What is it time for me to let go of? Going from Change to Transition

Change vs Transition

I am reading a really interesting paper right now.  The researcher is investigating change in his workplace, and what has caught my attention is his distinction between "change" and "transition".  And it really applies to the internal process that I have recently gone through to change how I think and feel about food.

First off, here's the original source: Transition As A Way Through (The paper I am reading is quoting this work.)

This author says that people often use "change" and "transition" as the same word, but they are not.  Change is a process that happens to you.  Transition is the inner process that we go through when we come to terms with the change.

The author describes 3 stages: ending, neutral zone, and new beginnings. 

Ending is when we feel loss, sadness, fear, and resentment as a result of letting go of our old ways and our old identity.

The Neutral Zone is the in-between stage, when the old situation is gone, but the new one isn't yet in full swing.

New Beginnings is the time to celebrate, as we are fully on-board with the change, we embrace our new identity, we experience a new excitement, and discover a new sense of purpose, commitment, and engagement that makes the change successful.  At this stage we begin to see the benefits of our change initiative.

The author describes change as if it were a wall in front of you. Transition, then, would be the gate that leads you through change to the next phase of your life path.  In order to focus yourself on the transition path and away from the change wall, you need to let go of the inner connections you had of the way things were.

This author says, a helpful question in helping to switch from change to transition is: What is it time for me to let go of?

He says that this question will help open up the transition path for you to follow.  Leading to personal growth, which leads to increased personal awareness, which will help you to identify your own personal resistance to change.

What is it time for me to let go of? 

I am ready to let go of everything that does not serve me or serve others.  I reached this point 4 weeks ago, and reading this paper has shed new light on the process that I am going through.  I believe there are many more gates for me to pass through.  But the first, the biggest wall, is behind me.  I have finally come to terms with who I am, I accept who I am, as I am, right now. I will not pretend to be someone else any longer.  It does not benefit me, and it does not benefit anyone else.

So, what is it time for you to let go of?

Cigarettes. Seriously. I never buy them anymore, haven't in months, but I still smoke them occasionally with 2 friends who smoke. They don't push them on me. I just see them and have one. Letting go of those last cigarettes probably sounds pretty small-scale in comparison to what you're getting at, but the big picture for me is to be the best role model I can be for my daughter. There are some behaviors I forgive myself for knowing she's too little to know what I'm doing, but I want to have fully transitioned into my healthy self BEFORE she's old enough to ever know that I wasn't always a super-strong-healthy-woman. Thanks for posting this.

That is so great that you never buy them anymore!  I've heard that smoking is one of the hardest habits to break.  If you can break that, you can do anything!

I totally understand wanting to be a living example for your child.  My kids are my biggest inspiration. They are so gifted at echoing back and reflecting back the things in me that I least wish to see.  It really puts a spotlight on what I need to fix, and how fast I need to do it.

I wish you great success, sadinplaid, in ditching the once-in-a-while cigarettes

Nice thread : D.

It's time for me to let go of random guilt and embarassment. I've been working at this for quite a while, and cringing doesn't really help things that happened several years ago. My energy is better directed to the future, and memories that aren't SHAME SHAME SHAME. There are lots of unhelpful, irrelevent little incidents I need to release like doves.

I'll make a list and burn it, perhaps.

This makes a lot of sense. Thanks for the post.

The concept of a wall definitely makes a lot of sense. I've found that with weight loss, until you mentally were ready to walk through that gate in the wall you weren't really going to tackle it and you end up failing as a result.

I felt this when I gave up smoking. In reality I wasn't ready to tackle the wall so the prior attempts at quitting just failed. Finally I got the right motivation to do so and I was moving house and thought that this would be an ideal time to make good on my promise that I'd give up smoking. The promise was to my wife when she was pregnant with our daughter. I wasn't ready so I failed. Finally as my daughters 2nd birthday approached I decided to tackle it and for the last 8 years I have been an ex-smoker! It feels good not to cough up a lung every morning, not to have smelly breath, to taste food properly.

The side effect was that I started to put on more weight (I was already overweight).

Despite my success at kicking the habit, I couldn't translate that to weight loss. I wasn't ready to tackle that wall quite yet. I had several failed attempts. Finally I started tackling it in 2006, 5 years after quitting smoking! But I was only gazing at the wall and hadn't gone through the gate yet. I lost about 16lbs before I decided that enough was enough and headed for that new beginning in december 2007.

So far I've lost in total 55lbs but gained 12lbs back over the last few months, which I am now tackling again. There's no going back!

Thanks for the article shanasedai, it helps make sense of the process!

Thank you for posting this, it is really interesting.

Something it made me realize that finding my way to transition is something that has happened naturally for me in many areas of my life and I have observed it in others.  Last January I was finally ready to change my lifestyle to eliminate my obesity, and it feels as if I have really followed the steps you laid out.

Here on the site when I read success stories (which I am hoping to provide in a year or so) that many people's epiphany moment (Ah-ha!) is essentially that they have found their way to transition. 

A good friend of mine who's father and grandfather died of heart disease in their fifties switched to the Ornish diet about 4 years ago when he was in his mid-fifties (no added fat, no meat, no full-fat dairy).  Now, this was remarkable, since he is a winemaker, travels all the time, and is faced with a constant barrage of "gourmet" food.  He lost a little weight (he wasn't obese), and all his heart disease numbers are now in great shape, and he is still eating this way!  I asked him how he managed to "give up" all those great foods.  His answer was --"I had lots of years to enjoy them, now I need to eat like this so I can be healthy."  He "gave them up" for his (and his family's) benefit, and doesn't seem to miss them.

I will try asking myself "What am I ready to let go of?" the next time I am resisting change and see if I can jumpstart the process.

This is a good post, it's good to reflect on my past and it's helping to place the emotions and feelings into place.

I have to let go of my past, it was an extremely happy time, but now I must move on, I've been standing at the gate in the neutral zone, and taking a step out and then retreating again, just peeking a little.  Somehow I feel guilty about the possibility of being really happy and content in the new zone.  How can it possibly be better that the situation and life I had?  I think I've finally lost the resentment at having to change, the transition was "forced" upon me as a result of external circumstances.  I realize now that the limbo I've been in has been a natural progression before I can make progress. 

So, even if my rantings don't make sense to anyone else:  thanks for your post, I understand something about myself better that I did before I read it.

Lovegrowsontrees: Shame and embarrassment are hard for me to walk away from as well.  Compliments seem easy to leave behind.  I'm working on this too.  I wish us both luck :)

abunaimah: I really liked the wall and gate analogy.  It's what motivated me to start this thread.  Giving up smoking is an amazing achievement!  And losing 55 pounds is both amazing and inspiring!  Thank you so much for sharing that :)

dkenworthy: I agree, I think we do this naturally.  This article I had read really just shed light on what it was I was semi-conciously attempting to do. I've never heard of the Ornish diet, that was interesting to read about.  And I really look forward to your success story!  I hope you post it on the Victory is Mine thread.  I read that all the time when I need a little pick-me-up :)

Lorkige: I am very glad that the article summary helped shed light on the process you are going through.  It has done the same for me.  I also understand what you mean about feeling guilty about possibly being happy and content in the next phase of life.  The neutral zone is a good place to be, it is only one step away from the new identity, new excitement, and new sense of purpose.

Ya know I have been really worried that I would get "fat girl syndrom"  I saw my sister lose 100 pounds and transform from a bubbly, and caring person, to a mean spirited, and selfish person.  I was so sad about it.  She started making very bad decisions, and is now living with the consequences of her mistakes, and moreover, because of the guilt and depression that came with the consequences, is more than 30 pounds over where she started.  

  I also watched my sister in law, get really skinny, and have a total meltdown.  She cheated on her husband as a result of all the attenttion she was getting, and has even been on the verge of abandoning her family a few times.

  Now I don't know if it is a chemical thing, or an emotional thing, but I think about these two situations all the time.  I am desperate not to change who I am, on account of my change in size.  

But as the question is what should I let go, I think I need to let go of my secret feelings of inadequacy.  THis may sound a little concieted, but I am a very talented singer and musician.  I have won dozens of awards for vocal competitions, had dozens of lead roles in plays, and have toured with music groups all over the united states and canada.  But despite all of that.  I always have this feeling (I suspect becuase of my size) that I am not good enough.  THat if I put myself out there, I could be regected.  If I try out for a play, I probably wont get the part.  I play like I am full of confience in this area, but I have to admit I struggle.  I need to stop living in fear that I am not good enough and just enjoy the gift God gave me.

Marleyken, I don't think it is conceited to recognize your talents and gifts.  I hope you can let go of feeling inadequate, it sounds like it's holding you back.

Shana

Oh, wow.  Congratulations to sadinplaid, abunaimah, for giving up smoking!  Seriously, I applaud your efforts and successes equally.  It's AMAZING when someone gives up an addiction to that.

And marlyken, I'm rooting for you.  I think, because you're paying attention to it, you will successfully transition into a healthy person who still stays true to herself.  And I think your music will help keep you there.  Good luck in putting yourself out there, and may all of your talents be rewarded.

Things I need to let go of?  Well, this may not sound as impressive as quitting smoking, but I have not had a soda for 26 days.  For me, grabbing a coke was equivalent to grabbing a cigarette - if I was stressed, I'd buy one and chug it down.  If we didn't have soda in the house I'd freak out a little and have to go out to restock.  Late-night caffeine was the norm, and I NEVER drank water.  If we didn't have soda in the house, I wouldn't even get a glass of tapwater to hydrate myself.  I just sat at my computer with that gummy, dehydrated feeling in my mouth, trying to ignore the fact that my body was pleading for water.

I realized last week that that's the reason I'm going to succeed this time.  I didn't just quit drinking soda temporarily for a "diet."  I stopped completely, with the knowledge that I can't even have one without going back to old ways.  Old ways that I do not miss.  I still get soda cravings, especially when I'm stressed out (or when I'm on my TOM, weirdly enough).  But I don't even let myself think "maybe just one."  I grab some really cold water and guzzle it and tell myself that the craving will pass.  And then it does.  And I'm fine.

There are still bad habits I need to let go of, but one at a time, I can conquer them and transition into a new life where the only habits I have are the good ones I create.  My habits will not rule me, because I can control them.  And I will.  And so will you.