The trouble with Vodka

The trouble with Vodka is that it lacks personality. It has no zest or flare of it's own. It's like a chameleon of character; molding it's soul to whatever surrounds it. The tofu of the spirit world, minus the spongy texture. The bare particular of your liquor cabinet. The neutral fallback ingredient when you come down with bartender's block.

Vodka's what you add to anything so that you can please everyone. But sheesh! How many of your favorite people are the sorts that everyone likes? Vodka: inoffensive. And for that reason: totally boring.

The trouble with Vodka is it's seemingly devious nature. It's always masked and covered and mixed and hidden. It hides well, surely. And loves a masquerade. But a masqerade is no place to find true love, I tell you.

Everyone has been warned against masked things. And sure, it might be because some danger awaits, some sharp and shiny blade is about to be unsheathed from beneath the cleverly incognito-ed. If only Vodka were as exciting as a lurking, masked assassin, intent on connecting his steely edge with your pretty little throat!

But no. Because what's far worse than hidden danger is hidden undanger. Hidden unadventure. Hidden banality. Hidden oh-so-ordinary. What's really so despicable about the perpetually veiled is that they are hiding out of fear of showing the uninteresting underneath. The drab bride-to-be. With way too high of a dowry for her plainness. And that's all that Vodka ever is: enshroudoued humdrum. Homely, under wraps.

The trouble with Vodka is that it doesn't make people who drink it stink like they should.

Those who drink too much Red Wine, for instance, smell fruity and romantic. And their lips and teeth turn blue as evidence of their pleasure. They smell of cranberries and sage and of oak leaves soaked in balsamic vinegar. They smell of raspberry jam on your lovers skin, and of mussed-up blood-red bedsheets.

Those who drink too much Whisky, on the other hand, smell of dirt and earth and horsehair and tumbleweeds. Of small explosions and guns and violence.

Gin drinkers, as another example, reek of juniper and cucumber. Of old lady, lace, and musky blue-blooded rich men. Gin smells of money, illegally gotten. And of thick, hand-sewn quilts with undiscussed permanent stains.

And Tequila. My, Tequila. Nothing smells quite like one who has been drinking tequila. Like hot, sweaty nights and steamy affairs. Like uncontrolled coitus against sticky stucco. Like sweat and piss and blood and guts with an undertone of the Pacific Ocean. Liquified naughty. Rancid but enticing, and sending you straight to hell. The devil's perfume, no doubt.

The trouble with Vodka is that it has no particular stink. No smell at all really, except for what it adopts from the bottle it was encased in. Vodka drinkers don't stink similarly. They might smell of oj or grapefruit or cranberry or soda. But this is inherited from the masks and mixers. Take such a drinker and leave the Vodka out of his libations and he'll smell as he did before. Nice going, Vodka. Way to be distinctive.

The trouble with Vodka is that the only decent way to drink it is chilled, shaken--not stirred!--with an olive or two, and poured in a translucent upside down cone. But then it's the ritual of it, and the glimmering, pickled accoutrements that are doing all of the work. Nearly imperceptible thin glaciers of ice floating atop a spirit's crest. Beautiful? Yes. But Vodka's doing? Surely not. Besides, Gin does it better every time.

The trouble with Vodka, for me, really, is that it's just not Gin. I'm destined for old age and crankiness. For too many grandkids and just as many cats. I know my drink. And I smell like it too.



The trouble with Vodka, in the end, then, is that it's really no trouble at all.

Ok, that alsomt made me embarassed to admit tequillas my favorite! lol

Ah, but for love of subtlety, perhaps I wouldn't love vodka so much.

Like the imperceptible smile of someone who is charmed by your manner of speech.

Like catching the gaze of someone's that lasted a fraction of a moment too long to be mere attention to what you said.

And in the style it is served, it is almost an homage to the elements: chilled, like cutting a hole in a frozen pond and supping the water.

Straight, as a test of your devotion and in standing up to your own body's and throat's reaction as an outsider.

And it's salute to natural elements, obscure juices, a touch of lime or a wave of a squeeze.

And when it is fine, it is very fine, and if it not, it is not.  And you don't have to be man or woman to enjoy it more.

And you don't drink it because you are part of the club, of businessmen, of young people who are out, you drink it because you like clean meaning and taste...  best regards

grover, here's the article about Andre the Giant  it's absolutely astonishing and insanely funny.

sergunya, you should offer lessons. I had one on proper vodka drinking from a Russian friend, and it definitely helped with technique and appreciation. And I think, after a couple of years, that I might know the answer to "Do you respect me?" but I'm not sure.  I also like the kind that's infused with buffalo grass.

ahh yes, there's the invisible vodka we drank before we were legal and then theres true vodka - probably passed to you from a Russian or Polish friend.   there really is a difference and there really is a right way to drink it!  I just tried some recently (from a Russian friend) that I swear had peppers and spearamint or something in it.  Heck if I could remember the name on the label, and it was probably in Russian anyways.  They brought it back from their last trip home in August.   I'm not typically a vodka drinker, but that stuff was GOOD!

I remember Vodka Making me laugh so hard and the hyper active times we all used to have ...I Favoured Vodka so much

 I do not agree wiht you that Vodka is Boring...

That Sweet Numbness, Everything buzzing, that Hyperactivity, the ability to remember most stuff (UNLIKE TEQUILA where you do not remember a **** thing)...

i learned to appreciate vodka when i lived next to two belarussians. the first time we met, one neighbor came to our door, and said "ladies, we have television, music, and vodka. we would like your presence. we will wait for your arrival!" and turned and went back into their apartment. what a fun cultural experience!

i love citrus flavored vodkas with ice and a little water.

but i also love gimlets made from gin.

hahahha! thanks guys for all the feedback!

and perhaps i stand corrected on the vodka issue. perhaps.... :)

I'm glad many of you have had a "proper" experience with vodka.

I remember going up to Canada once to visit friends of mine (Canadians). We started talking about vodka, and how quickly they get drunk and then hangover, and the whole nine yards.

I convinced them to try it my way. The winning factor was that my flight was next morning at 9am and that they would have to wake up early. So if I failed, I would miss my flight.

Not only it was a fantastic night, they woke up next morning around 7 and drove me to the airport.  They couldn't believe that it is possible to drink at that age, in those amounts, and be perfectly fresh the next day (and enjoy it too).

Here are some vodka drinking rules.

1) Only drink vodka in shots. (from 15 grams - 50grams)
shot should be finished whole. If you do not finish, do not catch up (although the crowd may request that you do, but you shouldn't)

2) Chase immediatelly. Best suggestions (in order of preference)

Sour Pickles, Sour Tomatoes, Sour Crout, Sour Mushrooms (any kind) Sour Anything,  Canned Pinapples, Fresh Vegies, Rye Bread, any bread, marinated fish (like herring, sardines), any other foods

For beginner drinkers: Fresh Grenadine (1/2 shot). Its non alcaholic. But its not going to help you lose weight :)

3) Eat between shots. Eat veggies, tomatoes and bread.  Drink lots of water. Mineral Water is best (S. Peligrino, etc.)

4) Breathe out before you take a shot. If you are a new vodka drinker, or hate the taste and HAVE to drink for some reason, there is another method that was used in the Russian Army to take shots of pure alcohol (learned this from my grandfather  who was a pilot)

5) Don't mix Vodka with any other alcaholic drink.

If you must:

Max 1 flute of champagne

1 Shot (in a glass) of Cognac

NO WINE

Beer - only if you really know what you are doing. Don't recommend it, but there is a way to mix vodka and beer without ending up in the bathroom for the whole night.

6) Know when to stop. If you feel dizzy, you went to far. Do not got to sleep. Try to drink as much water as you can. If you can stay awake for 2 - 3 hours after filling dizzy (especially when closing your eyes) with drinking water - you will be ok.

If you try to go to sleep - you will regret it (and you won't sleep either)

There are much more stuff to it, how to enjoy it, how to pick the "good" vodka, how to tell the good from the bad, fake vodka...etc, different flavors.... etc.

But that's only if you guys want to know.

That was very entertaining - I loved it!

totally bring on the vodka lessons! i usually pride myself in my ability to drink... but lately.... not so much!  and i broke some cardinal rules this weekend (vodka + beer + more vodka + rum + diet coke..... we can all guess what that equaled!!)

so, start a vodka lesson thread LOL.

sergunya - Thanks for the tips!   I'm such a vodka newb, yet I have friends that have vodka running thru their veins!  I just might have to tag this post now!  LOL