Non-supportive friends and family members

Is anyone experiencing jealousy from friends or family members over your weight loss? If so, how is it affecting your relationships and your weight loss goals?

I have had 3 children and six abdominal surgeries in the past 4 years. I had lots of scar tissue and extra skin. I have always worked out but that skin and scar tissue would never go away. I recently had a tummy tuck. Do not be fooled. A tummy tuck is not weight loss. It is skin removal. I recently lost 20 pounds. So, along with my tuck and weight loss, I am feeling really good about myself. I have worked very hard. I have a hard time losing weight just like everyone else. Now, people close to me are making comments to me like, "Well, I would look good too if I had a tummy tuck." This is a misconception about a tummy tuck. Again, it is not weight loss. I have never been really heavy. Always stayed around the 143 range. (Not super thin, just healthy range.) I am back to that range now after weighing around 163. My goal is 130. (I am 5'6")  I have 3 girls and want to teach them body confidence. You don't have to be super skinny, just be a good person and be healthy and happy.

Here is what I am putting out there. Ladies, do you notice that the thinner you get, the more hostile other woman are to you? I notice that I get the up and down stare and then the dirty look. I absolutey HATE this. We should be supportive of each other. We don't know what each other has gone through. Also, I have several "friends" who keep making snide remarks regarding my weight loss. Example, we were with a group of people (men and woman) and this "friend" of mine (a woman) kept saying to the men, "hey guys, you don't like skinny woman do you? You like woman with meat on her right?" Yes, my friend is a bit overweight. I think she is beautiful and I tell her so all the time. I know she is jealous. I also know that I am not in charge of her, I am only in charge of myself. I am a very confident person and am happy in my own skin. I am just curious if any of you out there are experiencing anything similar in your relationships. Let's start a dialouge here. Let's be supportive of each other.

 

I totally agree with you.

I haven't lost enough weight yet for it to be a problem but I do know that my family is going to be supportive when I see them at Christmas (I live very far away).

Since you put the word 'friends' in quotes, you obviously know that these woman aren't your real friends. Real friends offer support or if they can't, they keep their mouth shut. It really doesn't matter if some guy at a party likes 'meat on the bones' or not. You shouldn't have to deal with anyone else's dissatification about their bodies. You've have enough on your plate dealing with your own. Walk away from them when they start with that kind of talk.

You have support here!

I think women of all shapes and sizes get comments like that. A girl I was friends with in middleschool used to convince people I was bulimic so that they wouldn't talk to me. It actually got around to the teachers and I had to eat my lunch in the nurse's office so she could watch me and make sure I ate and that I didn't leave to throw it all up. I think she did this because guys who were our friends, started wanting to be more and it wasn't with her (or me actually but she refused to believe that). Women are very jealous, and self concious, thats why if you ask them, most will say they get along better with men than other women. Try and stay confident and if these women really are your friends they wouldn't be trying to make you feel bad for trying to lead a healthier life.

I definitely have been through the exact same thing. Earlier this year I lost 20 pounds, and it actually resulted in a ruined friendship. She got angry at me because I wouldn't go to Burger King or McDonalds anymore, and stopped talking to me all together.

It sounds like the comments your friends (or "friends") are making are more about them than you.  We often assume that those we perceive as "beautiful people" don't feel criticism like those of us still in progress.

I would hazzard a guess and say that perhaps your slightly overweight friend was seeking positive reinforcement for herself rather than a means to outright make you feel bad.  It's likely she doesn't realize you're still sensitive to remarks like that. 

I totally agree with you. My sisters are extremely jealous of me because i'm lighter than them; one of them even physically abuses me because of it. (Partly.) I hate it, espeacially because I live with them so I have to deal with it every day.

I wouldn't say that jealousy has been something I've experienced, but I do know that it's harder to stay focused on my diet when many of my friends are men, don't need to watch their food/calorie intake, and don't understand that I *DO* need to watch it.  So if we go out to dinner they make fun of my salad, and the fact that I can't have three beers (though I wish I could!), or that I won't snack on chips while watching the game.  It's especially hard when my long-term significant other is 5'9", weighs probably 140 pounds (he's a male) and has been that skinny for his whole life -- and he eats like crazy.  So it's an entirely different mindset.  I must say, I'm more jealous of them than they are of me! :)

  

I am still 40 lbs from my goal but a friend of mine offered me some unhealthy food and I said no thanks and she snipped you and your diet.  I think people how are not eating healthy just feel guilty around people who are eating healthy.  I am sure your friend actually embaressed herself around the guys.  Most guys like girls who are confident with themselves.  Did your insurance cover the tummy tuck?  I want one when I get to my goal weight!

Julie : )

Unfortunately Julie, insurance didn't pay for the tuck. I sure wish it would had. 

Thanks for chiming in ladies. I do find that I choose to spend my time with friends and family members who are supportive of me. I am lucky that the supportive far outnumber the non-supportive. My husband has been an incredible source of support for me. I also have several girlfriends who have been wonderful. I also agree that if these so called "friends" are going to make me feel bad for losing weight, then they really aren't my friends. I have learned that. However, I think it is sad. Again, I think we woman should stick together to help each other. I don't care what anyone says, we are the stronger sex. We have the babies!!! We are the heart of the family. I am not trashing men, believe me. I love them, especially my husband. He takes very good care of all of us. He would be the first to agree with me. I am just saying that that we need to be bigger than ourselves and look at the world as a bigger place. I have a great idea. I think to unify we should all take a simple step today. While out and about today, take time to smile at other woman. If you see another woman and she is thinner or prettier than you, IT IS O.K!! Smile at her! Yes, I know not every woman is as sweet as the woman on these forums!  But, we will be doing sort of a "pay it forward, you go girl" thang for woman. We will be  better people. What do you say girls?

For me it's my boyfriend. He tries to be supportive but he doesn't always feel it - he's worried that I'll get fit and sick of him and his gourmand ways.

It is very hard when people bring up your body when it's none of their business, if it's because of weight or something else.

There are people who will take every opportunity to be petty. I used to work with a pair of women who were awful to me when I started losing weight. I like the kill them with kindness approach: compliment their hair, outfits, nails, whatever. ALL THE TIME. That distracts them for a little while, and who doesn't like attention?

Personally, it takes a big loss before I notice if friends or acquaintances have lost - I usually upset people by NOT bringing it up, because I don't notice it!

Oh, and I love your pay it forward idea. I'm gonna try it tomorrow! 

 

Right on Lava Lady! Let's pay it forward. I will start with you. I LOVE the picture of you. You are a beautiful woman! And, I mean that.

I love the idea of complimenting woman. We should complement each other. Look at all the money we spend on shoes? I can tell you, men don't notice our shoes!

I notice that certain woman in my life are not as comfortable doing the same. These woman are very comfortable in their negative zone. For example, if you say, "Hey, how are you today?" They will always say something like, "Oh...vertical." Or something similar. They feel a need to complain about anything. I am not comfortable in that space. I have found that being around negative people brings me down. Who needs it? Now that I am older, I get to choose who I spend time with. If we continue to compliment these negative people, will it help them to pull out of their negative zone? Thoughts?

You're right Lavalady. Losing weight, gaining weight, it is a personal experience. It really is our own business. We just need to be nice people, nice to each other, no matter what we weigh. That's all I'm sayin'. Why not.

I know what you mean. It seems as though my mom is totally against me trying to live a healthier life style; she seems to be a little upset when I turn down a cookie or a piece of candy; and she seems to frown upon the fact that i have found a new love for yogurt(and she hates it even more that i eat No fat yogurt!). It seems almost like she wants me to stay the same as I was; I was never fat. Just a little bit overweight, and now that im tyring to get in to shape for the rugby season, she just seems to look at me with a little less respect.

My friends are more suportive than my family members...but they do get jealous but are good about.  I get comments like "I'm happy for you but stop making me look bad."  I know that they really are happy for me, and a certain amount of jealousy is allowed--if I ever heard comments that were nasty or behind my back then I wouldn't consider that person was truly my friend. 

Now as for my family members, my sisters and mother get VERY jealous when I lose weight (I lost after each of my first two pregnancies but have yet to lose from the last which has seemed harder since I'm older than before!)  My mother even goes so far as to try to sabotage my healthy choices, they can say some pretty hurtful things.  I try to tell myself that I can't choose my family.  My husband isn't much better...he constantly wants to go out to eat or get pizza or fast food.  I also think that he is afraid that I may leave him if I get fit--which is silly since I didn't the previous two times that I lost.

I like the idea of having other women around to support me since I feel I may need some help this time...I haven't been able to take any off on my own this time around. 

 

 

Why do woman do that to each other? Really, I just don't understand it. Ladies, we need to be supportive of each other. I am so glad that you all are posting your thoughts here. I find that it really helps to write about your feelings and experiences. Yes, you have support here! I love this website. It has really helped me to be able to focus on my goals.

We have to remember that we are only responsible for ourselves. Nobody else is putting food in our mouths. Sure, people can try and make us feel guilty but we have the power to overcome their negativity. Just the other day, I was around a family member who was eating something bad. (But looked truly delicious!) I am trying to stay with my goals and I turned down the dessert. This person kept saying, "MMmmm...oh this is sooo good! Are you sure you don't won't a bite?" See, for me, a bite turns into two bites, then I end up eating the whole thing. So I said...again, "No thanks!" This is my chose. I know this person feels bad because they are overweight. But, I have to remember that this is THEIR issue. Not mine. I like what you said mcemi, "I can't choose my family." That is a phrase that I utter almost daily! Loosing weight after a pregnancy is so hard. (I have done it three times.) I agree, It gets harder each time as you get older. But, I know you can do it. Take your time. It will happen. 

Have a great day everyone and keep those thoughts coming. You are all doing a great job. We can do this together.

Original Post by cyndal:

Example, we were with a group of people (men and woman) and this "friend" of mine (a woman) kept saying to the men, "hey guys, you don't like skinny woman do you? You like woman with meat on her right?"

I'm not saying that being attractive to other men isn't nice, but if you're married, and your husband likes you for who you are, why in the world does it matter what other guys like?  Or even if you're not married, if a guy doesn't like you because you don't "have enough meat on your bones", well, why would you go out with him?

Yeah, I agree your friend is jealous, and sounds like she's trying to be more comfortable with her own appearance.

I've encountered a few people at work that say things, jokingly, like "Hey, you're making us look bad..." (Like I'm responsible for making sure they don't....), and I've encountered one lady who once said, pretty snidely as I walked into the meeting "Hey, it's little miss fitness."  I just ignore her.

People should be more supportive of each other - way to go with being comfortable in your own skin, and being healthy!

i have posted this elsewhere but anyho: when i lost a big amont of weight 10 yrs ago, one "friend" saidm scared: now she will be almost a competition to us.

so much for evil remarks

it is a bit late (discovered this thread only now) but i love the idea of paying back smiles!

My mom always makes the comment like this:

 

"That's great you have lost more weight.....you'll have to learn to keep it off."  as if I have no idea how to keep weight off.  It's her way of twisting the knife in my back.  She knows damn well I can keep weight off. 

Original Post by niktastic:

I definitely have been through the exact same thing. Earlier this year I lost 20 pounds, and it actually resulted in a ruined friendship. She got angry at me because I wouldn't go to Burger King or McDonalds anymore, and stopped talking to me all together.

 Bwaa ha haaa, are you serious?  That is the most rediculous thing I ever heard.  I don't want to be your friend anymore because you've lost weight and don't want to pig out at McNasty's.  haa ha aha haa!!!  Good riddance to that friend!!!! 

I think that the reason women are like that to each other is that it is just in your nature to be competitive.  I'm talking about on an animal instinct level here, so don't jump to any conclusions.  On the animal level, women have a biological imperative to procreate and as such they are competing for the best possible mate.  Since the pool of good mates is much smaller than the pool of all possible mates, this means that there will be competition, which leads them to present themselves in the best possible light and to put down the competition. 

In this respect men are much less discriminating than women in that men are dogs and will hump anything that stands still long enough.

Of course, I'm just an observer in this case.  A man on the outside looking in and as such my opinion probably doesn't count for much.

Now I think I'll go back to lurking and raise shields against all of the negative energy that will be directed my way for having the temerity to voice my humble opinion.