tacky?

Okay, so my boyfriend and I have been together for awhile, and we know that we want to get married.  We've also went and shopped for engagement rings.  We know it'll happen, and the reason we're not engaged yet is because I'm still legally married.

I left my husband a year and a half ago, and the reason we're not divorced yet is because its so damn expensive.  I"m saving the money, and working a 2nd job just to pay for it.  I'm half way there, and once I file, my lawyer said it would only take about 3-4 months to be finalized.

so heres my question...   is it tacky to get engaged before your divorce is final?

Also, you're not going to hurt my feelings... I just want to know other peoples' opinions on this subject.  Thanks!  :)

EDIT:  UPDATE!   My boyfriend and I discussed it, and we've decided that the best thing to do is just wait.  I would hate to be engaged then out of nowhere the ex comes out of the woodwork, and wants to fight me in court.  That could be a lengthy process, so we'll just wait until its finalized.  We cant plan the wedding without a finalized divorce anyway.  thanks again for everyone's responses!  :) 

hmmm.  not sure if it's tacky....but it is odd.

I can understand though, due to the circumstances.

Do you have any children involved in this situation?  If you do, and there are custody issues, this situation might hurt your standing with the judge. 

Other than that, I personally wouldn't be comfortable with it, and you should probably expect some negative reactions.  That being said, do whatever works for you!  I got involved with my bf under circumstances that some may have thought were a little...tacky?...but couldn't be happier.

I wouldn't say it's tacky, I just wouldn't get too invested in a new marriage before your old one is finalized.  I don't see how your lawyer could give you a timeline of 3-4 months when he doesn't know if your husband is going to contest the divorce or the issues that come with it (property division, spousal maintenance, child issues, if any).  I can guarantee you if you have to go to trial it will take more than 3-4 months. 

My advice is to hold off buying the ring until you know you can pay for the divorce.  And if you didn't already, consult several different lawyers to make sure you've got the best one.

we do have 1 daughter, but its a long story, and my ex isnt even involved in her life (his choice).  I've explained everything to my lawyer, and shes pretty confident that everything will be okay.

I'm expecting some negative feedback.. but maybe this is what I want to hear.  I mean, its not like we can plan a wedding around my divorce...  I know this.   So, we'd have to wait to get married anyway.. he's just so anxious to put a ring on my finger... and honestly I am too.   I'm proud to be his girlfriend, and I cant wait to call him my husband. 

I looked for lawyers for about 8 months until I finally found one that I liked, and trusted. Shes wonderful.  The reason she gave me a time frame is because we cant find my ex anywhere.  He wont be served, basically it'll be me and my lawyer and a judge.   After I speak to the judge I have to put a publication in a newspaper, and my ex has 30 days to contact my lawyer, if he doesnt, then 60 days after that, I'm divorced.  Plain and simple.   There arent any assets, and no marital property.

well, your old marriage is obviously very much over, even if it might not be on paper. i think getting engaged is perfectly fine! you are just stating your commitment to marry your boyfriend in the future (in your case it just happens to be when you are legally able to in the future). the only thing that would be tacky would be  if your current guy didn't know about your situation. since it's sounds like that isn't the case, good luck to you and and your future hubby! 

I wouldn't say that it's tacky, but, I wouldn't go bragging about it (not that that's what you're doing!!!).  A lot of people would look down on something like that, that is their problem, but I would wait until you're legally divorced to bring it up to anyone who has any power (I.E. judges, etc).  Friends and family love you enough to understand your situation, but many who don't know you was well may judge you by that.  Hope that helps a little.

As long as you are going ahead with the engagment for the right reasons (you guys love each other and it is important show of commitment etc) and not to hurt someone else - like your ex..... I don't really see anything wrong with it.  If your ex has hard feelings about the relationship ending, I wouldn't because he may prolong the divorce proceedings out of spite.

I also got divorced without my ex being there.  He did show up at my lawyer's office to sign the marital separation agreement, and then all I had to do was go to a judge with my lawyer.  It was about 2 months, start to finish.  Now, 5 years later, I have no idea where he is.  No child support either though.

If you're looking for child support, better make sure you've got all the info you need.  Mine got messed up because the divorce papers didn't have his correct address, believe it or not.  I tried for 17 months to have to state force him to pay, and finally gave up.  I haven't received a single dime from him, ever.

Divorce is just a legal status.  Tacky does not come into play with legalities.  If you are worried about what other people will think then why are you already hooked up with another guy in the first place?  Engagement would be less tacky I would think to those who want to look at your life and judge you.

Why would you care what other people think if you are happy and not hurting anybody.  Let them talk all they want.  People who talk about others will do it even if they have to make something up to talk about.  Live your life and make your daughter happy and secure in your love for her.  Other than those things nothing else really matters anyhow.

According to Miss Manners, if you are currently married, you cannot be engaged. If you don't care for the norms of society, then you can be whatever the heck you want to be (engaged, divorced in your mind, whatever). If you want to be proper, then wait until after the divorce to become engaged.

tacky no as a matter of fact i was in a similiar situation...my ex refused to sign the divorce papers always lied to the judge and got it continued..in the state i was in you had to be seperated 6 mos before filing for divorce,,he would tell the judge oh we slept together (which didnt happen) and get it continued this went on for 2 years until he got another woman pregnant and finally let me go..i have been happily married for 5 and 1/2 years now.

so if you are in love and the old one is obviously over be happy for your engagement.

I think its a better idea to wait until the divorce is final.

Not only will you not have to worry about roadblocks in the divorce finale, but also you would have a more care free peace of mind and a fresh start to a new marriage. I know you both want to just be engaged already because you've decided you want to be together forever - but you could for now just have the mutual understanding between the two of you and wait to put the ring on.  

Once the divorce is final that is one major thing to cross of your list. After that point you can make your announcements and arrangements for the wedding.

It's always best to close one door before opening another one...Its great that you too are so committed that marriage is for both of you the next step...Congrats and a Happy Life together!

In order to avoid any messiness of any kind expected or unexpected end your previous marriage so you can fully embrace your new life with your soon to be fiance.

Not tacky at all! Just tying up loose ends.

One vote for Tacky...

Thatguy, What makes it tacky? or are you just agitating?

thank you SO MUCH for all the responses...  I appreciate everyones honesty and constructive critcism.    I told my bf in the beginning that he had to promise me that he wouldnt put a ring on my finger until I at least FILED for the divorce... he agreed.   So, I think we'll just wait, and once I file, if he feels the need to put a ring on my finger, and we'll just wait until its finalized, then so be it!  :)   

thanks again ladies!  :)

Well...I am probably a little square...I stopped dating a girl once because she had dated a guy that she knew was married...just not my thing.

Not agitating...just like short posts...

it just depends on the situation of the marriage...  I'm legally married.. .but its WAY OVER and has been for some time now.  I wouldve been divorced months ago if I could've afforded it.  The reason why I cant afford it...  the money has to be up front, and I'm saving.  I cant save alot at one time because I have to pay for everythign for my daughter by myself.  My bf has offered to help pay for the divorce, and I WILL NOT allow that.  THis is my mess... not his. 

PLUS if that girl knew he was married, and he was still living with his wife... then he was cheating on his wife, theres a HUGE difference there.  

I dont know what your financial situation is but do they have a legal aid in your area or neighborhood legal services? Where I live they do and since the divorce wasnt being contested by my husband it cost me a whopping $30.00. Seriously. Their are places to help you as long as you are not wealthy. They will go by your income. Look into it!