Trying to start over

I have been struggling with weight for my whole life. Always being the fat nice guy that was never found attractive until I meet my wife. We both had the same struggle with weight and worked to loose weight prior to our wedding. Now after 2.5 years of being married she has lost a total of 150lbs through diet and exercise. Went through the surgeries to remove extra skin and is now more beautiful than ever. The bad thing is she walked out on me just two months ago because she wants to start a new life because I do not fit into her life anymore. I have totally fallen off the motivation track for loosing weight. I was working on the concept of one day having kids with her and having a great life.. Now I fail to see why i should continue other than being healthy for the sake of being healthy and to me it sounds down right vain. Especially since that is how she became after she reached all her goals and was moving onto a different life without me. I have no support from family, they do not live around me, I have no friends that are even close to being gym goers, and all the members of the gym I go to (at least all those I do talk to) have no interest in changing their schedule. So I am stuck. I have lost all motivation, barely cook anything because it takes too much effort, I am depressed just because of the recent events, and not to mention have no true support group. What am I to do?

I dated a girl for two years and after we broke up I gained 30 pounds. Went from being in shape my entire life to overweight.

What you do is really up to you. You can let it slowly destroy you, and add on weight making you even more unhappy or you can exercise and use it to distract your thoughts.

It's not a happy time and I'm not going to lie and say it is....or even that you'll be over it soon. You probably won't be, but that doesn't mean you have to fall into the trap.

hi zifhip,

i'm very sorry to hear your story.  it's really sad that your wife left, but to me, it's even more sad because you sound like you are giving up.  you seem like a very sweet guy, and there is no reason for you to be so down on yourself!  you are not defined by your relationships w/ anyone, be it family, friends, or significant other.  you are defined by what you make yourself, and only you can find that motivation within you!  don't think that just because you're overweight you're not capable of meeting people and finding companionship.  i'm serious!  it's more about attitude than anything!! 

it's a shame that you had to suffer so much and feel like you are not worth it...but it's better that you found out early on that your wife was definitely not the one for you, before you had children and started a family.  now you can really start a new life, and what better way to start it than to take care of #1: YOU!!

motivation is difficult, and i definitely understand lonely times.  i don't really have a lot of friends either.  my family is supportive but i don't see them that often because i work full time and don't live near them. i don't know anyone who would want to go to a gym with me.  i guess you just need to be comfortable w/ doing things alone and rejoicing in your accomplishments by yourself.  trust me, once you have the confidence to appreciate yourself, others will appreciate you too.  it's funny, as we get older it's really hard to make friends, it seems so easy when you're young!! 

i wish i had more advice for you but all i can tell you is just stay positive and do good things for YOURSELF, not for anyone else.  it's time to be selfish!  you are attractive, articulate, and seem intelligent enough!  you're worth it!!

Thank you notalone for replying. I do feel like I am giving up. The sweet guy thing only goes so far and I have been told this by many people. I am an unfortunate individual that suffers from Bipolar disorder and that scares most people(a side affect of having depressive and manic swings can be the ability to write better tahn I speak which is defintely true). Partly out of ignorance and then not knowing what to say or how to be supportive. There are few that have been helpful in that reguard but they have their own problems and do not need mine piled on as well.

Motivation can be found within oneself but I do not hear the "voice" of motivation. I only hear the "voice" of why bother you have tried before and you have failed. You can try again but will probably fail once more. What's even worse is that the medication that I have been perscribed causes weight gain, slower metabolism, and a numbing of the senses(it is hard to explain).

I have found more friends now tahn I have had all my life but none of them are actually real friends just people I know. I try to stay positive as much as I can. I always seem more positive at home than out in the real world be it at work, out with friends, finding new connections, and even just going to the gym. I want to have a physical trainer but have no means to utilize them for a period of time.

I do not want to give up and or crawl into that hole, but I just can not see the phoenix rishing from the ashes as of yet.

I want to give you a great big hug!  A similar thing happened to a friend.  Both husband and wife were obese.  She had weight loss surgery and did a great job keeping up the follow up.  She looks smokin' hot at 55.  She just divorced her husband and told me that she left him, because now she can "do better" and select from "a higher caliber of men."  I am trying to be as supportive as I can to her ex.  He is an awesome guy and deserves a fabulous partner who is not a superficial you-know-what.

You deserve that too!

Thanks for the hug :) My wife can not actually say that she can do better because she is a coward. She hides behind cliches and the "you have so much to look forward to" and "this opens so many more doors for you to explore" oh and my favorite "take this as a great opportunity to have a better life". She fails to see that those comments are more hurtful than helpful. She even commented during a talk to discuss where we go from here that I probably already had a girlfriend. How hurtful and low could she be? I mean that is down right mean.

It is easy to say for me that she is not the same person that I married both physically and mentally. She says that she is the same person and that nothing has changed. The only thing she sees has changed is that we grew apart. She did the growing not me. I actually changed for the better and adapted to her. She never really adapted to me other than to keep it all inside and to finally take the leap of getting out of my life.

It makes me wonder now. Was she actually motivating herself with "once I reach my goals I am leaving him"?

Don't give up.  Down the road, she will regret leaving and hopefully you will have moved on with your life and found someone you truly deserve. 

I don't get what happens to people when they lose alot of weight.  they are still the same people inside as they were before they lost the weight. 

My ex-brotherinlaw did kind of did the same thing.  He got all fit and was running marathons and started having an affair with his boss.  My niece was 2 when he left.  She will be 13 this year and I believe that was the best thing that ever happened that he left.  My sister is with a wonder guy now.  He married his boss and they have 3 daughters which HE takes care of because his wife has her career.  What go around, comes around, I always say. You hang in there and don't give up on yourself.  If you do, then she's won.

Keeping a marriage going is never easy.  Many women expect it to be much more than most marriages actually turn out to be.  We are raised to fairy tales and "happily ever after" but find ourselves with dirty dishes and men that don't pay nearly as much attention to us as we would like.  There is always the thought that the "grass is greener" with someone else.  Some people go through several marriages before they mature enough to understand that marriage is something that both people have to commit to and work at and it isn't going to be all fun and romance. 

Your wife was probably in this funk.  Add to that the fact that she has lost a lot of weight and now thinks she is much more attractive than she felt when she married you.  She is probably thinking that she missed out on a lot of opportunities before and "Mr. Right" is out there and would find her attractive where he might not have before.  She is also very much into fitness now from what you say and it doesn't sound like you shared her interest.  Lack of shared interests is bad for a marriage.

Why stay in shape?  Because as you get older being overweight and out of shape is much more than just being unattractive.  It means feeling tired all the time.  It means being in too much pain to get out and have fun.  It means diabetes and heart disease.  You can stay in shape now or wait until you are a hundred pounds overweight and sick to decide to get back into shape and have a much harder time of it.  I know you are depressed now, but that is temporary.  Life will last much longer than your current mental state.

take every bit of anger and passion you have an devote it to working out. work harder, run longer, punch harder, let aggression flow through your veins when you work out. not only will all the passion you have give you better results, it will be a way to let go of the horrible situation you are in. FACE the problem, look it right in the eye, then take it out- and DO NOT look back. if she can move on and start a "better life" why cant you?

My first thought when I started to read this thread is that you are depressed (and who wouldn't be) and then I noticed that you mention that you have bipolar disorder ... this may be a stupid question, but are you taking your meds regularly?  Considering that you already have a predisposition to depression and given the increase in life stressors that you are experiencing, it is all together possible that the anhedonia, lack of appetite, lack of motivation are all pointing towards a depressive episode which could have been brought on by the marital issues.  My suggestion would be to get in to see your physician or psychaitrist to see if there is something that they can offer you ... seek out counselling for the maritial break up.  It may be hard right now, but you need to take care of yourself and your basic needs - don't get stressed out by whether or not you get to the gym today or tomorrow ... ensure that your mental health is good first and then work on where you go from there.  Take care of yourself!   

Wow, what a complete and utter bitc*. I am so sorry she grew a large and in charge ego and left you! I am also sorry if you think I was being hard by calling her a bitc* because you may in fact still be completely head over heals for her. The one thing you must never do is give up on yourself though. The world is not coming to an end and your life certainly is not over. You need to continue working out and eating right for you, after all that is who you should have done it for in the first place. And if in fact you and your wife do not get back together, how do you think you will continue your life with extra weight and no confidence. If you ever feel like you need to start dating again, having confidence is the key to landing a new lady. As for finding people to work out with at the gym... that will come. You just need to keep on going and doing your thing for you and sooner or later you'll strike up a conversation or two with some interesting people who are into fitness and being healthy. You cannot let your wife ruin you, you must stay strong and show her that you too can formulate an ego after losing weight... granted don't grow one to the extent that she did. 

Once again I am really sorry you had to go through this! It's a terrible thing and I hope nothing like that ever happens to me... But you know, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger!