Hallmark Day, cards for My Neighbor Who Has Been Like A  Mother to My Cat, etc.

That said, maybe you could just teasingly say to the hubby,

So what are we gonna do for Mother's Day? Breakfast in bed, brunch, you name it.

If your stepdaughter is grateful for what you do, what her mother does is irrelevant. I know it would be maddening but I would try to concentrate on being the best mother I could be, ignoring the weaknesses of the other mom.

Let me say,

Happy Mother's Day to you (and all mothers everywhere)

SUE

Original Post by kthompson92:

but I also want to feel like a mom on Mother's Day. 

Doesn't all of this stuff make you feel like a mom?

Original Post by kthompson92:

I make her breakfast every school morning, I make sure she has clean clothes to wear, I work 2 part-time jobs to help pay the bills, I make sure she is awake on time for school, I pick her up on days it fits my schedule (b/c sometimes she needs a break from Grandma's house), I pack lunches for her when the school is serving fish nuggets or something equally gross, I help her clean her room, I help her with her homework, I help make child care arrangements for the summer and make sure her dad signs school permission slips and such on time, I help her bake treats to give to her teachers for holidays, I watch movies with her, I curl up in bed and cuddle with her, I recommend and buy good books for her to read, I pray and attend church with her, and I tell her I love her.

I understand wanting acknowledment for what you do as a mother. Let's face it though, we are not celebrities who get awards for doing our job. Be grateful that you daughter gives you the acknowledgement you deserve and just be happy that you love doing what you do.  Get yourself a mother's day gift and let your husband know about it. Maybe he'll get the hint.  By the way, I Really do understand that you feel unappreciated. But, do we need one day that makes us feel that way? It's just another day and move on.

Well, I am the birth mom of all 4 of my husbands children and I don't get an acknowledgement from him either so your not alone. Does it bother you BECAUSE you are not the birth mom and your taking it personally and your feelings are being hurt? My dh just isn't very good at holidays or birthdays. I've mentioned mothers day to him before and that I never get anything and he just says. Well, your not my mother. Shrugs

I know how you feel!! 

 I was with a man who had 4 children and I did all the things you are doing and never even got so much as a card from any of them on Mothers Day.

 But I did find as they got older they remembered all the things that I did for them and appreciated it, which I did not think they even noticed and they remebered most of the lessons that I  taught them (sense of responsibity, etc)

 They also saw the difference between me, always being there for them and their own Mother, who was there for them when it suited her. 

It all takes time and it is sometimes very hard not to feel that you are being taken for granted but you have to look to the reasons why you are doing this in the first place, which should be for the betterment and good life of the child and because she is your hubby's child!!!  Not for recognition of what a good person you think you are!!!! 

I will echo what workingtobethin said as far as acknowledgement from the SK's and will add that, as a step-kid myself, I wasn't always real great in appreciating my step-mom when I was younger.  As an adult, I've done a far better job in letting her know that I appreciate her.

My DH is the same way with Mother's Day as far as the lack of acknowledgment, as was my ex-DH.  I think guys just don't get that it can be important to some of us. 

Truly, I feel the loss of not having my mom with me any longer on Mother's Day far more than I feel upset if anyone acknowledges me as a mom. 

I can almost bet than when you SD is older, she will fully recognize and acknowledge you as her "other mother". 

Original Post by workingtobethin:

I know how you feel!! 

 I was with a man who had 4 children and I did all the things you are doing and never even got so much as a card from any of them on Mothers Day.

 But I did find as they got older they remembered all the things that I did for them and appreciated it, which I did not think they even noticed and they remebered most of the lessons that I  taught them (sense of responsibity, etc)

 They also saw the difference between me, always being there for them and their own Mother, who was there for them when it suited her. 

It all takes time and it is sometimes very hard not to feel that you are being taken for granted but you have to look to the reasons why you are doing this in the first place, which should be for the betterment and good life of the child and because she is your hubby's child!!!  Not for recognition of what a good person you think you are!!!! 

This helps a lot.  Like I said, it's not that I want to be petty.  I just get frustrated that my husband and in-laws thank her birth mom for what... giving birth to her?  Because that's about the only helpful thing she's done for the child.

I constantly thank and praise my husband for what he does around the house and what a great dad he is.  I brag about him to others.  I never get thanked for anything I do and he gets reminded of this every few months.  He will sit down with SD (sometimes in my presence, sometimes not) and say, "Kathy does so much for us.  We really need to remember to not take her for granted and thank her more often."  This behavior usually lasts less than a day and then we're back to their ususal ungratefulness.  My husband also regularly plays the "I'm the dad" card which makes me angry.  I want to say, "Yes, and I'm the female who does more parenting than her mom."

Being a step-parent is a damn tough and often thankless job.  My parents usually give me a phone call to tell me how great I'm doing with the SD on Mother's Day.  People at church and friends wish me a nice day.  I just want my husband and maybe my in-laws to SAY it and remember to thank me and acknowledge all I do for them.  I guess it's more me venting about their general ungratefulness rather than Mother's Day itself.

Original Post by kthompson92:

I want to say, "Yes, and I'm the female who does more parenting than her mom."

Being a step-parent is a damn tough and often thankless job.

From what I have experienced, parenting in itself is a fairly thankless job. Any parent, biological or otherwise, knows that when a child throws up on you...they don't thank you for being there to catch it and clean up after them.

Part of being a parent is knowing inside how much you are worth and how valuable you are. Children would not make it far without us, but they don't always thank us verbally. The thanks we receive on a regular basis is more subtle, yet powerful. This sporadic hugs, hearing them use 'please' and 'thank you' unprompted, watching them laugh.

And I agree with gi-jane, you've got to drop the attitude about the kid's mom. No matter the issues with her, your step-daughter loves her. That is her biological mother. If she senses your dislike (which she probably does) she will end up resenting you for the simple fact that you don't like her mom.

My husband and I are very encouraging and positive about how we discuss her mom in front of her.  When the no breakfast thing comes up, we emphasize that it's harder for her mom because she has two kids to take care of and is busier than we are so she doesn't have the time to fix breakfast in the way I do.  When her mom forgot to pick her up at school b/c she was napping, I reassured her that her mom didn't forget, she just wasn't feeling well enough to wake up on time.  Granted, some things do come through b/c much of the tv she watches at her mom's is banned by my husband and most of the clothing she wears from her mom's house is asked to be changed as soon as she gets here.  But that's mostly my husband's call and he explains his reasoning to the step-kiddo.

My husband regularly reminds me that he had years of building up patience and tolerance to her when she was an infant where I just had to jump in with both feet once we were married.  He is quick to point out that I do have it tougher in many ways. 

Some of you are making me feel really crappy and petty.  Why is it too much to expect a spouse on Mother's Day (or any other time of the year) to acknowledge all I do for his household?  When we do talk, he admits how much he loves being married and having someone to share the load with.  He admits that not everyone could take on the situation I've taken on.  So why not give me a little credit once in awhile?  That's what this really comes down to.

I hear you on not getting credit/acknowledgment from your husband - sounds really frustrating and while I'm sure it is frustrating year-round I can see why it gets more frustrating on Mother's Day.  I don't have kids but for me and my BF it's Valentine's Day - I would like romantic gestures sometime, anytime, and it's a frequent bone of contention with us that as much as he loves me he is NOT into romance ... and while I feel like Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday it just niggles that little bit more on Feb 14.

In my family though, Mother's Day has always been about the kids acknowledging my mum, not the rest of the family. 

Original Post by kelleigh:

Original Post by kthompson92:

I want to say, "Yes, and I'm the female who does more parenting than her mom."

Being a step-parent is a damn tough and often thankless job.

From what I have experienced, parenting in itself is a fairly thankless job. Any parent, biological or otherwise, knows that when a child throws up on you...they don't thank you for being there to catch it and clean up after them.

Part of being a parent is knowing inside how much you are worth and how valuable you are. Children would not make it far without us, but they don't always thank us verbally. The thanks we receive on a regular basis is more subtle, yet powerful. This sporadic hugs, hearing them use 'please' and 'thank you' unprompted, watching them laugh.

And I agree with gi-jane, you've got to drop the attitude about the kid's mom. No matter the issues with her, your step-daughter loves her. That is her biological mother. If she senses your dislike (which she probably does) she will end up resenting you for the simple fact that you don't like her mom.

  Exactly. Our children aren't required to thank us for anything. Children/babies are actually quite selfish in all reality. They have to be starting from birth in order to get what they want, need, ect. They're selfish as toddlers too we just look past it while teaching them. Consider how long it takes to teach sharing,Lol. Nearly two decades in some cases. :)  It's not something that's naturally breed into a child from birth. It's not even expected as far as I'm concerned. Gratitude is something that grows as a relationship advances along with their understanding. Some children aren't thankful until they reach adulthood.We're the ones that teach children to be hyped up about the Mother's Day, ect. A child's requirements are to grow, learn, and play. That's it. We care for our children because we love them. It's one of many duties that we choose when taking on the role of parent regardless of circumstances. Some people take the role for the wrong reason so are very disappointed. I'm thanked by my daughter in a million tiny ways on daily basis. Each time she learns something new. Each time says " I missed you." Every time she says " I love you soooo much. " Or: When she's hurt/scared/or upset and all it takes is me to comfort her. Just me. The fact I can fix boo boos with a kiss and a hug is thanks. When nobody can sing/knows the alligator song the way mommy does... and she needs me to do it... That's my ' thank you. ' It's our special bond shining through on a regular basis. There are all sorts of ' important things ' that she needs me to do for her. However, when it's the small things she needs me to do that touch my heart.

We can easily force thank you's just like we force I'm sorry's from our children. It's like when your child bites/punches the other kid on the playground. They say they're sorry... Of course... why? because they know it's expected/forced upon them. Are they sorry? Probably not. The truth is the other kid on the playground probably had it coming. However: That behavior isn't tolerated by us adults. We're ' teaching ' them. As adults: Relationships are tricky. Nobody tells us what to do or forces the apology... So sometimes we say forget it... because in honesty we aren't sorry. We teach them to say they're sorry to us, other children, other adults. Constantly ... It's just a lie most of the time,Lol. A lie we reinforced because we're trying to help/teach them. They're still learning what's expected and acceptable behavior. We also want to save them drama on a future note too. The reason I'm saying this is because as an adult it's your job to cultivate the value of " Thank you " on Mother's day. Express it to your step daughter with your husband to teach her. Teach her Mother's day is for any woman that ever loved a child... any woman that ever kissed a boo boo.  Ect. There's a sweet way to go about it in a positive manner. It seeds a thought/action that she'll grow to understand... more and more. It doesn't have to be about you. Just setting a general tone that this is the day to be thankful to mother figures. However: She already gives you school-made gifts and cards and says Happy Mother's Day. Isn't that really enough?? She should spend the actual holiday with her birth mom. That's wonderful. 

In regard to her mother you aren't doing yourself a favor. It's petty. I suggest that you get a hold of your hostility towards her mother. The In-Laws aren't required to give gifts to anyone their son married. They want to give his ex a gift because she gave birth to their granddaughter.  That's all. Yes. She gave BIRTH to their granddaughter. They're thankful that she brought their grand baby into the world. Mhm. That answers your question with a big fat 'yes.' It's simple. They also seem to have their eggs lined up. They're being kind to their grand daughter by treating her mommy well. It's all about their little grand daughter. The fact you're trying to pull a " Look at me! When I set myself side by side with her mother... Look at all the points I chalk up. "  card is just low. It doesn't impress anyone,imho.

My In-Laws aren't so ' nice ' to me at all times. It's something that I will never give them back in return. The reason for which being every little thing I do somehow has an affect on my daughter. I know that. I never want their hostility to become my own. I don't ever want my daughter to assume that I share the same negativity. I'm always nice and considerate of them in every possible way. I encourage my husband to remain close to them.( I've bought his mother a Mother's day card/gift the last two years. He refused. This year he hasn't mentioned one but I will make sure his mother is sent something nice. His mother did damage to their relationship by disrespecting me. It's something I try at all cost to smooth over and let go. It's just needless fake drama.) I want him to have a good healthy relationship with his mother. I also encourage my daughter to love them. I make sure we're available to attend big family functions and for holidays.ect  I will always be that way regardless of any hostility towards me. Why? I want my daughter to remain available to them to be loved. To know them. Children are constantly watching us from a wee age. Continue to disrespect her mother and she'll hold resentment towards you. Maybe not now... But later.... And when she does.... That will be the end of your days. I'm saying this because you do not understand. Family means a great deal to me so I will do anything to ensure a happy one. Anything. Her mother: May not be so inclined to smooth bridges for you. ( I read your above post, but just wanted to share my 2cents. Incase it may save you from sayings things in the heat of the moment,ect. Anywhere down the line as parents we make mistakes. It's easier to avoid them when we're aware of potential disaster. Lol. Kids have a way of picking up on negative energy. It's like the ability children have to find a way to blame themselves.)

The In-Laws aren't required to thank you or give you a gift. They aren't even required to like you in all honesty. I'd let it go. In reality no harm may've been meant. You can do more damage by holding on to the notion. I don't think it's something personal against you. :)

The step daughter you're helping to parent isn't ungrateful. She's a child. Feel lucky that you receive any formal thanks in her regard. It isn't required. It's your job to be the adult and recognize her gratitude. As she grows older she will understand more. She will come to her own conclusion about what her mother does/doesn't do. She will decide for herself how she feels about what her mother. It is not your place to inform her. It woud just amount to a petty vendetta due to frustration. Be respectable. In time she'll appreciate all that you've do/have done/ and will do. The stability that her mother is lacking with be admired through you. 

Your dear husband is the culprit. You aren't his mother and you didn't give birth to his daughter. That's fact. However: That doesn't mean that he shouldn't display his appreciation. He isn't required to do it for Mother's Day though. That doesn't mean that he couldn't do so because it's meaningful to you. It doesn't matter if he unintentially forgot or not. It doesn't matter if he wasn't aware of it's significance. The moment he was informed it hurts you he should've took note. Helping you! In regard to your step daughter, his parents, and his own reaction. How? By telling parents what he was getting you for Mother's Day in private. Parents follow suit sometimes so they may need his nudge. If he's showing/expressing his appreciation of you in that regard to his parents.... It's likely they will suddenly see you in that light as well. When prompted by his mom, he also usually gives his ex something small just to "play nice." It's that same concept. Only instead it's a nudge by him directed towards his parents to involve/acknowledge you. ( It's worthless,imo... It might make you feel good though I don't know. It's like asking for a compliment at this point. It's invalid when you receive it because it was prompted. I think pressuring your step daughter to do anything more may cause her to feel awkward/inadequate. ) He doesn't sound like a very sentimental/romantic man. Is he? If not: He may feel that he shows you in other ways. That doesn't make him horrible husband just an inconsiderate one. You've made enough of a spectacle of the holiday in order for him to be aware. The lack of sensitivity is something you need to take up with him. It isn't petty. It's ridiculous that he's aware and isn't considerate of your feelings.

 Communication is Key. Try Simple Honesty: Tell him that you want to feel special. Tell him you're being somewhat self-centered/petty, but seriously. Tell him that you're high maintenance in this regard. That you need admiration and to feel better than his ex. That you don't want to feel left out. Tell him that. Or try another approach: Arrange a night out and he'll get the hint.  " Honey, I knew you were busy so made arrangements for blah at blah.  Does that sound good? I want it to be special for Mother's Day." Seriously. Try cultivating the change by reacting differently to circumstances. 

I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day.

Happy Mother's Day-early! Best of Luck.

You're not your husband's mother, Do you really want to be treated like you are?

How does he act toward you on your anniversary?  That's the day for him to show special appreciation for you and you for him.

I can't quite understand why you would expect a mothers day card from your other half or even your in laws...you aren't their mother are you? your step daughter gives you a token of her appreciation surely that is enough?

 My husband also regularly plays the "I'm the dad" card which makes me angry.  I want to say, "Yes, and I'm the female who does more parenting than her mom."

  He has every right to pull that card, imho. The amount of parenting you believe you do in comparison to her mother is invalid.

How is a step-parent's parenting invalid? If they chose not to help out that wouldn't go unnoticed, would it?

Original Post by vegetariangeek:

How is a step-parent's parenting invalid? If they chose not to help out that wouldn't go unnoticed, would it?

imho: The amount of parenting the OP does in comparison to the birth mother is an invalid argument. Either way. The " I'm the Dad " card is something he's rightfully entitled to use.

I think I see your point about the comparison. But isn't "I'm the one who does a whole lot of caregiving" valid?

Original Post by vegetariangeek:

I think I see your point about the comparison. But isn't "I'm the one who does a whole lot of caregiving" valid?

My 2cents:

 The stepparent's place isn't always actively initiating direct discipline. Although it may be the biological parent who delivers the initial consequences for misbehavior... It's important that the stepparent be active in support of that decision. Extreme care should be taken that proper respect and acknowledgement of the stepparent is given. A stepmother is not simply one's husband's wife. She is in fact an adult and an authority figure in the home. That doesn't mean that her say goes against the biological parent.

Every situation/family is different due to circumstances. That's fact. However: It is my general understanding/belief that unless.... Unless you as a step-mom/dad are added to the family when the children are/were very young... It will most likely be difficult for you to dicipline your spouses children. Trying to decipline your nonbiological children is like skating on thin ice. It's easy to create resentment on the part of your spouse. The fact that he's pulling the " I'm the Dad " card all the time says it all. He's entitled to pull that card rightfully,imo. The OP should respect that card. While I don't believe it's likely a workable situation for a stepparent to be a direct disciplinarian. I do believe it's extrememly important that the stepparent be an active supporter of the biological parent's disciplinary efforts. Both biological parents and stepparents should discuss the rules of the house. That way they have already established what standards of which the children will be held accountable. That's when they negotiate an agreement for the ' said standards.' Anytime: The " I'm the Dad " card is pulled... That means you're opening yourself up to be resented by the biological parent.