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suicide

I haven't really been talking about my eating habits on here lately. For the past 3 weeks, I've been binging in one long rampage. About 4-6 times a week. However, for the past 2 weeks I dont even think it has been considered a binge, because I am fully aware of what I'm doing while I'm doing it. I just don't want to stop, because I love the food and eating, and stopping would take effort that I'm just too lazy to give. Every morning when I wake up I tell myself that that day will be different, but then the moment comes when I want the food and I just eat it. I dont even care. Surprisingly I haven't shed many tears over this, but I'm not sure why.

I'm such a lazy fatass. My grades have dipped; I have a 72 in math. I'm so selfish. I'm so fat.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just weren't here. If I took the gun my dad left when he moved out Wendsday and just ended it. I posted something similar to this a couple of weeks ago in my journal, but things have gotten even worse since then. God, I must be 116 pounds by now. And I can't cry, because my **** sisters are here.

I hate myself and what I've become. My mom used to praise me for being so in shape and healthy, but I don't even have that anymore.

Sounds like you need to talk to a real live person about this stat. We'd love to help you in here if it were that easy. So please go talk to a friend or a friend of your parent's or schools counselor or some live person!

I agree, I think  you should discuss this with your counselor.

And don't be so hard on yourself. ;)

People telling me 'don't be so hard on yourself' is what got me into this hole, because it gave me an excuse to eat. That, and my own lack of self disipline.

It is impossible for me to talk to someone; my mom will just push me away because she's tired of me, and disgusted with me. My sisters don't understand. My school doesn't supply councilors, and my therapist session isn't till next thursday at 6, and it's only about 45 minutes long.

I'm not even sure what I want to hear in this thread. I guess it's just a rant, sorry.

Has your mom actually specified why she is upset with you? You may think that she is upset because of your appearance, but she may be upset that you are unhappy. Please talk to her and discuss this with her, as it may be a big misunderstanding. Or, she may not know what is going on and is upset that you are not letting her in.

Find a way to improve yourself by first finding what makes you happy. Do you like hanging out with friends? Playing sports? Drawing/painting? Writing? Pick up a new hobby that will both boost your confidence and distract you from food. You are such a smart girl, I know you are worth far more than you give yourself credit for.

im sorry that youre going through such a rough time right now.  i really think you should takl to someone, as these thoughts are very scary and unhealthy.  i can sympathize with you though, as ive had many moments where i believed i had hit rock bottom.  days when you just dont want to get out of bed, even be in your own skin.  theres just no where to turn..but you get through it..as hard as it maybe.  i know, ive really been there..still get there sometimes.  i know they are just words, but you can get through this.  its just one day and will get better.  it may not seem so now, but it will. 

its funny because i would tell myself the same things you are telling yourself...that your fat and lazy..whatever..but its ed saying those things, not you.  and you shouldnt let yourself believe that.  your better than ed, so dont let him win!  (these are words my hubby tells me when i express these feelings)  i know this may not help you, but hang in there..and cry if you need to..it helps to have a good cry once in a while.

im gonna say a few things that are gonna sound harsh n they aren ment to beat u up but they are expected to kick u a kick up the arse.

116lbs...... you are contemplating suicide bcoz u are 116lbs??  be realistic and serious here now? do you think this is something that you want to end your life because of ? bcoz your not extraordinary in your bodysize?

72% in math?? again do you think that life is worth ending for an average grade? because its not an "extraordinary" grade?

thirdly: do you think its fair to come and announce on an annonymous forum that you are thinking seriously about ending your life? wher none of us know you, none of us can contact you or help for you? don think that that might be  little be manipulative??

your not bingeing, but you know wat it sounds like? sounds like your body is sayn " shagg off to ur mind bcoz it is putting stupid and unatttainable goals on it ALL the time". the only person exerting these overly high standards on them is you. mayb ur mum has other things on her mind (like your sisters?). u dont need to constantly be in a state of achievment and perfection to stay out of a suicidal mentality.

i think you should talk to someone who is in a position to ensure your safety. and have a serious think about the above. im not giving out coz i am in exactly the same situation. i was 14% bodyfat, elite running, top of my class and the best doctor and if i cant have it all to the standard that i can push myself to (regardless of the consequence then life aint worth living....)

so b4 u lash out at me, look inward

seek professional help, young one. A counselor, a therapist, a suicide hotline. Please seek help.

I apologize then, I did not mean it that way.

{{ hug }}
I think your family might listen if they knew how seriously down you are.

It may not feel like it now, but someday you'll feel better.

The fact that you have a planand a means (the gun) really worries me.  PLEASE go call or talk to someone.  Even if its a suicide hotline PLEASE, I'm beggin you to reach out and talk to someone.

I read your profile and it says you love life!

Honey, Talk to some one. Some one in your family,a teacher, a minister. You have alot going on right now and you need to get some help. Look in the phone book and call a self help group.

I went thru some real hard times when I was raped. I felt very much alone and very, very sad. I joined a group that went thru the same thing I did. Together we helped each other get thru the bad times.

Just remember there are people who love you and care about what happens to you!  HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!! 

I second the above poster in #10.  Call a hotline, call your counselor, call your minister, call someone you can talk to....please.

And I would like to point out that at 116 lbs at your height you are still considered underweight - so please don't think of yourself as fat.

With depression, concentration suffers and that would be why your grades are slipping it has nothing to do with being lazy.

Just please try to remember it is the depression speaking and not truly who you are.

*hugs*

Very few parents have any kind of education or training that would help them deal with a child who has any kind of mental or physical difficulty. My brother progressed from a mild depression to a serious mental illness to the point it was completely unmanageable because my parents were too afraid, intimidated, uneducated, etc. to get the proper help. It was an awful situation.

I went through some seriously troubled times as a teen and into adulthood partly from being exposed to this. Whenever I was seriously troubled my mother would become upset and say things to me like, "Don't be that way", "Why do you have to cause me problems", "Can't you see I have enough problems without you acting up". I internalized these messages as her not caring about me or her being mad at me, when the truth of the matter was she didn't know what to do or where to turn and had no clue how to help. She was trying to avoid dealing with me and my problems because she truly didn't know what to do or what to say or how to make it better.

Your mother could just be a sh1t or she could be going through something similar to my mother. I believe a whopping majority of mothers truly love and care for their children. Many don't know how or when to get help for children are having mental difficulties. They can readily act on any physical difficulties because it is more black and white and even if it's awful like cancer, it doesn't carry the stigma of a mental difficulty.

Call someone, anyone. Call a suicide hotline. I think you know that suicide is not the answer to any of your problems.

I am sending you some healing energy and love.

You have every right to feel how you feel. Every right.

You're brave for posting on here, I'm 26 and have a hard time talking (even on here) about some of my issues.

If you don't think you are ready to talk to someone "real", then please make us a promise that you will at least continue to post on here daily until you are either ready, or start to feel better.

 

Like it or not, babe, you've now got a whole lot of new people that care about you.

 

I'm one of them. As for the "binging", its ok. In the end, it's all ok. You have too much to be greatful for to beat yourself up about some food you ate. I understand the guilt, but really, really, I promise, it's ok.

Stay strong.

swimchick_123:  Suicide is not the answer.  As long as you're breathing everything in your life can be changed for the better.  You can get to a healthy weight and be physically fit.  You can get your grades up or retake a class if necessary.  Your interactions with your mom can become positive again.  Please send me a PM if you need to vent or talk.

Suicide is an extremely serious issue - it's frightening and traumatic for anyone who has a friend or loved one involved with it or with suicide attempts

If you have suicidal thoughts, the most important step you can take is to talk to someone about it - either a medical professional or a trusted person in your family, school or organization.

If you don't know who to talk to, please call 1-800-784-2433.

This post is being locked and we strongly encourage anyone who needs help to seek it from an appropriate professional.

Sara

Volunteer Moderator