to tell the truth or not???

do you really be honest here are do you pretend everything is hunky dory??(is that how u spell it?)

well here goes.  i screwed up big time.  a brief over view.  Niece on hubby's side is in the process of dying.  Not unexpected sick for over 1 yr.

we go to hospital yesterday afternoon to offer support.  btw I am a nurse with experience in hospice.  sooooooooooooo i mentally do the nursey things.  while she is non verbal and has eyes closed, she had signs & symptoms of pain.  so i ask when is the last time she had pain meds to immediate family.  "don't know" so i check with nursing staff. 0430 that morning.  did not reveal i was a nurse .  put was polite etc...

nurse comes in room & we are having a discussion between charge nurse & hubby of niece. 

My hubby gently pulls me back to stop my participation in the conversation. 

here's the real nut of it.  My husband and his family do not respect my nursing skills.  not the first time I thought that. (selfish of me i know in viewof circumstances to even be bothered by this) It is what it is.  the charge nurse told my nephew almost word for word what i had said about pain mangement.

Here's the deal.  Do I let someone suffer in pain because I offended the family by seeking help for her?  She has cancer and had surgery for broken hip 3 days ago.   I found no indications that she had been repositioned to avoid skin breakdown.  (she could linger for a while & avoiding skin problems is realistic need).  Her lips were dry and chapped.  she needed something to moisturize her mouth for comfort.    

I want to add that there were 9 adults in the room besides me.  they had been sitting with their mom/sis-in-law/wife since before noon.

what i did wrong was got up and left the room, shortly after that.  then my husband came out raising hell.  we ended up leaving without going  back into the room.  my hubby insisted.

all this to say potato chips were my friend at midnight.  having gone to bed praying for the situation at 10p.  woke up at midnight with a start, craving chips so i had them.  i know i sound nuts.  but this column is for Raving right. just writing this i wanna cry, for my niece, for my hubby(another time), for me trying to do what is right,  I feel angry. 

I believe in love & light just don't feel it right now,

marjg

not feeling very proud of sounding so selfish  but IT IS WHAT IT IS.

thanks

m

This situation must be really hard for you; I was in something similar years ago with my husband's grandmother.  I am not a nurse, but worked as an admin assistant for the VP of nursing at the hospital where she was.  She had pancreatitis and needed assistance eating, so every day at lunch I went up and fed her lunch for the 10 days she was there.  One day her granddaughter was there in the afternoon after I spent my half our of lunch trying to get her to eat, and she was very upset about something (can't remember exactly what).  When I tried to explain what the nurses were doing and what I had been doing, I got told flatly she was NOT my grandmother and to get out.  I left the room, too, like you, but I was more lucky--my husband was just as upset about how this cousin treated me as I was.  I did not stop talking to the nurses and I kept feeding her while she was there--no need to punish her for her granddaughter's idiocy, but when family was there I left. 

If I was you, I would still mention to the nurse privately if you think she needs meds, etc., but I would try not to make an issue of it with your husband's family because this cousin still won't talk to me very much.  Doesn't bother me because she is not part of my family's daily life and I know in my heart that I did for my husband's grandma what I could do.  I would have felt bad if I had let this cousin stop me from feeding her every day.  Also, I would talk to the member of the family that will be doing her medical decision making as time goes on and try to educate them to see the signs of what she needs.  They may not know or recognize those symptoms at all--pretty basic for nursing, but not for the general public.

I don't think you are being selfish; I think you have her best interests at heart and that is what you need to keep telling everyone; also realize that everyone is under a great deal of stress and many things get said that are not truly meant.  Hope this message helps you!

YES IT DOES HELP!!! When hurt or angry my life circumstances filters get out of whack.  I was debating going back or not.  Still not for sure, but am leaning toward another go at it.  later in the evening when hopefully not so many folks are around.  thanks for the support

love & light

marjg

marjg, you are in a tough spot, and it appears that your husband may be treating you like a child when he has no right to do that.  I am all in favor of avoiding confrontation, so I think it's a good plan to go back when the rest of the family is gone. 

The other good thing you can do for yourself is to purge your house of all the junk food like chips and other things that are too easy to snack on.  If they are not there, you won't eat them.  I still get the urge to snack, but now I find myself eating a couple of raisins, a pretzel, or a rice cake, because the bad stuff is not there to eat.