Any suggestions?

Hi guys, I feel silly asking people for comments, but you always have great suggestions, so maybe I'm just missing something!  I apologize in advance that this may get a little lengthy. 

Here's the deal, and I'll try to be concise!

I'm currently 21 years old, 5'4" and like 119-120 pounds.  About 5 years ago, I was the same height, but ~180 pounds.  I did the healthy weight-loss thing, until I got to around 125-130.  Then I discovered the concept of calories, decided less calories = less weight, and...well, you can probably guess what happened.  I'm also a big cardio fan, so i cut calories and upped the exercise.  Over the course of the next few years, i've had my ups and downs-- i'd realize I was being silly, try to be more normal, fail at that, fall back into old habits, etc.  My worst, I think, was 2 years ago.  19 years old, 103 pounds, and I was eating 700-800 calories a day plus an hour on the elliptical.  After that, I really realized what was going on, realized that I DID have a problem, and worked hard at recovery (I did eventually get diagnosed as ED-NOS...I was never underweight enough for anorexia).  However, recovery was completely on my own.  I gained some weight, then started slipping again and was at 108 about a year ago.

Then, I started gaining.  No huge differences, but I kept gaining weight.  I was, on the other hand, really focusing on being healthy, and  I definitely ate a lot.  I want to emphasize this; I am NOT having ED-related issues, any more.  I occasionally get annoyed, but I am past all that now.  I know what a horrible thing I did to my body, but it's been over a year since I've REALLY felt recovered, so I know i'm safely out of that.  Anyway, I finally stabalized around 118, by the end of last school year, over the summer stayed around there, maybe up a pound or so.  And here I am now.  I cannot for the life of me break 119, though!

I eat 1500-1600 calories a day.  I exercise 5 days a week, 50 minutes (400 calories; I have a heart rate monitor) each day, except once a week i'll do a little less.  My BMR is supposedly 1550.  I'm a vegetarian, and although my diet isn't perfect, it's not bad, either.  And yet, I can't go down at all.  My goal is 115.  I felt good, there.  I actually felt the best at 110, but I've accepted the fact that maybe that isn't the best for me.  I know my goal is only ~5 pounds away, but I'm just really confused!

After 5 years of dealing with calories, reading up on nutrition, educating myself, etc.... I feel ridiculous having to ask about this.  But am I missing something totally obvious?  I know lots of times, it's hard to look at yourself and asses a situation.  But I feel large, I don't like how it looks, and I'm stubborn.

A typical day for me, food wise, is something like this: 

Breakfast = 4 egg whites, 3/4 cup dry cereal, coffee.  (My big problem lately is right after breakfast.  I have a few extra minutes before rusing to class, so I pick at things.  Chips, cereal, etc.  The calories end up adding up, but I always account for them in my daily total.  I'm really working on not falling victim to this, though, because I'm usually not even really hungry)

Snacks/lunch/etc (I'm in college, so this just fits in whenever there's time) = protein bar, apple, string cheese, carrots, kashi cereal, fiber one cereal.

Dinner/after dinner = bowl of broccoli, some sort of fake meat, low-carb/high-protein tortilla, frozen banana, 100 calorie cookie pack.  (Again, I usually end up picking at things while I cook, so that adds a little)

Obviously, I'm also adding throughout the day small things, if need be.  The point, however, is that I generally stay ~1600 (although of course I have, every once in a while, a day where i'm over that).  I'm trying to hit 1500 every day, hoping maybe a slightly larger deficit will help.  When I exercise, my burn for the day is 1900; otherwise, it's 1550.

Anyway, this is getting really long.  I'm just getting frustrated.  It's been months, and all that's happened is that I've managed to creep UP a few pounds!  It would be one thing if I was eating whatever, and not thinking about my weight...but when i'm TRYING to do well, and TRYING to lose weight, it's sort of frustrating!

Any input is awesome.  Thanks, guys!

I can see the numbers on the scale are driving you nuts. Step away from the scale and learn that happiness is not a number. I'm exactly your weight and height and I feel and look awesome. You can drive yourself insane thinking you need to be thinner, it's a losing battle because once you get there you'll only want to lose 1 more. After losing and gaining those same pounds I'm sure you already know this. 

Well first off congratulations on dealing with your ED.  It sounds like you've done a lot of great work.  

Now, I hope I do not offend and realize you may not want to hear my advice but here's my unprofessional, layman advice.   I'm sure you already know this, but at 119 - 120 lbs you are already at a healthy weight.  Your body may be at a set point, the weight your body naturally tries to maintain.  In the Ask Mary section of the site there are questions about set points and one of the suggestions when dealing with set points is to basically take a break from dieting and focus on maintenance.   

I'm suggesting you take a break from weight loss for another reason.  It sounds like all through your teenage years you've struggled with your weight one way or another, and you've never really known what it's like to eat without worrying about weighing too little or too much.   Perhaps now that you are at a healthy weight it's and opportunity to learn that.  Not only will it give your body more time to heal, but also give yourself a mental break as well.   

Good luck

I guess you two are right, and that's been another big thing which I HAVE accepted a lot more...that my body might not WANT to be 108... The thing is, I don't know how to maintain any more.  And more importantly: I have been maintaining, when trying to LOSE!  Like you said, I don't know how to eat without worrying about weighint too little or too much-- but if I didn't, I'd be eating more and gaining more...  I don't know.

  I've never experienced an ED, but I can sympathize with the fear that eating more calories will lead to gaining weight uncontrollably.  However, these two thing don't necessarily go together.  Eating your maintenance number of calories won't lead to being overweight.  It'll lead to your  body having  the fuel and nutrition it needs to continue healing.  I think you realize that you need to learn to be happy with your body the way it is right now.  However, you won't be able to do that as long as you're focused on losing more weight.  Good luck

Since your 21, you would have been 115 when you were younger (still growing??)...so maybe 118-119 is better for your body now.  Your eating habits sound healthy so keep it up!

One thing though is the "little extras" you mention might be adding up more than you think...maybe increase the size of a few meals or make dedicated snacks to make sure you're not grabbing things...I find I eat more in the morning (BIG breakfast + 2 snacks before lunch) and less at lunch and in the afternoon--that's just what works for me...maybe experiment a bit.

Sounds like you work out a lot too so you're probably in good shape with a fair bit of muscle--probably best not to sacrifice good-looking muscle for a number on the scale :)

Thanks guys.

My biggest concern has been the keep-gaining-weight, thing.  Over the past year, for example, I've gained roughly 10 pounds... I certainly am not eating over, every day.  I havne't been changing anything.  And I feel like I keep "settling."  I gained a few pounds, finally decided 115 was an ok weight.  Gained a few more, took a long time to finally accept 118.  I was a 120 for awhile, and I just am tired of saying "oh, ok, well, now this is ok."  if there were a REASON for it, maybe; but as it is, I don't want to keep having to give in and say my weight is ok!  Especially when I'm usually in a calorie deficit (a very small deficit, but even so).  I just don't understand.  :-P

I will definitley try to be ok with eating more in the morning, and less later, etc... that's probably a really good point!  The only problem is, like I said, I'm a senior in college.  My days are crazy and not very regular.... I basically have breakfast in the morning, pack all my food until dinner, and eat it whenever I feel like it/have time.  I wish I could try to eat more "meals," and less "snacks," but that just isn't possible-- I don't have the money or the time (schedule!) to make a mid-day meal.

Those extras certainly are a problem, though.  Mostly because I have to estimate their calories, and I think sometimes, it might be more wishful thinking.  For instance, I ate a bunch of corn chips this morning.  In my mind, it was half a serving (I like the small little crunched up pieces...weird, I know...but that makes it hard to say "I had 5 chips"... it was like, well, how many chips would that make up?).

Ok, I'm rambling.  I appreciate your input, though, guys.  I know I'm at a perfectly "healthy" weight, though, it's more that I keep on pushing the "acceptable" weight higher and higher, and it's out of my control.