trapped, lost, sad (please help, kind of long..)

Hey everyone. I am new to this community and decided to join to hopefully get some much needed support. I have been struggling with disordered eating for about 1.5 years. I have always had a very negative image of my body (I can remember being eight years old and crying over my "fat thighs"). I have struggled with purging, starving, over-exercising, depression, etc. I am a university student with very good grades and a promised internship for the summer. I have a huge social network, an amazing job, and the best boyfriend. I have so much going for me, but I constantly feel trapped and lost in my negative body image. I don't know what to do. After reaching my highest weight of about 135 pounds (I am 5' 7.5"), I decided to do whatever it took to lose some weight. I restricted my calories. At my worst, I was consuming about 400 calories a day. I lost weight quickly, and was down to 110 pounds in two months.

Now, I realize how terrible I look. I have slowly increased my caloric intake. Through the help of my amazing boyfriend and supportive roommates, I have realized that I need to gain some weight in order to not only look better, but have a healthier life. I have realized that I have no energy. I used to run 5 or 6 miles a day. Now I have trouble completing two. I never make my way to the gym anymore. I used to dance around my room, skip through my apartment, and have fun with my friends. Now, all I can really do is lay on the couch. My hair has started to fall out. My bones are weak. I'm always cold.

Every time I decide to "get better", I eat more food. Of course, this is only vegetables, salad, coffee, oatmeal, and egg whites... my "safe foods." Every once in a while I will treat myself to some cheese or some yogurt.

I hate my life right now. I always think I'm going to get better (and I am a lot better than I was a month ago), but I weighed myself for the first time yesterday in a couple months and realized that I still haven't put on a significant amount of weight. I used to be so happy. Now I'm not. I've tried seeing a therapist through student services, but that didn't help.

Take a look at my profile pictures. I would LOVE to look the way I did when I weighed my highest (between 130 and 135). Now, I look so frail.

I don't know what to do. I eat constantly. Honestly. Although, like I said, it's all of my safe foods. I consume between 1000 and 1500 calories a day. I want to be strong again. I want to be able to work out and have energy. What do you do to combat the "guilt" of gaining weight? When I do begin to gain weight, will it all be "mushy" fat? I used to be so toned. I'm afraid that once I begin to gain weight, I won't stop. That is my worst nightmare. If I up my calories, will this happen? How many calories should I consume?

I just need some general guidelines.

This seems like an amazing community. I am ready to do what it takes to start living my life and not my eating disorder.

There are number of members here who can give you good advice on eating and working out to gain muscle.  You probably do need to put on some fat in order to be healthy, but you can add muscle at the same time.  It would probably be a good idea for you to move away from your "safe" foods and into more calorie-dense foods like nuts, peanut butter, avocados, etc.  There have been a number of threads from others who want to gain but feel like they're already eating a lot of food; the trick is to make each bite as (nutritiously) calorie-packed as possible, which means fewer lean foods.  There are also a number of threads from people dealing with the feelings they're experiencing as they work to gain weight; use the "search" feature for forums to locate those threads.

You're not alone; there are plenty of people on the site who are going through what you are, and they'll help you.  Don't forget to use the keyword search to see what's already been submitted that might be useful info for you.  Hang in there; you're on the right track.  *hugs*

I can't give a lot of advice, not being a dietician, but I notice that your "safe" foods don't include a lot of protein, which will help a lot with helping you build back up muscle instead of fat (and save you from those nasty insulin spikes, which are when the fat really packs on.)  It sounds like your "safe foods" are all really low fat and not calorie dense at all, have you thought about branching out to chicken breast meat?  Lots of protein, no fat, and a few more calories.  :)

 For the record, you were beautiful in those early pictures.  I don't think you need to be afraid of putting it back on.  :)  Take it easy on yourself, work a little protein into your diet.  You *will* be OK. 

And remember, nothing is irrevocable.  Even if you accidentally gain a little mushy fat, you can make it go away again through exercise.  *YOU* control what you eat, when you exercise, there are thousands of women on here proving that you can go any direction with your weight you want to.  You aren't at the mercy of your body if you don't want to be.  *hugs*  Good luck.

There are a few girls on here that are successfully over coming disordered eating. I would encourage you to private message one of them because you don't sound happy the way things are right now. If things get any worse, this obsessive lifestyle could get worse.

Try this thread. 

I like to look at gaining weight as the opposite of losing weight.  It's perfectly healthy to put on 1-2 lbs per week and you face the same challenges as those of us losing weight just from the opposite end. 1000-1500 calories is not sufficient for you to gain weight. 1500 might be enough for you to maintain your weight in your current state, but I doubt it, I would guess that 1800 is more accurate, but you can run the numbers to be sure (if you're a teenager, the CC numbers will be under, use the Calculator and calorie information for Teens instead).  It takes 3500 calories over what you eat to maintain to gain 1 lb when your body is functioning correctly.  If you spread that 3500 calories out over the course of a week, you eat 500 calories over what it takes you to maintain your weight.  If you exercise, you have to eat more to make up for the exercise.

There are some additional challenges in dealing with disordered eating which are far beyond my experience, but we do have a number of resources that might help you.  Eating disorders by Matthew Tidemeyer. An ED resource link put together by our members.  From what I've heard other members say, there is nothing that beats a good counseling and support system.

 

Hey there ....I am currently going through recovery and have similiar stats. I was 132 at my heaviest and 94 at my lowest. I am 22 and 5'7ish. I just wanted to post here to let you know that I have been in this SAME exact situation with wanting to look how I use to when I didn't care, but not wanting to gain. I know how you feel and I too am trying to cope with the fact that we are gaining so much through recovery other than weight. I know that I am gaining my life back through spending time with friends and family and my bf! I actually am gaining more energy and more strength.

This community is a great place to turn to when I get a bad day or have ED thoughts. I find though that with each new day comes a new chance for me to change my negative ways and embrace becoming healthy. All I try to focus on is living the life that I should be living, instead of killing myself with not eating food, which should be something that is loved and benefical to our bodies!

Good Luck...I would love to hear from you! Please message me!

Hey nwoodrum, I'm in the same boat! I'm also 5'7" and got my wake-up call when I started having heart palpitations and fainting spells at around 100ish (may have gone lower, not really sure and honestly a bit scared to find out). I also suffered from restricting, but eventually that spiraled into restricting, then bingeing to make up for it, and purging to make up for THAT, and back to restrcting again. It's a terrible way to live, and something that's really hard to overcome. Trust me, I know how difficult it is, but you've already made the biggest step in deciding to change and consciously choosing to be healthy! We're all here to help you, whether it be offering advice and support, listening while you rant, or just being there for you to know that you're not alone. You can do it and we're all rooting for you! Hang it there! 

Can i start by saying my heart goes out to you, it really does. I dont even know you but I feel like we have known each other forever because your story is so real, and so familiar to me. I want to hug you because I know how hard this ordeal is, I would never wish anorexia upon my WORST enemy, ever. ever. Anyway, I have been ana since 7th grade. I willed myself to recover about a year and a half later but still have less-than-ideal relationship with food which is exacerbated by stress and other factors. But nonetheless, i'm not ana anymore (I would consider myself ED-NOS) and ANA in its worst stages like you are in,can be recovered from. Yeah, its really hard and it takes a long time to forget the calorie counts of every single little thing (i still know most) but you can do it, I DID IT as an 8th grader (i'm in college now). I got help. Get help, psych help has a bad stigma these days but we all are a little eff'd up and it would really benefit you, its the ONLY way. if you are as frail as you say, I advise taking the bold, brave move to get into an ED clinic. 

 

lastly, dont worry about getting fat. Dont! I initially lost 50 pounds from my little 7th grade self back in the day, I had a growth spurt and grew 5 inches in that time as well. Ana made me look hideous. I gained 40 of the pounds back and not only was it the most fun time of my life, energy and vitality started to come back to me, i got my friends back, i enjoyed life in all its minute parts again...oh i cant even begin to expound on recovery.

 

Don't let this control you. you are too smart, life is too beautiful and and your purpose on earth is greater than this. I do not believe this has anything to do with magazines, the media or any of that crap. Its a deeper underlying issue and the sooner you resolve it the better. mine was my dad. my body has found so many unhealthy ways to deal with the stress of my dad dying, from hypochondria when i was younger to ana to anxiety to stomach ulcers. I am happiest with the ulcers because I can take medicine, no medicine for ana.

 

if u ever need to talk, message me. if u dont believe I am still thin 40 pounds later, look at my picture (though its very vague bc i dont like being so public on here) 

I want to thank everyone for their support. Honestly, it brought tears to my eyes. Oink, torpidire, and linny.. it's really relieving to know that you are willing to be there for me (especially when you don't even personally know me). These issues with food are TERRIBLE, but it's comforting to see other women who have the same stats as me who struggle, but ARE getting tremendously better. It really makes me want to take control of my life. I also appreciate all of you encouraging me to message you if I need any thing. I encourage you to do the same to me. Although I'm new here, it's great to be able to talk to someone who is going through the same hard times.

As someone suggested, I have began looking at previous threads for motivation, tips on getting better, and just to have a more positive outlook on recovery. For the first time in a long time, I am genuinely excited to live and fight my disease.

THANK YOU ALL!!!!! =)

Hi Nwoodrum-

I don't normally post, because the first time I did, I got blasted.  But just wanted to say that I know how you feel, and Linny's comments are always helpful (I just read now, and don't post).  But I wanted to tell you that your comments hit close to home.

 

Thanks lilyorca for your kind words! And thanks to every one who has truely listened!

Nwoodrum: You are so gorgeous and you deserve to be healthy and happy in life. Heck we all do! But I wanted to let you know that fear is okay. Having feelings of fear actually is your minds way of letting you know that something is going on. If we didn't have a fear of gaining this wouldn't be so hard, but we do, and it is! The most important thing that comes to mind when I think of having fear is proving to myself that I can conquer this fear. Remember that "the only thing to fear is fear itself"! You are strong for coming here and posting. I remember the first time I posted and I was soo scared, and now I have been posting for months and it truely helps with each day!

Just think, if we knew what tommorrow would bring then we would never have surprises or miracles of joy. Be your own miracle of joy and realize that with each day is a new chance and choice to change in the positive direction. Realizing that you are a victim of this ED is what it takes to move forward. You ARE moving forward. Take it one day at a time....it will get easier. And every time you hear ED creeping in.....tell it that you are going to go get a snack now and to """" off! HAA!! Good Luck!

Life is all about balance...

Most of us here, are here because we have some type of eating disorder. Some of us have too much control (you), and some of us have no control at all (me). I really suggest professional help. Not one of those centers that make you eat, until you are at an appropriate weight, but a place where you can figure out why you feel the need to have so much control. What happened in your life that got you to this point. You are wonderful, in the fact that you see a clear picture of yourself, you are off to a great start. And being here, on CC will help as well, people here are so supportive.

Pick your head up. Smile! You are brilliant, intelligent and beautiful. You will find that perfect balance. Just give it your all and continue to reach out for help. You are NOT IN THIS ALONE!

It might be helpful to get a blood test done- Your diet does not sound like it has a lot of Iron. Without Iron you will become very anemic. Anemic people are always tired and pushing themselves. It can happen gradually over the years, with the iron loss from your periods not been adequately replenished by your diet. If for some weird reason you do not want a blood test done, try iron pills for a couple of months- maybe later if you find it gives you energy just make certain you either take iron for a week every month or get a good quality vitamin with Iron. (be suspicious - there is a real market in counterfeit pills out there, so it would be best if you also try to incorporate high iron foods in your diet).

I do think you have a problem since at 135 at your height makes you "Skinny"-  If you have been eating similar foods all along, you are not naturally slim.  Keep that in mind if you are ever under stress (pregnancy, illness, accident) - you will have to pay more attention to your diet than a naturally slim person who will not be afraid to consume more to recover from an illness, or if pregnant eat more to ensure your child is has adequate variety for foods to be healthy.  One of the risks of ED is that you are more susceptible to stress and illness than a person with  a "normal, healthy " food intake. Your body is NOT feed the nutrients it needs-for example vitamins are called vitamins because they are necessary metabolic compounds you body cannot manufacture (if you body CAN manufacture it, it would never be labeled a vitamin, there is also some thing called trace elements(like Iron) that the body needs- they are not referred to as Vitamins because they are simple elements, not complex molecules the body cannot manufacture.)There is only so much  a persons body can store, and it can only store what it is feed.  There are times when I think Ed people have a desire to die young like type I diabetics who do not control their sugar. Both have not reason out what they REALLY want out of life. Especially striking since both show such life shortening choices at similar ages.  Do look up information on such diabetic people and see if your attitudes are reflected there. Maybe if you realize you have more choices than type1 diabetics, you can get control of your ED behavior.  Type 1 diabetic people sometimes ARE unaware that the earliest people diagnosed with diabetes HAVE lived to their 80's with a sound mind despite been a diabetic all their lives.

Nsgardener: thank you very much for your ideas about possible anemia and diabetes. you are right about the low iron--i have always had low iron (usually low enough to be considered "anemic"). i do take a multi-vitamin that contains 100% of daily iron. i know this isn't adequate enough as getting vitamins from my diet.

What i don't understand about your response is where you say, "If you have been eating similar foods all along, you are not naturally slim." I used to eat anything I wanted and craved and never had a problem with gaining weight. When I first gained weight (which triggered my severe dieting), I was close to 3000 calories a day, maybe 3500. This is when I was 135 pounds. My ideal weight is 125, which is what I maintained throughout high school and my freshman year of college. During this time, I was consuming about 2000 to 2500 calories a day.

The main thing that I'm afraid of is that I've messed up my metabolism. I think this is what is keeping me from upping my calories. I have been doing much better though, getting up to about 1300 a day.

Again, thank you everyone for your responses!

You have to remind yourself the goal is to gain. It will be scary but as you see what in life you gain it gets easier. You have to push past the fears. I really encourage therapy and nutritionist and a gp. You dropped a lot of weight in a short time and need a check up. I have gained a huge amount of weight and still eat 3500 a day. There were many ed thoughts especially in the start since I struggled for 12 years and was hospitlized many times. You have to remind yourself that the worries on metabolism so on is the ed right now.Your body will adjust but may be confused for awhile. You need more then 1300 and have to accept reaching a normal weight for you which may not be a size 2 but will give you a full life.Do you know some of the issues why you use your body in a destructive way? You know for many years being extremly underweight I wanted to gain but couldn't do it because I was focusing more on the weight and less on what the issue was. Physical health is number 1 but you have to work on the issues too.

Sorry,about your confusion. I just got the impression you have been eating very little all along. that is why the comment. I remember at work one Christmas when there was more than the usual candy, the slimiest girls were the ones that ate the most candy and from coffee break talk  they were not stinting at the usual Christmas goodies when not at work either.  I would have easily gained 10 lbs if I ate what they claimed to be eating. There was a discussion about that needless to say from the non slim fellow co-workers. (at work we had similar jobs since we were rotated )

Definately get your blood checked for Anemia, and for Iron load. I cannot remember the term but it  indicates how much iron was been transported by iron transporting molecules to various parts of the body- if low indicates your body in not getting enough Iron from your diet (you are losing iron faster than your bodies mechanisms to recycle your iron. most iron will be used for your red cells to bind oxygen and carbon-dioxide). the red cell indicies will only show anemia. It will not tell you if you are anemic because you were not getting enough Iron from your diet.

The iron in  a vit pill may be ok for only a slight compensation.  If you are constantly been slightly anemic all your life, you definitely need more than what is an average daily amount. Because of blood loss, a menstrating woman always require more iron in their diet than men.   "Normal" rates vary from population to population. If all the population is anemic due to a lack of iron in their diet, its normals are different form a population that consumes more iron in their diet.  If your friends are consuming a diet that has more way more iron, and you have always tended to have Iron deficency anemia, comparing calories consumed is meaningless. They, especially if female, will have more energy.    One of the reasons why there is a great popularity in bottle feeding compared to breast feeding is that the bottle fed child may be getting more iron (and other nutrients). A mother lacking iron in her diet is NOT able to give sufficiently healthy amounts of iron to her child.  Breast vs bottle, which is better is always dependent on individual circumstances. 

You sound like how I was last year when I was 140 and determined to lose weight at the beginning of the school year...within 3 months I lost 20 lbs and within another month I lost 5 or 10 more...I've gotten up to a healthy 130 now, and that's where I should be. I could be more, but I choose not to be, because I'm afraid of being 'fat'...you know how that goes...but anyway, when the end of the school year came, I was about 115 lbs and 5' 6''...and family came from out of state, and my closest cousin started to cry because I looked so sick. That's when I KNEW I needed to gain; even though my messed up image in my head still made me feel fat. So when I went back home with them to Oklahoma, I started eating again. I gained in fat and muscle 10 lbs in about a month and a half...I hated it, but I knew it HAD to be done in order to be healthy. When I came back home after the summer, I was a completely different person. I also immediately started up in my swimming with my high school swim team, and also started to run every day. I lost the fat, and replaced it with muscle, and now I am 130 lbs. Even though I am the same 'size' as I was at 115, I'm not frail anymore. I am much more toned and healthy, and I even grew a couple inches. So that just shows that I really truly gained in bone mass and muscle mass, and that I still look great. My skin is better, my hair is thicker, my body temperature isn't FREEZING cold anymore...trust me hun, I KNOW you can do it.

Try eating about 2000 calories instead of 1500...and allow yourself to splurge every once in a while...say once a week...and don't be afraid to eat other foods out of your safe zone. I had a hard time doing this too, so I can understand your struggles. I too ate only oatmeal, yogurt, alternative bagels, fruits, and vegies...but I slowly started introducing myself back to eating those OTHER foods, therefore, slowly started making myself become healthier again.

Do you have stomach problems?: gas, bloating, diarrhea, constipation, etc? If you do, or even if you don't, start taking some Acidophilus Pearls. You can get them at any healthfood store. They are the best brand of the acidoph. bacteria you can buy. It will help everything from your digestion to your hair to your mood. Trust me, it works. I BELIEVE IN YOU!!! You CAN and WILL beath this.

Nsgardener: Thanks again for all of your helpful information and wisdom. I made an appointment to get my blood checked, and I greatly appreciate your encouragement to do so.

hope: You're right about my worries about metabolism being part of the ED and not rational thought. I think that therapy would probably be a good idea (I tried it once) because, like you said, there are probably some underlying issues. Thank you for your support!

Mariposasola: Thank you VERY much for your reply. It's so good to see that you have recovered and have had such a similar experience as mine. You are absolutely gorgeous (the purple dress picture is stunning!), and seeing you really motivates me to get better. Also, I'm going to look into that medicine you mentioned. I do suffer some gastro problems (due to my ED i'm sure) and relief would be amazing! THANK YOU!

be strong everyone =)

No problem! And thank you. that makes me feel really good :) if you ever need anything you can send me a message :)

Honey, don't think you are alone in this. I too have gone through this, and it is the hardest thing I've had to do. I was 98 lbs at my lowest weight and I'm 6'0". So far I've gained about 20 lbs. I thought everyone at school would point fingers and say, "look who became a fatty!" But instead, I get much more attention from guys, my friends like to be around me more, and my boost in confidence has helped me become more social and less shy.

Recovery has to be number one on your priorities - otherwise, it won't happen. Ask yourself what benefits overcoming this ED you'll get. For me, my main motivation was college - my parents threatened that if I didn't gain weight, I wouldn't be going to college next year.

The fact that you realize that you truly were beautiful at your "highest weight" is such a good sign. If you ever have any questions, need some suggestions, inspiration, or a person to vent to, (like many of the other girls here :P) I'm always here to message. Wish you nothing but the best of luck, girl!

I agree with muttlover, you are not alone! Gaining is probably the hardest thought (thinking about food is the other). I would suggest just faking it for a while. With each extra bite I find my ED voice creeping in and I just fake it and keep eating. For a while faking it was what helped me pull through. Now it is knowing that the healthier I become the happier I will be. Plus, I love having energy and more of a better attitude towards my friends and family. Plus now I can focus on the actual Christmas holiday instead of having to come up with an excuse for not eating. Even though this recovery is really hard, with each new day comes a new opportunity to succeed at it!