What can I do to support someone who's not ready for recovery?

I had an ED for a couple of months, and I had a blog on xanga. While having this blog, I met a bunch of ED fueled girls just like me. One of them I got particularly close to.

Well, I made a decision to stop that at the end of Julyish. I'm at the higher end of the healthy weight chart, so it's only the mental part of me that needed to recover. I announced this on my blog, and the particular one, who I will refer to as "A", said that how I handled myself and my decision to recover was inspiring and she wished she could do the same thing.

I gave her suggestions. I thought of every creative way to convince her to gain weight and try to step into recovery. She's 88lb. She's killing herself. She says she hates life, she feels empty, she doesn't feel like taking care of herself. The only reason she gained weight to 91 lb recently and has decided to never kill herself is because she knows a lot of people will be affected by it.

I cannot just ignore her. I offered her help, she says she's not ready for recovery. That's fine, I understand that a lot of times people have to hit rock bottom before they really decide to make that big step towards a more positive life. I know I did.

But I don't know what to do now. We're not friends, just strangers that used to have a common interest. I want to help her. I want to offer her an open ear, but I don't know what I can say to encourage her to be more positive in her life without seeming too pushy towards recovery. I don't know how to be positive around someone that's just not ready to breath it in 100%. I know if I'm just there for her for a long period of time, I can make a difference in her life. I just really really really want to help this girl.

She's all sorts of amazing, but she can't see it. I don't want her to die from an ED. I don't want her to die from suicide.

So what can I do? What can I say? How can I respond to "so.. I'm still starving myself.."? How can I bring positivity in her life?

I dont really know what you can say but I know the only reason I started to fight my Ed was because i had support from my mohter.

So maybe just always be there for her?

You should know better than anyone that unless someone really wants to change their behaviour there is nothing anyone can do or say to bring that moment forward.  It's touching that you want to help but sometimes people in a crisis situation get a kick out of pouring their heart out to a sympathetic stranger without having any intention of doing something positive about it.   Attention-seekers have many methods.

I would suggest that if you keep in contact you are consistent with your message.  And I'd also suggest you 'tell it straight' i.e. be kind but uncompromising with your advice.... resist the temptation to provide nothing more than online Kleenex.

And finally, don't be frightened to cut this person loose if you get nowhere.  You've worked hard to get your life back and some will suck the life out of you if you let them.

I agree with Jane, if she doesn't want help you can't do much except be a friend and hope she realises she needs help before its too late.  Its like any other disorder, the person with the disorder has to realise they have a problem and want help otherwise they will never recover.

i didnt read the other replies but to answer this question :What can I do to support someone who's not ready for recovery?

my answer is : walk away

Youch guys, I see your point.

If someone isn't ready to move forward with their lives, there's not a whole lot I can do to convince her otherwise...

But, is there any subtle ways of hinting towards self-esteem growth or self-recovery?

I mean, bluntly putting it makes someone in that position feel attacked, and victimized. That just makes them angry, and pushes them away from wanting to recover. Nothin' is worse then feeling that if they did start to consider recovery, they'd have to deal with a "I told you so" thing.

I know if she doesn't make ANY progress while I talk to her, then it would be for her and my own benefit to drop the communication because it's just a waste of time, but for now..? Don't you think just totally walking away is a bit too harsh right now? I mean she's made mucho progress in my eyes for coming forward and talking to me. I think she has potential to get better, I really do think so.

I don't really have any advice, but I'm in a similar situation.  I have a good friend who just re-entered out-patient care (just weekdays).  This is the 7th time she has entered either IP or OP.  In the past I have always had the impression that she wanted to recover, but now I know better.  Now I know why she likes to act as if she doesn't have an ED, and it is because she doesn't want to get better because she doesn't see anything wrong with who she is.  She has now made this abundantly clear.

I am finding it very difficult to support her at this point, whereas 3 days ago I was ready to be by her side through anything.  I am grateful that she cannot avoid getting treatment, but I wonder if it could possibly work with her being so stubborn.

I don't know what to do, but I am, like you, NOT willing to just walk away.