totally random, but I'd love your opinion/advice

This has NOTHING to do with weight loss or CC, but I figured you all might be able to give me an idea or two.

Erika has been my best friend since we were in 6th grade.  (We're 32 now.)  She had told me a few years ago that I would be her maid of honor when she got married, even though we aren't super close anymore.  Since she's an only child, and I've been like a sister to her for most of our life, this makes sense.  Or so I thought.  She told me last year that she got engaged.  She moved halfway across the continent a few years ago so I don't see her much, but I repeatedly asked her to let me know if there's anything I can do to help (esp since her family is still here).  She said, "no, it's pretty easy" and "it's just a small wedding" so I figured she was just having a small ceremony without any attendants.  About a month ago she emailed me and her college friends a link to their wedding website.  She not only has some other chick as her maid of honor, but also 3 bridesmaids!  I don't know any of them, so they aren't in her family or even from college(I know her family about as well as my own and 've met all her college pals.)  So they're people she's met in the past 3 years that she's lived out in St Paul.  Granted, one or two might me future sisters-in-law, but c'mon!  I'm hurt that I'm not even a bridesmaid.  Her mom was like my second mother, and vice-versa.  We were like sisters.

So, I'm thinking that I don't even want to go to the wedding.  I'll spend hundreds on travel for me and my boyfriend and probably not even get to have a conversation with her.  I'm also afraid that if I don't go to her wedding, this will "seal the fate" of our friendship.  I don't know what to tell her is the reason I won't be going.  If I tell the truth, then it will put her on the defensive.  I need to figure it out soon - an RSVP is needed by the end of the month.

Please give me your thoughts!!!! Thanks in advance.

If she moved out just recently - like a year or less - and did the same thing I would be direly disappointed but 3 years away - long distance -  is long enough to get established in new circles with new close friends.  If you (somehow) were there as well then I am sure you would be a bridesmaid - no questions asked.  But this is her point in her life now which is not in the past, and the past is swaying you.  She is living in the present, she has invited you so wants you to be there and that is testament to her appreciation of your friendship.  I wouldn't be surprised if she makes time for you.  I would go and be openly happy for her and happy that she has settled in so well with a husband and lovely friends (rather then ending up alone and not getting on with anyone).  And one day, if she needs someone who is not involved with everything there she knows she has you to count on.  As for the cost, well if that is a genuine barrier to you going then do tell her that. 

OK, as a guy and a husband, I guess I just do not understand your perspective. By your words, that was a few years ago. How much do you really know the bride now?

I think that a bridesmaid and a maid of honor has, like, actual responsibilies. You need to be, at the least supportive and helpful towards making things come together. Some bridesmaids go the extra mile and really help the brides get stuff together, but that depends entirely on the relationship.

I think your friend is doing what, as a bride, she should do.. surround herself with people she knows will support her, help her, minimize drama... And, of course, family since that's typically required in most American weddings, at least.

Now, as for you, I ask one question.. what happened between you and her? Why did you stop BEING her best friend? Did you drift apart? Did one of you do something to the other? I think the answer to that is the answer to why you weren't chosen to stand up at the wedding.

It's up to you if you want to go. I think if you still think of this girl as your friend, and want to continue the friendship, then you should swallow your bruised pride and go, to help your friend celebrate one of the most wonderful days in her life. If you just can't do that, then don't go, but, yes, the relationship will almost certainly suffer alot.

Wow...well...that's a tough one.  Personally, I think honesty is usually the best policy if for no other reason, it keeps your conscience clear and your heart light.  You need to weigh the value of the friendship and how strong your feelings are re: this (and your financial ability to even get out there for the wedding).  Are you close enough that you could just talk to her about how you're feeling while letting her know that you didn't want your feelings to erode your friendship?  If you remain close friends, your feelings on this will probably come out eventually anyway.  If you don't get it out in the open, go or not, will you harbor hard feelings toward your friend of 26 years?  If so, it's probably better to have an awkward conversation than a friendship completely lost.

Also, when someone's planning a wedding, their head is not all "in the game" if you know what I mean.  She's excited...and probably focused more on her future hubby than on any of the details of her wedding.  Maybe she didn't ask you because she didn't want to burden you with possible extra expensive trips out there -- to try on dresses, rehearsal, rehearsal dinners, etc.   

On the other hand, if the friendship is on a downward track anyway, you may be able to send a card and just gracefully back away...sadly, friends do come and go...especially when one moves far away.  Would you be ok with that?

Also -- just a side note - she probably won't remember half of the people who were/weren't at her wedding.  I know I didn't.

In response to a few comments, I want to say that I did NOTHING except be a good friend to her for the past 20 years.  The only thing that *might* be an issue is the fact that her mother died last summer.  She was diagnosed with cancer and since I work in the field of oncology, I knew by the description of everything that it was very serious and Erika needed to get her butt on a plane and visit her mom.  Erika ignored my advice ("we're trying to stay positive") and didn't come back to see her mother until she was already dead.  I wonder if on some subconscious level, she associates me with her mother's death.

Other than that, I have no idea.  We were really really close, even when we lived away from each other in college, grad school, etc.  We didn't need to see each other every day to know that this person who's known you for so long is still your best friend.  Whenever we'd see each other it was like we were never apart and were finishing each other's sentences.  She used to always say that I know her better than she knows herself.  I just don't get it.  I guess she's moving on in her new life.  She's only been there for 3 years, but if those people mean more to her than I do, I guess that's the way it goes.

If I were in that sitiutation I'd probably back out and say that travel cost is too expensive but you send your best wishes.Then when the excitement has settled from being a newly wed and you have chance to talk to her I'd bring it up then. I'd be offended if she had made that promise for so long and then broke it, but yeah i'd avoid until after to bring anything up.

I'd be peeved and confused too.  Without being too gruff or emotional; I'd ask her about it.  Perhaps she doesn't remember saying you were going to be in her wedding a few years ago-  but taking into consideration that you've been her BF since 6 and now your 32; there should be that line of communication.  Or, perhaps it is about her mom.  But I am not going to lie and say I wouldn't be slightly hurt. 

I have a BF since I was 8 and Im 30.  We don't see each other a lot now; but do talk via phone.  We always thought we were going to be in each other's wedding; but when she got married; she called me to let me know she had a bridal party in place-  that consisted of her sister and her sister's freind.  For the mere fact of being honest I wasn't mad (slightly relieved b/c it is a lot of $$) but the fact is she told me and took my feelings into consideration.

I would think long and hard about going to her wedding.  Don't miss it b/c you're angry and will regret it later down the road.  Let is seep.  But my bottom line in this post is I think you have a right to feel slighted.  And, after the wedding; I would tell her how you feel-  not before since she's probably going through planning hell and she might feel guilty and ask you to be in the wedding since you brought it up.  Does this help?

I can imagine that you must feel hurt & a bit miffed about her not making you maid of honor or even bridesmaid.

But maybe you should still go to the wedding (if money is not too much of a problem as you said it would be expensive) after all if you've been friends for such a long time she would be happy to see you there even if you hardly get to talk for long. It'll show that you still care about her & are still friends no matter how far away you are from each other. Put on a brave face & tell her you're happy shes settled so well.

If you do feel very awkward about going & money really will be a problem then don't go. Do send a card & maybe a present in the post. Maybe a phone call after the wedding/honeymoon to hear about it too.

What ever you decide still let her know you're thinkng of her & there for her as a friend.

First, being a bridesmaid just means you have to wear a tacky dress and perfect your photo smile.  You can't zone out during the boring ceremony portion and if the reception is dull, you can't leave early to hit the hotel bar.  I think you win.

Second, your friend and her fiancee planned their wedding for them and I'm sure you weren't the only one who "got left out", but it isn't about you.   I think it's selfish to confront her on this, why make her feel bad about it?  What do you gain?  You make her feel guilty or she gets defensive. 

Were you planning to go before and are only now waffling because you weren't ranked with the chosen girls? 

To be honest, I was planning on going until I saw that wedding website with her new pals listed as the wedding party.   I know that being a bridesmaid can be a PITA - I've been one more than once before.  But, I was willing.  I would have travelled out there beforehand or whenever she needed me.  I mean, I'm not rich, but I am comfortable enough that I would have gladly spent the money for her.  She didn't even ask.

I realize the wedding is not about me.  But if after all we've been through, I don't even rate as a stinkin' bridesmaid, then I don't know why I should go.  It's obvious our friendship doesn't matter to her anymore.  I don't want to confront her.  I don't want to deal with it at all, actually.  But, I think she's going to want to know why I'm not going to her wedding.  I can't just check the "not attending" box on the reply card and mail it in!  I think I need to write her a letter or something.  Maybe I can just send a wedding card (with a check or gift certificate in it) and say that I'm really sorry I can't go, but we can't afford it now.

Maybe it's time to lose a friend.  It's clear I'm not in her priorities anymore.

Um, a little dramatic.

Just call her (or e-mail) and ask what's up.

That's what best friends do.

Sheesh!

Bridal parties can be a political decision, and it sounds like you guys aren't in close enough touch for you to know why she made the choices she did. Some people agonize over choosing their parties and feel embarrassed about leaving people out.

Just ask her about it. You'll feel better, she'll get a chance to explain, and at least you'll know where you stand.

this might sound a bit harsh but if my best friend from my school days got a pissy at me because she wasn't gonig to be a bridesmaid in my wedding i wouldn't want her there.

 I'm only getting married once and i'm going to have the best day of my life. I don't want people who aren't going to be happy for me there. I don't want them to complain and moan they weren't included. Its MY day not theirs, if they don't like then leave or hell don't even turn up at all. But if they were a true friend like i know my best friend is she'd turn up to the wedding and reception and still have a bloody good time celebrating one of the most important days of one of her childhood friend's lives.

 Yeah so she might not be a bridemaid like i promised her all those years ago but she's still happy for me and isn't going let one thing ruin years of friendship. She would know that its impossible to please everyone and wouldn't take it a personal attack on her but in my case it would to save on the family drama that will be involved on my big day. As my best friend she would the 'lesser of two evils' to dissapoint. she'd be understanding, my in laws to be however would probably not.

lifeizsweet makes a good point. On the other hand, I can totally relate to the way you feel and I can imagine myself feeling the same way in this circumstance. Personally I think I wouldn't go to the wedding, but I would send a card and gift, regrets at not being able to attend, blah blah blah.

My reasoning would be this: if I felt so annoyed by her excluding me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour, I figure she wasn't such a great friend anyway and no great loss. If I truly cared about her and her happiness (that type of friend) then I would be ok with whoever she had chosen and just go to the wedding and celebrate the occasion.

I have a very large, close knit group of friends. I've been hurt when I wasn't asked to be in a couple of their weddings. But there's no way they could have all of their good friends, it would cost a fortune and be a huge bridal party.

People change. I would advise you to attend the wedding, give a gift, and continue to be the loving and supportive friend that you have been. It's her wedding. Without trying to sound crass, it's her day and she can do what she wants... it's supposed to be all about her. It could be because of logistics that she is having the girls that she asked, it could be that she is closer to them now - you mentioned that you and she have grown apart.

I have friends who didn't ask me to be in their weddings, and at the time I was hurt. But 1, it's a HUGE expense and a huge pain in the butt to be in a wedding, and 2, some of those women I am much closer friends with now than I was at the time they got married. Being in a wedding doesn't have to make or break a friendship.

I would just suck it up and go to the wedding.

it could be not just that she is emotionally closer to them, but that they are closer geographically. I am getting married the end of September, and all my bridesmaids are scattered across the country. My MOH is my little sister she is a 7 hour drive away, one is in Costa Rica, and one is in LA. I live in Tallahassee, Fl. It's really really hard not having my friends there to support me. A couple of times I went dress shopping ALONE and was so lost. I just needed advice. I'm doing my own invites, and some of the centerpieces myself and I get so frustrated because none of my friends are here to help me! I really wish they would be so we could get together a couple times with a bottle of champagne, put on a cheesy movie, and make the centerpieces, or the invites.

It could be that she knew she wanted a lot out of her bridesmaids, and she needed their support there. I have a best friend (from high school), that I did not ask because of that reason. We have grown apart and we don't talk as often as we should, but we know when we get together, that nothing has changed. In fact I went to visit her a month ago and she was extremely happy for me and the wedding. We're going to share a room the night before the ceremony, and I know she will help me celebrate like old days during the bachelorette party!

I'm sure she meant no slight against you. It probably was just easier for her, stress wise, to know she could have people there everyday to help her with the wedding stress. Not to mention coordinating dresses for 3 girls who live so far away! I'm about ready to develop an ulser. Seriously.

I want to say that she is not just some friend from "my school days".  We were close in college, and after college.  It was really only in the last 3 years or so that we haven't called or emailed as often as we used to.  We are 32, not 20.  This has been a major friendship for most of our lives.

I know she's having a low-key wedding and is not doing anything elaborate that would need a local bridesmaid.  That said, you'd think she might want a bridesmaid back home to organize a family bridal shower since this is where all her family lives.

It's clear that she's just moved on.  For whatever reason, she's making a break with her past.  The last time she was back home,  we made plans for both couples to go out because I hadn't met her boyfriend (now fiancee) yet.  She blew me off at the last minute.  Apparently, I'm just not important in her life anymore.  So why should I spend $1500+ to watch her marry a man she didn't even want me to meet?  She's moved on.  So will I.

It's funny the kinds of responses I've gotten on here - maybe it helps to know her to understand.  My mom, dad, and boyfriend (who usually disagree about everything) are all in agreement that I should not go.  They know first-hand what good friends we have been.  And they've seen how self-involved and flighty Erika has always been.

Thanks for your advice.  I won't tell her the real reason I'm not going unless she asks, which she probably won't (see comment above about how she's self-involved and flighty).

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.  My best friend and I were extremely close throughout junior high and high school (she even lived with my family for a couple of years).  I moved across the country to go to college and have stayed out here for the last decade.  Neither of us have been particularly good at keeping in touch, but we still consider ourselves great friends.  When she got married, she didn't have any attendants, but she still called me to let me know the situation.  I think that's the major problem with the situation you've described.  Your friend didn't give you a personal heads-up.  Just given how long you've been friends, I would have expected some sort of heads-up from her.  Although there might be valid reasons for her to make the choices that she made, it's still understandable that you'd be upset because she wasn't considerate enough of your friendship to let you know personally.

It seems like you're really angry with her now.  Unfortunately, due to the RSVP deadline, you're going to have to decide whether or not to attend the wedding, but I would strongly suggest waiting until you talk with her to decide whether saving the friendship is worth the effort.

it all comes down to the question. Is there a open bar? even if there isnt think of the free champagne

Its sounds like your concious that over the last few years your friendship has faded and that this understandably has been disappointing for you so not being asked to be in the bridal party probably is that much more hurtful, like a confirmation of the direction your friendship. 

Im thinking in your eyes had you been asked, it would have been a chance to reconnect and thats probably true.  What I hear from you is serious disappoint, over the bridal thing but also over the friendship situation which it reflects on. 

Personally, I would back off the bridal thing and refocus on the friendship if you address her at all.  You dont want to be somehow included in it through guilt and its the friendship that would matter most.  In your shoes, sure I'd like to be part of her day if she meant that much to me but true - her day, and the friendship issue will still remain after the big day passes. 

As far as going, I think go.  I understand why your questioning it but if I felt I should be asked to be in a bridal party, I would go as an act of support and celebration of your 'friends' day.  I know thats easy to say, not feeling the disappointment myself but I suspect you will feel better having gone.  If the friendship does continue to weaken, you'll know you stepped up and did what you could (not that you havent done other things like it). 

I agree that wedding pressures do not provide a bride with room to reconnect, catchup but not being there at such important life moments would really overshadow not being selected in the choice of bridemaids.