Support please, I just started Maudsley method!

Ok so a bit of history... I was first diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa at the age of 13. Prior to my disorder, I had been a small, but healthy "teen", about 5'3" and 97 lbs. However, I grew another inch during the onset of my illness, and my weight plummeted to a scary 70 lbs. At the time, I was hospitalized and nearly died, due to sever malnutrition complications associated with cardiac and electrolyte distrubances.

Once I was stabalized in the hosptial (8 days of bed rest), I began a Partial Hosptialization Program. The program gave me my meals, and I would tell my mom waht to give me for snacks. It was very hard, because I wasn't allowed to exercise (I'm a competitive Irish Dancer, as well as a Cross Country and Track Runner), but I gained up to a healthy (for me) weight range of 103-106 lbs., having gotten my first ever period at 100 lbs. My heart regained superb status at around 95 lbs.

That was three years ago. Unfortunatly, since then I have relapsed. I know that I'm not living properly, but I don't feel sick enough for treatment, which I KNOW IS ED DISTORTING MY THOUGTHS, but it provokes a great deal of anxiety.

Two weeks ago, I could feel myself slipping... getting compulsive with my dance and running. Granted, I was consuming 3300 calories a day to compensate, but the exercise was losing it's usual "euphoric effect" and I wasn't giving my body adequate rest time, which is much needed, since I preform at very high levels of intensity.

So I broke down one day after school and told my mom I was training too much, and that I wanted to give myself a break, but I couldn't. So my parents helped me to rest, and it's been almost two weeks without exercising, although I REALLY want to go back now!

I also admitted that I was having some ED thoughts, and that maybe I should go back into treatment for abit. Well to sum things up, the wheels are now rolling, and I begin Partial Hospitalization tommarow.

Now my weight right now is 95 lbs. It's scary, because I was 92 lbs. last week and with being in charge of my food, I gained three pounds!? I keep on asking what weight I have to get back to, because if I knew a number, I would just pile on the calories so I could get there. I wanted to get to 108 lbs. before this treatemtn ordeal, but now my parents are saying that that decision is "out of there hands". THERE MY PARENTS! I HATE HAVING DOCTORS THAT I JUST MET MAKE DECISIONS REGARDING MY LIFE!

Yesterday, we had a family counseling session. What a disaster. My parents were given complete control of my food. Prior to this decision, I was sedentarily eating 2500 calories a day. I know that I could have incorporated more fats, but now I have no say. I have to have what my family eats for dinner (we have VERY different taste preferences), and if I don't eat it, I can't do anything else.

I'm sorry for the long post, but I just want to vent my concerns.

1.) My mom has no clue what "balance" is in nutrition. She knows meat and dairy, along with butter. Granted, all good things, but how about some whole grains and PRODUCE?I pride myself in getting 9 servings of frutis and veggies a day.

2.) I'm scared of becoming constipated. My system gets blocked up really easy, unless I'm on a high fiber diet. Well, my diet is going to be (or has been so far) mainly fats, dairy, and protein.

3.) I don't want to gain too fast! I don't mind gaining weight at a steady pace (1-2 lbs. per week), but I already put on 3 lbs. in one week. Now that my mom is feeding me MORE food than I ate in the past week, I'll gain even faster! Ah!

4.) My target weight will be too high. I just want to be thin and healthy. That's how I was before I relapsed. Even since my relapse, my heart has been great, my periods normal, I'm in good health *mostly*, except for the ED's presence.

5.) My athletic performance will suffer from taking SO MUCH time off, and I'll lose my muslce.

Okay so if you read through all of that, THANK YOU SO MUCH! God bless you for surviving my rant. I'm so ashamed and scare, I've gotten violent with my family, and it's heart breaking. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. But I have to... something inside knows that better days lie ahead... Thank you again for listening.

OK!! so, to start with, well done for realising you have a disorder, and its great that you notice it in yourself and can get yourself treated. thats a positive which means (to a small degree) you are able allow others to control your ED.

with the food-  its prob a really good idea that your parents look over your eating. BUT gently put it to them (ie dont go in guns ablazing and say your knowledge of nutrition is pants! lol) that you want to make sure you get a fully balanced diet and ask for a nutritionist to perhaps set out some meal plans for you (and perhaps the whole family) it sounds like nutrition isnt so much your problem its more the over exericisng part. but let them control it for a while and give them the benefit of the doubt, they've been good to you so far :)

(which covers point 2 also lol)

3.) take a break from the scale for a while. make sure your not eating rubbish but healthy nutritious food and you will be fine. (i know this is like the mega part of the challenge but not obsessing will stress you out less and it will take time) it will go on fast especially in the first few weeks but it will slow down soon enough, to a rate you and your parents/doctor will be happy with.

4.) set a target for 105lbs. this is a mini goal. then once this is complete reasses the situation with your doctor and parents. if they agree you can maintain at this weight, your next mini goal will be to maintain for a month... and so on.

5.) your health is very important and yes, you will lose muscle but thats okay. you wont lose all of it and eventually when you are fully recovered you can introduce small amounts of exericse and build up your muscles again slowly. perhaps once recovered you could keep an exercise/thought journal, and set yourself a realistic, healthy exercise goal per day (ie 1-2 hours per day) and stick to it. that way hopefully you will be able to track your progress to recovery and if you do have lapses you will be able to see where your problems lie (ie is it mood related/bad day related etc etc)

i hope this helps and because i havent gone through this myself, i hope nothing iv said upsets or offends you :S please stay in touch and let me know how your doing

hey, okay i did maudsley back last year in augsust. how old are you by the way? so there going to feed you right? trust me it really isnt that bad , you just need to talk to your parents about what your comfortable with. my parents were taking me to dennys and giving me "grand slams" till i sat them down and schooled them on the importance of nutrition, daily intake of calories and hoe much more i was already consuming than the average teen. i also told them that i liked giving them the control, but if they can please respect my wishes and my body aswell. theres really not much you can do though. trust your parents .

heres a forum for maudsley parents and children.:

http://www.websitetoolbox.com/mb/laura