How to tell someone they're too big... help please

Given that I am a regular poster losing weight, this may seem like a very odd question, but I need some input: how do I tell someone they are too big?

I do chair massage in a number of government offices. The way it works is that I get a number of pre-booked appointments, then I head in to go fulfill those appointments.

At one office where I do massage, there is a gal who exceeds the weight limit of my chair. My chair can hold about 350lbs safely; she's over that amount. The first time she came in, I didn't say anything and just massaged her. The problem is that I didn't consider that the 350lb weight limit is meant to be the maximum COMBINED weight of the person receiving the massage and my massage pressure. In the end, her massage left my chair with some permanent damage and I may need to get a new chair.

The second time I went into the office, someone had left a lounge chair in the room, so when she came in, I asked her if she would mind reclining because it gave me better access to her lower back. She was delighted with that and it worked out well. The problem is that the lounge chair has been removed and no one knows where it's gone, so I can't use it again.

I'm due to go back into the office soon and I just don't know a good way to gently find a way to tell her we need to use something other than my chair. I spoke with the office manager about finding another seat, but because it's a governent office, there's limited availability on alternate chairs. I don't want to drop her as a client - I am sure that she benefits from the massage - but I also don't want to risk my chair.

Is there any sort of subtle way anyone can suggest I approach this?

I'd just be honest with her.  Explain to her the weight limit on the chair, and ask her if she has any suggestions for an alternative surface.  It's never any fun to tell someone that they weigh too much to do something, but there's no way to sugar coat it.  By being straight forward I think you make it less of an issue than by trying any "beating around the bush" ways of talking to her.

I don't know that there is any gentle way to let someone know they are simply too big for a certain service, or chair for that matter.  Surely she must have had a doctor tell her that her weight is dangerous and she should definitely try losing weight.  Furthermore, I'm sure it would come as no surprise to her if someone told her she was obese.  I mean, she must look in the mirror from time to time, let alone try to squeeze into a pair of pants.  I think that a professional approach would help; offer to keep giving her massages (on a different surface than a chair), but also advise in a friendly, encouraging manner that there are a lot of great products and fitness resources now-a-days to help her lose weight and become more healthy.  Try to sound empathetic and to come across as though you care about her health.  She may be offended at first, but on the other hand, she may take it into consideration.  I think honesty is the best policy.  If she is angry or put off or even leaves your services, then I think it is her problem to deal with, not yours.  You should not have to replace chairs and pay damage for people who are simply too large to sit in them.

If there is no subtle way around things, then I think you will have to be straight up, and keep it quite straightforward and to the point. Maybe something to the effect of "this chair is designed for people with smaller frames, I wonder if we could instead use..." etc. Don't beat around the bush trying to somehow lead to a solution, because you might get "talked into a corner", and when you finally have to admit the problem it will be so much worse, on both of you. She will no doubt be embarassed-who wouldn't be? But you can only go so far in trying to spare someones feelings.

I would also suggest not going too far in trying to sound sympathetic or "cheerful", as I'm sure this woman does not want to think that someone else is feeling sorry for her, or feels awkward themselves. Just very neutral, "this is the situation, what is a solution we can come up with".

I personally would not make any suggestions of weight loss, she is presumably having this massage to relax, and I'd imagine it would be very uncomfortable having a massage from someone that is telling them they need to lose weight-unless she has a fantastic rapport with that person. I'm sure that at her size, she is already well aware.  

Do not offer her advice about losing weight if she doesn't ask. That may come off as being remarkably rude.

I would probably let her know that you're trying to find a chair alternative for her because your chair's weight limit is too low for her and would appreciate any help or suggestions she could make to find a seating option that will work for her.

If she says, Well I sat on that chair before. I'd respond, Yes, and I didn't realize at the time that it has a weight limit of 350 pounds total weight and massage pressure. My chair is slightly damaged now and I certainly don't want to risk an injury to you or someone else if it should collapse.

I also would not make any suggestions about how to lose weight. Without knowing any details of her life other than her size, I'm not qualified.  But I know events like this can be the catalyst that makes a person get serious about losing weight.  For me, one such event was when I had to ask for an extender belt on an airline because the regular seatbelt wouldn't clasp...  It was about an inch short on me... so humiliating....  I sure did not blame the airplane!

I imagine that this woman has faced prior circumstances where her size limited her ability to participate in certain things.  She will most likely not be very surprised when you inform her about the situation with the chair.

Boy, you were given some wonderful help on this one!  I especially liked plaidpooka's idea of explaining "to her the weight limit on the chair, and ask her if she has any suggestions for an alternative surface," as well as cellar_door's suggesting something like "this chair is designed for people with smaller frames, I wonder if we could instead use..."  I tried putting myself in the place of your client, and I would be most receptive and less embarrassed by either of these approaches.  I know none of us wants to be hurtful or rude, but on the other hand, it's not helpful to "enable" someone who has a problem (whatever that might be) by skirting the real issue.  I think it can be done kindly.      &n bsp;   Good luck!

Susan

I honestly think that you will lose her as a client if you do tell her that she is too heavy for your chair, no matter how nicely you put it.   Even if she does take it graciously, she may be too embarassed to return.

1. Just be as sincere as you possibly can... "Ma'am, I do not mean to offend you in any way, but as a professional masseuse, I need to inform you that my chair has a weight limit of 350lb. I do not have good judgement of other's weight, but if this could pose a problem, would you kindly tell me so we may arrange to have the massage on another surface. Again, excuse me for causing you any embarrassment."

2. Don't say this in the presence of others. That would be utmost inconsiderate.

3. Don't mention it again throughout the appointment, unless absolutely necessary.

4. At the end, tell her "Thank you and please come again" unless she really caused you problems.

5. Of course, if you'd rather lose a chair (on a regular basis) than risk losing a client forever, then say nothing or get a more durable chair.

I ran into a similar problem a few years back but I was the one that was too heavy for the equipment. I had won vouchers for free tanning sessions. I called and made my appointments with the receptionist. I lived in a small town so the studios owner knew who I was and my size. Fortunately for her, she was a friend of my nieces so she called and told her, asking her advice as to how to handle the situation. Maybe wanting to know how sensitive I was or maybe how bad a temper I had. LOL...Anyway, my niece told me and I completely understood. I called the lady and told her it was no problem, after all, how embarrassed would I be if I had broken the bed. I would take the lady aside and explain the situation. Tell her you would love to continue the treatments but you cant risk your expensive chair. Suggest she take the idea to her superiors and maybe they will help by furnishing her with a chair that would be suitable or maybe finding and returning the one that has been removed. Theres no way to know how she will react for sure, but Im inclined to think that she would be so much better off hearing that than suffering the embarrassment of breaking the chair for all to see. Good luck!

Cremation services increase at 250 lbs.  We've been looking into them for family.  Airline seats, it's all a difference!  What a shame, because it's wrong to discriminate.

Is there any sort of subtle way anyone can suggest I approach this?

Subtle is not the best way to go. It sounds like the most important thing is to keep from offending her, which is not always the same thing as subtle. She already knows that she's fat. If she senses you beating around the bush (and she would), she would infer that being fat is something so embarrassing that you cannot talk about it directly. Then she will be embarrassed.

Here is the key: You need to be the leader in the conversation. That means being sure of yourself and not worrying about hurting her feelings. You can and should _consider_ her feelings, but you must make a decision about what you are going to do instead of experiencing the emotion of anxiety regarding her reaction. Once you have decided on the best course of action and firmly committed yourself to it, you can and will stop worrying.

1. Decide if you're going to just buy a chair or try to get the office to provide one. If your hourly rates justify buying a sturdy portable chair just for her, then do it. If they do not, inform the office that in order to perform services on her, you will need them to provide a chair. Someone has got to take responsibility for the chair, and the less ambiguity there is about who should do it, the better. Call tomorrow morning.

2. Will you have the chair by the next time you see her for an appointment?

2a. Yes: Say, "Hi Lucy. Here is the new chair we will be using. It has a maximum weight rating that will accomodate you. Please take a seat and we will get started." Then gesture to the chair. Smile and make good eye contact as you are saying this. If you need to, practice that phrase in front of a mirror so that you can say it without sounding nervous. Speak slowly and confidently.

2b. No: Say, "Hi Lucy. I have requested a new chair with a maximum weight rating that will accomodate you. It isn't here yet, so we have to skip our session for today. I will see you again next Monday." Smile and make good eye contact as you are saying this. Then, turn away from her and go on to your next client, or set up your chair, or do something that needs doing.

In both cases, you are using your air of professional knowledge and leadership to make sure your client always feels like there is something she ought to be doing. When you are talking, she will be listening. When you finish talking, she will feel OK about getting right into the chair without saying anything, which is what she really wants to do anyway. The key is showing (not telling) her that her weight is a fact that has already been dealt with, and then making her feel comfortable leaving the conversation without feeling like she has to respond to you in any way.

You can make idle chit chat later when the immediacy of the moment has faded.

wow bugmenot, my response totally pales in comparison to yours. Good solution!

I think bugmenot's response is on the right track here! The only thing I would add is to make sure that she doesn't feel like there is a lot of trouble/expense being gone to in trying to get a different chair. If another chair does need to be purchased for her, I wouldn't let her know this, if possible. For instance, if the company agrees to purchase a new chair but it takes some time to arrive, you could say something like "I've requested a different chair, unfortunately it didn't get here today...", rather than "We've ordered another chair..." A subtle difference, but it could take a bit of the sting out for her.

I like bugmenot's advice, except for one thing -- if you have a new chair that can accomodate her weight before the next appointment, why mention it to her at all?  No reason to point out the weight issue when it's already been dealt with.  I know that in her situation, I'd be unlikely even to notice it was a new chair, and if I noticed and asked I'd much rather hear "Yup, brand new chair, I hope you find it comfortable!" rather than "Yes, this one will hold you without breaking."  I say leave potentially hurtful issues out of it as much as you can.

If you don't have the chair yet, and there isn't another surface to use, it'd probably be better to reschedule the appointment before she shows up, too.  I'd be annoyed to arrange m y day for an appointment and get out there before I  found out I could have been doing other things.

Do not use "It has a maximum weight rating that will accomodate you." or "I've requested a new chair with a maximum weight rating..." A more comfortable chair, a better fit, whatever, would be much better.

Really, if you don't want to offend her -- she already knows she's overweight -- it might be better to say that YOU need a different setup  on which to work on her, that you feel you can do a better job with her on a different surface. (And this is, after all, true; you will be more relaxed and not worrying about the chair and will be free to apply the necessary pressure.)

I like ninjakoneko's suggestion for what to say if you do get a new chair.

I have such mixed feelings about this whole thing...

on the one hand, calling her fat--or even heavy--is considered rude and insensitive. it's like violating basic human rights, and you risk discriminating someone.

on the other hand, fat and heavy are just facts about her. we speak nothing but factually, yet we have to tip-toe around her for fear of any negative emotions that we might arouse in her. it's not as though she's not partly responsible for being obese.

it seems to me that if we can tell her she's heavy without any prejudice, then she should be able to receive it without any hurt feelings and embarrassment. Yet because 'fat' has such an inherently negative cannotation that it's virtually impossible to use it neutrally.

there isn't really a "right" answer to this either... it's just frustrating because there are only "better" ways to deal with this situation, but no real "good" way. what do you guys think?

Tell her about this SITE.. but jsut say that you care about your clietns and you are worried about her health.. say health not weight.... it will work..

Thank you EVERYONE for your insight... now if only I could get one of you to go handle the appointment for me...

As an aside, I am not buying a chair to accomodate her weight. The starting price for a chair that would accomodate her is $800 plus taxes and shipping. She currently pays $15 per visit.

Just as a side note, something no one has asked, but has weighed heavily on my conscience from my first post - when I spoke with the office manager, I was very discreet about finding a different chair. I didn't say I needed a chair for "Lucy," just that I needed a more stable chair for one of the gals I massage. *whew* I feel better now.

What I have decided to do is ask the office manager to see if she can track down that lounge chair because one of the gals isn't suited for my chair. If that lounge seat isn't to be found, I'm going to speak with the gal directly and ask her to straddle an office chair instead of my massage chair because my chair won't accomodate her frame as securely as I would like. (I like the "frame" statement. It's more in line with how I would normally speak.)

I'm not going to bring up her weight or her health or CC or anything else for a few reasons. One reason is that it's outside my comfort zone to dispense or diagnose, even when it's patently obvious what a solution could be. Another reason is that for a ten-minute massage, I see her for twelve minutes TOTAL. There's no time to really chat unless I cut into the next person's time. The last main reason is that I go to the office to make people who are stressed out feel good. I frequently get life stories from people during the massage - this gal included - and I make a point in every massage to build people up, particularly when their life story tears them down from the inside.

Chair massage is something I do for me. My regular day job in perinatal health is often high stress, so I began doing chair massage as a way to keep my sanity together. I don't want to get involved in this lady's life, I just want to be respectful and leave her a little better than when I found her.

Thanks all!