Let's talk about kids being bullied/harrassed...

I'm a mother of two beautiful children ages 5 and 10.  I also have a 16 year old sister who lives with me.  I can't imagine the heartache the mothers from GA and MA is feeling right now.

Just in case you haven't heard, but an 11 year old boy from GA hung himself last week after school because he was being bullied at school.  A couple of weeks before that a 12 year old boy did the same in MA because of being bullied also.

I'd like to hear thoughts from parents regarding these two tragic events.  As a mother of a 10 year old boy and a 5 year old girl it really scares me as to what may be going on at school now a days.  I know kids can be so cruel and mean, but when something tragic like this occurs, I feel that we as parents should step up our game.  I'm not saying just to protect our children, but keep our children from being the bully as well.

It seems as if kids are becoming more and more cruel using language not suitable for them.  I'm wondering if this is steaming from the home or more from the media?

What are your thoughts?

Original Post by kathygator:

Most schools have a zero tolerance for fighting policy.

Just the same, I'm conflicted. I would never have told my kid not to defend themselves, but understood that by doing so physically, they would have been subject to the same punishment.

i wasn't bullied throughout my school years, but after we moved (grade 5) it was rough for a few years.  if my parents had told me to defend myself physically, i would have thought they were insane.  in grade 6 i was probably 5'7" and 85 pounds soaking wet. 

i also couldn't run fast.

my parents' advice was to "ignore it," which didn't work at all, but there came a point in about grade 8 when i started to stick up for myself, and the harrassment ended pretty damn quickly.

since then - well, you can guess ;)

Original Post by lilsmiter:

 

Of course when I was in school... I got in a TON of fights.

And you don't see that as being a problem? There are ways to deal with problems other  than fighting.

also, blocking a punch is not the same as striking someone

Original Post by pgeorgian:

Original Post by kathygator:

Most schools have a zero tolerance for fighting policy.

Just the same, I'm conflicted. I would never have told my kid not to defend themselves, but understood that by doing so physically, they would have been subject to the same punishment.

i wasn't bullied throughout my school years, but after we moved (grade 5) it was rough for a few years.  if my parents had told me to defend myself physically, i would have thought they were insane.  in grade 6 i was probably 5'7" and 85 pounds soaking wet. 

i also couldn't run fast.

my parents' advice was to "ignore it," which didn't work at all, but there came a point in about grade 8 when i started to stick up for myself, and the harrassment ended pretty damn quickly.

since then - well, you can guess ;)

 Yeah 'ignore it' doesn't work. I had one girl in about the 7th grade that was harrassing me, grabbing my things from my desk, etc. Finally one morning, I grabbed her arm and raised my notebook to belt her, but didn't. Of course we both went to the office, and after that she left me alone - then became friendly.

Lame after school special story, I know - but what has always troubled me about the incident was how angry I felt.

Still makes me feel icky.

Original Post by nomoreexcuses:

also, blocking a punch is not the same as striking someone

 Definitely - which is why something like Karate makes so much sense.

Original Post by kathygator:

Yeah 'ignore it' doesn't work. I had one girl in about the 7th grade that was harrassing me, grabbing my things from my desk, etc. Finally one morning, I grabbed her arm and raised my notebook to belt her, but didn't. Of course we both went to the office, and after that she left me alone - then became friendly.

heh.  in grade eight a girl who was a former friend (she was even lower in status than me by this point) shoved me in the hall.  must have been a bad day, because i grabbed her by the neck and pushed her up against the lockers.  yeah, that was pretty-much the end of the bullying ;)

we did not become friendly, but years later i worked with her son when he was 10-11 ish.  he was not a bully, but he did alternate between thinking he was a tiger and believing that he could fly.

My husband wished to be a carrot when he grew up primarily because that's what bunnies love. He did not follow his dream, but still harbored great affection for bunnies later in his life. :)

Original Post by alibsam:

Original Post by lilsmiter:

 

Of course when I was in school... I got in a TON of fights.

And you don't see that as being a problem? There are ways to deal with problems other  than fighting.

 On my part, lord no.  But me and my Brother were in a terrible neighborhood.  My best friend started using Heroin at age 12 and another girl from our social group started prostituting at 13.  It was a horrible place to grow up.  Even as an adult with a black belt I would be nervous to walk down those streets at night.  House around the corner from ours had a drive by or two.

Funny thing is we never DID lock the doors.  never got bothered either... it's funny how you can be safe in such a bad place.

And even then my Idea of a fight isn't many punches thrown, but any altercation where I had to use physical force to protect myself or someone else.  So in some fights I just Tossed someone agaist a wall, in others I used a great deal more force.  I had TK training and was a orange belt at 6 when we ran out of monney.  Even in retro spect I don't feel like I did anything that wasn't nessisary.  But I acted with my consious if I saw someone getting beaten up I stepped in... and I got a reputation.  But even amongst the really bad kids there was a level of respect ... it's hard to explain... kind of lord of the flies stuff.

There Are other ways to deal with "Problems" then fighting.  But the only way to stop a violent attacker is with violence.  Either on your part, or the part of someone stepping in for you.

Just thought I would add my 2 cents in regards to Bullies.  My 12 year old is harrassed on a regular basis at school, I have tried to teach her to turn the other cheek, I have contacted the vice principal, the teacher and it continues.  She doesn't want to go to school.  She has red hair and is very fair complected so she is called "Chucky" "Marshmellow" told to "go back to white town" now on a whole these do not seem so sever and that is why we tried to turn the other cheek and then the vice principal and teacher but there is one girl, that instigates it on the play ground and then because we live in a predominately hispanic neighborhood all the kids on the play ground join in because my child is different.

When I spoke with the vice principal in regards to the issue, she called me back with both girls in the office.  Mine and the perp and explained that my daughter had finally had it and called the little girl a B--ch, I said I didn't blame her as this has been going on all school year and no one has done anything about it.  She then in front of both girls said "I understand because your daughter is the minority now"  Who in there right mind would point this out in front of the girls, who would give them more amunition to use against each other.  I was livid and after the girls left the office, I let her have it.

Bottom line is that if you want your children safe, then it is entirely up to you to make it happen.  Kids are cruel and regardless of there situation at home or elsewhere the child being bullied doesn't care that the bullier is abused or evil or just plan insecure.  My daughter is entering martial arts this summer as she will be in Jr. High next year with these same cruel children and if that doesn't work I will drive her to another school district.

I feel great sorrow for the parents of the two children that commited suicide and hope I never feel that kind of pain.

Good on you Clang.

If your daughter gets a chance to go to camp with the school don't pass it up. 

The children that I went to 2 years of grade school with were a pack of velociraptors.  There is far more to bullying than the physical aspect.  I simply avoided them as much as possible both on and off the playground which made it more difficult for them to target me.

My parents had already enrolled me in martial arts classes so I was well aware that I could actually damage them from a physical stand point despite being a very slender child, but the consequences as a martial artist of doing damage simply were not worth while so I ignored them as much as possible and cried at home after school where they couldn't see, yes on a daily basis.  Unfortunately when I completely lose my temper I cry which made taunting me far more amusing for them since they truly were not aware that I could physically damage them.

The end result is that I tend to be far more compassionate towards misfits and outcasts...in fact they tend to be some of my favorite people.  I don't think that suicide ever occured to me as a solution (then again no one ever suggested it).

I could be completely wrong here....but it seems to me that parents used to get involved alot more than they seem to now.  The parents of both children would more often meet up and work things out together.  It seems like that is happening less and less.  Now alot more parents seem to be relying on the schools to "figure it out" for them.

If it were my child being picked on, I would demand a meeting with the other parents.  At least then I could see what I was dealing with.  Is it a single mom, or just really lazy parents?  Is it an alcoholic abusive dad, or just a misguided father who works long hours?  Seems like it would make more sense to do this so we could figure out how to correct the child who is the aggressor.

Edit: Threads like these always make me wonder whether there are any parents of bullies who are reading this and might decide to do something good with this information before it's too late.  OR maybe they just sneer and go back to their bottle of vodka....makes me wonder.

Peaches I think most of the time the parents are just as bad if not worse then the kids.

I remember we had Genivive who was Evil wicked bully gang leader.  She was already to the point where she would Have someone beat the heck out of you instead of doing it herself.  One day my 6th grade teacher who had pretty much given up, threatened to call her dad.  She went into hysterics and threw a chair at him.  Of course her Dad's solution would be to beat the snot out of her... or worse, we could only imagion.  The teacher just sat down and cried... it was a terrible terrible place.

Original Post by lilsmiter:

Peaches I think most of the time the parents are just as bad if not worse then the kids.

I remember we had Genivive who was Evil wicked bully gang leader.  She was already to the point where she would Have someone beat the heck out of you instead of doing it herself.  One day my 6th grade teacher who had pretty much given up, threatened to call her dad.  She went into hysterics and threw a chair at him.  Of course her Dad's solution would be to beat the snot out of her... or worse, we could only imagion.  The teacher just sat down and cried... it was a terrible terrible place.

 Maybe that is the case.  But do you think the teacher was helping this child by NOT calling the dad?  Was the teacher doing his best to protect the other children by not calling the dad?  For better or worse, the parents need to be made aware of their children's behavior.  I think that some of the schools are failing in this area.  But the parents are failing as well.

Original Post by lilsmiter:

yay Me too...

But I think it's important that we really look at these "bullies" 

They are almost always abused, and they are almost always taking out the same agression and violence that is used against them at home.  These children are in danger and need to be helped.

When adults and teachers see abusive behavior in kids and simply say, "oh well." the teachers should loose their jobs.

I don't think that "abused" cliche is so. The bullies at my schools were the spoiled entitled ones who never faced consequences--unless you call Daddy buying you a Porsche for your birthday a punishment because it wasn't a Ferrari. Of course someone will try to tell me spoiling is a form of abuse. Sure. Must be tough, compared to the kids who's lives were hell every day...

Also I've noticed that the meanest girls, again contrary to cliche, weren't THE most popular girls, though they were still spoiled kids. It was more the second-tier mainstream girls who aspired to be the popular ones but didn't quite make the cut. 

Regardless of how you personaly feel about it Neglect is a form of abuse.

Original Post by peaches0405:

Original Post by lilsmiter:

Peaches I think most of the time the parents are just as bad if not worse then the kids.

I remember we had Genivive who was Evil wicked bully gang leader.  She was already to the point where she would Have someone beat the heck out of you instead of doing it herself.  One day my 6th grade teacher who had pretty much given up, threatened to call her dad.  She went into hysterics and threw a chair at him.  Of course her Dad's solution would be to beat the snot out of her... or worse, we could only imagion.  The teacher just sat down and cried... it was a terrible terrible place.

 Maybe that is the case.  But do you think the teacher was helping this child by NOT calling the dad?  Was the teacher doing his best to protect the other children by not calling the dad?  For better or worse, the parents need to be made aware of their children's behavior.  I think that some of the schools are failing in this area.  But the parents are failing as well.

 The teacher failed her by not calling child protective services, and he failed everyone else by giving up.  But yes I think he did do her a favor by not telling her Dad.

Original Post by kathygator:

My husband wished to be a carrot when he grew up primarily because that's what bunnies love. He did not follow his dream, but still harbored great affection for bunnies later in his life. :)

 He and Hugh Hefner.

Original Post by pgeorgian:

we did not become friendly, but years later i worked with her son when he was 10-11 ish.  he was not a bully, but he did alternate between thinking he was a tiger and believing that he could fly.

 This was probably not meant to be funny but I couldn't help but be amused.

:)