Stupid ED.

i actually thought i was doing good. but i dont know what happened to me today.

i broke down.

before dinner, i thought of what i was going to eat, and planned it exactly. then when it was time for dinner, the food i was planning to eat didnt work out. my parents made wanted to have just the beef and bean soup with salad and pita bread and humus. but i didnt want to have only that because i didnt think that would be enough. so i asked to have 1 slice of homemade pizza, and then a bit of  the soup, and salad. my mom ended up serving me way too much soup , and my pizza was soooo cheesy. i just broke down at the dinner table. i kept quiet and almost cried infront of my parents. i finished the pizza and salad, but only had half the amount of soup i was served - completely ignoring the beef inside. then ran upstairs in my room and started crying.

ugh i HATE that feeling. i feel like i need for my meals to be perfect.

i dont even know what im scared of. at the time, my thoughts are all over the place, and now im just left feeling like crap and angry.

i should have had what my parents were having. ugh im so stupid! :(

i hate that too, i am the same way. i plan what i eat but if something goes wrong i freak out. and if i go out to eat with people... well i cant even do that anymore, it gives me so much anxiety. ED's suck. anyways what you ate sounds like a balanced meal, so try not to worry about it so much :/

While reading this post, a whole bunch of flashbacks just rushed through my brain. It's unbelievable to think just how many times I have been through that same situation you just experienced. I remember planning my day around dinner time or stressing about what mom was going to prepare for dinner. I often went into mini panic modes right before dinner was served and almost always had some sort of freak-out because of dinner, often leaving me in tears. I wanted to be able to eat dinner like a normal person, but just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Staying more on topic, I had an encounter like you experienced just the other day actually. It was all because of this stupid meat sauce my mom had made for our ravioli dinner. Normally she cooks it seperate so I can put the amount I want on after - but not that time. That time she mixed it in with the ravioli.  I thought it would be ok, until she served me my bowl. When she served me my bowl, I imediately broke down in tears and went into a panic mode.  All I seen was a POOL of meat sauce. Literally. It was like there was no ravioli in that bowl at all, that's how much sauce there was. This made me become very frustrated because I was hungry and the last thing I wanted was what could have been a good meal, ruined.

Lot's of other times I remember ending up with a different meal than the rest of my family and regretting it later, just wishing I would of had what was planned, like everyone. Same with snacks. I often change my mind alot. I will have a set snack planned, change my mind, and regret it later. About a week ago I did that and felt completely confused with myself, asking myself why I was so stupid enough to switch up my snack routine and go with a new one. I was afraid I would ruin my hard work of gaining the pounds. But, you know what? It didn't ruin anything at all. Infact, I gained the next morning.

I know it can be very frustrating, but you cannot turn back. You just have to try and forget about the "mistakes" you made and start tomorrow fresh. Stressing out won't be good for your weight gain. You don't want any set backs. Just try not to be too hard on yourself. I always say to myself "I will try harder tomorrow". That's what always helps me. By the way, I still think you did good by trying to push yourself, knowing you hadn't had enough calories in. Good for you!

PS - Sorry for the long post and if most of this post is off-topic. Hope some of it helped anyway.

hey chick like petite manner said it happened to her the other day. it happens to us all . try not to feel bad about it , you are bound to have moments like this after all your battling something which is very hard . if you could just get on with it im sure like many of youd be better by now. its hard dealing with change , and something that is hard to deal with is letting go of those anorexic beliefs and doing normal things like having what your mum has prepared , it only because we are all so hung up with calories and weight that we look at ever portion and ounce of food. but it is realising normal people just do what they think like your mum did with the cheese on the pizza . hope that makes sense thinking of you h x

hey..

i know what you're going through.. i live in nyc and it is now a state law that every restaurant puts the cal amounts next to the food. i always break down crying. its just another battle that we have to overcome to make ourselves strongers. its so tough to separate our healthy from our unhealthy ED mind.

i truly believe this is a life long recovery process and unfortunately it usually seems to be the most lonely road to travel in life, but trust you ARE NOT alone. there are so many people battling the same war.

keep your head up and don't let this incident ruin your progress.

if you need anything, vent, whatever, feel free to message me.

and don't forget to smile =)!

ugh thanks guys.

blah i still regret having it. i should have just had what my parents made. it drives me crazy! i hate this stupid feeling. it gets me so upset and angry i just dont know what to do with myself. and now i just cant stop thinking about it. its the next day and i just hope that what happend last night doesnt effect me today. ugh i just hate food so much right now for causing all this stress on me. i hate having to think about calories and fat and everything. and im still panicing over what happend last night. what should i do? how can i calm down? :(

ugh now im stuck crying again.

OK, I hope this doesn't sound insensitive or uncaring, but honestly, it's OK to each just about anything, as long as it's eaten in moderation.   The really cool thing about the calorie count website is that you can calculate how much of any food you can eat to stay within your goals.  I feel like it removes the stress and drama of watching what we eat.  I've found it really helps me control my portions, understand which foods I can splurge on, and which I have to avoid for the rest of that day.  Instead of panicing, you might have been able to sit down at the calorie counter and quickly figure out which of the items your mom was serving you could indulge in and which you needed to avoid to stay within your goal.  The under lying problem is that we have way too much food available to us.  So we have to make wise choices.  Calorie tools such as this one can help us do that, calmly and wisely. 

Meesh - are you seeing a mental health professional?

no , u?

Yes. I think you could really benefit from seeing one. You know that ultimately this isn't about food. I think this is something you need help with hon.