Thought he was cheatin, but just wanted a beatin!

My bf and I have been together for 8months and we are extremely close and love one another but I have found some disturbing evidence that he may be cheating.

In the past I have found used condoms in his trash and we don't use them (I'm on birth control)

I just let this go figuring he used them to... um ... well masturbate

Last night I found a pair of womens underwear on his bed and another condom in the trash.

He told me that they must have gotten pulled out of one of his drawers while he was doing laundry.

OK that sounds weird but plausible considering that he hasn't cleaned out some of the drawers that belonged to his ex-wife.

I should also mention that we have only had sex once and I'm worried that this is just an emotional relationship. He tells me I'm beautiful every day and he is very affectionate and always has been but when it comes to sex it never progresses further than forplay.

Should I be worried or am I being paranoid?

Nobody can answer that but you.  Maybe he is using the condoms for himself.  Maybe he was also wearing the underwear too.  Flipside, maybe he was cheating.  Nobody in a forum knows you or him personally.

I would bring up my concerns with him and see what he has to say.

It doesn't look good...(shaking head)...it doesn't look good..

I totally agree with august-we don't know your relationship or current circumstances. I think his answers are a crock - knowing very little about the situation, but that's just me...

Um... your profile says you are 30. Unless you are holding off on sex for a particular reason (religion, for instance), I'd be very worried that you've been together 8 months and have only had sex once. Not that sex is the most important thing in a relationship, but it should be an element (or else there should be an understanding of why it's not).

He could be cheating. He could be gay. He could be impotent. In any of those cases, he's being less than honest with you, and you deserve to know what's going on with him.

Agree with the others who have said it's hard to say without being there. I trust my gut instinct. It sounds like your gut is telling you something is off... if that's how you feel, then follow that intuition before you get more hurt. I'd say one of those things happening, not a big deal; but multiple times compared with a very low sex drive on his part? Not normal, in my opinion.

Have never heard of a man using a condom to masturbate. Seems counterintuitive. I could be wrong, however.

"Have never heard of a man using a condom to masturbate. Seems counterintuitive. I could be wrong, however."

Ahem...I was thinking the same thing, kathy...really weird...

Original Post by mypuppymylife:

"Have never heard of a man using a condom to masturbate. Seems counterintuitive. I could be wrong, however."

Ahem...I was thinking the same thing, kathy...really weird...

 I too....thought that was strange.  I say he's seeing someone else.

Very likely cheating, although a little dumb to leave the evidence around so blatantly.  Why don't you ask him?

Most women would suspect he's having sex without them if they found a used condom. Most men would not be so foolish as to just leave them lying around, no matter what they were using them for.

He. Is. Cheating.  

I've been where you are.  I made a TON of implausible excuses. 

He is NOT using condoms to mastrubate. 

Open your eyes.  You will find other signs. 

Original Post by vanessa1031:

Original Post by mypuppymylife:

"Have never heard of a man using a condom to masturbate. Seems counterintuitive. I could be wrong, however."

Ahem...I was thinking the same thing, kathy...really weird...

 I too....thought that was strange.  I say he's seeing someone else.

I also thought a man using a condom for self fullfillment was a bit strange too!

He is sleeping with someone

God this is killing me!!!

I really thought he was different. This totally breaks my heart I can't stop crying. How do I find these guys? I knew it was too perfect.

I don't know, I'll talk to him but I think you are all right. I don't know what to do.

I'm so lost........

Original Post by redraven9:

OK that sounds weird but plausible considering that he hasn't cleaned out some of the drawers that belonged to his ex-wife.

Nobody else has mentioned this so I had to come back to it.  If you have been there for 8 months...WHY hasn't he cleaned these things out?  There are a few reasons that would be acceptable but just a few...

Original Post by kathygator:

Have never heard of a man using a condom to masturbate. Seems counterintuitive. I could be wrong, however.

^ I have. His explanation of using it to masturbate with is entirely possible. Masturbating with or into a condom has its benefits for guys. It is easier to clean up, it keeps the shooting inside of the thing. Some guys masturbate with a condom and lube. It can give them a different feel to the old routine. Some boys do it to get use to having them on as young teens. I dunno. Condoms are expensive for masturbating,imho. Some guys do use condoms to masturbate though. Does he blow off your questioning defensively?  I wouldn't just assume/figure that he's using them to cheat or masturbate. I would ask. He may be having to because he's holding out too long to enjoy his intercourse with you.

Ask and you will find out...

And why can't he use one for self-pleasuring?  Why are you withholding sex? Or: Why aren't you two having it? Does he withhold/show no interest in actual sex with you? That's something that you may need to figure out yourself.

I understand the Op's curiosity over this, but it doesn't mean he's lying or cheating. But, there may be some underlining trust issues within your relationship.The panties causing a disturbance due to circumstances we know nothing about... I don't think we're hearing the whole story here. Ask his ex wife: " Are these yours?" ;) j/k. Finding panties would cause most women to raise a brow and/or bat.

Some guys wear condoms/panties while masturbating. Or: Play with their ex-wife's panties while they're doing it. I dunno.

a) Do you trust his word? Have you been given reason to distrust him?

b) Do you trust your instincts?We all have a natural ability to be intuitive. Only you can know how your gut is reacting to finding the condom & panties... and what his response is telling you.

If he is cheating he will lie and make up excuses, guaranteed, if he wants to stay in this relationship with you.  I recommend you do your homework first and see if you can find any other evidence, so that when you talk to him you will have proof that he cannot deny.

Sorry hon.  I know how much it sucks, but you aren't alone.  Unfortunately this happens a LOT.  Anyone is capable of cheating.

I'd have bought the condoms for masturbating thing, just because i HAVE heard of guys doing that, and i can't imagine anyone being SO stupid that they'd leave evidence of their discretions in plain view.

but the panties in the bed? sorry, that's cinches it for me. he's cheating. that or he likes to wear womens panties...

Original Post by redraven9:

God this is killing me!!!

I really thought he was different. This totally breaks my heart I can't stop crying. How do I find these guys? I knew it was too perfect.

I don't know, I'll talk to him but I think you are all right. I don't know what to do.

I'm so lost........

 Aw, Raven. There is no such thing as perfect.

Here's what you do:

Stop crying. He's not worth it.

If you are lost: find yourself.

Once you find yourself, no one can ever make a victim of you again.

Above all, remember that it could be worse. You could be married with kids.

Original Post by kathygator:

Original Post by redraven9:

God this is killing me!!!

I really thought he was different. This totally breaks my heart I can't stop crying. How do I find these guys? I knew it was too perfect.

I don't know, I'll talk to him but I think you are all right. I don't know what to do.

I'm so lost........

 Aw, Raven. There is no such thing as perfect.

Here's what you do:

Stop crying. He's not worth it.

If you are lost: find yourself.

Once you find yourself, no one can ever make a victim of you again.

 

Above all, remember that it could be worse. You could be married with kids.

 

^ This.

Original Post by redraven9:

God this is killing me!!!

I really thought he was different. This totally breaks my heart I can't stop crying. How do I find these guys? I knew it was too perfect.

I don't know, I'll talk to him but I think you are all right. I don't know what to do.

I'm so lost........

 How can you not find them...they are everywhere.

Just please don't be one of those girls that ignores red flags and looks away...till you catch something you can't ignore. You already know it in your heart. You only ask cause you are hoping the perfect picture won't be ruined.

But it already is.

The bf before my current admitted to 4 women, and all I could think was, thank God I was not active with him. I'd probably have something. And thank God I don't have a child by him. I bought nothing he said after that.

Enchanting

I'm not saying he can't use it for that. That's what I thought the first time I saw the condoms. I'm just wondering if my trust has been misplaced. I trust him more than anyone ever but all this stuff happening lately is too coincidental.

I don't need to be the dumb B**** on Maury Povich saying "But I still love him!"

I'm not holding out sex. Far from it.

I make it very obvious that I'm aroused, I dress up, I even tell him I'm horny and want him. It never gets beyond forplay. He just kind of stops before it goes any further.

I've never had a reason to not trust him before.

I know it sounds bad but I would rather it just be an intimacy problem than cheating. We could make it through that but there is no way I am staying with a cheating man.