Let's talk about kids being bullied/harrassed...

I'm a mother of two beautiful children ages 5 and 10.  I also have a 16 year old sister who lives with me.  I can't imagine the heartache the mothers from GA and MA is feeling right now.

Just in case you haven't heard, but an 11 year old boy from GA hung himself last week after school because he was being bullied at school.  A couple of weeks before that a 12 year old boy did the same in MA because of being bullied also.

I'd like to hear thoughts from parents regarding these two tragic events.  As a mother of a 10 year old boy and a 5 year old girl it really scares me as to what may be going on at school now a days.  I know kids can be so cruel and mean, but when something tragic like this occurs, I feel that we as parents should step up our game.  I'm not saying just to protect our children, but keep our children from being the bully as well.

It seems as if kids are becoming more and more cruel using language not suitable for them.  I'm wondering if this is steaming from the home or more from the media?

What are your thoughts?

Original Post by coffincritter:

Original Post by lilsmiter:

yay Me too...

But I think it's important that we really look at these "bullies" 

They are almost always abused, and they are almost always taking out the same agression and violence that is used against them at home.  These children are in danger and need to be helped.

When adults and teachers see abusive behavior in kids and simply say, "oh well." the teachers should loose their jobs.

I don't think that "abused" cliche is so. The bullies at my schools were the spoiled entitled ones who never faced consequences--unless you call Daddy buying you a Porsche for your birthday a punishment because it wasn't a Ferrari. Of course someone will try to tell me spoiling is a form of abuse. Sure. Must be tough, compared to the kids who's lives were hell every day...

Also I've noticed that the meanest girls, again contrary to cliche, weren't THE most popular girls, though they were still spoiled kids. It was more the second-tier mainstream girls who aspired to be the popular ones but didn't quite make the cut. 

 of course though I think violent bullies are a bit different... instead of neglect and disintrest from their parents they are probobly getting something much harsher.  Regardless, I think you can agree that if a child is bullying there is something unhealthy going on at home.

Not always.  I'd say that a child who is bullying has some unbalance in their life but it may very well not be at home and the parents may very well be unaware of it. Children are very good at hiding the aspects of their personality that they don't want their parents to be aware of.  I would say that any child who is bullying certainly bears further investigation from concerned adults into all aspects of their lives.  Bullying is a symptom that something is not right in their life whether it's home, other places where they're being bullied or that they are well on their way to becoming a personality that is unpleasant at best to deal with.

Hi there, I know I am not a parent, but I am a teacher and I think that it is just as important for teachers as well as parents to be educated on bullying behaviour and how to prevent it with our kids.

One of my experiences in my undergrad was working in a school with children grades 5-6. I was implementing a program called Peace by PEACE. This program is specifically designed to bring university students into the classroom and teach children about bullying and conflict resolution. This is done through interactive games, discussions about personal experiences - to let kids know they aren't as different from one another as they think. It teaches children to recognize verbal and non verbal signs of anger, ways to de-escalate anger and situations where bullying is about to happen, on their own. This program makes teachers and children aware of the real issues, and gives students the tools to deal with it on their own. I worked with these kids for 4 months, and saw a marked improvement in communication and bullying within the class and outside at recess. I would reccomend any parent get ahold of the resources to implement a program like this in your area. I know this program so far exists in Atlanta, Baltimore, Toronto, Hamilton, and a few more locations.

Please take the time to see if programs like these exist in your child's school or in your community. They DO work.

The website for peace by peace is :   

http://peacebypeace.sa.utoronto.ca/

Original Post by trhawley:

Original Post by pgeorgian:

we did not become friendly, but years later i worked with her son when he was 10-11 ish.  he was not a bully, but he did alternate between thinking he was a tiger and believing that he could fly.

 This was probably not meant to be funny but I couldn't help but be amused.

oh, it was ;)

In the case of the boy that was bullied and hanged himself ( Jaheem), he also had homophobic slurs hurled against him. Bullying is an awful thing and so damaging to a child's sense of self, but being called gay shouldnt' be used as an insult. There is nothing offensive about being queer. It is also important to teach children (I guess the general public as well) about equality and homophobia. No one knows what really got to him, but kids will use homophobic slurs to put down the other person, and he might have thought that being called "gay" was the worst thing ever. 

Society has a lot to work on *sigh*.

when I was around the same age as these boys, 9-12 (grade 5-8) I was constantly bullied at school... not physically but emotionally. I had very few friends, if any real friends at all. I was quiet and kept to myself, I feared talking because everytime I did people would tease me or tell me to shutup.

everyday I contemplated suicide, everyday..

but I stuck it out hoping that one day it will be better, one day I will change, one day I wont be ugly, or annoying, or stupid, and everything else that they called me.

for the most part it did get better.. in highschool I made actual friends, and grew into my looks. For once in my life I was 'pretty' and I could open up and be myself.. sort of. Things were better anyways...

But those thoughts and fears and insecurtities have stayed with me to this day... I constantly think people hate me, or that they are judging me all the time. I have problems expressing my feelings, and feel that I need to be best all of the time just to be noticed... needless to say that those surpressed feelings from my childhood were projected into eating disorders and other psycho-emotional disorders...

It is difficult for me to make friends because I am scared of letting people get to know me, in fear of being judged, rejected, critized etc... it's amazing that me and my boyfriend have lasted this long, and that he puts up with all my food and social issues... but he told me he loved me the other night, and I couldnt say it back... I can't express feelings, that makes me weak, that makes me vulnerable.

Original Post by lilsmiter:

I say Hit first ask questions later. 

 I can't agree with you.  As one who was unmercifully bullied as a child, I was hardly in a position to do any hitting.  I was smaller than the other kids, thin and frail, and terrified. I couldn't even run fast.  Nobody helped me and I was suspicious and untrusting - very withdrawn and quiet.  I found that if I was quiet enough they didn't notice me as much.  I can't imagine what would have happened if I'd hit first.  I would have been beaten to a pulp very quickly.  As it was I just curled up in a ball and was very still until they got bored.

Our family moved because of my father's job and it was the best thing that could have happened to me.  I think the only solution in my life would have been if my parents had taken it seriously and put me in another school right from the beginning.

I think this issue is really hard to resolve.  Sometimes parents or teachers intervening makes the abuse worse.  With my own kids, I found that private conversations with the teacher, without my child or any other child knowing about it, helped the most.  My children were big, strong, confident and self reliant, so they got through life without experiencing much of this behavior. 

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts. Here are some of my thoughts after reading all the posts on this thread.

First, I don't believe in solving any situation with violence and I don't believe in ignoring the problem either.  Growing up, I've faced many adversities but I've never ran away from the problem or ignored it.  My father who was a Thai kickboxer in Thailand has always taught me to not fight violence with violence.  He's taught me ways to block and slow the other person down.  Why?  Because when you start throwing back punches and kicks, it only makes the other person angrier and you to lose your focus and control.  It's really a no win at that point.  So you see, it's still self defense, but you're not bashing anyone's head in.  This is also what I've instilled into my children as well.  With that said, getting your kids into some form of martial arts to teach them those techniques and control is a very good idea.

My thoughts on the harasser is that some do come from an abusive background, but then there are those that have everything but their parent's attention.  There's also those that don't know how to cope with certain situations so they start to act out and find the weakest person to harass.  As a parent, I would definitely want to know the background of the child harassing mine before taking steps as to calling the cop or getting a lawyer to start suing.  Like many have said, as the parent of the victim, you'll probably uncover something that's going on with the other child and end up helping the child as well.  I wished that the teacher that lil was talking about would've notified the authorities or child protective services and possibly save that child.  I would also need to meet the parents of that child.  There's a chance that those parents may not even know what their child is doing.

It's best for us as parents to stay communicated with our kids and everyone that touches their lives.  Listen to what they have to say and keep digging deeper during each conversation with them.  I'm a sales consultant and I keep asking the when, who, what, how, and lots of whys with my kids until they have no more to say.  Just keep probing.  You'd be surprise what you can uncover.  I'm not just talking about our child being the potential victim, but the potential bully too.  Trust me, no matter how much the kids want to keep us out of the loop, we're the adult, we're much smarter than them.  We need to be open and keep it real with our kids.  We can't shelter them from the real world so help them understand it better.

People are monsters. I've had so many bad things done to be through "bullying" it would be a crime if it were done to an adult. I honestly don't blame people who come into the school with guns, I know how they feel (though I absolutely do not agree with their methods).

The "bullys" need to be punished like an adult would if they did something similar. Ie, some sort of detention center or minor training school.

Seriously, they tried to light me on fire.

Original Post by cptbunny:

People are monsters. I've had so many bad things done to be through "bullying" it would be a crime if it were done to an adult. I honestly don't blame people who come into the school with guns, I know how they feel (though I absolutely do not agree with their methods).

The "bullys" need to be punished like an adult would if they did something similar. Ie, some sort of detention center or minor training school.

Seriously, they tried to light me on fire.

oh, my brother did that to me. 

Cowboys and Indians - I was the Cowboys - he was 4 years older than me - he caught me - tied me to my (child-sized) rocking chair - gathered a pile of tree branches, twigs and leaves under the rocking chair - told me I had to be burned at the stake & lit the pile on fire.

As it turns out, if you rock in a rocking chair back and forth as hard as you can, you can make the rocking chair tip over.

Also, lighting a fire on the carport will leave a tell-tale blackened spot that will get your brother into major trouble when mom and dad get home.

Dad: What is that black spot on the carport?
Me: Oh, that's where Shaun tied me up and burned me at the stake.

Quite terrifying in the moment, yes, but after the fact made me more confident that I am strong and wily and able to survive adversity.

But my brother was a bit of a pyromaniac as a child.  He also lit his easter basket on fire in my grandfather's bedroom and when the blaze was as tall as he was, he began dousing it with glasses of water, one at a time, retrieved from the kitchen.  The third glass of water signalled to my grandmother that something was amiss.

and incidentally, my brother was bullied at school, he was scrawny when he was little.  after he grew to be 6'5" and very muscled, nobody bullied him anymore.

Kind of a personal thing for me as my daughter was bullied very badly - she didn't try to kill herself however when she became a teen she found a group that accepted her...and it wasn't a good group - this started 3 years of hell for me and my family.  In retrospect I handled the whole thing poorly - I was intimidated by the principal of the school and I didn't charge in there and DEMAND that they provide a safe environment - the things that were going on should have had legal consequences for the school and the kids.  However I was in a weak state of mind at the time which, probably didn't bode well for my daughter - she probably emulated me. 

What I see and what I realize now is this started at an early age - it was when it started that we, the adults, needed to get in there and do something.  I think parents are so concerned about the grades their kids get, social development is seen as secondary.  To me that's wrong - proper and good social development will net good grades - as much as the child is capable of them. 

There is a program that started in British Columbia where mothers bring in their 2 month old babies into the class room once a week for a period of time - the kids get to know the baby and love the baby - then they are asked what would you feel like to see this child be hit or teased etc...because the children love the baby and care for it, it makes them "get it".  It sounds really weird but it has an amazing success rate! 

The real education needs to be aimed at the kids who don't bully and who aren't bullied really - if a bully stands alone...all of the sudden it's not so graitfying anymore. 

BTW - if you want to stop this, you should stop generalizing - it's NOT always the poor kid whose parents do drugs that is the bully - ALOT of the times it's the little rich girl with all the cool clothes and cool big house....i.e. perhaps YOUR child and if you don't watch out for that, your part of the problem and it will keep on!! 

My two cents.

Original Post by lilsmiter:

Regardless of how you personaly feel about it Neglect is a form of abuse.

And getting everything handed to you on a silver platter and parents thinking the sun shines out your @$$ is a form of Neglect?

Trust me, when we moved to Az (red state) there were these wholesome kids in traditional families who could do no wrong in their parents eyes. And they became horrible people. 

Back in NY there were bullies too, and things could get violent and sometimes you had no choice but to fight (sorry, if they decide to jump you they've already made up their minds they don't want a reasonable discussion), but at least I understood what was going on and no one acted ABOVE anyone, even if they were mean, you know?

Original Post by anewdawn:

BTW - if you want to stop this, you should stop generalizing - it's NOT always the poor kid whose parents do drugs that is the bully - ALOT of the times it's the little rich girl with all the cool clothes and cool big house....i.e. perhaps YOUR child and if you don't watch out for that, your part of the problem and it will keep on!! 

My two cents.

are you addressing this to everyone or to a specific post or posts?

FTR, I have not generalized at all, but have shared specific incidents that happened to me and to my daughter.

Nomore - no I was responding in General and not to you.   I was speaking to my daughters case where the meanest of the mean were very pretty and cute little girls - other posts in here have indicated that bullies are from a certain socio-economic back ground - it's not the case - they came from ALL walks of life and if we truly want it to stop we need to look at our own kids without rose coloured glasses - I suspect a family could have a bully and bullied in the same household.  And I am sorry for any pain your family went through - as I said, we have been there - it was very painful and sometimes during these kinds of talks I get very passionate because of that - no offense was meant to anyone really - even those who may have generalized - I just think we have to pay more attention to how all of our children are doing socially - we can't always assume it's "those other guys" and it doesn't pertain to us. 

I would also like to say that my daughter has come around the other end and is now a lovely young woman - whose life and future is in her own hands, as it should be.