Talk to me about passive aggressive

Do you know someone who is passive aggressive?  Has this been damaging to your relationship?  What did you do?  How did you feel?

If you don't already know how I feel, then I'm not going to tell you.

.... like that?

My MIL is very passive aggressive.  It drives me absolutely crazy, and I just avoid her.  That's easy to do- we live on different continents, thank god.  When we did live in the same country, I just kept myself very removed emotionally and tried not to engage with her too much.  I know she can tell that I'm not too fond of her, and I think my emotional distance hurts her.  But we would have it out if I let myself be around her too much.

Actually, that's probably not the best way to handle it... oh well

My husband also has his moments when he can be pretty p/a.  I get highly annoyed at these moments, and I tell him that I'm annoyed with the behavior.  So far, it hasn't been overtly damaging to the relationship.  I do give him a bit of a pass, because I figure anyone who grew up with his mother is bound to be a little p/a. 

Yes, that is part of it. Here is a full http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverel ationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm

I am annoyed as all get out by passive aggressive behavior.  I find the best way to get beyond it is to focus on actions, not words, and to respond dispassionately to the actions.  The more I dwell on my or their emotions, the more it feeds back into the p/a cycle.  This has allowed me to work professionally with passive aggressive types, but I could never live with someone like this.  I would always feel as if I were walking on eggshells -- and even when I get to goal, I'll be too heavy to keep that up!

My mother is passive aggressive.  It is one of the reasons I get extremely stressed by a visit (fortunately she currently lives 12 hours away).  She won't ever say there is a problem, just make these little comments to lay the guilt on so she would get her way.  Or she just "forgets" things conveniently.   She has not expressed anger around me since I was a very small child.  

I was raised with it, and at 33 years old, I am still trying to control the guilt I feel over everything, trying to create independence from my mother's control.  And trying as hard as all get out to not be passive agressive myself, and express my feelings in a logical manner.

Original Post by amethystgirl:

If you don't already know how I feel, then I'm not going to tell you.

 

 

.... like that?

 ^5 Amethyst.

Like I've asked my mother to stop sending me anything that is not family related, yet I still receive e-mails like "Similarities of Native Americans and Hebrews".

You know I really want to vent.  I want to say all of the ways it (PA) has hurt me.  But I only just realized PA is the problem and yet, now that I can label the problem I am not even so angry any more.  Just a bit bewildered.

Anyone mind if I vent?

I have to do it later though.  I am at work right now.

Vent away!

The good thing about realizing the cause of the problem is that then you can take measures to help yourself.

I have a few passive aggressive friends. And it's just infuriating. I'd call them out on it more frequently, but I don't like to be aggressive aggressive, either.

Original Post by madamq:

Do you know someone who is passive aggressive?  Has this been damaging to your relationship?  What did you do?  How did you feel?

1)Not anymore, thank god(dess)! 2)It was very damaging, along with the "gaslighting" and the outright criticisms. 3)Eventually got away from the relationship. 4)When I left, I felt so good it was like I could fly!

My in-laws are PA and my husband is sometimes, however, when he starts to ask me for my opinion for the 4th or 5th time (like, do you think this needs another coat of paint? after I have said yes 4 times!) I stop and talk about why he is acting like this and he actually listens and is starting to change. He realizes that he has problems on communicating some times because of how he was raised. Believe me, I have my own set of communication problems because of how I was raised, and I work on it all of the time, especially with my adult children. They are actually starting to appreciate it! We do not have to repeat the mistakes of the past....

Original Post by carolann5111:

when he starts to ask me for my opinion for the 4th or 5th time (like, do you think this needs another coat of paint? after I have said yes 4 times!) I

 Very interesting!  My dh does this.  And will ask, litterally 16 times in a row if I am sure I do not want the last peice of something.  "Do you want this cake?" "are you sure, because we can share it....really if you want it...why dont you have a bite?"  etc on and on.  His mom does it too.  Drives me insane!

I did not realize this was a PA trait.

Oh, man.

I *am* passive aggressive and it's horrible. I'm trying to deal with it and say things out loud if i have a problem with something and avoid guilting people into doing things, but it's so hard!

Out of all possible methods to get something (anything!) out of someone, this works the best. Asking nicely rarely works.

I'm also a "forgetter".

I learned it from my mother. Our arguments are weird.

I really want to stop because i don't want to torture my boyfriend.

So yeah, stone me:)

Don't we all fall back on PA behavior every now and then? It's the folks who can't seem to ever handle a situation any other way that are so infuriating.

That's what I think...

The longer you are exposed to the behavior though, the more likely you are to respond in kind.

oK - this is my vent.  It is all about my dh. 

I have always known we had problems.  But I never could pin point it.  Yesterday was contemplating another 20 years as it has been and I decided I just could not do it any more.  So I found the divorce forum and that article ^up there.  OMG - THIS is my husband.  All of it! 

He is the king of promises made and never kept.  There is always an excuse that seems perfectly reasonable on the surface - but he manages to just never follow through.

He will offer to help me do something and I will say "Ok lets get this done now" and he will lay on the couch watching me do it and when I am almost done he will say "why didnt you tell me you were getting to it?"  "I didnt know"

Yesterday I took the last 2 advil from the bottle.  30 seconds later he is looking for advil.  I tell him I took the last ones and he gets sulky and morose.  I check my purse and find I have more advil.  I offer it to him and he yanks a tablet out of my hand like I am a pariah and barks "ONE!  YOU ONLY NEED ONE!"  No thanks.  Nothing but punishment for having taken the last 2 tablets from the kitchen bottle.

He likes to ask my opinion and immediately tell me "thats not going to work and I will tell you why"

He slams through the house swearing under his breath.  Only to act like nothing is wrong. 

Sex?  We have not had that in 10 years.  It started after the birth of our son - nothing I did would pique his interest.  I bought lengerie and he told me I was embarrassing myself, debassing myself and disrespecting myself.

He insisted that I stay home and take care of our son when he was born.  But then blamed me for not working and putting a strain on our family.

I asked him to go to counseling and he told me I was crazy and needed therapy.

When our son was an infant I fell down the stairs carrying him.  I was "abusive" "irresponsible" "selfish"

It goes on and on and on.

Yet he knows how to keep me imbalanced and never sure what to expect.  He can be wonderful.  And seemingly compassionate,  Sometimes. 

He is deadly to my sense of well being.  If I want something I am not to be trusted.  If I need something - as long as he does not have to put himself out, he is OK.  But if it needs his help or cooperation in anyway then there are "reasons" that it can not be done. 

It has taken me 20 years to realize that he only gives if it is in some way going to make him seem stronger. 

You know the worst - he is stuck in this little world that never changes.  As long as I dont try to force a change everything is OK.  Its not antagonistic if I am like a possession that never questions anything.

We live in a house that is falling down and too small.  I want to fix it up and make some space.  But he acts like that is an impossibility.  So the house keeps falling down and we are still crammed into our house. 

He is a pack rat - he never gets rid of anything.  Unless it is his idea.  If I suggest he gets rid of his too small clothes to make room in our 3 foot closet I am somehow trying to force him out of the house.

I dont want to be here any more.  I dont want this life.  Not like this.  I want the wonderful guy he can be.  But I dont want the a-hole that lives inside his skin too

I have no money.  Divorce would surely force bankruptcy.

I would be blamed for that too.  I will be put through hell.  We have a child too.  He has picked up some of his dads manipulations.  His dad talks to him about me when they are together.  What kind of person I am etc.  He will surely blame me too if I find a way to divorce his dad.  How sad is that?

Yet I can not even get overly emotional about it any more.  But I can not live like this. 

He is like a tag in your pants.  It chaffes and makes your skin raw. But if you wiggle around just a little you can get it to a position where you dont notice it.  But if you move a tiny bit - the chaffing will start again.

I can not breathe.  I can not move.  I can not move forward.

As I said we are in debt.  We took a second mortgage to cosolidate.  We agreed to double the payments.  We discussed that we could be debt free in just a few years.  But he wanted to quit his job and paint.  He agreed to keep his job just one more year so we could get the bills down and be freer when he quit.  He quit his job just 3 months later.  He insisted that it was OK.  But he did not make money painting and so we are now even more deeply in debt.  When it was clear he needed a job - he refused to look for one that meets his skills.  Instead he took a 9.00 an hour job working an over night shift.  That shift is hell on the family.  He sleeps when I am home.  I have to keep everyone quiet.  Even on the weekends.  The dogs bark and my hair turns gray because he will be a surly a-hole if he does not get enough sleep.  He wont direct his mood at me all of the time.  Sometimes it is towards our son.  Not abusively - just irrationally.  Suddenly there are things to pick on.  The books have been there for weeks but now its my sons fault or mine that the books are there.  You know what I mean?

And he turns innocent comments into convoluted discussions.  One day I told him I was going to hang a new towel rack.  Most people would show little interest or offer to help or be excited.  But he plays a game of 20 questions that somehow lead him to the conclusion that the problem is my son needs to learn towel rack manners.  WTF??  We have ONE 3 foot towel bar.  Just that fact alone should be all the knowledge he needs about why I want another towel rack.

Right now we are in a relatively calm period.  But the promises he made me in May are still hanging in the air.  Nothing will be done.  Nothing will move forward unless I make another huge stink.

I am done. 

madamq, I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this. I'm not sure that "passive aggressive" quite sums it up however. The blame, the accusations, it goes past manipulation in my view - I see it as abuse.

Nobody can tell you what's right for you, but don't stay with him out of fear of his reaction to you leaving. He shouldn't be able to scare you into staying with him.

{{{madamq}}}

I don't have any advice to give - just letting you know we are here for you!  It sounds like dh has never learned how to get along with somebody, which is sad.