Trying to leave possibly abusive boyfriend, need support.

hi...i'm having a rough time and thought i'd reach out to random strangers on the internet lol...

i have been with my boyfriend 5 years.  before that, i was in a relationship for 6 years (high school sweetheart).  that first relationship was wonderful, very trusting, very loving, just overall a great guy. unfortunately with age and growing up, we drifted apart and it didn't work.  very very shortly after that relationship i jumped in to this one...i think i thought it would be a fling!  lo and behold, 5 yrs later, he's still here.

issues i have:

*very very jealous.  but doesn't exactly SAY "i don't want you talking to guys".  he will make comments.  for example, we went out to dinner, and the waiter said something funny.  so i laughed.  my boyfriend later said he didn't realize everything the waiter said was so hilarious (he excessively uses sarcasm).

*everyone is "my boy".  when i go to the car dealership for service or my stylist "oh are you going to see your boy?".  new jeans are too long, i have to go to the tailor "take them to your boy, he will fix them".  i find this unecessary.

*once he got mad at me at the bar because i was staring off in to space and he accused me of staring at some guy across the bar.  he wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night.

*will not accept male friends.  i am afraid to even try.  i drifted from my male friends when we started dating because i was afraid of what my bf would do.  i know this isn't healthy.  he believes that men and women can't be friends.

*says i can go out and do whatever i want.  but if i go out with a girlfriend, he acts strange when i see him.  as though i've done something wrong.  my girlfriend was telling him about how this guy started talking to her at the bar (on a night i was with her), and he immediately jumped to the conclusion that this guy must have had a friend who was talking to me.  he got mad at me for not telling him about the incident when the guy was hitting on her.  why would i?

*just recently, which is the biggest problem right now, my bf and i went out with my friend and her bf.  i'm not the biggest fan of my friend's bf but i'm nice to him and we have a good time.  my girlfriend left the table for a minute and i started asking her boyfriend about his new promotion.  my boyfriend immediately clammed up and started watching tv.  as i noticed he was closing himself off i started talking about baseball.  i said "you know, i don't even know any of these players!"  and he said "yes you do.  why do you have to play the stupid girl card?".  i didn't understand.  i felt like my stomach was being wrenched out of my body.  then my friend's boyfriend, who was trying to make things more comfortable, started telling me about the players.  my boyfriend continued to watch tv, and then finally turned around and said "well i hope you learned something.  were you being polite?  making conversation?  good for you".

after that, we left the restaurant and i asked him to go home.  i haven't seen him since but we have been texting.  we usually spend every night together, without fail.  i guess in a sense we live together, but switch where we sleep.

there are many many instances of this...i feel trapped and suffocated.  but i feel like i'm too weak to leave.  there are some really good times.  he is hell bent on working it out and that he understands he has problems and will try to fix him.  deep down i think he is just scared because he's very dependent on me both financially and emotionally. 

i'm just really scared.  i guess i haven't really been single since i was 17, now i'm 28. 

am i imagining it or is this emotional abuse?

Yes, that's a pretty common form of toxic relationship - usually perpetrated by small, insecure men.  Combination of insulting/belittling behaviour with a little control-freakery thrown in for good measure.  Does he rationalise the petty jealousy by saying 'it's only because I love you?'  Make you feel guilty for getting cross with him?  Classic.

Of course you can leave.  He's a rebound that has outstayed his usefulness.  A few good times really aren't worth this rubbish.   A good relationship works on mutual respect, trust and affection.   Two individuals that treat each other equally, not one trying to micro-manage the other with emotional blackmail.   If he's dependent on you then he's the weak one in the relationship, be under no illusion.  If you packed your bags (or packed his bags) and left he'd latch on to someone else fairly quickly who would look after his emotions and his finances.  That type are never alone for long.

You'd not be single for long either by the sound of it.  Go for it.... All you'll lose is a leech.  What you'll gain is your self-respect.   And you'll go into your next relationship with eyes wide open.... big improvement.

You are most definitely not imagining it - you are being abused emotionally.  First off, the distress caused you to write a lengthy post on the internet - on a calorie counting webiste no less! 

You are never too weak to leave.  His behavior is unacceptable.  You have to look out for number one all the time, and number one is always going to be you.  If looking our for yourself means walking out on him, then it has to be done (I know, way easier said than done, but if you stay, you will be scared forever and will find yourself living one of those sad, pathetic stories we see on 20/20 or Dateline about the women who are completely and utterly controlled by their men and end up thinking that they deserve to be controlled.)

  If you feel that he may hurt you, there is no shame in getting protection - carry mace or even go to the police.  You have to have friends - it's healthy to have friends of the opposite sex!  Yes, we can be just friends!  You have to have your own life - even if that means he is no longer in it. 

Seriously, do what is best for you because you are being hurt and if you wait, you could end up with serious emotionaly damage and emotional baggage that will haunt you forever.  I'm not trying to be a downer, but I've seen this happen before and it is not pretty.  What starts out as "oh, he's just jealous, he'll get over it" turns into "holy crap, I'm a prisoner in my own home" and that just fades into "well, this is how it is, better get used to it" and that ends up with an unemotional phone call to the police that says "hey, better get over here, my wife just...uh, fell down the stairs."

Being single is like being free.  You should not have to have someone beside you to feel like you're whole.  You are a whole beautiful person by yourself, and realizing that is key to stepping out of this mess.

<crap, posted twice...just deleting this one>

Has he been cutting you off from friend and family, either physically or emotionally? Blaming everything on you, or trying to make you feel guilty for NORMAL everyday interactions? Has it been recently, or the whole relationship? If the answer to any of these questions is even "kinda" then the behaviour is abusive.  The main thing here is that you said you aren't happy, and scared. When is that ever a good incentive to stay in a relationship?

I'm assuming that this guy has a job? He has a place to stay, so I guess that he is able to pay the rent? You shouldn't be finacially responsible for this guy.  He isn't a child, and you aren't his mother. Now this might sound weird, but both of you should be selfish right now. I think you should take care of yourself first, and he should take care of himself first. It sounds like he might have some severe insecurities and social problems. Those are HIS problems and HE should take the steps to fix them with the help of a professional. They aren't your problems to fix, and you can't fix them for him.

One last piece of advice. What if your sister/cousin/friend came to you and said the exact same thing. What would be your advice to her? Why should that advice not hold true to your situation? ( And don't let him use the " I love you lets get married" ploy.)The main thing here is your happiness and security. If this guy isn't providing it to you ALL THE TIME YOU ARE WITH HIM, then he isn't the one for you.

You are better off without this guy.

My boyfriend and I have a good relationship. We both have a mix of male and female friends, and this is fine with both of us. I don't care who he is friends with because I trust him. He obviously doesn't trust you, which is ridiculous if you've never done anything to convince him that he shouldn't.

He needs to realise that he needs to have faith in you in order for you to be able to open up to him. For instance, I've been asked out a couple of times by other guys and I was ok with telling my boyfriend, because I knew he wouldn't think that I was flirting with the guy or that I initiated anything.

Seeing as you haven't been able to get this trust (and after FIVE years, if you don't have it by now, you NEVER will) I would leave the guy and move on with your life.

RUN, RUN AWAY! This guy is completely toxic from everything you've told us. He's controlling, manipulative, guilt-trips you....

Something I heard someone say once was,

"If you heard about this kind of behavior from your best friend's bf, what would you tell her?"

Most often, it's "RUN, RUN AWAY!"

thank you all for your replies.  i guess i already know the answer.  my best friend doesn't really say anything about the relationship being toxic, but she keeps telling me i need to look at the underlying issues.  i think i have been in denial.  i have never once done anything to make him mistrust me. i feel so stupid for even having to ask and post this.  i'm just really scared and i am hoping to find courage through the internet, how weird!! 

yes he has isolated me from most of my friends, not directly, but through guilt and saying "but all i want to do is spend time with you".  i think this makes it worse, because i don't know who to turn to.

again thank you all...i have to prepare myself i guess for the inevitable.  i'll keep everyone posted.

Run dont walk. Hes crazy and there is no changing him. He will just be even crazier later. Be strong. My friend is actually working on getting out of an unstable relationship and I understand its hard cause i was there everytime he broke her heart. Your friend will be there with the chocolate ice cream and wine (thats if you drink it) Also dont be afraid to be there for your self. Look at this time to work for things that you want or plan a vacation with your friend just the 2 of you.

Good girl!  I can tell you from personal experience that he's controlling himself in his exertion of control right now, because you're not married, have your own place, and can leave him.  If you were to take the extra step and marry the man, the control would become physically abusive, because then he has "the right" in his own mind....right now he doesn't.

Please get rid of him, SOON!!  You need to feel comfortable by yourself, knowing that you DO NOT NEED A MAN TO BE HAPPY!  Adding a man to your life after that is simply adding more happiness to your life. 

You're afraid of this man...it's not normal, healthy, or in your own best interest to stay!

My sister was in a relationship exactly like this one; and here's why you need to get out now.

She was one of the strongest people I knew, and over time this guy's behavior broke her down.  She "hung in there," trying to make it work and "fix" the relationship.

The guy saw her efforts as weakness.  The harder she worked to save the relationship, the worse his behavior progressed.  And the worst part: after months of being in this situation, she acclimated to it and ceded control of her life to him.

What happened to her isn't going to happen to you, because you know it's wrong already.  You've done enough; get out.

You need to get out. I was married to a guy like this for 8 years.  In the beginning it seemed like just a little bit of "normal" jealousy, but it just kept getting worse. I couldn't go anywhere without him. He even got mad once when I went on a "girls night out" with his mother and his brother's wife. How crazy is that????

Trust me you are much better off on your own than with this guy. And yes it IS emotional abuse.

I was in the same situation as you, not married, he had his own place, he was financially leaning on me, the whole nine yards (it was almost as reading my own story when I read yours)
It really got worse and worse and I was walking on thinner eggshells by the day.
At a certain point he even claimed me and this friend of us (one of the few people we still would visit) were rubbing feet under the dinner table while he and this friends wife were sitting next to us, really it got even worse..............I was watching a movie and laughed over the voice of this one actor, he got really silent......half an hour later he burst (I had already felt it coming) and claimed that by the way I was laughing he could tell I wanted to sleep with that guy.............REALLY?
OMG it felt SO GOOD kicking him out, I was so free!
It was scary, oh yah, I was scared witless, but the moment I actually did it, I felt so free and so normal, my best friend afterwards told me, it was like having ME back, I was the old me again, and I never realised I had changed that much over the years, but I did! I had started to slowly change the way I was doing things, because more and more I was trying to avoid confrontations with him and so I would things the way he liked it.......
I am now 11 years later even experiencing certain problems of it, small things that sneaked in over those years, but also am I now very happily married to the best guy ever!!!!

soliwit,

did you have feelings for him still when you dumped him?  did you miss him? 

I know this story all to well.  No good will come out of it.  My relationship started out ok in the beginning then the jealousy started and who are you looking at or why is he looking at you?  The emotional abuse started.  Last but not least physical abuse came.  I've had a black eye and busted lip on a few occasions. At first I figured oh it will get better but it didn't.  SO I left him, after being together for 2 years.  It was the best thing I could have done. 

Also 9 times out of 10 when he doesn't trust you and thinks you  are out running around  it is actually him that is doing it.  His guilty consciences is accusing you of things that he is doing.  Trust me, I felt like such and idiot when the whole town knew but me that he was cheating on me. 

The first day few weeks were a little hard because I had to get used to not having his presence around and I missed him.  But boy afterwards, that was the best 9 months of my life single and loved it!!  Going back to being who I was and able to spend time with my friends including guys was great.  You should never have to change who you are for someone.  It made me sick to my stomach because I didn't recognize myself. 

I am now in a relationship where both my boyfriend and I have friends of the opposite sex.  I don't have a problem and neither does he.  I don't have to worry about him asking who is on the phone and why.  I also have gone out to dinner with a guy friend and he doesn't mind.  I've actually met 3 of his ex's and like them and him vice versa. LOL  Funny I know,  my friends always ask how I can be ok with that.  It's easy I trust him completely and him me.  We know that the past relationships didn't work for a reason and there's nothing to fear.

You need to do what's best for you and I don't think this guy is what's best for you.  You deserve so much better.

Original Post by notalone:

thank you all for your replies.  i guess i already know the answer.  my best friend doesn't really say anything about the relationship being toxic, but she keeps telling me i need to look at the underlying issues.  i think i have been in denial.  i have never once done anything to make him mistrust me. i feel so stupid for even having to ask and post this.  i'm just really scared and i am hoping to find courage through the internet, how weird!! 

yes he has isolated me from most of my friends, not directly, but through guilt and saying "but all i want to do is spend time with you".  i think this makes it worse, because i don't know who to turn to.

again thank you all...i have to prepare myself i guess for the inevitable.  i'll keep everyone posted.

This is undoubtedly an abusive relationship.

In your heart, I think you already knew this and posted here for emotional support while you come to terms with this idea and leave this loser. Feeling afraid of the man who says he loves you, is not right and not normal. We can offer all the support and advice you need, please leave this man.

In the past few months, I have seen several posts along similar lines. Sadly, it seems there are quite a few men who think it is okay to treat women this way. It is not!

Somewhere out there, is a man who will treat you with love and respect. Who trusts you implicitly because he has no reason not to. Who not only doesn't mind if you want to see friends of either sex, but will actually encourage you to do so, because he knows you will be a happier person if you have friends and family around you.

This man is an insecure and controlling bully. He makes it difficult for you to see friends and family (not by locking the door but by making you feel guilty). It is not normal for your boyfriend to be jealous of your family and you spending time with them (my guess is that he wants to keep you away from them because he is afraid that they will see through him and advise you to leave him). If he has an "attitude" when you are seen innocently speaking to another man....I am sorry to say, these traits only get more intense with time, as he and you, become used to him controlling you. Do not allow this to happen, for the sake of your own happiness, leave this man as soon as you can, before there is any further commitment to this relationship and before it escalates to violence.

One tiny warning: be prepared, your boyfriend will quite likely use emotional blackmail, feeble excuses and / or bribery, to get you to stay with him. Loads of calls, texts, (to see how you are) flowers, dinner invitations, even jewelery... he will possibly do some romantic stuff to "win" you back, saying he has changed (trust me he will revert to the previous behaviour). I am sure anyone who has been in a similar relationship will recognise one or more of the following ...

• I am only like this because I love you, SOOOO much.
• I only say / do those things because of the way you behave (classic control freak, blaming the other person)
• No one else could love you the way I do (rubbish).
• If we were married / engaged/ living together, I wouldn't feel like this, because I would know you are all mine (I can control you so much better if I am with you 24/7).
• You can see your friends / family whenever you want (yeah, if I want guilt and sarcasm from you, I can)
• I was only joking when I said those things, don't you know I didn't mean it?
• I can change, we could go to couples counselling (he wont change). 
• Lets go on holiday, if we can relax together, I won't feel this way.

Talk to your sister or mum, let your family / friends know that you need their support. I am sure they will be relieved and glad to help. Tell him you don't want to be with him any more (don't be kind or subtle or give mixed messages, such as, "we can still be friends". No. Be clear. Pack up his stuff and leave it somewhere else he can get it. Make sure you take his key or can change the locks. Then stay away from him, don't respond to texts or emails.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Oh wow...the longer you stay with this as$hole, the more you will begin to believe his lies about what kind of person he WANTS you to think you are.  It is obvious, but usually only to people looking in, that this guy is a very insecure man that OBVIOUSLY thinks you are WAY above what he deserves therefore, he is constantly pulling you down and belittling bc you feeling less of yourself makes him feel more of a man.  Is that what you want? Of course not. Who does? But, you're not alone. I was in a VERY toxic relationship for 3 years.  VERRRRY. I make a point of never getting personally involved with my clients [I am a personal trainer] and always thought of myself as a very intelligent, empowered and independent woman. May be it was the celebrity of this particular client [a well known musician] and the fact that I adore music and am entranced with people that are artistic - partic. muscially talented. But before I knew it...I was head over heels with a drug addicted, self loathing, incredibly talented and tormented musician. By the time our relationship ended [and I ended it], I had isolated myself from my family and friends and had become completely addicted to cocaine - how I hid this from my business partner, staff and clients is a freaking mystery - but I did...or at least, thought I did.  I was quite surprised to find out how NOT surprised everyone was when I literally came clean.  3 years of being emotionally abused .... I'm still surprised I became 'one of those women' but I did, and will probably be in therapy until I'm 343 years old. But, I am here to tell you that you can and SHOULD get out NOW and that LIFE IS GOOD.  Don't sell yourself short or believe his bullsh!t.  There are people out there - and certainly - that special someone - that will see you as the AMAZING woman you are.

BE STRONG!

PEACE!!!!

Notalone,

I am not your mother, but if I were, I would tell you to get out right now! This guy has severe issues that he is trying to guilt onto you. He may say anything to keep you, but they are not real--he will self-serve by saying whatever he thinks you want to hear to keep you and control you. No amount of patience on your part will fix him--all he will do is poison, confuse, and ultimately destroy YOU. YOU do not deserve that.

Darlin', it is time to move on. Whatever times you had--good and bad, need to fade into the past. You seem to be a smart, caring, loving woman who is well worth sharing a life with. Believe it or not, there are good guys still out there, and even if you don't find one, you are better off alone than tied to an abusive jerk. He will only hurt you and any possible children you might have. If you don't do it for you, do it for your future kids--they deserve a safe, loving home and a good man for a dad.

Remember, Notalone, you really are not alone. The world is full of good people who care about you. This guy doesn't, and if you continue with him he will isolate you until you really are alone. As the other say:  Run!  Flee! Kick him to the curb!

J-mom

Yes it is. His nasty behavior whenever you do something he doesn't like is his way of "punishing" you. He also is trying to isolate you (no male friends, also acts "strange" when you go out with female friends. He doesn't even want you interacting with the waiter, who you'll probably never even see again!) 

Do you feel resentful of him because of all this possessiveness? Ask yourself if this is how you want to live? He feels entitled to have things the way he wants them, with no thought or respect for you or your needs and comfort.

Original Post by notalone:

soliwit,

did you have feelings for him still when you dumped him?  did you miss him? 

this seems to be the pivotal point for your notalone. You are afraid that splitting will be worse than putting up with his BS. And that is for you to decide. He doesn't sound abusive as much as he sounds like 'the jealous type'- there are ways to deal with someone like that without dumping them.

First you talk to him about how awful his treatment makes you feel (tell him what you told us) and then you ask him what he's willing to do about it. If he doesn't follow through, leave him.

You're a grown woman, it's time to take charge of your life - with or without him.

kathygator:

i have brought this to his attention before.  what usually happens is that he says he wasn't doing anything...like for example the waiter issue...he will act like he just made an innocent comment, and why was i flipping out?  i can fight and fight but in the end i'm the one that feels crazy.

and yes my emotional state is important to me but not as important as living my life.  i just wanted to know if it was complete relief or just a little bit of remorse.  i think to make matters worse, i am getting sick too (sore throat, fever), so i'm just in a very bad place right now =(