Can we talk about sex? Again? or Still?

I am not getting enough. I know this may seem petty compared to some other threads running here right now and I am grateful that I have a good man in my life but I am pissy and mad about this and I have tried talking to him about this and he does not want to change/talk about it/refuses to see what a large issue it is etc.

There is nothing physically wrong. When it happens its is divine. He is ten years older than me. We dated 20 years ago  and he was nuts for it. I can give a whole lot of background if you want-but won't make a super long post.

It seems to "usually" be the woman who is not so interested so I would be interested in hearing from women who want it but have sig others that just aren't interested.

Having never been in this position before it also really makes me feel unloved and rejected when I am finally with someone I am crazy about. ( I think this is worse than the physical need not being met.)

Original Post by future214:

It seems to "usually" be the woman who is not so interested so I would be interested in hearing from women who want it but have sig others that just aren't interested.

Well I've always thought that wasn't quite the truth anyway, just some of us are more repressed than others. At least from the friends that I know.  It's really not something that is easy to talk to a guy about, very very sensitive subject. My friend's last relationship basically split up about it.

Are you positive there is nothing physically wrong? We all go through hormonal shifts at different stages in our lives. Maybe stress?

Though we've gone back and forth a bit, I do feel like I want it more than my husband. I go through periods where I'm content with the amount we do it, and through times where I'm literally pissed at the lack of it. I work out my frustrations in the bathtub.

I've been married for almost 30 years, and I've always had a stronger sex drive than my husband-- even when we were teenagers.  Plus, if he is feeling stress from work or worries, he's even less interested. 

Also, to top it off, exercising and getting in better shape has made my libido even stronger. 

I used to spend a lot of time crying and wondering why he wasn't making love to me more often (once a day at least if I had my way!)  But, I've learned over time that it really has nothing to do with how much he loves me, and I know he is attracted to me.  The sex is great when we have it, and if he's not interested and tries to go ahead anyway (because he knows I want it) if just isn't as good as if I wait. 

I know how to satisfy myself, so I never have a need that is not satisifed... maybe not the way I want, but at least I'm not walking around like a ticking time-bomb. 

One thing I have found that helps, is if I make sure to let him know I'm interested a few hours before we hit the sack... if he's even slightly interested, the anticipation can get him motivated.  If he's not then he usually lets me know in some way so I can try to stop thinking about it. 

You are at the height of your sexual peak - if he's older his libido is declining. Time to have an honest, non-antagonistic, discussion about it - without pissiness or finger pointing. ;)

If he's susceptible to the unexpected, shake things up for him. Men are stimulated by novelty - seek novelty - open your mind to any experimentation you are comfortable with.

A long and healthy sex life evolves and changes. You aren't the same couple you were 20 years ago. That said, try to think about every fantasy you two have discussed over the years and make one happen.

If he is reticent, don't take it personally. The more you reinforce your desire with action the less reticent he will become.

LOL, I thought I was the only woman who seemed to enjoy sex more than my boyfriend.  You are so not alone!  I also have a good man in my life but he just doesn't seem to be as interested in it as I am and he is younger than me!

I know it can make you feel unloved and rejected because I felt the same way.  Fortunately though we were able to talk about it and now I feel much better.  It had nothing to do with rejection, he actually just thought that was all I wanted from the relationship (which it wasn't) and wanted it to be more spontaneous.  So we have worked it out  

in addition: if you can talk about how wonderful it is with him and talk about your wish to act out a fantasy by describing it in graphic detail, while you're having sex with him, you will send a very clear message that you want more.

I am so afraid we might split up about it. I feel like I have to accept it or leave and I am not one to just accept things.

There is a ton of stress. He works incredibly long hours. 9am til 10 pm M-F. He is trying to get another 1.5 years in and then he can "retire"so he can get his full pension. He will only be 52 then. The job is under threat of going under, etc. He is a worrier. (when we dated before there was a ton of stress too though -bad divorce, same kind of hours,etc)

Also because of the shift he is on he "has no time to work out" (he really doesn't) and is overweight -he knows this but would never count cals-he  thinks working out is the answer. 

He has asked his Dr about it and the doc said 'your older' so he takes that as what it is.

EDITED to add: This was in response to Octo Luvs post.

Have you explained to him that it's not so much the physical problem it's causing but the emotional? He should be willing to show his love in a way that speaks to you (spending more time with you, a little gift here or there, making a point to do something special with you).

I imagine his lack of interest isn't a reflection on you or for his feelings for you but so many other things. Stress, being over weight, his own fears getting in the way, there are so many other things that could be hampering his desire.

1) Could add another partner into your relationship!

2) Slip viagra into his food whenever you are in the mood.

3) Robots....is there anything they can't do?

If he cares enough to have spoken to a doc, then that's half the battle honey. Stick with it, shake up any routine, make him know that even with some extra weight he's got everything you want.

Original Post by karozel:

 

Also, to top it off, exercising and getting in better shape has made my libido even stronger. 

No kidding-that is why sometimes I think-screw it I will just gorge myself and get fat if I am going to feel so riled up about this!

I know how to satisfy myself, so I never have a need that is not satisifed... maybe not the way I want, but at least I'm not walking around like a ticking time-bomb. 

I own stock in Duracell!

One thing I have found that helps, is if I make sure to let him know I'm interested a few hours before we hit the sack... if he's even slightly interested, the anticipation can get him motivated.  If he's not then he usually lets me know in some way so I can try to stop thinking about it. 

I have tried this and occasionally it works  but usually he feels pressured. Its like we go to bed and there is this big 3 letter word between us.

Original Post by loriklorik:

1) Could add another partner into your relationship!

2) Slip viagra into his food whenever you are in the mood.

3) Robots....is there anything they can't do?

 Do not get me thinking MORE in this direction!! I am posting all of this in a public forum to stop me from thinking about doing bad things:p

Unfortunately it sounds like the stress he's under isn't helping anything.  You say you feel rejected; how is he telling you he's not into it?  Is he nice about it or kind of pushing you away, because that factors into it a lot.

Talk with him.  Tell him you feel unloved- and that doesn't mean that he has to have sex with you right that instant- but that you miss intimacy.  Take sex off the table so he doesn't have to stress about it as well, but tell him you'd like to be touched, held, kissed.  Just simple intimacy.  That might help you both get through this stressful time and hopefully ease him back into the mood.

And you're not alone with a high libido, nor is it "unusual" at all. :)  it does always suck when you're not synched up with your partner though, and I understand the feeling of rejection in that situation.

Original Post by kathygator:

You are at the height of your sexual peak - if he's older his libido is declining. Time to have an honest, non-antagonistic, discussion about it - without pissiness or finger pointing. ;)

If he's susceptible to the unexpected, shake things up for him. Men are stimulated by novelty - seek novelty - open your mind to any experimentation you are comfortable with.

A long and healthy sex life evolves and changes. You aren't the same couple you were 20 years ago. That said, try to think about every fantasy you two have discussed over the years and make one happen.

If he is reticent, don't take it personally. The more you reinforce your desire with action the less reticent he will become.

 Thanks kathygator. I am so un-used to being rejected and have now in this relationship had it happen so many time sthat I am relucatnt to try any more things from my bag of tricks. I have in the past and sometimes it worked but when I was rejected it is so humiliating.

I think I have tried as many non threatening and non antagonistic ways of saying things-He is sensitive about it and it just makes it worse.

as much as this sucks to say - you need to decide if it's a deal breaker. If, in all other ways, he is your soul mate, then you can overcome this. If there are other problems, this will only compound them.

I'd say the same thing to a man in this position. At some point you have to weigh it all out and make a choice.

Original Post by stripedtiger:

Have you explained to him that it's not so much the physical problem it's causing but the emotional? He should be willing to show his love in a way that speaks to you (spending more time with you, a little gift here or there, making a point to do something special with you).

I imagine his lack of interest isn't a reflection on you or for his feelings for you but so many other things. Stress, being over weight, his own fears getting in the way, there are so many other things that could be hampering his desire.

 

 This is so true. I just don't know what to do about it. I guess talking to you all helps-it always helps if I talk.

We went away for  one night this weekend. We had a great dinner/drinks -had fun together, some teasing sexually-we get back to the place, go to bed and he says to me "If you let me go to sleep tonite-I will essentially ___ you tomorrow nite" Which I knew would not happen because we had to get up at the crack of dawn for a long day and my son would be home etc. etc.

I mean I am just supposed to be ok with this-the next AM I am quiet, and he wants to know what is wrong. I don't want to get into it cause it goes no where. Are men really that dense?

We talk a little on the way home and he is "sick of it" sick of me being 'mad at him' 'loves me but can't take it' To me I am not so hard to please-everything physically works-if I get a little I am happy for days what is so hard about this???? (rant rant!) This is where the rejection really hurts. I take care of myself, I am ultra pleasing in to him in the sexual dept. We saw his ex wife (who is his age) she has let herself go alot- why can't he just muscle up a bit? (more ranting sorry.)

So anyway last night he fixes my bike and does other nice things for me, goes to bed at t10:30-snoring and out.

Original Post by kathygator:

as much as this sucks to say - you need to decide if it's a deal breaker. If, in all other ways, he is your soul mate, then you can overcome this. If there are other problems, this will only compound them.

I'd say the same thing to a man in this position. At some point you have to weigh it all out and make a choice.

 You are right and I know it. I think in most other ways it is very good. Ithink about what will be important as we are older. I think of the idiots I dated before. I really try hard to overcome, not let it bother me etc, -there are months where I don't say anything and then it flares back up in me and he thinks I am 'always mad' which is really not true but that is how much the whole subject must bother him.

Hmm. He was offering to make a date to shag you senseless. I think I would have capitalized on that in a major way - held him to it, not allowed myself to get annoyed, but definitely made sure he knew he better deliver, and then ravaged him the next night whether there were complications or not.

Step back from the intensity and work on simply enjoying what you do get and making it superb. Make light of it and the pressure will immediately be off which will have the desired effect.

do you think he would consider taking any meds to help his libido? i hate meds, but if they might help save the relationship, then i guess they arent always an evil.

have yall discussed this?

if i missed this detail, i apologize, i didnt read this entire thread.

Original Post by kathygator:

Hmm. He was offering to make a date to shag you senseless. I think I would have capitalized on that in a major way - held him to it, not allowed myself to get annoyed, but definitely made sure he knew he better deliver, and then ravaged him the next night whether there were complications or not.

Step back from the intensity and work on simply enjoying what you do get and making it superb. Make light of it and the pressure will immediately be off which will have the desired effect.

 

 I see what you are saying. And I know I seem contrary. I have tried to make light of it - for months at a time sometimes- and hoped it would have the desired effect - it doesn't. The effect is we get along better. It is a good effect-but there isn't more sex.

So it comes down to, as you said, me deciding if it is a deal breaker or not or trying in vain to get him to make an adjustment/ waiting to see if it might change when there is less stress, ie retirement.