thin, fat, curvy, athletic.... why can't we ever be good enough?

I am a rower and i have had an eating disorder for the past 2 years or so.

I am constantly battling the urge to starve and give in to bulimia.

I am now doing very well at eating carbs and eating fats to support my heavy training load.

The only thing that continuously comes up is : what makes a woman attractive???

I keep seeing very thin women in magazines.. and men telling me they don't like them. But at the same time they don't like overweight women.

I then ask them what about athletes? They say "Oh yes they are great, but not too muscular"

TOO muscular? So you mean tennis players, swimmers, volleyball players and anything sport that keeps women thin and not too ripped.

So what about rowers, sprinters, marathon runners?

I feel like i can't be too thin, but at the same time i can't be too musclular...

So how am  i gonna achieve my goals as a rower without being ignored by the opposite sex?

Does anyone else feel like this.. like you just can't win.. i feel like men just want women to be not too this and not too that.. how is that possible???

I feel that way . . . I consider myself to be very athletic, even though I don't look muscular or am thin (by any sense of the word).  But I have endurance and I have strength.  But with the opposit sex, it seems that they love looking at the magazine covers instead of appreciating what they have in front of them.  I don't think they realize how it makes us feel when they 'stare' at the magazine covers.  It is like a conflict of interest!!

We should all just try to stay active and healthy and forget trying to reach the status of the anorexic magazine cover.  That would be true freedom to us all!!

You have to find your inner power.  I realize that having the opposite sex think you are attractive is a wonderful thing....but please realize that when you find yourself attractive your inner confidence will shine outwardly.

You are never going to please everyone with your body size, shape, hair color, style of dress on and on and on.  You need to please yourself.

I have had some men who would not date me once they found out I workout daily.  When I mention I enjoy strength training...some of them have run the other way.  Their loss. 

You have to be happy with who you are....

Be proud that you are a rower.  Be proud of the beautiful arm and back muscles you must have.  Be proud of yourself and the rest will fall into place.

In the Greek Myth Narcissus wasted his entire life looking at his perfect reflection.... completely unaware that Echo loved him.   That's the danger of introspection.  

If only one type of face and body was attractive the human race would have died out long ago...  And it hasn't.  What's certainly not attractive is someone who is obsessively worrying about whether they're too fat, too thin, etc.  Be happy in your skin (whatever shape it ends up) and you'll be fine.

I used to a D1 rower, and most of my good friends now rowed D1 all through college, so suffice it to say they were all very athletic and looked the part.  I quit the team and honestly I was always jealous that they looked so fit.  And let me tell you, guys did not ignore them because they were too muscular.  Guys did tend to be intimidated, but it was usually their own feeling of inadequacy around my crew friends that made them shy away.  At least this is what they told me :)

When I finally got back into a good work-out routine my senior year I was much happier with myself and people I didn't know would ask me if I was an athlete because I looked like one...and this was always a compliment.

I just recently started erging again and I can already see the changes in my body and I LOVE it! 

I really don't know if any of what I wrote helped, but I did have a rower friend who struggled with bulimia for a bit and it hurt her athleticism A LOT.  She came close to getting kicked off the team because her times were slipping.  She got helped and started eating like an athlete, toned up, slimmed down a bit, and improved on the water. 

Moral of the story, don't let those silly men mess up your rowing goals.  There is NOTHING wrong with looking like and athlete, and the confidence that you can develop as an athlete do more to attract men than anything!

I think variety is the key to everything--especially as far as the human body is concerned!  There are people who are attracted to very very obese people; very very thin people; athletic builds; model builds; etc. etc.

I feel bad for young ladies because they have such mixed messages from all source--media, friends, family, boyfriends, etc. Even when you reach my age, you still are influenced by others, but a lot less...it is easier to be comfortable in your own skin, but sometimes, there is the urge to make this skin the best IT can be for yourself...

I have an athletic build and will never be model thin...already went through the eating disorder thing when I was in my 20's to try to be something my body could never be...now I just accept that I can tweak what I already have to the best it can be (ie. healthy and thinner, but still athletic!).

I think you should do the things you love, ie. rowing (which I also love) and hang around people who support your athletic lifestyle, guys and girls...it helps to have people like you around to give you perspective...

Believe me, some young men are threatened by strong women (physically or emotionally!)--but then, who wants them? You will find that there are plenty of young men out there who are strong and confident enough to admire and cherish young women who care about themselves and display inner beauty and a sense of self-love!

Work hard at getting healthy and only good will come of it! 

people have always said this, and it wasn't until recently that i truly became a believer. do you know what is really attractive to men? confidence. you are as appealing others as you yourself believe you are. i don't want to say anything offensive, i am just speaking the truth so please no one get angry with me. i have had the experience of having several different guys whom i was attracted to end up with girls that are heavier and less toned than I am, all the while thinking that I was not thin/toned/perfect enough to get the ones i wanted (i'm 5'2 around 110 lbs, and i am very active). then i would ask myself, "how in the hell did she get him?" confidence is totally the key. you are what you think you are. if you think you're hot, others will too. you have to love yourself first. you can't do this to try to please others, you need to please yourself. become happy with what you see in the mirror.

i used to want to be less muscular like a model because i thought that was what is attractive. i now think that is totally ridiculous. to me, being fit and toned is much more attractive than flabby and soft. sure i don't really want to be like miss universe or anything, but i proudly lift 4 days a week and love my 6-pack stomach and toned arms and legs. i work hard for my muscles, and so do you, you should be proud of them! flab takes no effort whatsoever, but muscles take hard work and dedication!

beautiful bodies come in all different shapes and forms. if you think you're beautiful, others will too. don't be ashamed of your muscles, you earned them and they are a mark of you participating in something that you love.

When I was very under weight, had no body fat, and stuck to a perfect fitness routine, guys told me I physically had a celebrity perfect body… I had clear skin and nice hair, and I have a decent face too.

When I asked guys I knew if I had an attractive body they said “ yes. You have a perfect body”

However, when I walked down the street, or went to a bar, NO ONE would even look at me.

I am not exaggerating; guys would not check me out. Ever. Even when I went out of my way to look at them and smile at them.

I only knew 1 - 3 guys, and it was only when I asked them to analyze my body that they said I was physically a ideal shape; but that I did not come across as attractive because of the vibe I exuded.

I did not have inner confidence. I had the physical body - but how I felt about myself, and how I felt about life was too negative.

How I felt on the inside prevented guys from looking at me and finding me attractive. It sounds crazy, but the vibe a person exudes can COMPLETELY change how attractive you appear to men.

Now I have become lazier, stopped exercising for a bit, and have gained a little weight. However, now I am working on the over all package (mental AND physical well being). Having an awesome personality and energy about me will definitely attract guys more!

wow

this is fantastic feedback!

Thanks so much for all you input. I know that my self esteem issues make me less attractive for sure.  I hope soon i will find some more active people to hang out with, then i will feel less alien haha

I agree very much that everyone has different preferences... but i was cheated on recently by my boyfriend of 3 years.. and now he is dating a short, chubby girl...

but hey, she has long brown hair and wears feminine clothes which i guess means shes more attractive to him then i was. (I am blonde... )

At least i can rest with the fact that my personality gets me good friends.. all i eed to do now is work on my body image

Thanks guys!

here's the way i see it.  you have to be happy with yourself, and forget what other people want you to be.  

looks fade.  we're all gonna get old, go through tough times, gain weight lose weight, get awkward chin hairs =-o and gray hair, etc.  the last thing you want is attention because of something like looks.

  sure it doesn't hurt ;) but in the end, a person will love you for YOU.  who cares what the opposite sex thinks -- go for YOUR dreams!  Do what makes YOU happy.  The right person will come along, and won't care if you're skinny, fat, muscular or not! 

Don't compare yourself to the girl your bf cheated on you with. First, it's just ridiculous. Second, studies have shown that men more often cheat with women who are LESS attractive than their partners! Your bf didn't cheat because you're blonde, or because you have muscles; it had nothing to do with how you look. It's because he's a jerk.

The right guy will not tell you he likes girls to be thin, or muscly, or curvy, or whatever. He'll like you the way you are, and think you're the most beautiful woman in the world. Don't try to conform to some imaginary view of what men want--be yourself and you'll attract the right guy!

Here's a personal anecdote: my sister is 6 feet tall, a blonde Amazon with an amazing, athletic body. She convinced herself that men only liked short women with almond shaped eyes (I have no idea where she got that from) and struggles with low self-esteem. Which is ridiculous because she is gorgeous! There's no reason to feel like you have to match some "ideal" of beauty!

celery cookie, I think you should stop listening to everyone else's opinion on what is attractive. Just  excercise, eat healthy.and throw out the magazines. Stop obsessing! There are about 3 billion guys out there and they don't all like the same body type. You can't please everyone. I think you should look into empowering yourself to uplift your self-esteem.

Every guy's preference is different, just like ours. Just because one guy doesn't like stick thin girls, doesn't mean another doesn't. Same goes for overweight, athletic and curvy. My point is, keep doing what you're doing, you'll attract those who are attracted to that aspect, I wouldn't worry about what one guy or a magazine says because they cannot speak for all guys.

Don't compare yourself with anyone. People cheat to cheat, I mean look at Hugh Grant... he had a super hot wife but he still cheated on her with a prostitute (I think).

Yeah, it really doesn't matter how beautiful you are. If a guy is insecure and selfish enough, he will cheat.