how am i supposed to respond without hurting his feelings?

My boyfriend is classified as obese. We have been dating for over a year, and I love him and think he is the sweetest guy around, but this bothers me a lot. He's very insecure about this, and my standard reply when he brings up his self-esteem issues is: "I'm not shallow, I love you no matter what." And it's true.. i love him no matter what, but i want him to be healthy. He is 20 years old, 5'6" or 5'7" and weighs 210lbs. He is obese, carries most of his weight in his stomach and is at risk for all kinds of health problems.

My question is, how do I bring this up? He is soo sensitive to this. His grandmother suggested buying him 40" waist pants instead of the 34" ones he has been squeezing himself into, and he flipped out. I think he is in denial. How do I tell him that I want him to lose weight and be healthy? It's gotten to the point where I have been having second thoughts about being with someone who cares so little for himself....

Maybe first try to get him to do some fun active things with you.  Ask him to go roller skating, or play volleyball, or go swimming with you.  Something like that.  Maybe he could get used to having fun and being active with you and that'll help him get healthier. 

Please, whatever you do, be sweet to him.  I was 250 lbs at 17 years old, and Im a 5'4 girl.  I dont know how old you are, but even at 16-17 years old a person is still too young to really know how to handle obesity.  Although childhood obesity is a huge problem, mentally, obesity is an adult problem, and it is so unbelievably overwhelming to be an obese child.   I doubt he really doesnt care about himself.   He is probably feeling so lost about what to do and is just hiding it as not caring.  Thats what i did.  My obesity was breaking my heart and I just didnt know what to do about it.   Im 20 years old now, and believe it or not, being 3 years older actually made a difference in how I could deal with the obesity.  I am much stronger and more mature now even though Im not that far from being 17 years old.   I have now lost 35 lbs which I couldnt do when I was 17.   Please be patient and dont give up on him.   He is going through something that no child should have to.

I have tried to give him sneaky little "lessons" about weightloss... ex: he was boasting how his drink was only 60 calories, and I said, "but there are 8 servings in that container! So the whole thing is 480 calories." He really is so uninformed about health and weightloss.. he skips breakfast and sometimes dinner... and doesn't want to listen to me telling him that it is only hindering his efforts. He is completely sednetary.. a videogame nerd :-P But he has excuse after excuse.. bad knee, asthma, sick, tired. I invite him to go on walks with me, ask to go on dates with some activity such as bowling or ice skating.. but nothing. I know I can't force him to do anything, but it bothers me so much.

Should I bring it up? If so, how do I do it delicately so he doesn't twist my words around and hear "you're fat, im not attracted to you, i don't love you" ?? Or should I just leave it and hope that in time he will realize his unhealthy ways?

Sometimes you have to accept people for how they are rather than for how you would like them to be.  Maybe he is just destine to be an obese couch potato.  The real question is, is this whoyou want to be with? Or would you rather be with someone who shares your values in regard to food and activities?  Maybe it's time to get out a pad of paper and start doing the old Pros and Cons of the relationship and decide if this realtionship is really going to make you happy.

Original Post by salmander23:

I have tried to give him sneaky little "lessons" about weightloss... ex: he was boasting how his drink was only 60 calories, and I said, "but there are 8 servings in that container! So the whole thing is 480 calories." He really is so uninformed about health and weightloss.. he skips breakfast and sometimes dinner... and doesn't want to listen to me telling him that it is only hindering his efforts. He is completely sednetary.. a videogame nerd :-P But he has excuse after excuse.. bad knee, asthma, sick, tired. I invite him to go on walks with me, ask to go on dates with some activity such as bowling or ice skating.. but nothing. I know I can't force him to do anything, but it bothers me so much.

Should I bring it up? If so, how do I do it delicately so he doesn't twist my words around and hear "you're fat, im not attracted to you, i don't love you" ?? Or should I just leave it and hope that in time he will realize his unhealthy ways?

don't try to be sneaky; that's like telling the he's dumb as well as fat. 

seems to me you have two choices: accept him and live with it or bring it up honestly (well, there's are more choices, but let's assume that you want to be with him).  if you're going to bring it up, don't use double-talk or euphemism.  just tell him you're worried about his health and you want him to start taking care of himself, so that he'll have a good quality of life for a long, long time.

he's going to hear what he wants to hear, and he probably will be offended, but the only thing that's in your control, here, is your behaviour.  if you are kind but honest, he'll have no basis for blaming you (doesn't mean he won't try) and you'll both know what you said and what you meant.

its really hard to tell you what to do.  i think pgeorgian and trhawley are right with what they said.  

the biggest thing that i hope you realize is that your boyfriend is probably hurting so much more than you know.  I know that I have always been very insecure due to my weight and the majority of the things that i avoided doing, were the things that i wanted to do most, but i was honestly too embarassed about my self to even try. 

I dont really know if there is anything that will actually make him change, because the change is probably going to have to start with him, but I would definately suggest that you do whatever you can to make him feel important.  When he tells you that he doesnt want to go out maybe tell him that you really love his company and have the most fun with him.  Dont bring up the weight issue but just bring up the fact that you really love experiencing life with him and thats why you want to do so many things with him.  That might encourage him to do more activities with you.

At the end of the day, its up to you whether or not he is still fitting into your life and making you happy.   I know that ive missed out on a lot of good people due to my insecurity, and although it sucks, i really cant blame them.   As an insecure person, i didnt exactly put out the best vibes into the world.   Im sorry i dont have a concrete suggestion or answer.

I am more inclined to focus on you since you're here and he's not. So I'm not padding this response with, "well let's think about him"s.

Firstly, there is no way your boyfriend doesn't know he's fat. He knows. That's why the self esteem problems.

Secondly, there is NOTHING wrong with wanting a partner that takes care of himself. It would be one thing if he was open about being overweight and trying to fix it, or battling an eating disorder, or whatever, but as far as you know, he's not, right? Then at this point it's a character flaw.

Tell him you need a partner who is with you on the journey, or not struggling from the same issues. If he decides to join you and work it it with you, awesome, if not, you could do better. Successful relationships require comprise and work. He needs to work with you on this issue for everyone's benefit.

Good luck and keep us updated!

Was he fat when you started dating him?  Just because you opt for change does not mean your partner will as well.  He is can only lose weight if he wants it...not if you want it for him!  

He's only 17.  Let him finish growing up (age 25), lots will change for him as he transitions from boy to man.

There's not going to be a way to broach the subject and not hurt his feelings.  As previously stated, he knows he's overweight.  All overweight people know they are.  I am obese, I have been obese for years and my feelings were hurt when anyone talked to me about it, regardless of how they approached it.  It's not an easy subject.  I'm not saying don't talk to him about it.  Definitely do, it's best to talk openly and honestly in a relationship.  You are in a relationship and have a right to be heard.  HE is going to have to be the person to make the choice to loose weight, there's no forcing it on him.  I don't know that avoiding the subject when he brings up the low self esteem is the answer either.  Putting a verbal band-aid on it is only temporary "I love you no matter what" may not really be addressing what is bothering him.  I'm sure the re-affirmation that you love him helps, but maybe try to ask him questions on why he is low, even if you know the answers.  Getting him to talk about it a little more may open his eyes a little and it may help you both in the long run.

I'm 17 and a was ten pounds less than he was a few months ago. What really made me take a look at myself and change was to notice the lack of relationships due to my low self-esteem just from being overweight.

Actually starting an excercise regiment showed me that it really was possible to get over what I was going through, and get physically healthy while doing it.