The trouble with Vodka

The trouble with Vodka is that it lacks personality. It has no zest or flare of it's own. It's like a chameleon of character; molding it's soul to whatever surrounds it. The tofu of the spirit world, minus the spongy texture. The bare particular of your liquor cabinet. The neutral fallback ingredient when you come down with bartender's block.

Vodka's what you add to anything so that you can please everyone. But sheesh! How many of your favorite people are the sorts that everyone likes? Vodka: inoffensive. And for that reason: totally boring.

The trouble with Vodka is it's seemingly devious nature. It's always masked and covered and mixed and hidden. It hides well, surely. And loves a masquerade. But a masqerade is no place to find true love, I tell you.

Everyone has been warned against masked things. And sure, it might be because some danger awaits, some sharp and shiny blade is about to be unsheathed from beneath the cleverly incognito-ed. If only Vodka were as exciting as a lurking, masked assassin, intent on connecting his steely edge with your pretty little throat!

But no. Because what's far worse than hidden danger is hidden undanger. Hidden unadventure. Hidden banality. Hidden oh-so-ordinary. What's really so despicable about the perpetually veiled is that they are hiding out of fear of showing the uninteresting underneath. The drab bride-to-be. With way too high of a dowry for her plainness. And that's all that Vodka ever is: enshroudoued humdrum. Homely, under wraps.

The trouble with Vodka is that it doesn't make people who drink it stink like they should.

Those who drink too much Red Wine, for instance, smell fruity and romantic. And their lips and teeth turn blue as evidence of their pleasure. They smell of cranberries and sage and of oak leaves soaked in balsamic vinegar. They smell of raspberry jam on your lovers skin, and of mussed-up blood-red bedsheets.

Those who drink too much Whisky, on the other hand, smell of dirt and earth and horsehair and tumbleweeds. Of small explosions and guns and violence.

Gin drinkers, as another example, reek of juniper and cucumber. Of old lady, lace, and musky blue-blooded rich men. Gin smells of money, illegally gotten. And of thick, hand-sewn quilts with undiscussed permanent stains.

And Tequila. My, Tequila. Nothing smells quite like one who has been drinking tequila. Like hot, sweaty nights and steamy affairs. Like uncontrolled coitus against sticky stucco. Like sweat and piss and blood and guts with an undertone of the Pacific Ocean. Liquified naughty. Rancid but enticing, and sending you straight to hell. The devil's perfume, no doubt.

The trouble with Vodka is that it has no particular stink. No smell at all really, except for what it adopts from the bottle it was encased in. Vodka drinkers don't stink similarly. They might smell of oj or grapefruit or cranberry or soda. But this is inherited from the masks and mixers. Take such a drinker and leave the Vodka out of his libations and he'll smell as he did before. Nice going, Vodka. Way to be distinctive.

The trouble with Vodka is that the only decent way to drink it is chilled, shaken--not stirred!--with an olive or two, and poured in a translucent upside down cone. But then it's the ritual of it, and the glimmering, pickled accoutrements that are doing all of the work. Nearly imperceptible thin glaciers of ice floating atop a spirit's crest. Beautiful? Yes. But Vodka's doing? Surely not. Besides, Gin does it better every time.

The trouble with Vodka, for me, really, is that it's just not Gin. I'm destined for old age and crankiness. For too many grandkids and just as many cats. I know my drink. And I smell like it too.



The trouble with Vodka, in the end, then, is that it's really no trouble at all.

like i said, awesome.  just a fabulous peice.

Love it! Thanks for sharing.

ROFL! I have nothing worthy to add other than this:

Brilliant!

/applauds

EDIT: In fact, I had to pass this around the office. =]

Thanks!!

Insomnia's not so bad when you get to rant about liquor!

fab.u.lous.

Submit this to Modern Drunkard. Please. 

hahahha! that's funny you say that, black_boned_angel. reading modern drunkard for the first time yesterday is what inspired me!!! oh man, that article on andre the giant just made me fall even harder in love with the big oaf! as if that was possible!

Are you a writer? YOU SHOULD BE! Nice ...

alas, no. close though....philosopher. :)

very creative! i love it.

William Saphire would be proud. Very nice.

While it is clearly a very well written piece (and this is possibl and understatement), I have to disagree.

The problem is that you drink vodka wrong!

I am Russian, and we have a culture of drinking it properly.

for example: 1) It is NEVER permissible to mix vodka. EVER.

2) Vodka DOES have flavor (there are "pepper" vodkas, etc).

3) There is a proper way to drink it, not like cognac, not like whiskey, not like a martini, but fast, with a shot and a proper chaser.....

... and the smell.... well:

Those who drink too much vodka smell of dreams, desires and excess.  They smell of tiredness and sweat and hard work and of passion. The faces turn red, the hair gets messy, the hands start moving. Vodka is harsh and hot, and so are those who drink it. They dance on tables, they cry on duvets and they confess of love to everyone they see........

you guys just haven't experienced it from the right way.

Sounds like you need a AA meeting. :) Seats are always open when you decide.

I Love your article. I am primarily a gin drinker, although will drink vodka occasionally (Usually when I am out of Gin). The only thing I disagree with is that when drinking a martini straight up, I am old fashioned and feel that it should be stirred not shaken! Some people shake the heck out of a martini and then all you end up with is shattered ice particles and a diluted drink and you have to wait ten minutes to let it clear out. Simply stirring several times achieves the chilling without all this and less dilution. Anyways that's my 2 cents. Of course if we drank it like sergunya we would not have to deal with any of that.

Were do I find the article about Andre the Giant mentioned in post # 8?

That is awesome! And it explains why I drink whisky.  I love the old west stories.

This is fantastic. I hope you don't mind, but I am going to have to steal it. I also LOVED the rebut from the Vodka-loving Russian!!! 

Funny, but vodka is the only alcohol I'll drink, precisely because it doesn't taste terrible :)

The tequila definition is fantastic.

Sergunya - alas a person who could put in writing all the aguments i have ever had with people who call themselves drinkers.  Vodka my friends is the only drink that evokes the passions of your innerself (read all other types of so called alcohol normally makes one blunder the more they have) whearase vodka just enhances the unique spirt of oneself.  I too have danced, cried and confessed my love :-) Can anyone say Lemon Drops!!!  TGIF!