I recently had a fling with a guy who lives in England. We keep in touch, but don't have a relationship. I just found out that I'm pregnant. Besides how much this sucks for me (I'm in debt, have NO HEALTH INSURANCE!, I'm single and I quit my job about six months ago and returned to school to pursue a PhD - goodbye dreams!), I know for sure he will be miserable. He once mentioned he'd rather get an STD than get a girl pregnant at this stage in his life. He's such a bachelor and a traveler and doesn't need this tying him down. Not to mention, he can't do anything to support me anyway b/c he lives 4000 miles away!
Right now I feel like I have so many emotions of my own, I can barely handle that. But him being miserable would add so much more pressure and make me feel guilty on top of everything else. I really think it would be easier not to tell him. But is that morally wrong? Even if he probably doesn't want to know?
PS - I know it's pretty much everyone's kneejerk reaction to think "yes, you have to tell him!", but I'm the one who will be dealing with this, not him.
PPS - Just in case anyone might mention my 'options', I cannot have an abortion.
Reason: Removed Sticky 2009-11-16
If you're having the baby tell the father. He has the right to know and often things are easier to figure out with two people involved.
To answer your question, he absolutely has the right to know his baby will be coming into the world. The child also has the right to be supported by BOTH parents. It would be selfish of you to prevent your child from receiving support in whatever form it is given.
I hope there will be a good outcome for all involved.
It is okay to wait a little while to tell him. You get to make the choice what to do with the pregnancy, and you've decided to have the baby. So it really doesn't matter if you tell him now or three months from now, either way this little bun is still happening.
You do need to tell him, but here's why I think you can wait: you are under incredible stress from the sound of it (BTW depending on what state you live in you may be able to get health insurance through the state asap since you are preggers). You need some time to figure some things out for you first, to get your feet firmly under you and have a good support system for yourself before dealing with someone else's emotions.
I would say maybe set a deadline 1,2,3 months from now to call him. Mark it on the calendar, and then use that time to focus on you!!! Find out about health insurance, try and get some sort of job or financial aid. Figure out what you need to support yourself and the baby. Get the people who support you around you. Whatever it is focus on what you and the kiddo are going to need.
I'm sure like everyone you've heard this 100 times... but you cant control him, or his reaction. All you can control is you. So take good care of yourself now. When you do tell him, he will feel how he wants, but unless you poked holes in a diaphragm.. you are not responsible for his feelings.
xoxox
Why would you feel guilty if he was upset? Had you any plans to ever meet up again? Or was it a 'one-off' fling and away he went? I agree with the pp-ers, you need to take a break and sort your own feelings out. If you are 100% sure you're keeping the baby (and by the sounds of it you are?), then find out exactly what kind of support/medical care you can get. Once you've sorted out the practical side of things, it might help you get your head around this?
Then (I personally) think you should tell him. Even if he doesn't want to know, you'll have the satisfaction (not sure if thats the right word) of at least letting him know that theres a part of him out there. It would be to your advantage too to find out a little about his family's medical history as well if possible? You'll be asked pretty detailed questions at your ante-natal appointments, and it'll help them if you know if theres any history of illness or genetic conditions? Plus- he may surprise you. Of course he'll be shocked at first, but unless he's had a vasectomy- then this happening was ALWAYS a possibility? To say he'd rather have an std than get someone pregnant was bizarre? How are the two even on the same ball-park?!?! Anyway- as I said- he may surprise you and want to support you when he gets over the shock? And if he doesn't, maybe his family will- the child has grandparents too you know?
Take a few weeks. Get your head around this amazing event, and good luck whatever happens!
Something you need to keep in mind: Not telling him not only deprives him of the chance to know his child, but you will be depriving your child the chance to know his/her father. I know you may feel guilty about telling him because he will be upset, but it takes two to tango. This is just as much his responsibility as it is yours. I know he lives far away, but he still has a responsibility to the child. Perhaps you can work something out. You honestly don't know how he will deal with it until you tell him.
To address the only 2 questions you asked.
Yes it is morally wrong to not tell a person you conceived a child with him. For Him and the child. For him because you make the choice of him not being involve din the child's life for him rather than allowing him to make it. And wrong because that child doesn't have a choice.
Whether he 'wants' to know or not he should. It sounds like he doens't want to take any responsibility of making a chioce byeond his penis. Unless you raped him, he knew what the outcome could have possibly been.
Since you are keeping the baby (which I commend you for). The first thing you need to do is seek some kind of assistance or free clinic so you can get the necessary medical help. Also tell someone you know and love that will support you.
Seriously if you're intending having the child you have to tell the father,quite apart from anything else he may be able to help financially. It takes two to make a baby so I wouldn't be worried about his reaction. You don't say how far along you are? But I agree take a while to get used to this news and change in your life your self before telling him then that way you will feel stronger and more able to cope with his reaction.
Good Luck
Thank you everyone for your replies. Obviously there is something hormonal going on because I feel like you're all my best friends and I love you and I can't stop crying. How many more months of this...?!
I'm definitely going to figure out what medical attention I can get and make a little life plan before I talk to him. By then I hope I will feel more in control and less helpless. I peed on a stick about week ago, and a clinic made it official exactly yesterday, so I still feel overwhelmed to put it mildly.
I especially wanted to thank the people who brought up the baby deserving its father as well as mother. I still don't know if baby will get a father or how often baby'll see him, but I can't have that guilt on my shoulders alone. To be honest (and let's hope this doesn't indicate what sort of mother I'll be), I haven't really thought about the baby at all until now. All week I've been so wrapped up in what this means for me and my life, I hadn't even pictured the baby as a real child until I read these responses. God, I can't believe it.
So you lot of strangers are the first to know, but that went well. Next to know is my hairdresser b/c I've been googling this pregnancy business and apparently I'm not allowed to get my hair dyed?! Nine months of roots?! Poor hairdresser has a big problem on her hands.
Thank you all again. God bless.
I have no idea how it works internationally, but since the father is English, does that have any bearing on the healthcare of his unborn baby? I mean they have national healthcare, and this baby will be a dual citizen, so ....? Just a crazy thought.
Original Post by huggitbear:
I have no idea how it works internationally, but since the father is English, does that have any bearing on the healthcare of his unborn baby? I mean they have national healthcare, and this baby will be a dual citizen, so ....? Just a crazy thought.
He's Irish not English, but I think he would still get national healthcare. The problem is I would obviously have to move to England or Ireland and I can't imagine moving away from all my family and friends during this pregnancy. Or even afterwards as I'm raising the child. I will need them. He can provide me health insurance, yes. But he can't give me the support I need emotionally. And really, he would have to offer in the first place, which I don't imagine he will.
I'm a bit curious. How old are you? I assumed atleast 18 since you have 'debt' like most adults do. I think that whole hair dying thing is just an old wives tale. I suggest reading a few pregnancy books and embracing this new life.
amayou82-
I'm 25 and he's 29. So we're not kids. But at the moment I feel about as ready and prepared to have a baby as a sixteen-year-old might. Except a sixteen-year-old would still live off of her parents and not have debts to pay. I have debt from undergrad and quite a bit of credit card debt as well.
The hairdresser thing was sort of a joke (I know it's hard to tell in text format). I'm just relying on my mad sense of humor to keep from losing it. 
Bless you, just remember, corny but true, whatever doesn't kill you outright helps you grow xxx
I agree with the previous posters. He needs to at least be given a chance to be a decent guy about this, and if you do your best to allow him to get involved, you will not have any nagging guilts. It would be shameful of him to do nothing, but then again that is how some of these guys are being raised nowadays, valuing freedom over commitments. Pretending to be 19 when they are 39. (Don't worry, I'm not a man basher). He will have a choice to act like a man. If he does, wonderful for your kid, if not, at least your kid will know that you tried and hopefully one day realize that none of it is his/her or your fault.
I also commend you for keeping this child, and hope that you find some free services. I would feel the same way, cause I am 23 with plenty of college debt as well (went to grad school also) and would feel like a teen mom if I got pregnant. But I am glad you have family and friends to support you. Many services out there. Good luck!
I commend you and hope that you would keep this baby. Fate has a strange way of working; and with the warmth, emotion and protection of this new little life you're already becoming a mom.
Investigate health benefits and start eating right. there are otc pre-natal vitmains you can buy. tap into close family members for support.
TELL the father right away. You never know what he's going to say.
start thinking for two.
{{{toolatekate}}} I thought you could use a hug at this point!
Take good care of yourself!
Minimally, you need to get his family's medical history. And if you choose to raise the child yourself versus adoption I would ask that he agree to keep you updated of any family issues that occur down the road.( Even in the case of adoption as well, as I think you can still continue to provide important info to the agency even of its not an 'open' adoption). (As someone who has dealt with a few medical things in the past year, there are pages of family background that they ask for!)
Perhaps you could approach him with this as a non-threatening intro to building some type of minimal partnership. Be honest and let him know you're freaked out right now and are still processing it all as well. That you have no expectation of you and him ending up together (you know all guys fear pregnancy as a means of getting married!), but that you thought he had a right to know. But let him know that the medical history is something that you both owe the child.
My other thought, if he decides that he wants any level of a relationship with the child, is to stress how critical it is to be consistent. I have a friend in a similar situation in that the father is also out of the country. The poor child is so confused b/c the father will come and go in spurts in terms of contact. Finally the mom had to say that she wasn't going to let him talk to the child anymore for the immediate time being b/c he was so unpredictable and the kid was so upset/ didn't understand.
Just remember, you don't need to have every scenario worked out today, tomorrow, next month...it can be a slow evolution. It seems overwhelming now, but just break things out into smaller parts - don't put this pressure on yourself to have it all figured out immediately. Good luck!
yes! he deserves to know.
He's IRISH!! That makes a little difference? I speak as an Irishwoman. The healthcare situation is such that they pay for basic stuff such as prescriptions, doctors appointments etc, but all 'hospital' treatment is free. I live around the border and a lot of women actually come into Northern Ireland and pay a little extra for better care, and by 'better', I simply mean more appointments etc, not that they're better doctors- if that makes sense. Anyway, that means nothing to you unless you plan on moving here.
On the plus side- if he's Irish, the chances are he's Roman Catholic- not a big deal, but most guys I know here couldn't morally leave a mother & child to their own devices- their catholic guilt definately wouldn't let them, and the grandparents (if they knew) wouldn't let him either! LOL!
I hope the initial shock is wearing off, and you get your medical care sorted out soon. xx
I sent you a PM, hon. I really would love to hear back from you. Keep us posted on your situation. Hope you're doing okay!
