Stepmoms and Mother's Day

This May will mark my 3rd Mother's Day as a stepmom.  Both years I've gotten school-made gifts and cards from my step-daughter.  These meant the world to me!  Because she spends the actual holiday with her birth mom, I'm alone with my husband on that day.  The past TWO years he has done nothing to acknowledge Mother's Day.  Granted, his family isn't as big as mine is on holidays but it hurts getting cards/calls from my family who acknowledge that I AM a mom and he doesn't.  My step-daughter is 9 and while I think she appreciate what I do, I could use more acknowledgment, especially from my husband.  I don't get much thanks year-round (which he does occasionally apologize for) so I could really use it on Mother's Day.

Let's compare: I make her breakfast every school morning, I make sure she has clean clothes to wear, I work 2 part-time jobs to help pay the bills, I make sure she is awake on time for school, I pick her up on days it fits my schedule (b/c sometimes she needs a break from Grandma's house), I pack lunches for her when the school is serving fish nuggets or something equally gross, I help her clean her room, I help her with her homework, I help make child care arrangements for the summer and make sure her dad signs school permission slips and such on time, I help her bake treats to give to her teachers for holidays, I watch movies with her, I curl up in bed and cuddle with her, I recommend and buy good books for her to read, I pray and attend church with her, and I tell her I love her.

Her birth mom: doesn't feed her breakfast (we meet her at the school with food), wastes money on a WII and "play clothes" for her daughters and then complains she doesn't have money for school clothes or rent, has to call us semi-regularly because something comes up and she can't drive the 3 miles to pick up her daughter, keeps switching jobs and won't work full-time and then co mplains she has no money, keeps kicking out her live-in, convicted felon boyfriend/baby daddy and then has him come back so she can sleep in while he cares for the kids.

My mother-in-law always gives BM something for Mother's Day but never anything for me.  When prompted by his mom, my husband also usually gives her something small just to "play nice"

The last two years I've gotten nothing from the in-laws or husband.  Not even a "Happy Mother's Day" or "Thanks for all you do."  Maybe this is selfish b/c I'd do these things whether I was thanked or not.  I just want them to let me know I'm appreciated.  The last 2 Mother's Days have ended with me in tears and storming out of the house to buy a small something special for myself.  My husband told me last year I should remind him beforehand so he doesn't forget to acknowledge me but that seems petty.  I don't want or need much.  Just a card and "Happy Mother's Day" would be nice. 

Do I suck it up and just see what he does?

Do I gently remind him now about the upcoming holiday?

Am I being overly sensitive?

HELP!  I don't want to be a b****, but I also want to feel like a mom on Mother's Day.  We have the step-kiddo 50% of the time and I do SO MUCH with her and for her compared to her birth mom.  (My husband and I both do- he's an amazing father and I don't want to discredit him at all.) 

Thoughts/feelings/feedback?

I have Fridays off so today was my last day at work before the weekend.  About 5 or 6 people wished me a Happy Mother's Day and 2 asked what the DH and SD were doing for me.  I stumbled around an answer b/c I didn't know what to say.  I know on Monday I'll be asked what my family did for me (this has happened the past 2 years as well).  How would you respond?  I really would appreciate suggestions b/c the last 2 year, these askings have made me emotional to respond that nothing was done.  I also know my mom will ask the same thing when I call her to wish her a Happy Mom's Day.  THOUGHTS?

Original Post by kthompson92:

This May will mark my 3rd Mother's Day as a stepmom.  Both years I've gotten school-made gifts and cards from my step-daughter.  These meant the world to me! 

My husband told me last year I should remind him beforehand so he doesn't forget to acknowledge me but that seems petty.  I don't want or need much.  Just a card and "Happy Mother's Day" would be nice. 

Original Post by kthompson92:

I have Fridays off so today was my last day at work before the weekend.  About 5 or 6 people wished me a Happy Mother's Day and 2 asked what the DH and SD were doing for me.  I stumbled around an answer b/c I didn't know what to say.  I know on Monday I'll be asked what my family did for me (this has happened the past 2 years as well).  How would you respond?  I really would appreciate suggestions b/c the last 2 year, these askings have made me emotional to respond that nothing was done.  I also know my mom will ask the same thing when I call her to wish her a Happy Mom's Day.  THOUGHTS?

 Say the above: " This May will mark my 3rd Mother's Day as a stepmom. Both years I've gotten schoolmade gifts and cards from my step-daughter. These meant the world to me! I don't need or want much. Just a card and " Happy Mother's Day " would mean be nice/mean the world. "

Seriously. Um.That's something. Your step-daughter has done something each year. That's something that undeniable in worth. Repeat what you told everyone here about how much it meant to you. That's not nothing! o_o Drama drama. btw: Remind your hubby/talk to him/straight forward.

You could've said:" My stepdaughter spends the holiday with her biological mother. So it's just going to be my hubby and I. We'll probably have dinner and watch a movie. Something low-key but sweet time.This May will mark my 3rd Mother's Day as a stepmom. Both years I've gotten schoolmade gifts and cards from my step-daughter. These meant the world to me! I don't need or want much. Just a card and " Happy Mother's Day " means the world."

Arrange something for Mother's Day with your hubby. Cultivate the outcome that you want. & Acknowledge the acknowledgement you already receive.

I think it's the same as Christmas or Valentine's or a long weekend or any other event - different people celebrate it in different ways.  You can definitely respond with "my step-daughter made me the sweetest little card - what about you?" and leave it at that. 

I know it FEELS worse because you're sensitive about Mother's Day, but it's not that different from someone saying they went on an exciting camping trip for the long weekend whereas you cleaned out your garage.  I would just change the subject if it's making you feel sad.

Keeping it in perspective:

Well, here it is, Mother's Day morning.  The kids didn't make crafts in school this year but with NO reminder, my husband and step-daughter got my cards.  Which was all I really wanted. 

Last night we were planning to attend church as a family (with the in-laws) and give my MIL her card and gift and then take SD to BM's by dinnertime.  BM had okayed this and then around 2 pm started texting and insisting that SD come home sooner b/c they were going to visit her mom and grandmom whom they rarely see.  They aren't a very close family so we knew this was a big deal.  DH took the SD to her BM's apartment and reminded her we'd need her for church (it's in the custody agreement).  BM pitched a big fit even though we said we'd take her to the latest Sunday afternoon service available to accommodate their Mother's Day plans.  She's pissed and probably won't allow us to have SD for church. 

My husband woke up this morning to a text claiming that SD STILL has head lice.  She had them 2 weeks ago (courtesy of her half sister who gets them everytime she goes to BM's boyfriend's house) and we were certain it was under control after doing all proper treatments.  I've helped with her hair this week as has her grandma (an RN) and neither of us saw anything yet BM sent a nasty message claiming it was our fault since no on in their house had them.  We're presuming the lice are still living at mom's house and she got them again when she went home last night.

So, here I sit on Mother's Day with things in a good perspective but still frustrated with BM.  If SD were here, she wouldn't have lice.  She'd be going to church.  She would have had a chance to see her grandmother.  She was whisked off so quickly at BM's request, my husband delivered her cards to me and MIL on her behalf. 

I can honestly say, I'm a true mom.  It was actually something my own mom said to me yesterday that helped me pull it all together.  That conversation took place well prior to the BM drama.  She reminded me that being a mom is an everyday job (yes- something many of you have said but there's something about it coming from your own mom).  She also said she didn't want us to buy her gifts anymore (too late for this year!).  She said that next year she wanted each of us to use the money we'd spend on her to create a great day for ourselves by going to a spa (I presume expects my brother to do something more mandly with his $$!) or something to treat ourselves.  Then, she wanted us to call her and tell her what a nice day we'd had in her honor.  That's a true mom for ya-- selfless through and through.

Before I was even awake, my brother texted me to wish me a good Mother's Day.  Then, there were the cards from hubby and SD.  My mom forgot to send a card but they made up with an online one (that's fine with me-- thought that counts).  Later today, when my bro and sis are at my parents, we'll all get on the webcam to give mom her gift.  Dad got her a porch swing and the kids pitched in on serving platters, dishes, and pitchers for the many patio cookouts they have all spring and summer.  She should be stoked.  We tried to get something with her in mind that the whole family would benefit from.

Ok- Happy Mother's Day to all and thanks for your thoughts, wisdom, and suggestions as I faced this difficult/awkward holiday.

P.S. The hubby and I were going to spend the day gardening together but now we have to spend the day de-lousing our house just in case.  FUN!