No Support

Hi all,

As most of you know I'm in college and I'm doing alright. I have very very bad social and general anxiety (no insurance, nor is there one through the school, I tried). It took me 7 years after graduating high school to summon the courage to go to college, because my life was just going by and I was amounting to nothing.

Here is my problem. My family, knowing and seeing how I was since I was 13 years old does not support me. No one wants to help me get to school. All of my classes are designed around everyone else's time, which is fair enough as they are the ones giving me a ride. All of my classes next semester are in the morning, and before this semester is over I'm going to summon even more courage (you have no idea how hard this is) to ride the city bus home. Next semester my husband (he works all the way out in Massachusetts, school is in RI) won't be able to give me a ride/pick me up because they're all in the morning (10-12.30ish). My mother takes my brother and stepdad to work (they work in the same building) and then has the car, she can take me as she does nothing else all day. My stepfather does not like it that she has to give me rides/picks me up. She also does not like having to get up early in the morning (we'd have the leave the house at 9.30am). So I decided that I will take the bus home to relieve her of some of the work, but I still need someone to take me to school because the buses come too early and I'd be at the school 2.5 hours early. For most people, they could probably tolerate sitting around for 2.5 hours but my anxiety does not allow me to do this, and I don't want to go to class all messed up.

If instead of school, it was a job, they wouldn't have as big of an issue. It's like they don't think college is important because it's optional. I have had no help from them at all, my husband (because I'm a loser and can't work) is paying for everything and sometimes it's hard on us. But I have never asked them for help, all I wanted was a ride, I'd even pay for gas (they know this). But I can see next semester pissing my stepdad off and me not going to class (he doesn't care, trust me). My mother will also not drive in the snow, so I have that on my back as well. The bus stop is far away too, I'm afraid of my own shadow and I'm willing to walk alone and be on a bus of people I'm terrified of to get my education and I have no one who will go just a little bit to help me.

I'm just so upset, my wording probably doesn't even explain the situation correctly. It takes me all my strength in the morning to go school every single day and I feel like I am all alone. Sometimes I just wanna give up and just be a nobody, a leech, a loser.

I don't live far from the school or my parents, but neither are walking/walkable distance (no sidewalks, it's like a freeway).

If my other brother, who doesn't have a job, got a job with the same hours that I'm in class, they would be ok with it.

I thought parents were supposed to support their kids? Want them to be better, get better? Want them to succeed. I only hear "I'm getting too old for this.". So is every other parent I see sitting outside the school waiting to pick up their kids, but they're still there.

Do I sound needy? Am I being irrational? I don't feel like I am asking for too much but maybe I am?

Oh, I don't drive as I am mentally unstable and a danger to others on the road, cause I'd drive if I could (seriously...).

Dude, you're like.. 24. And married. They aren't obligated to support you anymore, seriously. Grow up.

While I don't think you have the right to get rides from your family, I don't think you're wrong in expecting some sort of support. I know my brother, who is 24 and perfectly fine taking the bus, expects rides from my parents whenever they can provide them. And nine times out of ten, they agree. You're parents aren't required to do anything for you past eighteen, but supportive parents will usually do all they can. I think you just need to honestly ask yourself, knowing them as well as you do, if you're expecting too much from them. :) Good luck, and good job on getting the courage to go to college!!

Maybe it's just that they do stuff for my brothers (23 and 20) with no fuss, but when I ask for anything ever (been like this my ENTIRE life) there is always a problem.

Obviously I can't paint the entire picture here for you guys to understand.

I don't have any way to get to school next semester. :/ I need them and I've never needed or asked them for anything before, but when I need them and they throw a fit (but it's ok for my brothers), I get upset.

Sorry, I'll "grow up".

Original Post by jackattack07:

Dude, you're like.. 24. And married. They aren't obligated to support you anymore, seriously. Grow up.

Sorry, I didn't realize that once I turned 18 I was abandoned, my bad.

Here's an idea...

The next time your there check the bulletin boards for Car-pool ads.  Perhaps someone lives farther away from the school then you, but your on their way or close enough, and with times being as they are they might be a little strapped on gas money and could use the extra help.   Ask the staff too about car-pooling they  may know of people as well.  At the very least they will know your plight and possibly be able to help you. 

If taking the bus home becomes no big deal for you then why not get to school the 2.5 hours early and use that time for homework/studying? It will give you something to focus on and hopefully control your anxiety during that time. 

Being a parent doesn't mean you have unwavering support for anything your children do for the rest of their lives. It doesn't mean a parent should go above and beyond for anything their child wants. It doesn't mean supporting financially them into adulthood and marriage. Being a parent means you should do whatever it takes so your child gets more out of life than you did.

Not to be a complete buzz kill here but, you need to seriously look at the cost you are going to spend getting a degree - how useful will this degree actually be? What kind of money will you realistically make? I don't know much of your personal life history, but you aren't working why? Anxiety issues? How is having a college education going to change your employment? With this job market, you need almost need a masters for anything and above all it must be a USEFUL degree, not some **** psychology bachelors degree.

About your parent issues: your mom is being a complete man influenced bitch about this. You are right to be angry and upset she isn't there for you. Yes, it is not your undying right to have your mother drive you, a married adult, around at your request - but she should want to if it will better your life. Unless she thinks you are just going to give up and/or fail - in which case, thanks mom.

It WAS her job when you were 13 to prepare you for life as an adult - that is the only thing a parent really must do.

Either way - you need to have a serious relationship conversation with her - or you can just resent her for the rest of her life.

Original Post by alibsam:

If taking the bus home becomes no big deal for you then why not get to school the 2.5 hours early and use that time for homework/studying? It will give you something to focus on and hopefully control your anxiety during that time. 

an excellent idea. my girl just started taking the bus this semester and does that. she is 20 and she had never ridden the city bus.

also what her and her roomies did (they all went together, doing it alone IS harder) was ride it on a day before classes started  just to get that particular fear of the unknown conquered, so maybe try that a time or two before classes actually start if you can swing it, that way you break down taking the bus to school on the first day of classes into two separate hurdles on two separate days.

aww bunny i would totally give you a ride if i could. your family is dysfunctional - rationality doesnt apply. and trying to rationalize their behavior in your own mind only saps ones strengths.

baby steps count. you aim yours towards that bus stop. you can do this.

((aya))

Original Post by kdh1221:

 With this job market, you need almost need a masters for anything and above all it must be a USEFUL degree, not some **** psychology bachelors degree.

That's cute. 

(((Aya)))

I wish I lived near you so I could give you a ride.

Do you think you and your husband could practice taking the bus together for a while so you can get used to it?  Is there something you could do for the hours before school, even walk part way if the walk gets better?

As for your mom, is she trying tough love?  Forcing you to deal with the bus and school?  I don't know what to recommend but I hope you find a way to get to school with the least amount of stress.  Please don't quit.

((cptbunny))

I thought the same as rosieblue when I first read your post- could be trying tough love to force you to deal with the bus.

I second taking the bus with someone for a while to get used to it and actually 2.5 hours early doesn't sound so bad- you could spend time in the library, studying, etc. :)

You CAN do it!

Original Post by cptbunny:

 when I ask for anything ever (been like this my ENTIRE life) there is always a problem.

Original Post by cptbunny:

I've never needed or asked them for anything before

Huh?

I'm not quite sure if I just missed this part of your post, or if it's background info that many people already know and I just don't, but have you tried getting some counseling for your anxiety issues?  It seems to me that until you start working on the central issue, you're just always going to be compromising what you need/want to do and relying on other people to help you handle everything.  You know, kinda like constantly treating the symptoms rather than the disease...

I'm just thinking that if you worked on those issues, maybe you could get to a point where riding the bus or being somewhere for a couple of hours wouldn't be as big of a deal.  If that happened, problem solved.  You know?

lilsammi23 brought up a great point. At every university I have researched they all offer free therapy (they are usually internships or students practicing, but it's still therapy!). I'm not sure if you're going to community college or university, but check your school website. If it's not on the website make some calls.

I also suggest taking the bus to get to school 2.5 hours earlier. There is always a place at school that you can sit and be alone. Also, because you have nothing else to do, you will actually want to do homework and study to fill up your time. You will do awesome at your classes! Or the car-pooling is a great idea, too.

I'm sorry your parents seem to be unfair. I don't want to start a new topic here, but I think parents may be tougher on their girls than their sons because they want them to grow up to be independent women. Trust me, I know how it feels. My parents bought my brother, his girlfriend, and their baby a house, but complain about buying me books for school. It's tough, but I know you have the strength to do this, and I know that you will be a better person for doing this! :)

I might have missed something, but maybe, in a weird f'ed up way they think they are helping you.  They know you have anxiety about taking the bus, so they give you no other option than to take the bus and deal with the issue.

Maybe they think that by forcing you to do things that your anxiety disorder will magically go away (instead of getting worse). 

I agree with lilsammi23, get some help and even medication to help the short term anxiety.  I know it made a world of difference in not only my little sister (who can now drive on the highway during the day, got her first job and can go out by herself to places like Target).

I definitely agree with the posters who suggested practicing riding the bus with your husband. Also, how about going to campus together and locating some areas where you can feel safe, so you can survive a 2.5 hour wait? I sometimes have a difficult time with both crowds and feeling too "exposed," so I like to find places that are quiet, hidden, and out of the way. I work on a college campus, and there are definitely parts of the library that are usually deserted, computer labs that don't get much traffic, and a few lounges that tend to be empty too.

Also, while your school may not offer health insurance, most schools do offer some sort of mental health care for their students. Contact the staff there to explore your options.

As to whether you sound needy, yes. Of course you are needy - you have an illness and need and deserve support. In an ideal world, your family would be able to give you that support. Unfortunately, your family sounds pretty disfunctional, so you will just need to figure out how to do it without them.

One word: xanax.

Bunny, it's not fair that your mom & stepdad help your brothers and make a fuss about helping you. It really isn't fair. There's not much you can do about that.

It's possible that your parents value your brothers more than you simply because they are male. This is true in many families, even if it is on a very small scale. It is also possible that they don't respect you, because you allow have allowed them to not respect you for a long time.

I understand why you want the support. It sucks not having any support. The reality is that you can't make your parents support you.

Please know that I support you from a distance and wish the best for you. Please take this opportunity to grow and become stronger. Be proud of every little step you take.

CPTBunny-

I think you should use the 2 1/2 hours to study at your college.  I know having an anxiety disorder makes this really hard for you, but I bet you could do it! 

((cptbunny))

Hi, i completley understand where you are coming from, i too suffer from anxiety. I was stuck at home for most of my teenage life, (am 23 now not much older hehe!) i wouldnt go to shops,school or even out without having a panic attack. I am currently getting counseling through my work( yeah managed to get job! Was HARD tho!) but still even now have problems getting buses,trains dealing with crowds etc. It took me 6 months before i could gather the courage to get the bus home! My partner tried the tough love approach with me, but it just made me feel worse. I dont think anyone really understands unless they have been there themselves. I am about to start studying again next year for my degree and to be honest im terrified.... school is my biggest fear! Good for you that you have started that path!! Voulenteering to put yourself in that situation and managing to go to the lessons....well your one up one me!:-) you should tell youself how well you have done till now, and i agree with the other posts about having someone ride the bus with you the day before (BIG help!).  Just remeber no one has the right to make you feel bad, and do as much as you think you can! to be honest you will probably suprise youself! Dont let family hold you back ( also completely get the fustrating points of  'if its ok for the others why not me'! ) . Good luck, and remember...this is YOUR life. One step a a time! :)