Struggling to get back on the wagon...

Hello everyone...I've never posted to this group before, even though I joined it right away back in January or whenever I actually joined calorie count.  My basic history is this...My heighest weight was 218 lbs.  I am 5'5" and I have large bones, but I am defiantely FAT at 218.  I managed to lose roughly 30 pounds for my wedding last october.  I even managed to keep the weight off for roughtly 6 months.  Then my husband was diagnosed with Leukemia in April, 2009.  So these last 6 months I've completely fallen off the wagon.  I've tried to pick myself back up a few times but that only lasted until the next time he went back into the hospital.  I completely went to food in order to ignore the emotions that were going on inside of me...that I've come to learn that I use food to punish myself when I feel guilty.  So I've identified that as a problem.  Long story short...My husband has just finished his last round of CHEMO and his odds are GREAT that he'll be cured.  So he's still recovering right now, but it's all gonna be looking up from here.  I know that when his belly starts feeling better (the chemo really affects it) that he's going to turn into a Natural Food Junky and become obsessed with his health.  I am hoping that this will help prompt me to jump back on the wagon.  When we first met my husband was super fit...but he's put on some weight and stopped working out.  I know he'll get back into the groove much easier than me.  But I want to be happy with myself again.  So...I'm putting this out there...at this point I'm not sure what my weight is...somewhere around 212 I think was the last time I weighed in.  My pants are a size 18 which makes me feel miserable because I was down to a 14 at 185 pounds.  Anyway...I'm hoping to gain some motivation from all of your ispirational stories.  I've been watching the Biggest Loser...which screws with my head, but I'm going to try to draw inspritation from there stories as well. 

I look forward to hearing from you all.  Thank you in advance!!!

My goals: 
1.) Lose 30 pounds, and re-evaluate my weight loss goals
2.) Start doing some form of exercise (The truth...I live steps away from the community gym at my apartment complex which has an indoor pool and a weight room with cardio machines.  I have NO EXCUSE)
3.) Start feeling better about myself...I am a good person, and my husband loves me the way I am, so why don't I?

Hi jdubay,

I'm sorry to hear about your husband, and I hope he recovers soon.

And I relate to your number 2 goal. Having the tools to lose weight has never been a problem. It's always the motivation. Keeping the goal- an image of what my life will look like, what I'll feel like- foremost in my mind is really the only way that I can sustain my effort.

The success stories are the biggest help to me on CC.

Good luck!

I'm happy to hear your husband is getting better. It should help you as well since I'll guess you were too stressed/worried about him to really obsess over yourself. That's love. It happens.

Now that things are looking up, maybe you two will be able to swim and workout together. If you prefer to break a sweat alone, try mixing the aerobics with some pilates or weights. It worked for me (pre-baby). I think I love 30 pounds in like 2.5 months--- but I was like 290 and dropped to 260. I think I've heard it's easier to lose the first 20 when you have more to lose. I don't know if that's true though. But good luck!