How do you survive a saboteur?

Hello everyone.

 

This is my first time posting on here so I guess I should introduce myself. I am a mother of four who needs to lose some weight. I have always been fortunate enough to lose my baby weight within a few weeks of having my kids but recently I was diagnosed with PCOS and my doctor feels that is part of the reason I have gained weight. I am trying to stick to my diet and be good but my husband deliberately tries to sabotage me. He knows that I have a weakness for anything cheesecake so he went to Costco this weekend and bought a whole box of Cheesecake Factory cheesecake slices and put them in the freezer right next to the Triple Chocolate Drumsticks he has been buying since I told him I was going on a diet.

 

I was looking at my food log today and I realize that the weekends when he brings home all the stuff I love and shouldn’t be eating is when I derail my diet. I have tried to explain to him that I am trying to lose weight but he refuses to listen because he thinks I am fine the way I am. I am frustrated because I am not losing weight for vanity (I’m 5’6 about 180 pounds). Even though most people tell me I don’t look like I weigh as much as I do I feel fat and frumpy.

 

I want to lose weight for my health because I want to be around and active for my kids (range from 12 to 1 years old). My question is how do you stay motivated when you have someone trying to ruin your efforts? Especially when that someone is the person you sleep beside every night? I don’t know what else to do. There is only so much temptation I can take before I give in.

While I am fortunate to have a hubby who is very supportive, I can definitely feel your pain. 

In a situation like yours, the most important factor is going to be WILL POWER!!  Ok, so he buys the goodies.  That doesn't mean you have to eat them.  That part is on you.  Some days it's harder than others to walk away from the food you love, but you know it's what you have to do.

Alternately, you work your calories around once a week to allow for a treat.  THEN and ONLY THEN, do you allow yourself to eat those things he's bought.

There is a LOT of support to be found on this site, and many, if not most of us, have had situations like yours.  We can get through it together!!

I have the perfect solution.  Go to Costco and buy yourself some fat free fudgsicles.  60 calories per bar and cures your craving for a sweet treat.  When you open the freezer, grab one of those instead of a 350+ calorie drumstick!

 

Hi - I've got a few questions:

Does he also enjoy the foods he is buying like cheesecake and ice cream? It may be that he just doesn't want you to impose your choices on his diet. If so, you may be able to find alternatives that work for you but also satisfy him, like fudgicles or pudding pops.

If, on the other hand, he is only buying them because you eat them to test or undermine you, then you might just want to put them in the trash and have an honest talk with him about his motives and support for you. After he sees that you are literally ready to just get rid of them altogether he might find it is better to be supportive than to throw money away like that.

I know first hand how hard it can be to share the house and refrigerator with a non-dieting husband (who is also the cook!) so I really hope you can work it out.

Good luck to you!

 

He doesn't enjoy drumsticks or cheesecake. Those are strictly my foods that I love. I haven't imposed my diet on him because I cook for the kids and i usually have something different for myses lf. I haven't put them all on this diet because none of them need to lose any weight.

I have already gone through the cabinets and given away the stuff that I don't eat. I think I'll take your advice and clean out the refrigerator tonight. My co-workers never turn down cheesecake.  Thanks for the advice.

 

Good idea about just giving it away.

I'd definitely have a talk with him about your health and why this is important to you (and ultimately to him if he wants you around longer). 

Is it possible he likes you physically a little better when you're heavier? Some women get softer, bigger boobs, etc. when they are a little overweight. I'm not saying this is good for you, but it could be the reason he is so obviously sabotaging you.

I'd have a serious talk with him about your health, rather than focusing on loosing weight, and ask him for reasons why he is being so unsupportive as to sabatoge you in the first place. Maybe he doesn't even realize what he's doing and how much it bothers you. He might just think, hey, she looks great now, why would I want her to diet? So he tries to "fix" it with foods he knows you love.

He may just need some time to adjust to your new lifestyle.  My hubby would always indulge with me, and even if I said I needed to loose weight, we would share sweet treats, and he would buy candy or whatever for me because he knew I liked it so much.  When I got serious about changing my eating habits, I think it took him awhile to realize I was serious.  He would sit there and "Yumm" over his ice cream, and offer me bites over and over, and finally I would just have to be very stern and say,"Stop offering it!! I DON'T WANT IT!!"  Now he is very supportive, and proud of me, and has even lost a few lbs. himself, just because of the lighter dinners.  Another possibility is that he sees you doing a good job, and he just wants to reward your efforts, you may let him know that you appreciate the sentiment, but if he wants congratulate your hard work he should buy you something non-food! Good luck, and stay strong.  If you are commited he will get it sooner or later!

Some men do like their women a certan size. My hubby would rather I weighed at least 10 lbs more.  So this could be the case. And some men just think it's funny - funny that you're trying to diet, funny that they can "make" you break your diet. Yeah, it's juvenile, but hey, so are some men.  Or they know you're not "really" serious - especially if you keep eating what he buys!

BUT ... when my hubby realized I was serious, he finally stopped buying things that I wouldn't eat (they would just sit in the fridge, pantry, etc. until he realized that I was not going to eat them ... and then he would throw them out himself).  However, it took a good talking-to to let him know that, if he brought it home, it was NOT going to get eaten, from this point forward, and I really meant it.  And that I'd rather spend that money on food that would get eaten and enjoyed.

If you cave in even once, it's like giving a dog a treat from the table one time - for the rest of their lives, they will believe "there is a chance!!!" and keep begging! :)

You know, my husband is the same way.  I understand that I can't expect him and my 6 year old to diet as well but do they need 5 different bags of potato chips?!  I'm not losing weight for vanity either.  I have a bad gallbladder and I can't eat fried or fatty foods.  He just doesn't seem to understand that.  MEN, GEEZ!!!!  The best advice I can give you is STICK WITH IT!  That cheesecake or chocolate drumstick are NOT worth it!  You will be so proud of yourself if you turn them down and it will motivate you.

 

GOOD LUCK!!

All good input already.  I'll add that some husbands are afraid of change.  It sounds like your DH has a wonderful wife and family--he may be afraid that some of the wonderfulness will go away if you change.  It seems contrary, but showing him extra love while he is undermining your goal may work well.  Also, he may be afraid of you being more attractive to other men.  Again, reassurance will go a long way.

I love the idea of taking the cheesecake to work.  I bet he stops buying them real fast!

Good luck.

I second that, mamarose, all very good input. I've also had friends whose men tried to sabotage their dieting efforts because they felt threatened - thought that if their lady lost weight and looked better, they'd lose them to another man. Sigh ... and they say that WE have insecurities! Anyway, I'd do like some of the other CC'ers here advised and 1) talk to him about the utter seriousness of your trying to lose weight and why, 2) throw away that stuff if it's too tempting AND it's not something he buys for himself as well, 3) give him extra attention, so he knows that you're not losing weight to become a hottie & leave him, make him feel extra loved, and 4) be proud of yourself for making the effort to be a healthier person!