Supporting Friend with ED

I have a question about how best to be supportive to a friend who has an eating disorder.  It is quiet serious and has included an intensive 4 month hospital program and post-program bi-weekly therapy.

I, on the other hand, have been slowly trying to lose weight for the past 6 months.  When I started an office job I put on 15lbs and I wanted to get it under control before I gained too much as my family has a history of obesity and diabetes.  I tried to not discuss my diet and exercise with her.  But she confided in a mutual friend that my diet bothers her and makes her feel like she should be on a diet.  She told this friend that knowing that I am calorie counting makes her think she should also be restricting her diet.  I don’t want to make things worse for her, but I need to look after myself too. 

How can I be supportive and not make things worse for her?  If she asks me what I did last night and I went to the gym, should I lie?  If she asks me what I had for dinner, if it was salad or something that sounds like “diet food”, should I lie?  My strategy so far has been to avoid talking about it, but be honest when she asks.  Also, on occasions sometimes something just slips out (like when I discover a new recipe I like and when I tell her what I am cooking I mention it is low calorie.  I know this is not helping, I am trying to be better about not slipping-up) 

I have even made a point of being vague in things like facebook updates (for example the day I reached my goal I wanted to shout it to the world, but instead just made my status “Wheeeeee”)  But if our mutual friend say it is still affecting her, would lying be more supportive?

Note: I was going to post this on the weight gain forum but after reading the note on posting I thought this might be the right place. 

Any advice would be appreciated.

This is a tough one.  First off, you seem like a really good friend & a caring person for thinking about her feelings in all this.  Secondly, everyone is different - what works for me (I'm also recovering from an ED, was recently in the hospital) might not be the best thing for her).

For me, I'd want a friend to come talk to me about their concerns - "does it bother you when I [   ], what would you like me to do if [   ]?" And, my own answer would be that I need "diet talk" and weight-loss talk kept to a minimum - I don't want to hear about calorie counting in particular.  However, it's okay for me to hear that someone is going to the gym, and I understand that other people are losing weight, and that can be a healthy thing for them, even if it's not healthy for me. It's hard to hear - I'll explain why - but ultimately, I do understand that it's something that happens, and I don't want to be lied to. It's hard, but that's my issue, and I know I need to deal with it.

So - it is really, really frustrating for me when other people "get" to do things I'm not "allowed" to do - for example, other people can skip breakfast or have a granola bar, while I have to plan ahead and have a large, balanced breakfast. But I also know that other people aren't in the same situation I'm in, and other people CAN skip breakfast (maybe not the healthiest choice, but it won't have as severe repercussions as it would for me). 

And losing weight is kind of like the above. It's frustrating to me that other people get to lose weight, and I can't. It's not fair. I want to restrict my calories and lose weight toooooo. That's the eating disorder voice - not the healthy voice. I'm at around a 19 BMI and I KNOW I shouldn't lose weight, but the ED voice still wants to, so it's kind of hard to hear about other people who "get" too. Still, I understand that other people are in another circumstance, and I understand that it's the unhealthy part of me that is jealous of other peoples' diets, and that it's MY issue to process (with my therapist, or my ED group), and I am not going to impose it on others. I would - and do - ask my friends not to engage in diet talk around me, because that's a reasonable thing to ask, but I wouldn't ask my friends not to watch their eating around me or to lie, because that's unreasonable. And I would HATE to be lied to.

I know this is really long and a bit convoluted, I hope it makes at least a little sense. 

Thanks Appletwo.  That was really heartfelt and helpful.  I will re-double my efforts not to have slip-ups around her, but I did think lying would be wrong, its why I haven't been.  I just know every now and then I have slipped-up and my friend telling me it was affecting her really hit home.

My question about the gym is because over-exercising was one of her symptoms.  I am wondering if for her, talking about (or even mentioning) going to the gym is the same as diet talk?

Your point about "not getting to do things" makes sense and maybe something I have to be more aware of.  Like if we meet for dinner I now might mention that I had a busy day and was hungry because I missed my afternoon snack.  I didnt really consider that diet talk, I never thought of it from that perspective.  I will try not to do that anymore.

I guess that I would think about talking about going to the gym & skipping snacks similarly. It's probably going to bother her, but a lot of things in life are going to bother her, and she needs to deal with that. So, I wouldn't bring either of them up, but I wouldn't shy away from mentioning either (or lie!) if they come up. If she asks where you were, or something that requires the answer of you skipping a meal, you answer, "I was at the gym" or "I didn't eat enough for lunch today / I didn't have a snack this afternoon." Soomething straightforward. That might bring up some anxiety or jealousy for her, but those are her emotions to deal with.  People exercise. That's normal and healthy, and some part of her knows that.

Of course, it would be totally inappropriate to go on at length about how AWESOME and EMPOWERING the gym made you feel, or something like that (just like you wouldn't want to talk about a super-delicious-sugary-rich dessert in front of a diabetic), but I can tell from your question that you're much more sensitive to her, and wouldn't do that anyway.

But, I guess if there's no reason to mention it, you might as well save her the anxiety and just say, "I'm pretty hungry this evening" instead of mentioning that you underate earlier, or "I had a busy day yesterday" instead of specifically saying that you went to the gym. You can save the exercise talk for other people who are able to participate in exercise right now.

again, props to you for being such a considerate & supportive friend :)