Trying to gain weight but I am terrified. I have gained almost 5 lbs and am having second thoughts about this whole thing. Help

Hi, I have been seeing a nutritionist and a therapist since March. They told me that I am anorexic but I don't think I am completely.  I restricted my caloric intake to less than 1200-1300 calories a day, plus worked out every day. When I first started seeing the therapist I weighed 90-91 pounds, sometimes 89.  I am right under 5'5 and I know that I am underweight and look and feel horrible, I have not gotten my period in a year and I am scared for my future.  This is why I asked for help in the first place.  Since March I have gained weight, last I weighed was 94 pounds, although a couple of days ago I was 96.  I feel huge and out of control, my clothes are tight and I am bloated.  I want to be normal, I really do, I just don't know how to fight these feelings that are trying to make me starve myself again.  I have been binging out of control ever since I was told I need to increase my intake, I still only eat the "safe" foods but I eat a ridiculous amount of them.  I am feeling myself slipping on this diet and I feel like I am ready to give up.  I would rather be hungry and feel small than be a ravenous pig every single night and feel like crap all day.  I need some advice and help from anyone who is going through the same feelings or has and overcome them. 

hi, i just wanted to tell you that i can relate to so much of what you said. i know there's nothing i can do to make things better for you, but i am going to try to think of the logic that i try to wrap my own head around when i'm feeling particularly horrible about this whole recovery thing.

1. i've gained a ton, fast, way more than 5 pounds, since i started this stuff.  it helps me to remind myself that when you've been undernourished for awhile, every cell in your body and all your organs tend to be very dehydrated.  a lot of weight in the beginning is just your guts being hydrated.  nothing visible on the outside, really.  also, your muscles replenish glycogen stores, which is essentially water gains.  

2.  also, in refeeding after prolonged periods of restriction the body has to totally switch gears and relearn how to metabolize carbohydrates instead of just catabolizing your body's protein stores (muscle).  this causes a surge in insulin production, which, in turn, can cause your electrolytes to get screwed up.  fluid imbalances come from low plasma levels of phosphorus, magnesium, and potassium, and sodium isn't excreted properly which results in further water retention and sometimes very significant edema.  when i first started, the edema was so bad that i landed in the er.  it looked ridiculous.  now, the edema appears less severe, but my weight is still increasing more quickly than i'd like.  but research has shown that you can be holding onto about 4.5 kg (9 pounds!) of excess fluid weight before the edema even becomes apparent!  anyway, these electrolyte disturbances account for why you're feeling bloatado....not to mention...

3. ...your digestive processes are v.e.r.y. s.l.o.w.  you're body has turned down its metabolic fire in attempt to conserve the minimal energy you were giving it when your calories were so low and you were exercising.  you've got a lot of food weight sitting in your guts.  the thyroid, which pretty much governs the speed of all metabolic processes in your body, reduces its output when you aren't giving your body what it needs. i was actually diagnosed as hypothyroid when i was restricting very badly...i was gaining weight when exercising and barely eating!  now, though, i'm not even letting myself take my thyroid medicine, because i really want to see if my metabolism can rebound with better nutrition.  

4.  your increased hunger means your metabolism is rebounding!! hooray!! i struggle with the fact that i seem to not be able to go more than an hour or two after eating before my body starts to go bonkers with hunger and i get almost frantic.  when i was restricting so badly, i could go all day on a few jelly beans for goodness' sake.  now i also struggle with those feelings of piggishness because i actually have an appetite.  try to get yourself on some sort of meal plan, even if it's just a well-rounded, small meal every few hours.  protein and fat will help to satisfy you, lessen your fluid retention (carbs cause the surge in insulin production that causes sodium retention), and repair the damage you've done.  not to say that carbs are bad! just make sure you branch out from "safe" foods to things that maybe don't feel quite as "safe."

5.  i fight the urge to compulsively exercise every day.  any exercise is bad for you right now and puts undue strain on your body.  remind yourself that it's generally the patients in ip who are on bedrest and extremely high caloric intakes that have the most significant metabolic rebound.  

i could go on, but i just wanted to say those few things to see if your mind can maybe latch onto any of them.  i know i get a little technical sometimes, and i don't know about you, but for me, knowing exactly what is what helps me understand better and feel slightly less scared.  

i'm falling asleep but just know that you're not alone. keep reading and posting...it'll help. <3 izA

Given your weight and height right now I suggest you go to a doctor and ask for inpatient treatment if you cannot do it alone. A forum is certainly not going to do you any favours.

For the majority recovery is very scary but it is the only way to have anything better. I have had anorexia on and off for 14 years. I did every form of treatment and have had better and worse times from where I was healthy to a horrible state. I have met a lot of people with ed and some who don't see that have an ed to the degree that it is. It can be part of the eating disorder thinking one is not "bad" enough. I have friend with a pace maker from her ed and she never became underweight. My point is this can destroy a body at different stages. When I start to get scared or struggle where the ed voice comes in I have been taught to remind myself of the facts. I will encourage you too as well. Your weight and height can not equal "fat" so what is really going on? Are you scared of what past the body,anxious,depressed?I understand feeling out of control but gaining weight and taking care is being in control. Where as starving yourself is one of the most uncontolled things in reality.It can be common to binge because your mind and body is starved. Even once you start to nurish it can take time to catch up. Has your nutritionist set a meal plan for you that has structure? It may help you feel more in control and feel good about nurishing your body.

Zopta I have seen your poss and I am concerned for you as well because 1100 at your weight this is going to destroy you. I often get confused with nutritionist and therapists who continue to provide treatment to a suffer who is going down hill or engaging in behaviors to the extreme. In my past I saw treatment teams too where I did not progress and ended up in crisis situations. I know that it was not there fault and it was mine but I think it comes to a point where a professional needs to really push for more structured environment till the person can get to a better nurished state.

Take care and push through the fears to either get healthy on your own or get more support in a hospital like lala stated till you are stronger to make wiser choices

Good for you for seeing the nutritionist and therapist and for making the decision to deal with your problem!  You are anorexic, no doubt about that.  I recommend going back to your nutritionist with your current diet to see if they would make any modifications.  I also recommend going back to your therapist, if you aren't seeing them still -- and if you are, talk to them about these concerns.  Also, I recommend joining an eating disorders group therapy.  It helps tremendously to learn you are not alone and to have a support group to help you through the rough patches and keep you accountable from week to week.  Best wishes to you and don't give up!

Thanks to everyone who offered advice and support, I really appreciate it.  I know you all understand how lonely this can feel.  I am naturally very private and protective over my personal life and I need an outlet.  I had a weigh in today with my nutritionist, the scale said 95.4 lbs.  This number may not sound like a lot but to me it is huge.  From the very beginning of seeing my therapist and nutritionist the number 95 has been a very scary weight for me to reach.  I have made "progress" each and every week that I have weighed in.  My nutritionist seems proud of me, my therapist seems a little iffy.  I think she can tell that I am having very mixed emotions about all of this.  I know that I am not gaining weight the correct way, I am binging and then restricting.  I have recently been given permission to add 3 days of exercise into my plan, 20 minutes each time.  The fact that I now have permission rather than sneaking in the exercise has helped me out.  My nutritionist brought up very good points today that I think a lot of you could benefit from as well.  First, she gave me the idea to put some sort of picture or item which will remind me of why I am choosing to get better in a place where I might give into my negative thoughts.  I am going to put a pink ribbon on my gym bag and on my purse so that each time I am tempted to go exercise to the extreme or not eat a meal I will see the ribbon and be reminded that I want to have a baby girl someday.  If I don't do this for myself now I will never have my dream of having my own family.  This is my motivation, my incentive to get better.  Also, today when I got home I put my scale away; for the first time in 1 1/2 I will not weigh myself tomorrow morning.  I will not weigh myself at home anymore, if I want to weight myself I will go into my nutritionists office and do it there.  Seeing the number every days is discouraging at this point, I am taking steps to get over this hump.  My nutritionist promises at one point I will be excited when I gain a pound ( I think she is crazy but we will see).  Another thing that she brought to my attention was the fact that I had no control over myself when I was restricting and exercising.  I have been letting these thoughts control my body; I need to think of my body and my thoughts as one.  My body is trying to tell me things and my thoughts seem stronger than my hunger pains and physical issues.  I am now starting to gain real control of my life by making positive choices.   These are just a few things that I took from my session today.  Thanks so much for the support, I truly appreciate it.

Original Post by jesslynn23:

Thanks to everyone who offered advice and support, I really appreciate it.  I know you all understand how lonely this can feel.  I am naturally very private and protective over my personal life and I need an outlet.  I had a weigh in today with my nutritionist, the scale said 95.4 lbs.  This number may not sound like a lot but to me it is huge.  From the very beginning of seeing my therapist and nutritionist the number 95 has been a very scary weight for me to reach.  I have made "progress" each and every week that I have weighed in.  My nutritionist seems proud of me, my therapist seems a little iffy.  I think she can tell that I am having very mixed emotions about all of this.  I know that I am not gaining weight the correct way, I am binging and then restricting.  I have recently been given permission to add 3 days of exercise into my plan, 20 minutes each time.  The fact that I now have permission rather than sneaking in the exercise has helped me out.  My nutritionist brought up very good points today that I think a lot of you could benefit from as well.  First, she gave me the idea to put some sort of picture or item which will remind me of why I am choosing to get better in a place where I might give into my negative thoughts.  I am going to put a pink ribbon on my gym bag and on my purse so that each time I am tempted to go exercise to the extreme or not eat a meal I will see the ribbon and be reminded that I want to have a baby girl someday.  If I don't do this for myself now I will never have my dream of having my own family.  This is my motivation, my incentive to get better.  Also, today when I got home I put my scale away; for the first time in 1 1/2 I will not weigh myself tomorrow morning.  I will not weigh myself at home anymore, if I want to weight myself I will go into my nutritionists office and do it there.  Seeing the number every days is discouraging at this point, I am taking steps to get over this hump.  My nutritionist promises at one point I will be excited when I gain a pound ( I think she is crazy but we will see).  Another thing that she brought to my attention was the fact that I had no control over myself when I was restricting and exercising.  I have been letting these thoughts control my body; I need to think of my body and my thoughts as one.  My body is trying to tell me things and my thoughts seem stronger than my hunger pains and physical issues.  I am now starting to gain real control of my life by making positive choices.   These are just a few things that I took from my session today.  Thanks so much for the support, I truly appreciate it.

thanks for your post, i really enjoyed reading it...i will tell you from experience...she is not crazy, in time you will get excited when the scale increases. there might always be a wee bit of hesitation to embrace it because our thoughts can be so deluded, but in time you will overcome the ED mind and embrace the womanly body you were meant to have. you will realize that your body is capable of doing amazing things, like provide life...a baby girl like you want. that is a beautiful gift, and it requires health, curves, womanly-ness. otherwise, we are setting the baby and ourselves up for serious health complications which is really selfish and irresponsible. you will embrace life and learn to love again, including yourself. i lost that at the height of my ED but now when i gain, i am okay with it. i am not overjoyed by any means, but i accept it as a sign of me getting better. tossing the scale is a great thing, it leads to obsession and bad behaviors, so good for you!! the pink ribbon is also good, but maybe something in the restroom where the purging happens will also help you to resist the temptation. just a suggestion. congrats though, it seems like you do WANT to recover it's just difficult for you to accept what that means, gaining weight. you can message me if you need support!! again, thanks for your post! :)

i wish i had some good advice for you...just remember you're not alone and keep posting when you can.  stay positive <3 <3

It sounds like though there are struggles which is normal for recovery as many say it is the hardest thing to do but worth it in the long run but anyhow you are working very hard. I like the ideas your nutritionist has you working on. I am also trying to focus on what in life I will gain in recovery. I understand about certain numbers when one hits it bringing up feelings. I have that too but trying to figure out why can really help and also that being healthy is in control and strong. Keep up the hard fight

Hon, I put on 90 pounds through the course of my recovery - I am finally stabilised at a healthy, curvy weight of 150lbs at 5'8". It was not the weight I initially wanted to be, but it is the weight I am healthiest at and feels natural for my body type. 5lbs is scary to you but hardly noticeable to anyone else. You will still be the same person after the next 5lbs - hell, you'll still be the same person if you put on 20lbs or 50lbs. Remember that your weight does not define you, and the problems in your life will not be solved by remaining at a low weight.

I am glad to read that you are seeking the help of a nutritionist and therapist. However I would reiterate what others have said - you urgently need to gain weight, and if you cannot do it alone, find an inpatient program. Becoming an inpatient at an ED facility actually turned out to be one of the best things I ever did.

I can't thank you all enough for taking time to respond to my post, I really appreciate it.  Does anyone who is recovering from an ed ever find themselves looking at other people's bodies more critically than before you started getting help?  I have found myself analyzing everyone's body type this last week, which I never used to do... or atleast realized I was doing it.  I have also felt extremely negative about my own body, I am noticing extra, saggy skin where it used to be so tight I couldn't even pull on it.  I feel like my hard work of going to the gym every day is slipping away. With all of my girlfriends getting ready for the summer and bikini shopping I want to either shut myself inside all summer long with a good book or a new hobby or get super in shape again.  I know this is not right but it is extremely hard for me. 

Also, is there a forum or group specifically for those who are just starting to recover from an ed? 

Thanks again!

Jess

Jesslyn23, I so glad to see that you are succeeding with your weight gain and making progress.  CC is not an ED recovery site and we do not have an ED forum.  We do have many tools which will hopefully assist in your recovery and many members who have recovered or are in the process of recovery which may help you.

As you regain to a healthy weight and your body starts rearranging what you've gained you'll find that your skin isn't saggy.  Underweight is not a super shape, truly it isn't.

I have been making small steps toward my ultimate goal.  I went one week without weighing myself.  Thats amazing for me! I weighed in yesterday at the nutritionist's office and I didn't gain more than .2lbs.  Even though I didn't gain anything really over the course of a week I feel like I have made some accomplishments such as  not weighing myself over and over throughout the day, not exercising as intensely and so on. 

My nutritionist has taught me the importance of being kind to myself.  I am trying to look at the positive things in life rather than focusing on everything I am not doing perfect.  I have found myself to be happier on the days I don't let the negative thoughts overtake me.  This weekend was tough and I did get down on myself.  On the days that I am negative and self-hating I restrict myself and exercise, never feeling like I am "making up" for the days before.  I almost think that living and eating like I have no ed causes an extreme feeling of guilt and I let it overtake me and bring me down. 

I am not going to lie; I was a little relieved when I didn't gain this last weigh in.  Having not weighed all week I felt like I had gained a ton.  When I saw the scale I was pleased.  This does not sound like a person who is serious about gaining weight.  I am battling these thoughts within and its on my mind every second of the day.  I feel like its ruining my day to day life and it has ruined so many relationships for me. 

My therapist has recommended medication; mainly something for anxiety.  She says that anxiety and depression go hand in hand.  Has anyone else taken medication?  I am very wary about going on them.  If anyone has taken anything to make them feel better please tell me your experience.  If you have a better alternative I would be very interested in hearing that!