What do you tell a friend......

I've lost to date, 242 lbs from my highest "recorded" weight. (Meaning when I actually got on a scale and had a medical professional weigh me)  I truly believe however, that at some point, it was probably much higher.

Anyway, I have a friend who needs to lose weight and I have offered to help this person...they are VERY overweight, life threatheing overweight.  I recently received an email, asking me to wish them good luck, because they've given up on dieting, saying it doesn't work and has an appointment to see a weight loss surgery Doctor in early July.

I know you can lose weight without having that drastic surgery...I am proof of this!

What do I say...do I simply say good luck, or do I try to talk them out of it?  Do I give my support even though I think it's the wrong direction.

My fiance says that not everyone has the drive to do what I've done.  But, I've seen so many stories on CC about others who have lost weight, and they too have found the drive to do so.

I'm at a loss for words...

What would you say?

I have a friend that is also going with lapband surgery. I showed her this sight and explained everything and she was completely unresponsive to it. She explained that she has tried so many things to lose weight that she only wants the surgery. And worse than that, her insurance is paying for it. I mean that is good, but there wasn't any kind of evaluation by her primary doctor or anything. Her insurance is paying 80% and the doctor who is doing the surgery is not charging her for the other 20%! So she looks at it like a bonus. I worry about what happens after the surgery. I don't think I would be able to just do what it takes after surgery if I couldn't do it before surgery, you know?

Hi, just wanted to say congratulations on all your success losing weight that is great.

for your friend i would just let them know that you are always there for them if they need a friend to talk to.

good luck

msrobbyn

Honestly, I don't think you can say anything.  Well, maybe you can.

Paint a picture of their life with surgery or if you know some people ensure that they are able to speak with others who have had the surgery and what their life is like.  Eating tiny amounts of food at a time, etc.  Then perhaps you can paint a picture of how your life has changed.  Maybe the different paintings will help them to consider their decision differently.

But you know, this site and how it works required participants to be accountable and sometimes that is very hard for people. very very hard.

Good Luck.

Maybe let her know that if "dieting doesn't work" (which we all know is baloney) then the surgery won't work either! All the surgery does is stops you from being able to eat as much, something that your will power does for you when you diet.

Your friend will be forced by the small size of her new stomach to be doing exactly what you did on your diet. Smaller portions therefore fewer calories.  At least get her to admit it's because she doesn't have the willpower instead of kidding herself that there is something about her that makes dieting "not work". The surgery is a very risky procedure, especially if she is that overweight.

She should be at a state of mind where she is being honest with herself if she is putting her life at such risk.

Once someone has made that type of choice, it's really hard to get them to see things any other way.

You could say, "Look, I'm only going to say this once . . ." Then explain that the surgery will be extremely risky and will only work if followed up by all the things she could do WITHOUT the surgery. Make it short and simple. Finish by saying that no matter what she decides, you will support her, but you wanted to make sure she understood that it won't be the surgery, but the required lifestyle changes, that will make the difference.

After that, let it go. sounds like a time to recite the serenity prayer and hope for the best.

It's hard for most people to change "habits" on their own.  Myself included.  I needed the support, help, and encouragement from my wife to stick to my weight loss plan.  I'm not a doctor, nor do I proclaim to know anything about psychology, but there is power in numbers.  My question would be does your friend have a significant other to assist in her quest to lose weight?  If so, talk to her significant other about the importance of supporting her in her quest to get healthier.  I have learned that how you eat is reflective of your habits.  A habit is an addiction.  And as we know an addiction is hard to break.  If your friend has no significant other to assist, maybe you could offer to exercise with her and teach her what and when to eat seeing as how your progress would make you a fantastic role model.  If your willing to devote this time to your friend, ask her for one month of working with you before she makes that final decision for surgery.   From experience with a close relative, the surgery can be for some that needed support or "crutch" to kick start their weight loss, but they still have to change what they eat.  The surgery is not permanent if you don't change your habits. 

I would make one last appeal to her. You could even start out the conversation with, "I'm not trying to judge you, but I can' t live with myself if I don't try to change your mind. Let me have this conversation with you once, and only once, and if you still want to do it after that, I will support you 100%"

Some evidence you can use to convince her not to:

Find the post on here from the lap-band woman who was complaining about how she's gained weight. Surgery isn't a 100% solution.

Find some of those WLS sites where the blog ends abruptly with, "Hello, this is So-And-So's husband. I just wanted to let you all know that So-And-So died yesterday, from malnutrition/complications/internal bleeding/etc". PEOPLE DIE FROM THIS!

And here's a true life story about how doing it this way is better: In January of 2005, I was considering weight loss surgery. I decided against it, and decided to start counting calories. In a year, I lost 80 pounds. Around the year mark, I decided to go back to the WLS sites I was visiting. One woman, who was my height and starting weight was talking about how she had lost so much weight in a year -- 50 pounds. 

I lost more weight than she did in a year, it was 100% free, there was no risk of death, and best of all, I don't have to explain my medical history to every new person I meet when they innocently inquire if I'd like something to eat.

I must add how inspiring your journey is. Am delighted that you have posted your success here. Congratulations.

In answer to your question, without knowing your friend it's really hard to know what to say.

I do know that failure is a direct result of giving up.

I agree w/ the above... You cannot change ppl's minds once they are set a certain way, nor can you make them be more motivated and more accountable.  Healthy weight loss takes dedication and patience... unfortunately some ppl don't have that.

The best you can do is say that you care and that you honestly worry about their health. 

This surgery isn't the answer.  My mother had it done and she gained almost all the weight back.  it pretty much makes you have an ED.  You eat a tiny bit and throw up.  It's absolutely disgusting. It's unhealthy in many ways.  My mother is anemic and has god knows what other health issues now.  Also, my aunt and cousin had the surgery done 3 times.... If you cannot train your mind to loose weight you will never train your body to keep it off.  Plain and simple. 

There is tons of "proof in the pudding" as my Gram use to say.  Show her ppl here (including yourself) that have done it.  Show her how they've done and hopefully she'll realize it just takes a life change, not a horrific amputation of your stomach.... to use another analogy from my Gram "No matter how much you polish s*** it's still just s***!"  You can cut apart your body, but really you're not changing anything...

So that I don't bog all of you down with individual replies, I'm going to do it in one...

fringe1000 I completely agree...I worry about what happens after surgery and I think both of our friends are heading for deep waters unless they really change their lifestyles.  Mine doesn't expercise and hasn't really given any type of eating plan a chance to work before giving up and saying it doesn't work.

luvmyboy, thank you and yes, I do plan on telling them that

cawilder that is a great idea, I'm going to include asking them to make a list of the pros and cons of the surgery and I'm also going to make one and then perhaps we can sit down and talk about it

jennpz89 also good comments, thank you

mkculs serenity prayer 10 times over!!

anderds1 yes, habits are hard to change...but they can be changed, it just takes a lot of hard work and determination to do so.  Unfortunately, this person is a long distance from me, so working side by side is not an option, trust me, if I could fly there I would.  And you're right, surgery is not permanent if you don't change what got you where you were in the first place.  I know someone who died from it and also my Dr. tells me people actully do gain the weight back! When I asked how, he said that if someone eats like 12 snickers bars a day, they can easily gain it back...he has seen it firsthand

zoraj Thank you for that link!  I am going to include that in my reply

kathygator thank you

jbalicki I know you can't change anyone that doesn't want to be changed. Perhaps sharing your Mom's story will help, if I have your permission to do so

Lastly, thank you all for your responses, you've given me a lot to work with!

Robbyn

 

 

When I was at my highest weight, losing 40kg seemed like such a huge hurdle to climb, and such a long road to travel, that if somebody had offered me an "easier" option, such as surgery, I would have taken it.  If I was still at that weight now, I would qualify for free lap band surgery on the National Health Service here in the UK, and people would have had a hard time to persuade me not to do it.

I am so very glad that I've done this by discovering a healthy lifestyle, however I do remember what my mindset used to be when I had so much weight to lose - it seemed impossible, and not worth even trying.  I wonder if your friend also feels daunted by the sheer amount of weight she has to lose.  Perhaps you could challenge her to try and lose a small amount - perhaps 20lbs or an appropropriate amount, by modifying her diet and taking exercise, and joining CC even.  If she learns to take heart from achieving small goals, she might continue down that road, and forget about the surgery.

Ultimately it's her choice, but you are such a good friend to care so much.  Good luck xx

I have been in a similar situation.  My best friend since we were ten (we're both 31 now) and I have both always struggled with weight. She was particularly bottom heavy, with very large hips, thighs, legs, and ankles. She went to a special lymph-edema clinic, as she was always told that it was excess fluid that made her legs large. Unfortunately, she was told that she had lipadema, instead of lymph-edema, which is an excess accumulation of fat that is very resistant to weight loss. She freaked. She made some half hearted attempts at dieting, but would never exercise, blaming her legs hurting, or her asthma for her reluctance to walk any further than around the block.

When this didn't work, she decided that surgery was her only option. After "doctor shopping" for a while, she found one who was willing to do the surgery. She was not a good candidate for surgery, as she had several bowel obstructions as a baby, and had had several feet of intestine removed already. She asked me what I thought about her having the surgery, and I gave her my honest opinion.  That I thought it was not a good idea for her with her medical history. That the doctor she had found is not a surgeon I would let come near me with a ten foot pole (I am a nurse in the ICU in one of the hospitals he works at, and he notoriously disappears when anything goes wrong with one of his patients, which is very often) that I have seen too many people die or have horrible consequences of this surgery.

She got very angry with me for "not being supportive" of her decision. I explained to her that of course this would be her decision to make, and that I would do my best to support her what ever decision she made but that she asked for my opinion and I gave her my honest opinion. As she made preparations for her surgery, six months of support groups, where they spent a lot of time telling her that if people weren't supportive, that the were just jealous, she and I grew apart somewhat. She turned down two jobs after graduating from college because if she got off of public assistance medical insurance, she might have to pay for part of the surgery. She gained about 50 more pounds, eating everything in sight before the surgery.

As her surgery approached, she became more and more distant. She stopped returning phone calls and I think she was screening most of my calls anyway. Our friendship became more and more strained. Eventually, she had the surgery,(which she didn't tell me about at the time) and about a month afterward, she called me and asked if she could come over for a visit (we live about an hour apart.) When she came, she looked about her usual size (pre- weight gain for surgery) and seemed to be fishing for complements. I knew she had had the surgery, due to comments like "I don't drink coke at all anymore" or "I don't eat this or that anymore."  

After about two hours of chit-chat, she finally told me that she had gone ahead and had the surgery without telling me.  She told me all about how I was wrong that she was going to have problems, That the surgeon just took out extra bowel as a "precaution," as  he did her appendix and gallbladder (gallbladders are often removed as part of a gastric bypass, but the only times I have heard of extra bowel or an appendix being removed is due to complications or surgeon error.) And that she had to be tube fed for a couple of weeks, but that she didn't consider these complications.

It has been about a year since her surgery, and she hasn't had any more major complications, but has alot of problems absorbing vitamins. She hasn't lost nearly as much weight as she hoped, and has lost some friends to boot. She doesn't seem to be the same person anymore. She seems to be sacrificing her health to be thin fast, and it is not working. She lashes out at anyone who doesn't constantly praise her weight loss, saying that they are jealous of her. Honestly, I miss the kind, generous fat girl who was my best friend since the fifth grade, and don't really care to be around the self-centered not-quite-skinny b*tch.

I wish I had something better to tell you, that I had done better in dealing with the situation, but I didn't. Congratulations on you weight loss, you are truly an inspiration. Feel free to contact me if there is anything else you would like to know or just want to talk to someone who has been in a similar situation.

wow Katie, what a story. I half heartedly considered lap band surgery but somehow had enough insight to realize that if i didn't stop the habits that got me here, the lapband wouldn't work at all. i know more people who have lost, then gained the weight back after weight loss surgery, than people who were successful. my best friend's mother is planning to do it and she's about my size, maybe a little smaller......i told her how i've lost 34 lbs in 3 months by counting calories...she has zero interest. i guess a switch has to go off in your brain to "get it." she's an emotional eater like me and it takes one to know one! i guarantee that my friend's mother will have complications or will stretch out her stomach.

ms robyn, its a shame your friend can't see the success you've had and find inspiration to follow your lead. you inspire me to continue!! i'm just beginning my journey and it hasn't been easy...i know it will probably get harder. i hope your friend has an "ah-ha!" moment.

Congratulations on your success at losing weight! I have just found this online tool and am anxious to get started. As I think about your friend, I think about what impact words from others had on me. I am not sure about you, but for me, their words were not really either frustrating or encouraging. The journey you have just been on - and I am starting - required committment from you. You cannot do it for your friend. So, like others have said, you can share this wonderful online tool, but it's up to them to make the committment. We can walk along side, and we might even be able to carry for a little while, but ultimately, they have to commit to walk the walk. Again, congrats! And wish me luck!

Congrats on your continued weight loss! 

I'm not sure there is anything you can tell your friend.   She may feel that it's hopeless on her own.  You may want to reinforce what her doctor will tell her- even with the surgery, she must take control of her eating- otherwise, she may lose in the short run only to gain it back.  The surgery is not a magical cure- it will only work if she does the hard work that goes along with it. 

Best of luck to her- and to you, too. 

Congrats on your fantastic weight loss!

Having said that, your friend needs to do things her own way.  Even though you have been very successful losing weight through this site, perhaps it is not the best way for her.  Many people have been successful with weight loss surgery and you should wish her well. 

It might not be the best choice for me or you, but maybe it is the best choice for her.  The good thing is that she is taking the first step in addressing her weight and that's a good decision.

We need to be a good friend even when we don't agree with a decision a friend is making.

Good luck! to both of you!!

One of my friends had the bypass, not the lapband.  His stomach, post surgery, was about the size of a walnut.  He's acutally managed to gain weight.  How?  He's decided that since he can't have solid food, he'll go for liquids.  He drinks really stout beers.  He likes the taste and it makes him feel full for a while. 

Original Post by katieydid2:

I have been in a similar situation. My best friend since we were ten (we're both 31 now) and I have both always struggled with weight. She was particularly bottom heavy, with very large hips, thighs, legs, and ankles. She went to a special lymph-edema clinic, as she was always told that it was excess fluid that made her legs large. Unfortunately, she was told that she had lipadema, instead of lymph-edema, which is an excess accumulation of fat that is very resistant to weight loss. She freaked. She made some half hearted attempts at dieting, but would never exercise, blaming her legs hurting, or her asthma for her reluctance to walk any further than around the block.

When this didn't work, she decided that surgery was her only option. After "doctor shopping" for a while, she found one who was willing to do the surgery. She was not a good candidate for surgery, as she had several bowel obstructions as a baby, and had had several feet of intestine removed already. She asked me what I thought about her having the surgery, and I gave her my honest opinion. That I thought it was not a good idea for her with her medical history. That the doctor she had found is not a surgeon I would let come near me with a ten foot pole (I am a nurse in the ICU in one of the hospitals he works at, and he notoriously disappears when anything goes wrong with one of his patients, which is very often) that I have seen too many people die or have horrible consequences of this surgery.

She got very angry with me for "not being supportive" of her decision. I explained to her that of course this would be her decision to make, and that I would do my best to support her what ever decision she made but that she asked for my opinion and I gave her my honest opinion. As she made preparations for her surgery, six months of support groups, where they spent a lot of time telling her that if people weren't supportive, that the were just jealous, she and I grew apart somewhat. She turned down two jobs after graduating from college because if she got off of public assistance medical insurance, she might have to pay for part of the surgery. She gained about 50 more pounds, eating everything in sight before the surgery.

As her surgery approached, she became more and more distant. She stopped returning phone calls and I think she was screening most of my calls anyway. Our friendship became more and more strained. Eventually, she had the surgery,(which she didn't tell me about at the time) and about a month afterward, she called me and asked if she could come over for a visit (we live about an hour apart.) When she came, she looked about her usual size (pre- weight gain for surgery) and seemed to be fishing for complements. I knew she had had the surgery, due to comments like "I don't drink coke at all anymore" or "I don't eat this or that anymore."

After about two hours of chit-chat, she finally told me that she had gone ahead and had the surgery without telling me. She told me all about how I was wrong that she was going to have problems, That the surgeon just took out extra bowel as a "precaution," as he did her appendix and gallbladder (gallbladders are often removed as part of a gastric bypass, but the only times I have heard of extra bowel or an appendix being removed is due to complications or surgeon error.) And that she had to be tube fed for a couple of weeks, but that she didn't consider these complications.

It has been about a year since her surgery, and she hasn't had any more major complications, but has alot of problems absorbing vitamins. She hasn't lost nearly as much weight as she hoped, and has lost some friends to boot. She doesn't seem to be the same person anymore. She seems to be sacrificing her health to be thin fast, and it is not working. She lashes out at anyone who doesn't constantly praise her weight loss, saying that they are jealous of her. Honestly, I miss the kind, generous fat girl who was my best friend since the fifth grade, and don't really care to be around the self-centered not-quite-skinny b*tch.

I wish I had something better to tell you, that I had done better in dealing with the situation, but I didn't. Congratulations on you weight loss, you are truly an inspiration. Feel free to contact me if there is anything else you would like to know or just want to talk to someone who has been in a similar situation.

Wow katiedid, what a story.....I'm sorry you lost your friend.  I'm guessing that deep down, she knows she took the easy way out and it isn't working like she thought it would...I'm going to guess she probably hasn't learned much about eating properly and while she may have given up some things, she hasn't changed those eating patterns much.  And, she probably wants those compliments as sort of a validation of what she's done.

One thing that my friends say about me, is that inside I've never changed, which according to them is a good thing.

Good luck with your friend!

Robbyn

Original Post by benpen:

 

ms robyn, its a shame your friend can't see the success you've had and find inspiration to follow your lead. you inspire me to continue!! i'm just beginning my journey and it hasn't been easy...i know it will probably get harder. i hope your friend has an "ah-ha!" moment.

Unfortunately this person has seen my success....we were at a family funeral earlier this year and a lot of my family who hadn't seen me in 5 plus years were all shocked when they did.  One didn't believe I'd done this on my own and probably still swears that I had weight loss surgery.

As for inspiration...you can do it!! Never give up and never lose focus on your goal!

Good luck

Robbyn

It's sad but true, there are several evil things seducing good people away from what works: eating healthy food in controlled portions and exercising more.

The one that bugs me most is "fat acceptance".  I'm all for body acceptance, because lord knows that no matter how thin I get I will never look like Brad Pitt.  And some people probably shouldn't be too thin - it's good to accept that we should all be uniquely built, but NAAFA urges people to "accept" morbid obesity and just eat as much as they like, so long as the food is "healthy".  Not good, IMO.

Another is the whole surgery route.  No matter that a significant % of people getting gastric surgery DIE.  Never mind that many people who lose lots of weight with bypasses end up regaining (Carnie Wilson). And then there's the horror show of bad lipo.

 

Oh, then there is the very common school of thought, especially among men in the US, that we should eat as much as we like and then just work out to burn it off.

Bad idea.  Exercise is great, but it tends to make you hungrier.  You still gotta watch what you eat.  I gained all my weight while continuing to be fairly active...

 

Then of course, there are the fad diets - they even have plenty of fans here.

 

The fact that I lost 100 lbs doesn't mean my way is right for everyone.  I am HUNGRY, EVERY DAY.  Not starving, but not quite satisfied most days. Not everyone is up for that.  The days I let myself splurge a bit make me feel like doing it every day.  I can certainly understand the desire to want an easy way out.

At some point you have to accept that people are going to do what they want, and the best you can do is put the best info at your disposal out there and hope that your loved ones will choose to do what works long-term.