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totally confused and going in circles

Hello everyone.  I have posted before, but haven’t for a while.  I feel like Im not making progress with my ED. I have had anorexia for like 3-4 years.  I am currently like 76 lbs (33-34 kg) last time I checked and have been this weight for about 1.5 years and haven’t had a period for over 3 years.  My BMI is 13. I haven’t been to the doctor all summer because it really makes me anxious.  My doctor had wanted me to get up to 1600 calories but I haven’t been able to get even 1500.  I noticed most people around here are eating more like 2000-3000 calories to gain, so Im a little confused.  Should I really be eating this much too?  The other thing I worry about so much is exercise.  Should I still be exercising and how much?  I feel extreme guilt for eating and especially if I don’t feel like Im active enough.  I have a really hard time eating anything like ice cream, chocolate, cookies, etc.  It’s a struggle to get my calories up and still eat healthy.  I focus so much on worrying about getting too much of something (too much fruit, too much peanut butter, too many carbs, etc)  I’ve tried counseling but that made me even more anxious and panicky. I have had panic attacks.  I have never been hospitalized, but have had a few different doctors.   I’m from a small town and we don’t have the best doctors or anyone who really specializes in this around here, so I don’t know if I should trust them or not.  My blood work is ok, but I really worry about what damage I could possibly do to my body. I know at one point my body was breaking down, and thats kind of scary.

Many of you around here seem to be doing well with recovery, so I thought maybe I could get some opinions.  Am I in danger in my current situation?  I just feel like I’m going nowhere.  I know my family must be frustrated but they are very supportive and I know I don’t look good.  I want to have a happy life, but I just feel stuck right now.   Any opinions are greatly appreciated, thanks!

yes you are in extreme danger, at a BMI of 13 you are actually in danger of SDS - sudden death syndrome. you need to up your intake - though DO NOT do it too fast at your current weight - i'd suggest go straight to 1800 and stay there, avoiding weighing for two weeks then seeing how you are then. you NEED to gain weight - you honestly could die. i've been in your situation and I collapsed, despite the fact I was eating 2000 a day, because my body gave up. I was sectioned! PLEASE also make a doctors appointment to check yourself out - i can't stress enough how important it is to not do ANY exercise at the moment..

honestly, i know how hard it is but do you really want to live like this - a living death? xxxxx

I second the above.

Blood work can be somewhat meaningless.  People with severe EDs can have 'normal' bloodwork.  It only takes a second for an electrolyte imbalance, a heart attack, and death.  Even when your blood work is officially 'fine'.

Also, given your low weight, your brain is severely malnourished, causing those obsessive thoughts.  To be honest, you shouldn't worry about getting 'too much' of anything....there is no such thing for you.  You need to be eating more, although I agree you should increase slowly.

You need medical care.  This is very serious.  I know you may not fully appreciate that, but its part of the brain malnourishment.  You are risking death and need care ASAP.

Agree, you're in danger girl. your BMI is too low. you have to be strong!! and keep those ideas away. Try doing yoga or relaxing exercises, breath slow because think too much about something can stress you. it happened to me , I ate my food but just for thinking what i did, i couldn't gain weight.

About your calories, you should start with something low not go right for the 2000 calories, because your body won't accept that much food. Be patient, this things take time and it's your life wich is in game, so i'm sure you're gonna do it well.  Don't worry about exercising a lot , because you DONT need it

hunny you need to be in hospital ....trust me i have been herer many times and you cants do it alone.....you need to be inpatient!!!!

pleaes put the real you not the ED first and get the the er!

Thanks for all the thougts...I have definitely been doing better the past few days...its just hard to find time with work and I go to college too.  I feel like I eat all day but still dont get enough because all the foods I eat are pretty much all healthy.  I do eat a lot of peanut butter, milk,cheese, stuff like that.  Im just so sick of living like this.  Even though I am eating sometimes I still feel so weak.  I guess I need to make recovery my top priority.  I am planning on going to my doc soon, but she always wants to weigh me and push me to go to therapy-which I hate.  But anyway, thanks for the support-I really appreciate it:)

to be honest i really hate reading these posts because i have been here like one month ago and u dont know how sick you are...you should be in hospital asap!

Im sorry if my post is upsetting.  Its just that Ive been going to the doctor and was going every few weeks and my doctor never really seemed too concerned that I was in danger.  I just find it so difficult to eat while doing little exercize...I feel so guilty, I know my brain must be very messed up, I just cant get rid of the guilt.  But I really do think Im doing better.  Theres no specialists/support groups around here, but its nice to come on here to get ideas about recovery and see how other people handle it.  I really do just want to get better.

I'm sorry, Cassie, but I'm going to take the hard stance here. If you really want to get better you will get your doctor by the shoulders (okay, not literally) and TELL them "I think I need to go into an inpatient unit." Your BMI is CRITICALLY LOW. Not to mention that you are doing exercise on top of this, a major stress to an already weakened body. You are at risk of your organs and your heart just giving up on you. I do not know if money would be a problem for you but I can direct you here if it is:
ANRED, with a list of ways to get help and treatment while without insurance
Treatment: How Will I Pay?

Dangers of Eating Disorders
Memorial Wall

Refeeding yourself right now is a dangerous idea. This added to the fact that you are still struggling with ED habits and have been unable to shift them for one and a half years and the warning bells in my head get all the louder. Go to your doctor and TELL them to help you if they will not CHOOSE to help you, or go straight to the ER.