A touchy subject

I was reading Dan Savage's column this week (Savage Love at TheStranger.com), and there was an old question from a man asking how to approach his wife's weight problem. He said they'd been together for 10 years and she was growing less attractive to him because of the gain and he was worried about her health. It was actually a very honest and sad letter. Dan Savage told the guy to be honest, and in turn, he got so much flack for it! What do you guys think?

I was really surprised at the response of "never bring it up" and "you are a jerk and she should dump you!" - I'm somewhat of a yo-yo-er, and my husband is very, ahem, clear and concise when I am no longer just maintaining. It hurts my feelings, but I'd rather know. On the other hand, weight loss is to me harder than quitting smoking - you can never avoid food like you can bars and cigarettes.

I'm very curious.

I think id like to know why my spouse is becoming unattracted to me

weight is something you can (for the mot part) control, rather than something else..

So like I said, id rather know.  Im sure the wife can tell the guy is becoming turned off by her! 

I DON'T think you should tell the person. Everybody looks in the mirror and can see what's going on. Whether they are in denial or not is another story, but I don't think it ever helps to tell somebody they're getting fat. I'll bet money on the fact that the guy is worried about looks ONLY and not her health; otherwise, he simply would not care. When you're with someone that long, you can't care.

Exactly my thoughts Dave. I don't think it's shallow because we have our types. My husband and I discussed this for an hour because he's the exercise maniac and I'm the peanut butter maniac. He was very honest (ouch!!) with me about how he feels like he keeps himself in great shape and he expects the same from everybody else. I told him that it's unrealistic to expect so much, but recognize that I try to live up to his standards. I will never look 24 again, sorry. I have a lady-body! I like my lady-body! Wow, now I'm just venting!

Alayney, the guy was worried about cheating on his wife. He didn't want to cheat, but he was no longer "into" her. Oops, no pun intended! Dan Savage said, okay, you don't want to cheat and possibly ruin your marriage, so say something - I think that's how it went.

Tell her... i would.  Id hope someone would tell me.   No reason for someone to be fat at all... at least way back when it brought you status, WTFs the point these days?

I think if a person is in a committed, monogamous relationship, and they no longer find the other person attractive, they ought to say so.

That way, as shallow as it may seem, at least their partner will know and can either lose the weight or find someone else.

If I did something that made me less attractive to my husband, I would want to know, even if it hurt.

I'd be upset if Alex didn't express concerns about my weight.  When I gained 20 pounds after being with him, he didn't say anything.  He likes big girls as much as he likes fit girls and he was well in love with my personality.  Looks were just a bonus. 

But twenty pounds?  I knew I'd gained that much weight but didn't realise I was bursting seams in my jeans trying to squeeze into them.  I knew I was testing my pants durability but didn't realise until I'd lost weight, tried them on, and felt the loose threads from the seams brushing my legs.

I told him if I ever look like I'm gaining weight, tell me.  Even if I'm pregnant, tell me.  I do have mirrors, but I'm used to looking at a 220 pound person so when I see myself at 190, I still see a big improvement over what I used to see.

And I tell him the same.  He did an amasing job of losing ten pounds and getting back into his jeans.  And then he felt relaxed and comfortable, so he started back with old habits.  Drinking soda.  I mentioned to him when he was trying desperately to squeeze into his jeans that maybe he'd gained.  He insisted he always had to squeeze into that pair but stepped on the scale anyway.  He did gain eight pounds and was glad I told him.  He folded up those pants and put them away, and hasn't had soda since.  And his weight is starting to go back down.

Part of a loving and trusting relationship is to mention these little things without being worried.

I would honestly rather my husband tell me I have gained to much weight if the thought of cheating on me in his head because of the weight. I understand weight is a touchy subject particularly for women. But what would you rather be told to you "Honey I love you but you are putting on to much weight. And honestly its getting to be unattractive." Or a year up the road "Honey I have been cheating on you for a year because you became unattractive to me because of the weight gain." Personally I would take the first option and work from there.

You would have thought that a married couple would be a bit more secure.

My mum is a yo-yo dieter (gaining and losing 50lb kinda yo-yo, not just a few pounds), and my dad sometimes puts on a lil bit at times too. And they can just joke about it together, not feel unsure if they should keep silent.

OK maybe I am the insecure one here, but had hubby came at me with the old, "You're getting too fat" speech, he probably wouldn't have lived to tell the tale and no one would have heard of it anyway. Well, except the worms under the floorboards... OK, I am just kidding, grotesquely kidding, but kidding.   Luckily this never was an issue - he never did and I am not a widow!

I really don't think it is effective anyway, other than just making extemely insecure women want to eat more and the more secure woman just down right mad. Hubby had started on his own weight loss program purely to feel better about himself. He  set a great example and I thought, "wow, what a great idea" and followed suit. We both love how the other is looking, but we didn't start on this to please the other person, that just ended up to be a great perk! 

I think it's completely understandable why a person might want their SO to stay attractive to them. It's ridiculous to me to say that after being together that long he wouldn't care about looks. Truly, it's the opposite. They aren't in the honeymoon stage anymore. Plus, he must care about her or he wouldn't even have bothered to ask for help.

That being said, there is more than one way for this gentleman to approach the subject. One good way would be to say, "Honey, I think we have both been eating a little less healthily the past couple years, and I think we should start doing some healthier eating together, and start working out." That way he isn't putting the subject in an accusatory manner.

It's unfair for him to sit quietly and feel like he HAS to be attracted to her just because women are sensitive. It's also unfair to her. You can't say that she clearly sees her weight gain. I don't know how many people on here I have seen with photos titled "This photo is what finally made me realize I need to lose weight." For some people they just don't realize how bad it's gotten. 

Me and my SO are in agreement that if I ever started getting beyond what we think is healthy to please discuss it with me. Better that than to have him up and leave me without ever explaining why. 

If I were married and gained weight, Id want to be told if my spouse was considering cheating so I could dump his arse.  You dont have to cross that line, entertaining the thought is enough not to want you.  Im not talking fantasizing or flirting but seriously considering decieving and betraying someone cold-hearted and outrageously selfish. 

If he was less attracted and/or attracted to other women, thats a different story and rather understandable and not even a character flaw.  Doesnt work that way though does it.  Cheaters cheat, and it how strong the reason has to be is just semantics.  A respectful and trustworthy person will try to fix things or leave.

If he addressed his wife and she refused to do anything about it and in fact gained more weight, he'd have three choices - accept it, leave her or cheat.  I wouldnt blame him if he couldnt get past it and ended the relationship but to manipulate a relationship in order to have sex outside it because your unhappy is inexcusable.  Work on it or leave.

Regarding the weight, yes touchy. There's being less attracted and being unattracted.  You can love someone and be unattracted because of weight as well as other things like hygiene.  I do think the right thing to do is be tactful and honest.  There's a range of being overweight before one becomes unhealthy, but if its to the point to be a health issue - thats the route to go.  If she isnt that overweight then I say encourage a healthy lifestyle and suck it up or walk.  Its their body and one should try to be attractive for their mate, but the call is still theirs.

I like what sun said, "be tactful and honest."  My husband likes fat girls so I'm no help really.  He wants me to gain weight (o_o)

I think the person should tell their spouse directly their feelings verbatim. They may consider it hurtful and think of their spouse differently. But, anything you have to hide within a relationship is wrong. I'd rather know the truth than have my spouse seek out attriubtes elsewhere. It's obviously bothering him that his spouse no longer possess qualities that she did previously. Things that caused him to fall in love with her. People change throughout marraige, but normally it's a mutual growth forward. People grow at different rates, in this case they've grown apart. If someone takes steps backwards from what attracted their spouse to them... It's counter productive. Some people are attracted to things others consider shallow. But, that doesn't make it any less the foundation of their relationship. They based their relationship on shallow ground.


I'll remain the same woman my husband fell in love with. To different people that means different things. Keep themselves up and remaining true to themselves in different areas. Depending upon the relationship  to fulfill their partners needs mind, body and spirit. Or perhaps only in one area. Or two of them. Or they may have a different list of needs altogether.

I'd never tell my dear one that his beer belly is a turnoff.  I'll love him forever, no matter what.  I do believe he feels the same way about me. 

I think it's best to be honest. I would like my fiance to tell me and I recently had to tell him that he was getting a bit of a tummy- but I said it sweetly and as gently as possible.

I've been with my husband for the last 20 years or so- married for the last 14 of them.  He has never once complained about my weight or my eating habits.  I was up over 300 pounds.  It is scary because I always told myself that I'd never let myself get over 300 pounds then one day I was there.... Though I haven't flat out told him that I'm trying to get to 200 I think he knows that I'm trying to lose weight. He doesn't encourage me nor does he discourage me. He himself wants to get rid of his "kangaroo pouch." (his words)- So when I shop now- I shop for more healthy foods and in fact- I have to hide my Luna bars- or he will eat them! I told him that Luna bars are supposed to be for woman but he said that he likes them too!  I was alway told that when you want to lose weight- you should lose it for yourself and not for someone else.  And after years of yo-yoing- I think I'm finally in the right mind set to know this will be a life long journey. One day at a time and one step at a time.... I'm lucky that he isn't some jack ass harping on my to lose weight because I think it would backfire and I'd just eat in secret and gain more weight.... It is a fine line and there are right and wrong ways to go about it.....

 I agree. I think humans as a whole are very judgemental by nature. But, my husband knows that my goal isn't to judge him. Or whatever he may say... I'm not out to make it a negative or postive way... My goal is just to listen so I understand his feelings verbatim whatever they may be. It's pretty sad when people have to walk on eggshells around those they love. They should be able to express themselves without the concern of retribution. I think hiding your feelings from your partner is wrong. I've always heard that you can only trust your enemies will tell you the truth. The reason being that normally friends and family are obligated to protect you from it. I wouldn't want my husband to feel obligated to hide his feelings in order to protect me. If you habor feelings like that it hurts you both in the long run anyhow. 

Personally my ex would always tell me if I was getting too heavy or if I was getting too light... It does hurt, but no more than what I might have been telling myself. If my biggest pair of jeans was starting to feel too tight, yeah, not happy, disgusted with myself. So he says, ya know, you're getting fat! Ok tell me something I don't know...

So if a partner is going to say something, say it before it gets to the point where they are no longer attracted (and are thinking of cheating). If it truly doesn't matter, don't bother to say anything, ever...

i love my mate dearly and vice versa. i know he wants me to gain some weight because he's concerned about my health.  i'd like him to lose some weight because i'm concerned about his.

we always talk about what we find attractive about the other person.  i guess we're so much in love with our personalities that i honestly believe we would never "give up" on each other if something drastic happened to our weights.  we just remind each other how we want to spend a long healthy life together and encourage each other to be as healthy as we can. 

i've been making his dinners and getting him to eat more vegetables.  he's reminding me to eat something for dinner, even if i'm not hungry. i noticed he lost a few pounds, despite all the holiday treats and his super sweet tooth.  i don't nag him about what he eats, but i do check up on how he's feeling physically and tell him i'm proud of him for moderating himself with the cookies and that he's looking good.

honesty can be kind when you have your mate's best interests at heart.  just be encouraging and concerned not critical and confrontational.