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Why do I have such issues with food? /rant/

I so wish I was more like all my friends...like a normal 16 year old who didn't realyl care about food.

I'm not overweight- my BMI is about healthy and  as I have 2 horses, I do a fair bit of exercise. However I HATE the way I look. Over the summer I weighed 15 pounds less (still a healthy BMI) and was so much more confident. However, I have an eating disorder and when I started school in september it got really bad (dealng with A-level pressures and my relationship with my mum was really bad at the time) and I was binging and purging 3 - 5 times a day. This ended up in me gaining it back.

So I decided to lose it again, the way I did this time last year. Eating 2000 calories a day along with my usual exercise of horses. That slowly led to me being 15 pounds lighter and maintaining until my bulimia got out of control. (It didn't start in September, its been going on for as long as I can remember really but at most a couple of times a week opposed to 3 - 5 times a day).

I managed to come to terms that I was actually ill and did see my doctor but despite being assured it was confidential, my mum found out about it so I was too scared to go back.

In November I sort of made a promise to myself to Stop it as it was starting to wreck my life - it started effecting the way I was interacting with people ect, so I started working really hard to eat healthily and stuff. It was okay but I ended up binging every few days, though USUALLY without purging. Only I ended up gaining a little bit more weight.

This freaked me out so at the beginning of the year I decided to go back on this diet. I started off well and have lost 3 pounds which is a good start.

But meanwhile, my binging and purging is starting to happen again. (Okay I know many of you will just think oh for gods sake, you managed to curb it in for a while, surely it can't be that hard but...I can't explain it apart from it feels like something out of my control)

I think..with the amount of exercise I do, and as I generally eat healthy, if only I could curb this...urge to eat like almost all the time - and I have no sense of stoppng if you know what I mean, like if I have a big bag of maltesers I can't eat some, I have to cram them all in even when I'm stuffed..probably coming from the ED.

Just wish so much I could be like my friends who don't care :( especailly as I'm not REALLY overweight...I just can't accept myself the way I am, I so need to lose these 15 pounds, I felt SO much better about myself then.

And now I've got no idea what calories I'm on as I just binged and purged so no idea how to eat for the rest of the day. Thats the other thing - I've been on and off diets since I was about 12, I just have no concept on how to eat when I'm not on a diet or counting calories so I end up stuffing myself or whatever.

I'm sorry guys

Please know we are happy to try to help.

First, it is not about food. Eating Disorders are, at their base, about self-esteem, anxiety, and control.

You need help, so find an adult you trust or at least can work with if you cannot bring yourself to turn to  your mom. She really, really loves you, however, and any misguided reaction she may have is out of her fear for you. She may need educating before she can really help you, however. What about your dad?

Trying to fight this on your own may leave many unresolved issues that will continuet to plague you, so please seek help. There are so many good support programs for EDs and they know a lot more now, so you can get help. You just have to bring yourself to ask--and you are probably someone for whom that is really, really difficult b/c you like to maintain control. Let go, ask for help, and you will be much, much happier your whole life. How can I know? Because I was you, once.

Good luck, and please stay in touch. Send me a message if you need xtra support!

Thanks..

My dad works abroad so thats not really any help.

I just don't know where to GO for help =/ I'm not close to any adults, I can't go back to the doctors cos they told my mum and I can't deal with this plus her shouting at me aboutr it..I know its just because shes worried but it doesn't make it any easier.

Thanks, I understand what you're saying

Original Post by ahrena_angel:

Thanks..

 

My dad works abroad so thats not really any help.

 

I just don't know where to GO for help =/ I'm not close to any adults, I can't go back to the doctors cos they told my mum and I can't deal with this plus her shouting at me aboutr it..I know its just because shes worried but it doesn't make it any easier.

 

Thanks, I understand what you're saying

 At this point your parents have to know what's going on because your condition is more serious than you realize.  You need immediate medical attention and you need to get into regular therapy with an eating disorder specialist.  More information will be posted later.

They shouldn't have told her though - I specifically asked if it was confidential and they said it was but she found out, so it wasnt =/

thanks though, will keep an eye on this thread. I..I think I'm ready to admit to having a problem and seriously at this point I just want it to stop so I can..gah I dunno.

I guess I'm pretty pleased I can actually type out now that I'm ill becuase I guess that means I'm beginning to understand it myself.

I am so sorry you are struggling so badly. We want to help you but you need to help yourself first.

You need to tell your parents about your struggles with bulemia and be completely honest and get help immediately.

Purging, even just once, can kill you. It can result in an electrolyte imbalance that will throw off your heart and cause cardiac arrest. You also put yourself at risk of tooth decay due to stomach acid eroding enamel, dehydration, amenorrhea - or loss of period, arrhythmias and scarring of your hands. It can also lead to the tearing of the esophagus, and the stomach.

There is a ton of useful information in the Eating Disorders Resource Thread, including hotlines and helplines and resources.

You need to realize that there is a limit to how much this website can help. You need to get yourself to a doctor as soon as you possibly can or else to talk to someone in person like a family member or otherwise. CC cannot help you on this matter if you actively continue to purge. Only a doctor can.

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