Do you tend to gain weight while in a long term relationship??

hey guys,

i just joined today and think its a wonderful idea to loose weight! especially now! im 5'2 and weigh 69kg and my goal weight should be around 50kg. I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 and a half years and when i started dating him i weighed like 50kg..i pretty much gained 19kg over the two years i was dating him. do u guys find that u tend to put on weight while in a long term relationship? im actually very scared about what my boyfriend thinks about my body, his never actually said ro go loose weight..but i def didnt look like this when he first started dating me! just wondering if u guys have had similar experiences?!? let me know :-)

Yep! I gained all my weight when I was with my last one and couldn't lose it again until I left him. So far with my current bf of 19mths I have managed to maintain my weight loss so fingers crossed.

hehe that was a quick response! did he ever discuss ur weight gain with you?? did you feel guilty for putting on all the weight, is that why u left him? im sort of in a rut! i figure he must still love me if his still with me but pretty concerned that he is finds me a lot less attractive now :-(

yes I tend to gain some weight while in relationships - i get comfortable, eat whatever he is eating, go out to dinner and drink a lot - although it definitely hasn't been 40 lbs or anything but enough to make me unhappy with it

OH GOD YES!! I weighed 130lbs when we met and it's be a year and a half since then and now i weigh 150! My bf never noticed, or at least claims he never noticed. Meanwhile i'm stomping around calling myself a walrus, saying "don't touch me i'm huge!" Could just be TOM emotions though. I know he still loves me its just a mental thing i need to get over.  

Definitely feel ya there... I hadn't seen this problem before and didn't think much of it since I had been gaining before I met him.  But now that I look back I see that I had stabalized and since being with him (a little over a yr now) I have gained almost 20lbs!  Of course he hasn't gained an ounce, problem is he is perfectly fine with my weight.  He doesn't think I should loose any but I have finally convinced him that I'm uncomfortable with my weight and it would be best that I at least loose the 20...

Yep! I have gained so much weight -- 40lbs or so in 4 years-- (and I'm getting married to the guy!) I'm trying to get back to the same size as I was before, but it's super hard. It is also because going from high school to college for me was a huge change in how active I was. In high school, I was in different sports (including track) and I just stopped everything.. I met my fiance about a year into college. I agree with jane41, that we probably just go with the flow and eat what he is eating, disregarding the fact that men are some kind of weird creatures that can eat and eat and not gain a thing. MY fiance always references my weight. He does it as a funny joke sort of thing, but he weighs less than I do now, so I really don't blame him. I certainly don't feel attractive, and of course if I ask him he's going to say "of course I'm still attracted to you". Honestly, my fiance and I still have a great time together...  I think women get more worried about that sort of stuff than men do (but I still want to lose weight!).

I was only 19 when I met my husband, so the entirety of my weight gain and subsequent loss has been while we were together. 

The biggest impact it had on my relationship was (as girlfighting mentioned) I didn't want to be physically close to him when I was bigger.  I felt ashamed and I disgusted myself.  It's hard to feel sexy like that.  The lack of intimacy, or my general disinterest, did -at times- put a strain on our relationship.  He didn't seem to care about the extra pounds.  He was still interested.

One of my co-workers started seriously dating someone about the time that I started getting into shape.  I think she found each pound that I lost along the way.  That was the most obvious relationship weight gain I've ever seen.

My husband also started putting on weight when he met me.  He says it's because I eat poorly and he used to eat very well.  He's since converted me to eating well... somewhat.

Yeah thats def true about women being more conscious about being attractive lelee...congrats on ur engagement by the way :) i think the reason why i started putting on weight was because my bf and i always went out to dinner! he also buys me chocolates quite often and whilst he eats all this junkfood, he just doesnt seem to put on weight since he is fairly active..meanwhile i will always eat with him and put on stacks of weight!

I feel the same way about the intimacy in our relationship. While we are are still intimate, im very particular about where he can touch me and yes i agree you cant feel all that sexy when your stomach is hanging out :-P im so glad i found this site! Hopefully it will give me some guidance and motivation

Boy oh boy did I put on weight!  I've been with my husband for nearly 5 years (married for almost 1).  I gained a good 40 pounds since he entered my life--and he did the same.  Most of the activities we enjoy doing together often involve some sort of food--going out to eat, trying new cuisine, cooking nice meals, movies (and the requisite popcorn)...

It's such a double-edged sword--on one hand, you're happy because someone loves you for you--not what you look like.  But on the other hand?  You want to be healthy.

You aren't imagining the connection between your weight gain and the relationship. There have been plenty of studies done proving this happens! Here's just one article that refers to this unwelcome side effect of love.

I think once you are in a long term relationship it is easier to overlook the physical things - you know the person and their personality and you love them for more than their hot bod. So when the weight goes on it is usually overlooked.

I figure I gained about 10 to 15 lbs over the last 3 years with my bf. I think the only reason I was able to lose the weight was because for the last year we've been long distance. I am just hoping that when I return to the same city and move in with him in January that I can keep my new healthy habits and not fall back into enjoying heaping plates of creamy pasta dinners and pizza with garlic bread while we cuddle on the couch. (But boy oh boy that does that sound nice!)

The big issue I have is portions - I want to eat as much as him - but that just isn't possible in order to have any kind of stop to weight gain (and it is NOT FAIR). Plus you have to balance the other persons wants for meals - and salads and salmon are is not always going to be his top choice.

Quite the balancing act it all is.

Yep! I met my (now husband) when I was 20 yrs old and about 130-135 lbs. We just got married in May and this summer my weight maxed out around 176! (20 lbs of that was over the past 8 months or so while I was stressing about planning the wedding!). He loves me for who I am, but still encourages me to be healthier. It would work a little better if he would work out with me when he says he will or if he didn't suggest fast food and going out to eat... but oh well. Lately I've been doing better at encouraging healthy eating choices.

He complains that he's gained weight too since we met.. but really he's just filled out... like his chest and legs used to be scrawnier and I think he's gotten an inch taller, but he's still pretty slim. But when we met his pants were a 30-32 waist and now he's a 36.

Being comfortable, going out more, and spending free time with a sig other (instead of the gym) just seems to be a common side effect of a relationship.

I've actually lost about 7 lbs since I started dating my bf about 6 months ago.  It isn't because of the relationship though, it's because I wasn't (and still am not quite) at my goal weight.  He is actually quite health conscious, works out frequently etc, so it isn't that difficult for me to stay active and watch what I eat while with him.  It is a bit tougher because we do tend to eat out a lot, but I manage.  I do know, however, that if I weren't paying really close attention, I'd definitely gain weight.  Although I might do that regardless of the relationship, lol.

Well I guess I'd like to go against the grain a little and say I was 155 lbs when I started dating my bf a year ago, and now I'm down to just under 115... I couldn't have gotten to where I am without him being there to support me and work out with me and make healthier choices with me. It's something we've actually really bonded on (him gaining muscle, me losing weight, both of us being healthier than we've ever been before) We really love sushi but other than that we try to only go out to eat once a week (monetary reasons, too!) so our form of daily recreation comes in the form of exercising outside or at the gym, and hike/backpack when we get the chance. It's been a really great thing to do together--change our lives for the better as we start a new life together.

I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. I was very active and physically fit when we met. I ran 4-5 miles several times a week, lifted weights, and did pilates. After we started dating, I began to gain some weight - maxing out at about 10 lbs heavier than when we met. I think the initial and main reasons were: 1) I wanted to spend all my time with him. I stopped doing as many activities on my own. My boyfriend does not run or work out, because his work is manual labor intensive. So I stopped running and working out, and instead did things with him. 2) Because I was always with him, I ate with him and LIKE him! Not a good idea. Larger portions, less healthy foods, etc. I too began to feel self conscious and unhappy about my weight. I was self-critical and didn't feel as sexy. BUT my boyfriend was never less attracted to me, and I doubt yours is either. All my worries came from my OWN insecurities. I projected them onto him, "He doesn't like the way I look," "He won't think I'm sexy anymore," "He'll lose interest." But this was just not the case. He NEVER complained about my change in appearance, he never lost insterest, he still thought I was sexy. For me, the problem was NOT that my boyfriend was unhappy with me, but that I was unhappy with myself. I had given up something that was important to me. Women are often sacrificing by nature, and I have sacrificed something I loved (exercising) to that I could spend every waking minute with my boyfriend. When I changed my mindset and began to lose weight because I wanted to, not to please someone else, was when I really had success. I enjoyed reclaiming activities that I loved, and even enjoyed the time alone. My weight still goes up and down. My boyfriend appreciates me when I am in shape and compliments my efforts ("Wow, you butt feels firmer, your arms are looking stronger) but he is also happy and appreciative of my body when it is not as toned! He loves me, and that love doesn't change based on how I look. What I have noticed, is my boyfriend is happiest with me when I am happiest with myself. So do what makes you feel good about your body! If that means losing some weight, then go for it! If you are truly happy as you are, and your boyfriend really loves you, then stop worrying! If are happy with your body, then you will be happy and confident in life, and that will make your boyfriend happy as well.

Hi,

I met my Boyfriend, February 2007, I weighed 142 pounds (I was 30 years and 5'4"). I gained 10 pounds by Christmas 2007. I started losing weight in February 2008, now I weight 118 pounds + gained a lot of muscle from working out and lifting weights.

My boyfriend went from 210 (46 years old and 6'3") to 245 in 8 months. Now he weighs 225 pounds. He lost it in about 4 months.

My brother and his girlfriend both gained 20-30 + pounds in the last year, but they eat a lot of unhealthy foods and don't exercises - they don't even walk anywhere. My brother is now considered  to be obese and his girlfriend is now overweight, she use to be very thin.

I completely agree with erinalene.  I gained a lot I mean A LOT of weight, went from 140 to 190!!!  I am currently at 166 and trying to go down, i keep waivering between 150 and 165, so I am getting discouraged.  I will persevere tho!  I do the FIRM workouts and I LOVE them and I love the time alone.  I did the whole, be with ur man 24-7 and eat what he eats and do what he does, that DOESN"T work!!!  Men suck!  They can eat what they want and ot gain.  We on the other hand, cant.  All i can say is that erinalene is totally right on!  If you are happy they are happy.  Even when you are not happy with yourself they still look at you the same way.  Think about it this way.  If your husband/boyfriend gained 20 lbs would you think differently of him?  Probably not.

im 5'2 as well, and have been with my boyfriend for 2 years.

when we started dating, i was 139, now i'm 168.

woops.

it just kind of crept up slowly.

he used to swim in college and now cannot (hes over his 4 year limit), and so does not exercise at all, so he has lost a significant amount of muscle. it is sad, but makes me feel a little better.

we're both going to try to get back in shape starting this next semester though.

Monogamy makes me gain weight. I stifle my natural desire for sexual variety by eating unhealthy, fatty, hedonistically satisfying food until my belly is stuffed, which "takes the edge off". I gained 40-55 lbs in my current relationship (can't remember my exact starting weight, it was a long time ago). It's the only relationship in which I've gained this much weight, and it's also the only relationship in which I've been monogamous.

Since I lost 50 lbs last year, I've found myself having all sorts of "hot flashes" (not the menopausal kind) around other people. Developing crushes, fantasies, random urges etc. that I never had before. Possibly it's stoked by the way people react differently to me now (I don't get automatically desexualized due to my weight anymore) and maybe also because I have more confidence in my attractiveness, but man oh man have I had to fight myself. Thank goodness there is not any direct evidence that the people I want also want me, or things might get dicey. Already, when I get too overheated, I wind up eating again - which has made my weight loss stall out and caused me lots of stress. And I only wish that I could turn some of this energy toward my loving partner - but somehow that idea is a non-starter. Not sure why, but it's like dropping a bucket of ice water down my pants. (Full disclosure - as I gained my weight, BF gained too, and he has not lost his. He has been 100% supportive of me then and now, and I, too, make a point of accepting and loving him as he is.)

Anyone else going through this? Any advice?

Original Post by trustwomen:

Thank goodness there is not any direct evidence that the people I want also want me, or things might get dicey. <snip>

Anyone else going through this? Any advice?

Are you with the right person? I think almost everyone looks at and enjoys watching the opposite sex (or not opposite), but to act on it puts so much at risk. I'm very fortunate that I'm with the greatest guy in the world and I would not hurt him for anything.

That said, if he suddenly gained a bunch of weight and started to turn me off physically, I'd still love him as much. But I can understand that it would be harder to maintain as much enthusiasm for making love.

If you think you are with the right guy, my advise is to fantasize like crazy and try as much as possible to lead him into that healthy lifestyle you have now.

Thanks, shoe.

I am already following both of your pieces of sound advice, though the fantasizing actually makes the desires worse, not better (no catharsis there). I think I am with the right person inasmuch as we love and are devoted to each other, we get along great, etc. Breaking up would devastate both of us and I am not sure I would ever be able to find someone as compatible in terms of life plans, approaches to things, basic values, etc.  Plus he's funny, smart, generous, I love the way he smells and he's going to be a great dad. And honestly, he has the potential to be really hot (he has what I like otherwise, if you know what I mean). It's just that it's been over a year since I changed my lifestyle and his changes have been much smaller - I honestly don't think he has the same level of motivation.

I am not looking to act on these hot flashes, believe me. I am also really good at hiding them, which is good because I fear discovery - if they were reciprocated, there could be problems, yet if they weren't, I'd be crushed - so better not to know. And usually my focus doesn't last long anyway - I know this - after a week or so I've simmered down/lost interest (though one in particular has been possessing me for weeks now, which might be why I am spilling my guts on an internet forum). So I try to talk myself out of my tree, if you know what I mean - but all too often, with the help of fettucine alfredo.