super stressed out...

I would love to hear someone else's opinion besides the people I work with and family or friends.

I have a couple of problems that are really stressing me out...

Okay, me and my fiance have been together for a little over 3 years and have lived with each other for most of our relationship. We have been together since we were 16 (young I know). We haven't had the smoothest relationship but recently its getting to the point were I can't handle it.

I have tried several times to sit down and talk to him and try to figure out what is going on. I have such a strong feeling that he is cheating on me but he always tells me that he is not and some weeks he wouldn't really have the time to, so I think unless he is gone while I'm at work.

I don't even know where to begin I am so flustered.

We have been arguing a lot lately and he is not very mature when it comes to talking about problems. So of course that pisses me off, I just want to be listened to. He is currently living with his mother and has been for the past week  because we agreed that we need some time away from each other. He has been so rude to me lately, and I already have depression and anxiety. I had a vivid dream this morning of him cheating on me and I tried calling him when I woke up and his phone rang three times and went to voice mail. So I started to freak out. I just sat there crying. I fell as though he doesn't care about me the way he used to. I have gained aboout 50 pounds since we got together and in june 08 I had a miscarriage. I am so overwhelmed with bills, him, my weight and so many other things

I have no idea where this is really going and I would love to vent.

I appoligize if this post doesn't make sense.

hey girl,

life is too short to not be happy, and you are so young! I know I am only a couple of years older than you (I'm 21), but my experiences with relationships has taught me that if you aren't happy, you need to make the necessary changes that will MAKE you happy.  You can't be attached to someone if it hurts you to be, even if you love them. 

I'm not saying that I think you should break up with your boyfriend, that is your own decision to make completely.  However, I do think it would be a mistake for you too keep fighting through this relationship if you aren't 100% sure that this guy is the one who is going to ultimately make and keep you happy.  And I repeat, you are so young!  You may not think so, but your preferences and values may change drastically over the next few years -you might end up wanting someone completely different.  So to spend these precious young years stressed out and frustrated over a guy who isn't taking you seriously is a great tragedy. 

I was with my last boyfriend for over 3 years, we started dating in high school and kept it going until our sophomore year of college.  It was not an easy relationship, I wasn't happy, but I was soooo in love with this boy.  So in love that I couldn't see that he was completely wrong for me, and that he didn't care about me the way I deserved to be cared about.  But I fought and fought and dragged it out and ended up really hurting myself and him with a painful and messy breakup. 

I'm not sure exactly what my advice to you is, haha but from one  young woman to another, sometimes you've gotta step back and do what is good for YOU, without thinking about the guy.  If that means giving it one more shot, great.  If it doesn't, you'll be okay.  But it has to be about YOU.  You've got to be honest with yourself, always.  That's the surest way to keep the hurts to a minimum. 

If you aren't happy then you aren't happy.  You can't wait for happiness to come to you, sometimes you've got to actively seek it.  And sometimes that means a hard decision.

Girl you need to enjoy life. Your are too young to be stressed like that.

I was in an awful relationship from the time I was 19-23. I wish I would have spent those 4 years being with friends and family and just enjoying my youth.

 I know ,I know this is the oldest saying in the book:If you love someone let them go...bla bla bla. That's why its an old saying B/C it's true.Live life for yourself first.

If you have that gut feeling you are probably right. Woman's intuition.

Good luck. Stay strong!

Thats what kind of makes it confusing, is that I made if very clear to him that he is not obligated in any way to stay with me. I understand we had a kid together, but sadly enough our baby is not here. I have given him every opportunity to leave and not deal with any of this but for some reason he always comes back. I'm not really sure why, he says its because he loves but sometimes his actions would say otherwise.

He doesnt really help around the house, he hardly helps me with bills but then he complains when I ask him to clean up while I'm at work. He complains about the "rules" of the house. I don't really see them as rules, I think Hmmm I'm  not doing any thing, shes at work to pay OUR bills, maybe I should clean up a bit considering I'm the one that made the mess.

I don't know, maybe I'm over reacting or something, but I honestly feel that its past the point of overreacting. I am just so fed up with everything I would love to just throw a tantrum, however that would not help and would probably be counter productive. I just feel like screaming SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE EVERYTHING HANDED TO YOU AND YOU STILL F$#$ING COMPLAIN. JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH AND STOP DRAGGING THIS OUT OR AT LEAST STOP COMING BACK.

You are also not obligated in any way to stay with him.  This does not have to be his decision.  YOU CAN WALK AWAY TOO.  And perhaps you should.  It sounds like he is majorly taking you for granted.  But (and I'll say it again) you are young and you have a responsibility to yourself.  Betsybz is completely right, you should be  spending your time with friends and family being happy.  It may seem like a scary step to take, but it will get better. 

Just to make sure this point is clear.  IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THE GUY WHO WALKS AWAY. If you are unhappy, YOU can leave too.

I have asked him to leave. And I understand its my fault for allowing him to return. I just don't understand if his thoughts and feelings are so evident why does he come back and act like nothing is wrong.

I can still see every once in a while that he loves me but it is usually smothered away by fighting shortly after, usually ending up being my fault.

He is hot and grumpy, and its my fault he woke up late.

He breaks something on his car, he yells at me for something he left in the walk way.

I'm am starting to ask myself what am I holding on to

Original Post by missdaizie:

Thats what kind of makes it confusing, is that I made if very clear to him that he is not obligated in any way to stay with me. I understand we had a kid together, but sadly enough our baby is not here. I have given him every opportunity to leave and not deal with any of this but for some reason he always comes back. I'm not really sure why, he says its because he loves but sometimes his actions would say otherwise.

He doesnt really help around the house, he hardly helps me with bills but then he complains when I ask him to clean up while I'm at work. He complains about the "rules" of the house. I don't really see them as rules, I think Hmmm I'm  not doing any thing, shes at work to pay OUR bills, maybe I should clean up a bit considering I'm the one that made the mess.

I don't know, maybe I'm over reacting or something, but I honestly feel that its past the point of overreacting. I am just so fed up with everything I would love to just throw a tantrum, however that would not help and would probably be counter productive. I just feel like screaming SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE EVERYTHING HANDED TO YOU AND YOU STILL F$#$ING COMPLAIN. JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH AND STOP DRAGGING THIS OUT OR AT LEAST STOP COMING BACK.

 

I frankly think you just stated why he doesn't leave you.  No offense, he might really love you, but you also do everything for him.  You work, he doesn't, and you pay for his stuff.  You clean up after him when he doesn't clean up after himself.  You sound more like his mother than his girlfriend.  What guy wouldn't want a girl to do everything for him so that he can sit on his lazy butt all day long and do nothing?  No wonder he isn't leaving. 

Also, why don't you walk away?  Why does it have to be him?  This isn't only his decision to make...it is yours too. 

It doesn't sound to me like you are overreacting.  I'd more likley think you're underreacting, as in you should seriously consider leaving this relationship.  Everyone deserves a mate who will be a partner--a teammate, not a burden!  Life is hard enough as it is (especially growing up!), and you have enough to be responsible for.  Cut the dead weight and put your energy into your own life.  If he won't at least be responsible for himself and respect you, that's not a guy you wanna be with anyway.  Now if he did a complete 180 it would be a different story, but that is up to him, and you can't make him change.

Original Post by missdaizie:

Thats what kind of makes it confusing, is that I made if very clear to him that he is not obligated in any way to stay with me. I understand we had a kid together, but sadly enough our baby is not here. I have given him every opportunity to leave and not deal with any of this but for some reason he always comes back. I'm not really sure why, he says its because he loves but sometimes his actions would say otherwise.

He doesnt really help around the house, he hardly helps me with bills but then he complains when I ask him to clean up while I'm at work. He complains about the "rules" of the house. I don't really see them as rules, I think Hmmm I'm  not doing any thing, shes at work to pay OUR bills, maybe I should clean up a bit considering I'm the one that made the mess.

I don't know, maybe I'm over reacting or something, but I honestly feel that its past the point of overreacting. I am just so fed up with everything I would love to just throw a tantrum, however that would not help and would probably be counter productive. I just feel like screaming SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE EVERYTHING HANDED TO YOU AND YOU STILL F$#$ING COMPLAIN. JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH AND STOP DRAGGING THIS OUT OR AT LEAST STOP COMING BACK.

 

you're engaged to this boy? can you seriously see yourself spending the rest of your life living with like that? ..talk about a recipe for a disaster. just begin filtering the money into psychiatric help and therapy now if you stay with that boy.

sorry.. i'm super bitter about low-life boys taking advantage of the girls they're in relationships with.

if you stay with him, he will kill you. maybe not literally, but figuratively. your spirit will eventually be crushed.

Hello Miss Daisy..

Oh my I feel your pain...  I have a " whatever you want to call him" of 5 years..  I love him with all my heart and I have recently suspected the cheating thing as well.  I found some proof and I still get the deny all.  I have been soo torn and its been really making me completely stressed, depressed and I myself am completely miserable.  I have had numerous dreams of him cheating but sometimes I think it is the anxiety...So what is the right choice.  Stay and try to work through it or leave...  Im not strong enough yet to really do either...

 When you are in a relationship for a long time sometimes things get boring for both parties... I would try spicing it up... Be creative.. try to change the norm a little see if that makes him react differently...  I know its hard but people have always told me give him his space. dont call, let him call you and OH MAN am I terrible at that...  I want to talk and yell and scream and cry because at least it gets out but most men they arent like woman and things dont effect them the same way...  If you can and are strong enough...  Stop calling him, let him call you and if you wnat to try to pull it together and spice it up maybe take a weekend to getaway try something different...  Ive learned the hard way dont accuse until you know the truth... 

Hope this helps at least a little bit....

What advice would you give your best friend if she were in a similar situation?

I don't think it's a matter of "spicing it up" and being "creative".  It seems to me that he's a spoiled child who has been living the good life. 

Cheating suspicions aside, why are you working to pay the bills while he sits around all day?

Hi Daisy,

I know where you're coming from, and I think some time apart was a very good idea.  Now that he's out of the house/apartment, try to imagine your life without him.  What would be different?  How much of your energy could go to improving your own self-image and defusing stress instead of trying to make him happy?  How much of his energy could go to doing things for himself instead of being depressed and irritated?  I think a trial separation might be a good idea.  You are both making each other miserable, and you're too angry to talk about it right now.  I would say to take a couple of months and focus on yourself: join a gym, take a neat class, join a hiking group or a knitting group or whatever, get some other social contact. 

When I was in a similar situation, we ended up deciding to stay together in the end, and things really did improve.  Sometimes it takes a jolt to change the patterns of a relationship.  Sometimes that jolt ends the relationship.  You won't know until you try!

you can't make people change, he's so used to things being done for him and he's always going to be that way until you walk away (at which point, if what you say is true, he'll probably just go back to mommy). and you're far too young to be "stuck" in this situation.  sure it could get better, but can you imagine dealing with this for the rest of your life? get out and get on with your life.. you deserve better!

Original Post by erinread:

 

When I was in a similar situation, we ended up deciding to stay together in the end, and things really did improve.  Sometimes it takes a jolt to change the patterns of a relationship.  Sometimes that jolt ends the relationship.  You won't know until you try!

Yes!  If you think about it, you can either leave or stay.  If you stay, things will stay the same or get worse.  If you leave, things will either get better or you'll still be unhappy.  Your 're unhappy now anyway, so what do you have to lose really? 

This sounds too much like my situation.  Except mine DID cheat on me, twice, with two prostitutes.  I'd take him to therapy since he may not be too far gone yet if I were you.  Be really careful and if you're engaged, don't even think about a wedding until things are settled.

Original Post by katesorad:

This sounds too much like my situation.  Except mine DID cheat on me, twice, with two prostitutes.  I'd take him to therapy since he may not be too far gone yet if I were you.  Be really careful and if you're engaged, don't even think about a wedding until things are settled.

seriously? if you're taking him to therapy at the age of 19 (i believe that's the OP's age) and even before marriage - where do you think it'll be by the time they're 30..? 40..?

cut him loose..

Original Post by musicalfishmich:

Original Post by katesorad:

This sounds too much like my situation.  Except mine DID cheat on me, twice, with two prostitutes.  I'd take him to therapy since he may not be too far gone yet if I were you.  Be really careful and if you're engaged, don't even think about a wedding until things are settled.

seriously? if you're taking him to therapy at the age of 19 (i believe that's the OP's age) and even before marriage - where do you think it'll be by the time they're 30..? 40..?

cut him loose..

FOR REAL!  good call musicalfishmich ;)

Original Post by musicalfishmich:

seriously? if you're taking him to therapy at the age of 19 (i believe that's the OP's age) and even before marriage - where do you think it'll be by the time they're 30..? 40..?

cut him loose..

If he's treating her like crap, he DESERVES to sit in a therapist office, wait the 3 hours that they are late to their own appointment, and deal with a boring voice saying "Do you feel hopeless?" over and over and OVER again.  Maybe it'll knock some sense into him.  If not, then if she's 19, like me, she can move on and get going on her life!