Does true love exist?

I'd like to hear your opinions/stories.  I'm pretty much at the end of my rope and would love to jump off the proverbial cliff if you know what I mean.  I'm turning 31 next week and live in one of the "statistically worst" cities in the US for dating and finding love.  So w/o the perfect cookie cutter body, where does someone like me find someone like you?  I'm a good person and have a great extended network of friends so it's not like I'm a social freak who never gets a look...I just never get a second look.

To me Love is more than just an emotion.  It's also in the way you treat someone.  The way you literally care for them and their well-being.  I have yet to find someone that can walk the walk.

I guess I'm just looking for HOPE.  Please...no bashers...it's obvious I don't need that right now :(

 

edit*  I think I may not have been clear in the above post.  I am pretty comfortable with myself and have few hang ups.  I think I'm pretty, smart, fun, outgoing...etc.  I am simply discouraged that the only attention I seem to get from the opposit sex is sexual in nature or from old men.  I know exactly who I am and what I want.  And I don't expect perfection from anyone.

2nd edit* Hey all.  I just wanted to thank you for all you had to say.  I think I'm struggling in my love-life right now overall.  My ex was not good to me...now that I'm genuinely moving on, he is all over me texting, calling, emailing.  I'm annoyed that he could never treat me like I was a priority when we were together, but now he wants to try a relationship again.  All my friends say NO WAY.  But my mother says she has the feeling that I'm not giving him a chance.  This from the woman that said, "you need to try and lose at least 50 lbs, that way someone might actually want you".  It's hard to hear those things from someone who is supposed to love you no matter what.  It makes me feel very inadequate.

Anyway...it seems like most of the time I'm very happy and feel fulfilled in my life.  But when I really let myself think about all these things I realize how insecure I am about my weight.  So, how do you get past feeling fat, unworthy of love, inadequate....so that you can truly let love in?  How do you make the right choices about love (ex problem above)?  I want to have romantic love in my life.  I want good things for myself.  I'm always doing things to live a full life, but I still feel empty sometimes.  How do you move past that?

where do you typically meet these pervs and older men?

I saw your edit and further post. I've been exactly where you are. I also was getting attention from pervs and old men. Lots of it. I also would get attention from men of races other than me and at the time wasn't very comfortable with it.

When I quit believing that those were the only kinds of men who would give me attention it went away. Maybe not entirely, but for the most part. When I came to believe deep down inside that I was attractive and desirable by "normal" people, it began to happen. When I came to believe that there was love out there for me, it came my way.

I don't know exactly how I was projecting my inner beliefs. I still don't understand exactly how it happens. I simply know for me it is true. I know that when I believe something on a deep internal level, that I attract that to myself, whether it be negative or positive.

Since you asked....YES!  But sometimes timing isn't what you are hoping for and sometimes you have to "kiss alot of frogs" to find your prince.   Take it from this 60 yr old - true love, the kind "in the movies" CAN come along!  I hope it doesn't take as long for you as it did me....but it's certainly been worth the wait for me.  My hubby and I had each  been married before -I was bitter..With counceling from my minister I decided to try again.  I found my hubby on bikerkiss.com - it's truly a match made in Heaven!  We both feel that devine intervention put us together!  He's from NYC and I'm from Ft.Worth, TX -now that's a strange combination!     &nb sp; All this just to say to you - don't worry - it will happen for you.   And - NEVER compromise on your values and beliefs for any man.  The right one will appreciate you!!

I'm a skeptic.

Sounds like you're getting a lot of advice from people in similar situations.  I would like to share my experience: 

Every time I hear the question, "Do you believe in true love?" my answer is always, "Of course I do, I've had it 5 times!"  Now I'm saying this as a joke, but it took until I was 32 years old before I realized it was a joke.  I really believed I was "in love" several times.  It wasn't until I was in a normal, stable, "boring," relationship that I realized that I had been sabotaging my own happiness.  My relationships were typically with cheaters, the emotionally needy/clingy, or one night stands.  The last straw was when I was 28 I had a very difficult break-up, so I vowed to remain single and work on loving myself.  That was soooooo hard - I was used to a lot of attention, but I was not allowing myself to have it.  Does that make any sense?  I realized that I was in those sad/bad relationships because I was allowing myself to go further with men then I should have, because I was afraid to be alone.  At the same time, I was allowing myself to be in relationships that down deep (real deep), I knew would/could never last.

Then when I was 30, I met a man that was "Really Nice." He started out as a great "friend," but I just didn't feel any fireworks.  We dated a little, but I just wasn't as into him as the previous guys.  The excitement (drama) just wasn't there.  He got kind of serious and wanted to take it further, but I was dragging my feet.  Then, one day, after about a year, he asked me to make a choice.  So I thought and thought and prayed and prayed for the right answer.  I kept asking myself, "What if???????"  I finally decided to just see what happens - be with a "nice guy," give it my all, and just see where that took me.

Over the next 4 years, I became closer and closer to him and I learned to trust him (and myself) and allow myself to love and BE LOVED.  That was the hardest.  I realized that what I was waiting for in the past was the perfect relationship.  Guess what - it doesn't exist.  Some how my brain knew this, and I was repeatedly setting myself up to fail and continually made bad choices in men. 

We got married after 4 years, and last July we celebrated our 10th anniversary.  Even after (especially after) 14 years - there are definitely days when I can't stand him, and I think I'm going to leave, but then there are more days when I want/need/like having him, and can't imagine my life without him.  I also have to remind myself sometimes that I'm no first prize either.  But, I have realized - this is what true love is.....continuously working on keeping it together.  There is still drama, but it's a different kind.  It's working VERY hard to keep our relationship strong and exciting, but also stable and dependable.  I'll never forget what I told him on our wedding day, I said, "I promise I'll always TRY."  THAT my friend, has been a very difficult task.  But every time I want to quit, I remind myself of that promise, and it always gets me through to the next time I feel fireworks again.

I'm in the same boat! I'm 26 and have literally not had date in the last five years! 

It's not that I haven't tried meeting anyone, because I really have and have put a lot of effort into it.  (Well, not like "purposely trying to find someone effort", if you know what I mean!) I have met lots of guys and fallen in love with them for various reasons, but when it comes to dating them, forget it! They ALWAYS end up being gay (No offense to anyone here who is gay!), taken already (At least 99% of the time), or just plain uninterested.  

I'm kinda shy myself, at least until you get to really know me.  Then I love to talk once I get to know you! So I have a hard enough time approaching people as it is.  I get really nervous if I have to approach a guy I'm interested in and have a hard time making eye contact with him, let alone even talking to him.  I tend to look at the floor a lot or basically look anywhere else but at him when I do have to talk to him.  I've been working on that, though, and I do believe I'm getting better at it.

I've always had a difficult time getting dates, even in high school.  I never went to my prom because if I did I would've ended up going alone (My friends all had dates), so I just decided to stay home.  I did manage to have one boyfriend for three months in grade 11, but we broke up because he was ready to move faster than I was.  I remember one time there was this guy I really liked and when I finally mustered up the courage to ask him out, he laughed in my face and told me I was the ugliest girl in the school and he wouldn't date me if Hell froze over.  We were at lunch then, and I remember when I asked him and he told me that I was holding a can of orange pop and when I he said that I threw the whole can of pop on him and yelled at him, telling him what a JERK he was, then I ran into the washroom and locked myself in a stall and my best friend had to come and talk me out.  Then I realized just how mean he really was and I wouldn't have wanted him, anyway.  (I did get the satisfaction of knowing I ruined his favourite shirt, which was white, BTW! LOL Everyone LOVED that!)

So yes, sad to say, that's my whole dating life right there.  For the time being I have given up even trying.   

I forget where I read it, but at some point in my life I read that something like 99% of people who wanted to be married eventually got married at some point.  So it's quite likely to happen for you, if that's what you want.

Build a complete life without another person.  That way you can be happy on your own, and then if someone happens to come along, you can be happy together.  Throw convention to the wind.

If I were you though, I'd stop using the phrase "true love"...that might help.

 

Original Post by kimi709:

I'm right there with you...I'm 25 and I have never been in love!  Well..I've never been in a relationship where I was in love...if that makes since...I dunno...I'm beginning to feel like it will never happen...and I know all that "stop looking and he will come" rhetoric...but you know...thats just what it is...no one is looking for perfection, because no one if perfect...but it would be nice to find a funny, charming, romantic but not mushy guy, who happens to be taller than 5'11"  !!!

 you pretty much took all the words out of my mouth...except for the taller than 5'11 part  Most of my friends are married or in relationships and I feel like i'm behind in that aspect but at the same time when i listen to some of their issues i always start thinking that i never know if the grass truly will be greener...

I'm 22 and until I was 20 I had never seriously dated anyone. I had the flings and the guys that I would "date" for a couple of weeks, but nothing ever serious with the bf/gf titles and saying I love you. I hit a very low point in my life a few months after turning 20 and I remember, to this day, crying out to God because I thought finding love would never come and that I would never get married. I was pretty much thinking along your lines. I repented of the wrongdoings in my past and God heard my prayers and answered them. Not two weeks later, did I meet the man he'd sent for me to marry. We'll celebrate our 1 year in November.

I don't want to be preachy, bc I've already been slammed for that in another forum. And I don't know your religious view, but I do know that when you repent of all the sins you know in your life and put your trust in Jesus, the same way you would trust a parachute, he'll starting cleaning up your life. He has for me. My husband and I came to Christ together, and it's been an amazing journey! Love will come when your least expecting it too! Hope this helps! God Bless!

I'm going to sound like such a sappy girl which I wasn't until I experienced love.However, I was never dramatic or bitter about it. I just didn't believe in love at all before I meet my ( now husband. ) I believed in initial attraction which I thought turned into something more. That you simply grew fond of someone with time. Then you'd invested so much time in them you stayed together. That way there was no loss on either side ... since hey... the good qualities and attributes of the relationship were worth keeping. I thought of  Movie love as true love. The problem was I just didn't believe it actually existed. The concept that nobody is perfect is true. The sneaky part I learnt is that someone is perfect for you! My husband and I are complete opposites that complete each other. We're each two very different people from very different places. Each with very different backgrounds. I'm cold and he's hot ... together we make steam.

Everyone has trails and tribulations in their life before or after they've found love. A lot of people find "Love " but it's their definition of love. People get married but it's their version of marriage. It's not "true love"by any means not even their own. They have their versions of the meaning of the words. To me that is actually far more upsetting than being alone in my view. ( Of course. I like me. I have no issues with being alone. =-P ) It's okay if you don't believe in love. I didn't. I also didn't settle or pretend to be in love though. It'll happen with or without any effort on your behalf...when... and if... It's meant to be! At which time none of the misconceptions about ' love '  that you have will matter.

 

So... Hey, I'm saying if you don't believe than don't try to believe. Just don't. DON'T PRETEND to BELIEVE. However, if you do believe than don't be melodramatic about it. Just believe. P.S. If you don't believe in God don't pretend either. I realize some preachy people may take offense. However, I'm Catholic.... and  I take offense to fakers. xD! Don't do anything under a false pretense to bring love to you or find it. Just be you.  I've always had faith that this too shall pass... and whatever is meant to be will be.

It may be a blessing that you've yet to meet the one. A blessing in disguise that you're questioning now. Just be... with belief or a lack thereof.

 

( It doesn't sound like you need a intervention. Spiritual or otherwise. Just time. In which case you're lucky because that's all we have in life!)

Original Post by degrassi_panthers:

I'm in the same boat! I'm 26 and have literally not had date in the last five years! 

It's not that I haven't tried meeting anyone, because I really have and have put a lot of effort into it.  (Well, not like "purposely trying to find someone effort", if you know what I mean!) I have met lots of guys and fallen in love with them for various reasons, but when it comes to dating them, forget it! They ALWAYS end up being gay (No offense to anyone here who is gay!), taken already (At least 99% of the time), or just plain uninterested.  

I'm kinda shy myself, at least until you get to really know me.  Then I love to talk once I get to know you! So I have a hard enough time approaching people as it is.  I get really nervous if I have to approach a guy I'm interested in and have a hard time making eye contact with him, let alone even talking to him.  I tend to look at the floor a lot or basically look anywhere else but at him when I do have to talk to him.  I've been working on that, though, and I do believe I'm getting better at it.

I've always had a difficult time getting dates, even in high school.  I never went to my prom because if I did I would've ended up going alone (My friends all had dates), so I just decided to stay home.  I did manage to have one boyfriend for three months in grade 11, but we broke up because he was ready to move faster than I was.  I remember one time there was this guy I really liked and when I finally mustered up the courage to ask him out, he laughed in my face and told me I was the ugliest girl in the school and he wouldn't date me if Hell froze over.  We were at lunch then, and I remember when I asked him and he told me that I was holding a can of orange pop and when I he said that I threw the whole can of pop on him and yelled at him, telling him what a JERK he was, then I ran into the washroom and locked myself in a stall and my best friend had to come and talk me out.  Then I realized just how mean he really was and I wouldn't have wanted him, anyway.  (I did get the satisfaction of knowing I ruined his favourite shirt, which was white, BTW! LOL Everyone LOVED that!)

So yes, sad to say, that's my whole dating life right there.  For the time being I have given up even trying.   

 Hi..I do believe I am your younger twin. Everything you wrote sounds exactly like me..I fall for a lot of taken guys...I had a really hard time in High school...sure I did the whole "male model", druggie, social outcast, cheater, much older man types  that never lasted longer than 2 weeks tops....oh and the guy in the lunch room....I once asked this guy to dance at a school dance and he said yes...we got out to the middle of the floor, he laughed at me, called me a fat ugly cow and  told me that no one would ever want to dance/ date me. I didn't have dates for prom...and I don't have a bf now. Sure I am only 19, but it really hit me hard when I found out that one of my best friends from HS is getting married...she is getting married and I have no one...not a date on saturday night nothing. And like the OP (i believe) said..I get hit on by perverts...guys randomly come up to me and tell me that they want to "tap that ass" and other stuff like that, or I have guys whistling at me from cars and stuff, and guys much older than me...I do not dress provoctivly to provoke those comments or anything, and I get these comments in stores and at FB games and stuff, it's not like I am at bars dancing on the table or anything. Where are the respectable guys...Sure I like the "bad boys" but there is a difference between a bad boy and just being downright rude and crude.

Sng, love exists, it's just not always strong enough to last.

I was 23 the first and only time I've been in love. Yes there were other guys but those relationships were always kind of "I'm passing the time with you". Not only did I fall in love but it was at first sight...I personally thought it was lust, but a few weeks in, he convinced me that it was meant to be.

As far as the jerks/pervs...my friends and I went through a stage where we met all of our possible love interests at this one dive bar. Not a single relationship worked out...

I was really in love and that guy was perfect for me. But the special feelings didnt last and he broke up wit me. And now Im heartbroken and feels like there wouldnt be anyone better.

I work as a wedding coordinator so I see love at its most excited.  Last weekend, the couple that got married met on one of the on-line dating sites.  The bride works a full-time 40 hour week job and then does local theater.  The groom was new to the Bay Area and had no idea how to meet any one.  They met 2 years ago. 

I had another couple this last July.  The bride was a plus size model and the groom was a police officer.  They met through a local singles group 4 years ago.  When talking to these couples they met their significant because they set out to and were ready.

Just a couple of ideas.

I just added an edit to this post and wanted feedback from any willing advisors.  Thank you!

Hi, I just saw your second edit. Please go back and read my posts 12 & 22.

I think you're finally at the point where you're tired of feeling negatively about yourself and you want to let the old patterns go. I got to that point and had to make a conscious decision to change my negative thinking and patterns. So many women are brought up to believe they aren't good enough the way they are. Women get constant messages from family and society that we aren't worthy. Self-esteem and self-worth are not taught. It's sad really.

I've been many different sizes. My mother also made some very hurtful cutting remarks when I was heavy and while I was losing weight. I finally realized that her remarks were an indication of how she felt about herself and her own self worth more than about me personally. That doesn't take away the hurt.

I have come to believe that dysfunction, self-esteem and self-worth issues are passed down from generation to generation.

I highly recommend author Louise Hay and her book, You Can Heal Your Life. It may come across as sappy at first. Give affirmations a try. It can work wonders.

Original Post by jess1979:
...
But one thing I do know is that you can't love someone else, until you can have love and self-respect for yourself... That is probably the most important item most relationships are missing! 

...

I absolutely, whole-heartedly agree with this!

I've had my own hangups in the past.  My self-esteem wasn't the greatest, and I let it affect my dealings with men to the point that I was flat-out disrespecting myself.  I would over-compensate by appearing extra confident, when in fact I was uncomfortable and had no confidence at all!

I really believe that when you become comfortable with yourself, and feel worthy and adequate and attractive and sexy, maybe even 'love yourself,' people notice that confidence and are attracted to it.  And I'm talking about people of substance - the 'good ones.'  And girl, I absolutely know where you're coming from with the scumbags and old men.  I get a gag reflex just thinking about it.  Haha.

I'm not sure that I've completely reached that point yet, but I've come a long way and have noticed a huge difference in how people perceive me.  My closest friends and family, the people who really know me, have noticed.  For me it was about losing weight and being active and feeling healthy.  But that doesn't mean you can't be at your current weight and feel good about yourself.

I know its frustrating, dating in general just sucks.  I wish you (and me lol) the best of luck!!

To the OP - I can completely relate to everything you are saying in your post...

I still feel the way you describe all the time.  It's so hard to get over someone you put your all into, but one piece of advice I do have for you is to always remember how this person made you feel when you were together.  Take that feeling and ask yourself if he is worth feeling that way again for in 5-10 years down the road.  Whatever the answer is - should be your deciding factor. 

True love is complicated, it's not always perfect and won't be...

You are worthy of everything you want, regardless of your size. 

I have ups and downs on my feelings dealing with a relationship that is anything but good.  I thought for the longest time, if I could just lose this extra weight and be back to my old self, then he would be back to his old self too... Well I did make it back to my weight I was when we started seeing one another, and let me just tell you things didn't go back to the old ways, and I found myself even more unhappy with myself...

Finally it hit me like a slap in the face - it's not me.  I deserve more for myself, and I can give myself more, without him.  So I decided it was time to find love within myself.  It wasn't easy and still isn't.  I purchased self help books from Barnes and Nobles... (If you ever have time, feel free to read my journal, holy cow talk about emotional mess)...

Well there is one book (very small book) it's a small quote book, titled "Believe in yourself" -  I don't read ahead, but take one quote everyday and try to make sense of it, some take more thinking than others, but it helps me every day to focus on the positive I have to offer, and not just dwell on my faults. 

I hope some of that made a little sense... PM me if you ever want to... Like I said I am dealing with so many similar issues...

But always remember your friends and family members want whats best for you, they tend to remember things about someone when you only want to see the best in them...