Taking the first step towards getting help/recovery - Help me do it

I feel like im in a tug-of-war with myself. I cant break these terrible thoughts and voices in my head that have consumed my life. I want to be free of this. Im 5'7" and currently 102lbs wanting to lose more. My highest weight was 141 about 6 months ago. In the begining I would dream of being 130, then 125, then 118, then it spiraled out of control. Ive cut my cals down to 600-700 cals a day. I do jazzercise 4 days a week, walk a mile other days, and every night bf bed i do about 20 mins of crunches. Im so sick of living this way, but yet im so scared of changing. My husband and family are begging me to get help, but like most of you probably were Im terrified. Part of me says to stop this, we have to change, the other part of me says no your not that bad, your fine, you dont need help, a doctor wouldnt see any reason for concern.

I guess what im wondering is how did all you ED recoverers take that first step
? wasnt it so hard? How did you do it? Im so scared. My moms begging me to make the appt with the doctor even if its a couple weeks from now. I tell myself im going to do it, but then of course i dont.

Please help me, I want some suggestions, help, anything, a push to do this.

Hi Samantha,

I think it is wonderful that you are taking the first steps of recovery by reaching out.  Please understand though that you are currently at an unhealthy weight and to lose any more would be extremely unhealthy. 

What kind of steps are you taking towards recovery?  Have you started increasing your calories? 

Your husband and family care about you and are concerned, with good reason.  I definitely think you should listen to your mom and make an appointment with your doctor as soon as possible.  The sooner the better. 

This is not something that you will be able to tackle alone, you will need the support from your family, friends, and more importantly professionals who have the experience in dealing with eating disorders.

In the meantime, please check out these websites:

• Something-Fishy.org (information and support for eating disorders)
• Eating Disorders Information and Resources thread
• Anorexia Nervosa - Pictures, Articles, Links and Resources

I wish you the best of luck.  We are here for you.

Take Care,

UTR
Volunteer Moderator

Rainbow - Thank you for the quick responce. The thing is, Ill get in these momments, moods where im like ok thats it i cant take this anymore, i need to change, this is unhealthy, and ill tell myself ill change tomorrow or ill try next week and I never do. Im terrified to up my cals anymore bc im scared of gaining. Thats where the negative voices take over.

Thats what my husband keeps telling me he says " you always say your going to try, your going to change, but when? you never do?" and hes right. Thats why i think i need to see a doctor to give me a push.

I bought a book called: Life Without ED and it was great, but not inspirational enough??

hia samantha

well done for asking for advice im sure there are many people here who have experienced the 'tug of war' including myself

for a few years i wanted to change but as you said i couldnt up my calories for fear of the weight gain!

in the end, i ended up asking my mum to make the doctors appt. for me, and she took me to ensure i went. i completely agree with rainbow, you need to look to family and friends for support because they will give you that little extra push you need!

in the meantime, try upping your cals very slowly, i know its so much easier said than done but you can do it! one of the best things in my opinion is adding a cup of milk a day, no fat is fine if thats more comfortable. the milk will provide calcium for your bones which have probably been weakened and also protein which is important for growth/weight gain!

also check out the weight gain forum, everyone there has/is going through similar things and are very inspirational and helpful

take care and good luck :D xxx

hun i was in your shoes about 6 mths ago...did the EXACT same thing and dropped a lil lower...

 

all i can say is what you think your thinking now is your ED talking, you need to get healthy, have energy, a period, and care/love for your family... im sure your husband wants the woman he fell in love with back...

my best advice wouldn't be reading books and sitting online all day... get help from someone you trust(husband is ideal) b/c when you recover you are going to get SO MADDDDD at him and fight with yourself over food/exercise... he HAS to be willing to say no to you and put up with you angry/hating everything

tell him you want his help and that NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY/DO try to hide and argue with your going to do what you must and are told... by him, by the doctor, by everyone who is going to help you...I SWEAR when you brain starts processing thoughts clearly you will understand this

so you know, there will be things you wont have a choice but to give up... this is more than just food...

- food rituals

-safe foods

- turning you nose up at EVERYTHING that isnt exactly what you are use to... this happens ALL THE TIME when you begin... if it wasnt what i alloted for, wanted, was comfy with or whatever i HATED IT... EAT IT YOU NEED IT...

- exercise

 

in the long run, look at yourself 20, 30....50 yrs down the road. do you want a damn eatting disorder to be the reason you are so frustrated w/ life, yourself, your husband, habits... in the book of life on YOU... is this what you want to have to go back and tell grandchildren you did through your years... i know i want rock climbing stories, new years eve stories, quality holiday time remembering a DELICIOUS piece of homemade pie we shared over the most hilarious joke or something... food is social, not just in america but everywhere... giving up your ED will only fulfill your life so you can live it to the fullest!

let me reply to myself... it is a long hard road but i just want you to get help... i struggled for about 4 yrs and seeing someone do EXACTLY what i did for so long(and dont worry im still overcoming to this day,only 6 mths in,  weight is hard to gain!)

dont read my post thinking it's mean or anything but sometimes a blunt reply will make you take that step!

 

PS- that book you read... surprise surprise....same one i first picked up before getting help too

Thank you all so much for your quick responces! It really means a lot. So would you all suggest I go see a doctor? or should I just wait it out a little and maybe my thoughts will get better? Thats where i think the ED is tricking me, telling me im fine and i dont need to see a doctor. That a doctor will think im fine.

Im so scared of upping my cals. I dont want to see the numbers on the scale go up. I want them to go down. I keep saying once i hit 100 ill quit but ive been saying that since 118. I hate this, I really do. I want this stupid thing out of my life, I wish i would have never gotten in this deep. Im scared

I'd recommend seeing a doctor who specializes in eating disorders.  Your general practitioner may or may not have much experience and may allow you to get away with telling them that you're fine when you're really not.  Also, consider taking your spouse both for moral support but also to keep you honest.

Until your appointment, if you can get yourself to slowly increase your calories every few days (ensure is a great way because it has tons of nutrients), then you'll be doing yourself a huge favor and have a postitive success to report when you do see the doctor.

Sam,

I am so proud of you for posting this and realizing that you need help and a boost to get you going!!

I definitely think that you should see a doctor so that you can get a professional opinion and perhaps vitals done. I remember how low my blood pressure was, as well as my anemic problem.

When I went to the doc they laid everything out to me on the table, eat or die? Or inpatient? So I choose to get help from my nutritionist and my family and boyfriend....

You have a wonderful hubby.....you can do this!! DO THIS FOR YOU!

YOU CAN DO IT! I was so scared (and still am) when I realized I needed to change and the most important thing for me was talking to my mom. So find someone (husband, parent, etc!) and let them help you get help. Having someone there with me has made the whole process easier. And do see a doctor, it really put things into perspective for me (seeing how serious the situation was).

In the few weeks I've been in recovery I've started feeling so much better mentally, people say I'm more fun to be around, and I'm getting complements about not looking so "sickly". I'm starting to enjoy life again and with anorexia, you really miss out on so much. If you think about all the things you've missed out on because of your ED it helps you realize that you need to recover.

Good luck and if you ever need to vent please let me know! It's very courageous of you to even admit you have an ED, so I'm sure you can take the next step. All the best :)

only go see a doctor who has experience. don't go to a normal gp. They don't have the same information and probably views. you may get lucky, but I was very unlucky twice and completly devestated by their reactions. However, when you go to an ED specialist they have experience with cases like our and know how to help-which makes all the difference :)

good luck and hang in there, i know its tough but you can def do this!

Wow! Im so overwhelmed with all the support here! Thank you everyone! So i guess the definite answer im getting is that i do need to seek professional help for this. Last night while my hubby and i were at the basketball game i just started thinking those positive thoughts like i want to stop this, i wanna change, my body cant take it anymore. but then the bad voices come in saying oh you look great, lose 5 more pounds and you'll look amazing, and then we can stop. But i cant listen to him anymore. I want my life back.

SO do i research an eating disorder specialist? I thought id have to go through my regular family doctor first to be diagnosed?

Were a lot of you like me? Like you had those good voices that would tell u " lets get better" and then you have bad ones that tell you "no!"

Im terrified of upping my cals. i know a lot of you keep saying i should, but im so scared to. I know if i do ill gain. IDK its so tough. Thank you everyone for all your quick responses it really does mean a lot!

Yes yes yes! I'm still constantly having all these opposing thoughts. It's frustrating but I think it will just take time. I've been getting help through my general practitioner (and this site!) and once I go back home for the summer in a few weeks (I'm away at college now) I plan on seeing a therapist that specializes in eating disorders.

Welcome to the world of recovery!!!

As a therapist, I, of course, recommend therapy!  There are wonderful teams made up of nutritionists, therapists, and doctors specifically trained to deal with the beast that an easting disorder is.  Coping with the treatment may be easier using this "team" approach because you don't have to deal with feeling like you have a different appointment every day, and you don't have to rehash everything each specialist is doing with you to all of the others.  The team will sit down as a group and review all of the data and figure out what each of them can do that will help you the most.

In terms of therapy, I would recommend cognitive-behavioral therapy.  This approach will teach you two main things:

1.  Identify and challenge your constant thoughts of opposition (we call them automatic, distorted, or maladaptive thoughts)

2.  Learn techniques for changing your self destructive behaviors.  When you can change your behaviors, many times, you can change the thoughts that come with them!  Please keep in mind that letting your brain catch up with your progress will take time, patience, and hard work.

There are also many in patient facilities around the country that specialize in treating eating disorders.  They can be helpful for some, but from what I have seen, it's best if you can avoid it.  There is an underground eating disorder culture, which the moderators work very hard to keep off of these pages.  When someone goes into the hospital, it can be scary, lonely, and frustrating.  But they make friends with the other people there, and usually end up learning about all of the other very creative ways patients have used to get around the system.  Avoid the underground pro-eating disorder culture at all costs!

I wish you all the best of luck in your recovery.  For many, this is a long, difficult process.  When you get frustrated, please keep in mind that the consequences of failing to seek treatment and recovery are far worse then the recovery process.

Samantha,

When I was in college, I had a very dangerous ED as well.  I am 5'2" and weighed 105 pounds at the time.  Doesn't sound like it is "too low" but for my frame, it was!  You could see every bone in my chest, arms, everywhere.  It was gross...

One day, I was getting in my car to go to class and passed out behind the wheel of my car because I hadn't eaten anything but 1/2 chicken breast in 2 1/2 days.  I was working out for 2-3 hours per day. I collided with a car that was going 45 miles per hour!  I woke up in the ambulance and was in and out of consciousness for about 4 hours!  I had multiple CT Scans after that because I had severe head trauma from the wreck. Ever since, I have suffered from migraines.  This was enough of a kick in the butt for me.  I am not saying that I did not have help, though!

My trainer was the biggest support that I had.  He would grill me on what I was eating and when he picked me up from the hospital that night (I couldn't get anyone else on the phone) he gave me a stern talking-to.  I told all my friends and family about what I was going through and they helped me also.  I never saw a counselor but I think it would have helped me a great deal if I had.

My situation was that I was a ballet dancer and competing in pageants at the time.  I was told by numerous ballet teachers and pageant "folk" that "just five more pounds" and I could win, or get that coveted lead role in the ballet.  And it was ALWAYS FIVE MORE POUNDS!  Which didn't seem like a lot. 

About two years after my experience, I saw a girlfriend of mine go through the same thing and luckily she got help and recovered.  It can be done and congratulations to you for realizing that you need some help!  I didn't until after it was over!

Samantha

Thanks again everyone for your responses! My mother has made my appointment for April 30th with my family Doc. Hes been my doc since i was a little girl, we think he can refer me, or send me in the right direction. Im really freaking out about the appointment, terrified, not wanting to go. But this is my only chance to get better, im not changing on my own. So i thank you all again, and i will keep you posted.

There are days i wanna beat this damn thing up and throw it away, and then it seems like the next day i cant dare to battle it. This is my life though and i deserve the best for me!

Take care everyone, and thanks again!

Samantha