Who do I tell?!

I've recently moved out of my family home and moved into a flat with 2 female housemates.  We're friends and get on well, but I've only known them for a couple of months.  They don't know about my past history with an eating disorder, to them I think I'm just a naturally skinny girl with a high metabolism (people are always surprised to see how much i eat!) but they don't know that I'm trying to gain weight.

They're both healthy weights, and very relaxed about food, so could be really good role models for me.  I think telling them about my ED and that I'm trying to gain weight might be a good idea, but I'm really scared about what they'll think of me - I don't want them to judge me for it, or be watching what I eat.  Because I'm very busy during the day I end up eating a lot of calories at night, but I feel self-conscious about doing it in front of them because (ED thought, I know!) I worry that they might think I'm greedy.  So I end up eating "secretly" in my room on my own, which then makes me feel guilty about eating, so I kind of can't win either way! 

Any advice on whether to tell them/ how they might react if other people have been in similar situations would be much appreciated! 

They may be the best support system you could have! If you feel comfortable telling them Do It! The more you admit to your eating disorder the better able you are to work it out. They will be there to let you know when you are getting obsessive or unhealthy just as much as they will let you know if you are doing well.

Just because you gain their confidence does not necessarily mean you can drop your issues directly onto them as well. Respect their rights to privacy and times when they may be unable to help you with your problem immediately. Don't use up their kindness. It sounds like you are ready to share and you need that truth in your life.

Go for the honesty! You can do it!

Maybe let them know that you just are trying to gain to reach a healthier weight. You don't need to tell them the whole history of your ED or how you lost the weight, just the simple truth- you are trying to gain. Don't worry, I wouldn't think they'd assume you are greedy :] 

Hi Lizzie - your situation does sound pretty sensitive and I would love to be able to offer advice but I am in a similar situation myself... well not that I am living with friends but am wondering how to tell one or two of my close friends what I have been through and how I am trying to recover (I developed my ED while overseas and have recently moved back home) but I feel ashamed of the ED and also just don't even know how to initiate the conversation and how they might react...

Sorry to not be able to help but if you find a good way to discuss it with them I would love to hear about it to see if I could do the same!

If you feel comfortable enough telling them this information I think it could be very useful for you. Its good that they have a healthy relationship with food and if they were aware of your problems then they would understand the way you eat a bit better. You wouldnt have to hide in your bedroom at night because they would know why you were eating more at nighttime, not that thats anything to be embarrassed about anyway, people have different eating patterns/habits anyhow.

It is quite an awkard topic to bring up though, maybe try bringing the conversation around some day to talking about like one of the Doves healthy campaign ad to get onto the subject and then go from there.

Original Post by lizzie492:

 I feel self-conscious about doing it in front of them because (ED thought, I know!) I worry that they might think I'm greedy. 

This is the part to sort out and it doesn't necessarily involve telling them about your eating disorder.  You have to start eating more in front of other people whether they know the reasons or not....  unless you're planning to tell everyone you have a meal with your medical history?

Truth is that most of us don't really care that much what others eat.  Most wouldn't even notice, let alone pass judgement that someone was 'greedy'.  And if anyone were to point out that you seem to eat a lot .... all you say is that yes, you're trying to gain some weight because you've been ill.   Which would be the truth.

like gi jane said god i always seem to be saying this:). i think its your ed making you belief you are to greedy , normal peole dont even think of this. if you feel ready to tell them do, you dont have to go into any detail, and they might even be able to support you. im pretty sure they will h xx

If you've only known them for a couple of months, sharing such intimate details may not be the best thing, especially if you don't want to constantly be judged or watched while eating.

If they ask, just say you're trying to add a couple of pounds because you feel better with a bit more weight on.  It's just that you're doing it with healthier foods, so the volume is bigger (I'm assuming this, of course).

Don't feel pressure to delve into too much detail, or you may feel like you're re-living the worst of your ED.

When in a new social situation, we always want to feel accepted, and that may lead us to put pressure on ourselves. But if they've taken you as a roomate, they've already accepted you and you don't have anything to prove. So relax, try to be happy, and enjoy your mealtimes at home. :)

Hi Lizzie,

Back when I was in school, I had roomates and felt self consious about being really skinny and having to have a special diet because of my medical condition.  It was hard because I'd get comments like "omg why do you eat healthy you can eat McDonalds every day you need it!" 

and those comments hurt...but as soon as I explained my situation and said that I am trying to gain weight, I can't tell you how much more relaxed and AT HOME I felt.

If you feel comfortable opening up to them go ahead and do it.  It will be a relief off your back and you won't feel as self conscious.

Don't feel self conscious, be open with them and I promise you they will not judge you...be strong, you'll get through this and feel free to message me anytime.

Thanks for all your thoughtful comments.  I agree I do need to get over my issue with eating in front of people - I eat what I consider to be "normal" meals in front of people (although this hasn't always been the case - and I do still struggle as people tend to comment i suppose because i'm still thin "hungry are you?  where do you put it all?!" etc!) - it's when it comes to eating in the evening when I always seem to end up with calories left over that I have to eat to gain - if my flatmates aren't eating I feel self-conscious about it.  I still haven't decided what to do yet, but I quite like the idea of saying I'm trying to gain to get to a healthy weight because I lost a lot of weight when I was ill.  Like you say, it isn't a lie, but it means I might feel more at ease without having to reveal more than I feel comfortable with just yet.  Thanks again for the support xx

It's always difficult to know what to say - I'm also moving out of the family home and going to university in less than a week so hoping that will go well!

Like you, I think I'll play it cool for a bit until I trust my new flatmates more...

But I did also have the issue of figuring out what to say when I got into a new relationship near the beginning of recovery (looking back, definitely NOT a good time!) I decided to say that I'd been quite ill for the last couple of years and had ended up underweight. Then gradually told him a bit more of the story as time went by. That approach worked well for me - hope it does for you too! Let us know how it goes :)