totally lost my motivation and........(I am SO sorry for the length of this post!)

......and I COMPLETELY fell off the wagon.  I think I should also count this as my first binge in a long long LONG time.  I am PMSing worse than I have in two years, and was still trying to be very very good with my diet yesterday.  (My diet isn't just to lose weight, but to lower my sky-high cholesterol).  Then I let a comment get to me. 

[background]  15 years ago I was an exercise-bulimic, tracking what I ate so I would work it off with extreme workouts, professional dancing, and laxatives.  [today]  My husband and I haven't had sex in.... geez, I can't remember how long, but it's been at least 3 months because the last time I can remember was just a few days after my son turned 3 months old.  (I take that back, there was one quickie, and do I ever mean QUICKIE, maybe a month ago.  I honestly can't bring myself to count that.)  We talk a LOT about wanting to have another child and get pregnant again as soon as we can, but because of the C-section and prior surgery it isn't safe for me to get pregnant until 6 months post-partum at the VERY least, and preferably 9 months.  Instead of having protected recreational sex until then, my husband prefers to have NO sex at all.  Let me tell you what an ego boost that is, repeatedly begging for sex and getting turned down oh-so-politely as he heads off to his computer room to surf 20 year old brunettes..... second thought, let me not tell you what an ego boost that is, I don't want to depress us all.

So, last night I am eating dinner on the couch, a bowl of cabbage/vegetable soup that comes to 33 calories per bowl.  (I am not anorexic, I had just used up my 1400 calories earlier in the day)  He's sitting on the floor happily toasted on a few beers after a satisfying dinner of fat juicy cheeseburgers.  He starts getting sentimental talking about how wonderful it will be to someday get a real dinner table and have real dinner discussions with everyone involved..... us, maybe friends, our son, our future daughter...... and I couldn't help but laugh and say teasingly "Well, honey, we have to have sex before we have a Katie".  His reply was to say "OK, let's go have sex right now!" and stare at me expectantly for 5 seconds, then dismissively snort "oh, sorry, you are too busy shoveling **** in your mouth." 

 I couldn't believe the flood that hit my brain..... most of it incoherent, all of it emotional.  Seeing what he REALLY thinks of me when he sees me eat (because we all know how a 6-pack of ice beer can make the most tactful person brutally honest).  Hearing the sarcasm & disgust in his voice when he makes the only offer for sex that I have heard in months, when he knows damned well that it can't happen because our baby son is not asleep but playing on the floor in front of him........but of course the REAL reason it can't happen is because I am too busy stuffing my face, right?  Hurt, anger, disgust at myself, despair, hopelessness.

He went on to say a few more things that REALLY hurt me, all in the name of honesty and drunken rambling.  But that one comment was what stuck in my mind.  That, and this hopeless repetitive thought "Why the hell am I doing this anyway?  Eff it all, I am miserable doing this diet, counting every freaking calorie and trying to get by on a minimum amount of fuel when I am already dragging myself through every day on a ridiculously low amount of sleep AND sick half the time with liver problems". 

Eventually he staggers off to bed, hitting the sides of the hallway like some overgrown pinball.  I find myself in a quiet house with no company but the ticking clock and my increasingly-whiney self-pitying thoughts.  I find myself with him snoring in the bedroom, sprawled out so that even if I could put up with the snoring I have no room in the bed.  I find myself with the baby finally asleep in the pack-n-play, and I can't sleep no matter how desperately tired I am.  I find myself just sitting in the living room listening to my sons breathing ......and crying my eyes out, trying to be silent so I don't wake the baby. 

And then...... my stomach screaming at me because a bowl of cabbage soup just wasn't cutting it, I find myself at the refrigerator with every intention of getting some canteloupe or an orange or a carefully measured portion of nonfat cottage cheese.  Instead of coming out with that, I find myself preparing a BLT sandwich.   So wrong in so many ways.  My cholesterol is in the stroke range so bacon is the very worst thing I could eat, and I am allergic to wheat bread.  Doesn't matter, nothing is going to be right until I have that BLT, I can't get the thought out of my head.  And then I make another one.  THEN I can sleep.... for two hours, until my son wakes up and needs me.  I fight the almost overwhelming urges to scream, to leave him crying so I can get just a little more sleep, to just walk out of the house and not come back,  to ....... instead, as gently as possible, I change and feed the baby and rock him back to sleep.

Now here I am again, listening to the same quiet house, and that same damned ticking clock, still unable to sleep, still crying my eyes out, and still disgusted with myself because my stomach is aching and I want to eat something hot and filling soooooooo badly but after my earlier binge I am afraid to go into the kitchen.  I need to unload the dishwasher and make a bottle for the next time the baby wakes up.  But I know that if I do, I will "find myself" coming out with that baby bottle and a bowl of pasta. 

Any ideas how to get my motivation back?  Because I am totally clueless.  Right now, it just seems like heaping misery on top of misery to be depriving myself of the food that I want when all the other "satisfiers" like sleep and sex and affection aren't options for me.

It's easy to become totally self-absorbed when battling weight/health issues.  And your husband's reaction sounds like a 'what about me?' attention-seeking gambit more than anything else.   He's missing physical affection and he's feeling second-place.   You're annoyed.  He's annoyed.   Your post is rather self-centered... how you feel, how you react, how you're unhappy.   Everyone's unhappy but no-one's communicating.  Talk to each other.

I agree that there are 2 sides to every story and we're only hearing one, however, I can empathize with you.  Your decision to binge is self-destructive.  Not that eating a few blts is going to cause major harm- it's the stuffing the feelings down with the food.  I find writing in a journal to vent feelings really helps.  It allows me to take an honest look at the situation.  Of course I usually start out with an emotional barage of b.s. but eventually I get there and start looking at the situation. 

I get the sense that you really need to take care of yourself.  You mention depriving yourself of the food you want.  Perhaps you should stop counting every calorie and approach eating in a positive way.  Look at eating as one ways you take care of yourself.  Yeah you'll eat chocolate every now and then, but you will also empower yourself, because you will feel that you have a choice. 

Perhaps saying to your husband that his insensitive comments are rude and hurtful might make you feel better the next time.  Even if you don't get the response you hope for at least you tell him how you feel, which might also prevent the binge.  I hope you get some rest and have a better day-

You're full of emtions that overwhelm you. The hurt can be felt so easily in the post you wrote. I'm sorry you're going through this. How I wish I had some kind of wonderful magical advice or solution to your situation. I guess I just wanted to tell you not to lose hope. I know my words are of no help or comfort for you.  Just don't lose the hope.

{{hugs}} you are doing this for YOU and for that beautiful 3 month old baby boy. You are doing it for both of your futures, forget about your husbands nasty drunken words. They will happen, but I think you should talk to him and tell him how much that hurt you.

The reason I started losing weight is because I knew when I had a baby I wanted to see that pooch grow and I wanted to be able to feel every kick. I knew once I had a baby I wanted to be able to crawl around on the floor with it, go outside, ride bikes, play ball. Just be active.

I grew up with a heavy mother that wasn't so much interactive with me in that way. I grew up with no nutrition values in my life.

And I'm DAMNED determined that when I do start a family (whenever that might be) I'll be doing the best of the best for it.

I really wish I could say more. But don't give up on it and say 'eff it' because you have a long future ahead of you with your son by your side.

<3, Melinda 

This may not be the case, but have you considered post partum?  Your hormones are still unstable, sweetie.  We have all gone through it ( well those of us who are mothers) and aside from never getting enough sleep your hormones are out of whack too.  You need a good nights sleep.  With time you will be feeling better.

Don't be so hard on yourself about your weight.  You just had a baby.  The baby weight will come back off.  Just take your time and enjoy your baby and see if your husband will stop drinking long enough for you to trust the baby with him and YOU get some well deserved sleep.

 

 

You need to talk to him about how his comments were hurtful and unhelpful. I hope he has the decency to feel bad about them when he sobers up.

Talk to him about why you haven't been having sex, and explain that you want to have more sex. I very much doubt it's because he would honestly rather not have sex at all, it might be due to stress from the kids or lack of time etc... And when you have kids, you have to plan sex ("date nights", babysitters) and that can be a tough adjustment when you're used to it being spontaneous.

Sounds like some good communication is in order. Maybe a family counselor would help. Either way, though, it's not fair to push each other's buttons or make jabs at areas that are known to be sensitive - in other words, it wasn't OK for him to say that to you. There is a fine line between "honesty" and verbal abuse (this goes both ways, so make sure you don't strike where it hurts either). Also, some things are only "true" to a person when they are drunk and/or in a bad mood, and the rest of the time they aren't true, so is it "honest" to spout them when the bad mood strikes? I don't think so. True honesty requires assimilation of all your feelings and views, as well as a little perspective.

Good luck. Do try to get some sleep. Maybe you have a relative or good friend that would be willing to come stay with you for a few days and help with the babies?  (Social workers call it "respite care", to give the overworked caregiver a rest.) And if hubby doesn't like it, he can pretty much lump it as it seems that you are really reaching the end of your rope...

I am with alleyway. There is nothing I can say that will make it better, but I will try. Use  it as fuel, Take everything that harts, get mad and let it drive you to be heathly. I don't want to tell you to tell you husband how it made you feel (talking is good), but I all so know how some men are. They don't even get why it hart so much and to me that would just make it worse to take my feelings to him and have him act like you are just make something out of nothing. Well I really hope this helps. Don't give up. What doesn't kill us make us stronger right. Push thru and focuse on the real reasons.

p.s Your baby is soooooooo cute:)

 

Hi irishbrat37

I remember a night much like you described. It happened to me, too - only my husband wasn't drinking; he just decided to let loose and tell me all these things that just about destroyed me. I remember crying ALL night, and all the next day and night. I have tried to forget it - but I still remember and it was 5 years ago. (Almost to the day).

But please hear me, you do have people who care about you in your life. And, your husband was, perhaps, just on a rant. This is what I did:

#1 - don't worry about food for awhile. Just relax and eat some things you enjoy but try to balance some healthy food in there too.

#2 - focus on your baby. Really think about the Mom you want to be for him. Do everything for him -- and that "everything" might eventually include working on your marriage so he grows up with 2 parents -- but it might not be time for that now.

 

#3 - get some help - so you can get some sleep. Do you have a friend who could watch your baby just for a few hours so you could get some good, restorative sleep? Everything is easier to take when you are rested.

#4 - renew your faith; turn to God, pray, meditate.

#5 - This sounds corny - but I wrote this little acronym in places I could see it "FITYMI" (Fake It Till You Make It) - I wrote it on my bathroom mirror, on my wallet, in the kitchen, etc. and I reminded myself through that saying, that I ultimately did want to stay in my marriage and stay with my 2 great children and be the best Mom I could be and be a friend to myself as well. And, little by little, I did find myself happy and being a stronger person. So find a little joy, each day, and keep going. FITYMI

Send me a note anytime. I'll be praying for you.