Today minda is insecure and bitter just like they said.

I am very much ok with my body, weight, and diet over 90% of the time, today is very much not in that 90%.

Today I can't find one redeeming quality in the mirror, everything just looks fat.

I am not enthused about my diet being a topic of conversation constantly. I do not bring it up. 'You're having a piece of cake?' 'Yes, I've allotted calories for it' 'Okkaaayyy, if that's what you want'

Today I look back at my efforts thus far, and their 15 lbs lost, and then I look ahead at my goal date of May 2011, and I just feel hopeless.

My financial situation is rather... dire, and I honestly feel a bit silly spending $30 on fresh produce, when my wallet and fat would really just prefer a $1 brownie mix.

I have a job intervew in Chicago next week for a job that is supposedely almost impossible to get if one is overweight (teaching in Japan), and I'm wondering why I'm bothering going. Well, because I've already bought my plane ticket.

I feel like my body is betraying me. I've been trying to control anemia with diet, and didn't notice how horribly that was going until I spent 15 minutes in the gym monday before I felt like I might die and puke simultaneously, and then started spontaneously bruising from the exhertion. I don't know how anemia works for everyone else, but it makes me insatiably hungry, craving-ridden, cranky, and zero energy. Still counting calories until the supplements kick in, but I just feel miserable. (Not that I would dare assert a medical condition might be an obstacle to weight loss. Oh no, its just willpower.)

I post on these forums almost daily. It's no wonder I enjoy the online forums, because today I think that no one would consider taking health advice from me IRL.

I know all the logical things, all the awesome 'you'll get through this' but I'm tired, and it's not working today. The new fresh healthy living changes have stopped being new and great, still aren't really 'habits' and still completely lack any external motivation of 'looking better.' I can't even make it through a workout this week.

I see pictures of myself and think I might actually look worse than I did a month ago.

I'm tired of comments about how 'fat people are more likely to have a poor body image/low self-esteem/any other negative whatever because, you know, they're so unhealthy' It's a bad example, but I do get the impression occasionally that people are almost... offended that I don't typically dislike my body. You can't just let me be ok with it? Would you rather I feel like I do today every day?

And workout clothes. After a month of averaging 5+ hours a week of exercise, I decide to treat myself to new workout clothes. Not really that motivating. I can't afford special stores, I'm shopping in target. And I'm not saying cute workout clothes would make fat people exercise, but it really wouldn't hurt. Even wearing a size larger than normal, the lovely in style 'slim cut' really just makes me look like a dimply jiggly cow. My options are trashy cut-off sweats/wife beater, or skin tight lycra?

Today I am long-winded, whiny, and unhappy. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Ignore all the people with their comments insinuating that you shouldn't feel as great about yourself and your body as you do...I'm exactly like you are, I almost always feel like the hottest momma in a room. I think sometimes I'm on the verge of delusional, because I don't just feel good about myself, I flat out think I'm freakin hot.  LOL! I think people at a healthy weight have struggle with low self esteem at times too, and I honestly think they're jealous that they can't feel as good about themselves of we do.

Not that it will help any at all other than to know you're not the only one in your boat right now, I've lost 19 lbs. since January and am still wearing the same size clothing.  One of these days...I'll wear a 12.

If I go shopping for clothes anytime soon, it's certainly not going to be for workout clothes.  I'd much rather wear my old ratty sweats and big baggy t-shirts than EVER even leave my home wearing the painted on looking lycra/spandex mix stuff. 

Positive points for you to know (from a complete stranger ) --- your tattoo is gorgeous I mean it just rocks my socks off, your smile is way too cute and I absolutely adore your lip piercing...

Have a great day!

sounds like you got alot on your plate right now girl and financial stress seems to make all the others weigh tenfold.

i gotta give you a 'waytogo girl' for forgoing the $1 brownie mix for the $30 of produce AND for spending your elusive dollar on workout clothes. you are doing the right things for yourself, making those healthy choices. you rock!

sometimes it seems like the treadmill you are on will never stop...so dont undermine yourself by thinking about how far you have to go, focus on what you have accomplished. break it down minda. one day at a time. for me that was the only way to keep life from completely overwheming me.

celebrate your victories, no matter how small, cuz it truly is the little things in life that mean the most.

good luck on your interview!

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way minda!  It sucks that sometimes we have bad days.  The one thing I always trying to remember when I am having a bad day (or week, month or year) is this: "it is only for now" (have you seen Avenue Q?  it is the last song of the musical).  It won't last forever (thank God)!  I also agree with watergirl; "one day at a time" is SO important in weight loss (of any kind...whether you have 100 pounds to lose or just 10 pounds). 

Also, to those people who say that overweight people are more likely to have a bad body image, I say forget them.  I am at a healthy weight and I continually struggle with my body image.  I can pick out my flaws as easily as anyone.  If only overweight people had bad body image, perfectly healthy weight people wouldn't be succumbing to eating disorders left and right.  People of all shapes and sizes struggle with their body image, and I applaud you for loving yourself the way you are in this moment (even if you don't feel that way today). It is an accomplishment that you can feel that way 90% of the time! 

I hope that tomorrow you feel at least a little bit better (if not a whole lot)!  Also, good luck with that interview!

I know what it is like to live paycheck to credit card to paycheck. I'm sorry you are having a bad day today. One suggestion I can make on the produce is to find out where your local farmer's market is. They are usually much cheaper than the grocery store. During this time of year you can get great, local produce cheap. Buying all my produce there, I am saving about $50 a month. The only downside is that sometimes I want something and they don't have it because it is out of season.

Minda!  Have a bad day!  We are allowed one every now and again.  Being happy 100% of time requires good medication...and my insurance doesn't cover it LOL.  You're only human and you can only live one day at a time. 

*hugs*

Original Post by minda_spk:

I feel like my body is betraying me. I've been trying to control anemia with diet, and didn't notice how horribly that was going until I spent 15 minutes in the gym monday before I felt like I might die and puke simultaneously, and then started spontaneously bruising from the exhertion. I don't know how anemia works for everyone else, but it makes me insatiably hungry, craving-ridden, cranky, and zero energy. Still counting calories until the supplements kick in, but I just feel miserable. (Not that I would dare assert a medical condition might be an obstacle to weight loss. Oh no, its just willpower.)

Several years ago I got severe iron anemia, and the supplements are the only way to go to correct a problem.  Once I got it under control, I have been able to keep my iron levels up (it helps that I am not hemorrhaging blood once a month anymore) with diet.  Does your doctor have you taking supplements at every meal?  I found that to be really important, and I managed to get my blood work up in about 6 weeks, taking lots of iron, drinking lots of water, and eating lots of dried fruit/beans (to deal with the secondary problems that lots of iron causes).  Since hemoglobin is essential for carrying oxygen to your organs, you may need to back off on your workouts for awhile -- not what you want to hear, I know.  Medical conditions can def. be obstacles, but sometimes there is another way around them -- not just the straight over the top with guns blazing path.  Go around, go under, be creative.

Good luck in Chicago on the job interview!  I have gotten great jobs even when overweight by being qualified and confident, so channel your 90% "normal" self.

During finals week (full time grad school) I was job searching, working my 2 part times, sick (flu-like), just had a tendinits flare up in the knee (in pain) and came out of a final to find that someone had done a hit and run on my car (recently uninsured. I had to choose between rent and insurance). Credit card bills tripled for no reason except they are a holes. I was at my heaviest. Only one pair of jeans fit. Didn't know where next months rent was coming from. Then...I found out right before graduation(when my family was on the way) that one teacher gave me an unfair grade and I was about to have to find about 7000 for summer school to compensate even though I had no job and only ok credit as a result of said situations. If I did summer school, I would not be able to work and would go form ok credit to s**** credit in a quickness.(luckily he worked with me)

I tell you this so that you will know that I understand. I've been there. I've had to ask myself-grocceries or gas at times. You are a strong person, but everybody feels crappy sometimes, and everybody feels like it is all for nothing at some point, where it looks like nothing is going in your favor. I am glad I didn't quit when I wanted to though..becuase now I am 10 pounds smaller, with a job, a masters degree and my bills are getting paid. My mom always tells me that the worst thing about quitting is that tomorrow could look completely different. And I am stubborn and have enough pride that I would HATE for my enemies to see me quit. I don't tap out becuase I want the last say in how successful I will be.

God bless. The sacrifices will be worth it.

Well you already know that everything is about you. You are the one that decides what goes in your mouth, how long you exercise and the things you say to others.

You do not need to go to the gym to workout. Put on your favorite tv show and jog in place while it is on. I do that during the day although I am stuck watching cartoons with my 2 year old.

You need to go to that interview with your head up high. You need to feel like you are the only one that can teach in Japan and your not going to let anyone get in your way.

I hope that the new workout clothes help you out. I like buying new clothes and they do make me feel better about myself. I would go with a black pair of tight pants and a wife beater. That is just me though. Try it on and see what you like.

Hang in there.  You're beautiful.  Tomorrow will be a better day.

This is a day where I'd draw a hot bubble bath, grab a cheap romance novel and soak some of the crap out of my system.  We all have them from time to time, just for some people the frequency is a bit more.  If you have the stuff on hand, give yourself a manicure or a pedicure and when you get nice and clean even wear make up for a bit of razzle dazzle.

My workout clothes are typically the PJ bottoms and whatever ratty old t-shirt I wore 30 lbs ago...not exactly high fashion, but I refuse to spend $100 on an outfit that I'm going to sweat in...the other alternative is sweats from the thrift shop that I can bleach before wearing. 

You're beautiful. Your confidence really shines through your smile, and your tattoo is nothing short of kickass (hehe had to throw that one out there). You're perfectly within your rights to be insecure and bitter one day of your life. Plenty of thin people wish they had your confidence.

That said, try taking a break? Forget about weight for a few days, as weight is overrated anyway and has nothing to do with you as a unique individual. Take the opportunity to reprioritize. Cut yourself some slack, remind yourself why you're awesome, and pwn that job interview. If they're as superficial as to dismiss you for your weight, it's their loss.

For the record, I admire heavier people with cute workout clothes, no matter how "jiggly" they look. If you have it, flaunt it!

Thanks everyone!!  I am feeling a little better today. I've just decided to take the rest of the week off exercise, and eat close to maintenence until my body rights itself. The iron is already starting to kick in and while I'm still doing lots of napping, my energy is starting to come back a bit.

Honestly, there is so much up in the air right now, that somedays it gets to me. I'm expecting to really feel like myself again by the weekend : )

The support is awesome. You guys rock.